The amount of money which was given by city council and destined for members of books club

Sorry I can't show the picture, because this exercise question from book.

The graph ilustrates the amount of money has given by city council to member of books club over a four-year period. Overall, between first year and second year there was slight increase. After that, followed rose extremely in the next year. Finally, in fourth year dropped rapidly. The number of member from first year to second year fell slightly but increased gradually until fourth year.

As can be seen, The amount of money which has given from first year to second year increase by 2.500 and rose extremely from 25.000 in second year to 40.000 in third year but unfortunately fell to approximtely 35.000 in fourth year.

In comparison, the number of members between first year and second year also decrease slightly from 15.000 to about 15.000. Then, extreme rose by 10.000 in third year. In fourth year members peak at 30.000. In second year until third year, both of them were equal grown up extremely.

Hello Alfakurnia, just a little suggestion, you can take the photo of your graph in book, then upload it. Or you can googling it just type the title of the chart, and it usually appears in search engine, because many people already upload it for IELTS purpose. Please upload it in the next essay that you create because it is necessary for another people to give you suggestion.

And now, let's begin....


1. Illustrates ---> You make typo here

2. that ---> add connector to connect between the sentence: Take a look this :

The graph illustrates the amount of money. It has given by city council...... etc. ----> It is actually separated like this, so you must add "that" as a connector

3. the member ----> add "the" before, because it refer to your data.


4. Please make sure to AVOID WORD REPETITION in one word if its possible. You had mentioned word "year" two times, and i give you suggestion for fixing it.

5. Add article 'a' because if you don't add it, it mean double verb. "A" is used in the beginning of your noun because increase if I refer to your sentence must become a noun, not a verb since you add slight as an adjective, except if you use "slightly", it means adverb so your word "increase" can be verb.


6. PLEASE STUDY ABOUT THE USING OF ARTICLE "THE" AND "A"

7. SINCE YOU DON'T MENTIONED THE TIME SIGNAL (WHAT KIND OF TIME SIGNAL OF THE DATA, IS IT PAST TIME OR PRESENT TIME), I CONSIDER IT MAY BE PRESENT TIME, SO I GIVE SUGGESTION TO YOU BY USING PRESENT TENSE


8. IT CAN BE SEEN ===> PLEASE ADD "IT" as the subject., because sentence cannot be presented without any subject.

9. CONNECTOR PROBLEM AGAIN

10. ARTICLE "THE"

11. ROSE ----> RISE (PRESENT)

12. BUT and UNFORTUNATELY have same function to contradict, so choose one of them.

13. APPROXIMATELY ---> TYPO AGAIN

You still have 2 month again in ENGLISH STUDIO, So, KEEP MOVING FORWARD and BREAK A LEG !!!

Overall, between first year and second year there was slight increase. After that, followed rose extremely in the next year. Finally, in fourth year dropped rapidly. The number of member from first year to second year fell slightly but increased gradually until fourth year.

------> be careful with singular and plural noun
singular noun : you can add "a" before noun
plural noun : you can add "s" after word of noun
--------> in a sentence there are verb and subject, so be careful in each sentence, because as long as I read your essay, you make mistakes in S+v+Agreement.

------> here is my suggest for your conclusion:
Overall, between first year and second year ...

it is important to note that, the amount of money increased slightly for the first three years, followed by a rapid drop in the last year. besides, there was an upward trend for the number of members over four-years period

Hallo.. here i try to give you some suggestions..

1. In paraphrase the question you miss understanding with other data about that there was 2 data, first about money to books club and the NUMBER OF BOOKS CLUB MEMBER

2. there was A SLIGHT INCREASE

3 AFTER THAT, IT WAS FOLLOWED BY EXTREMELY RISE

4. IN THE FOURTH YEAR IT DROPPED RAPIDLY

I hope it helps.. good luck !

Hi Alfinkurnia, let me give some comments

1. There are two spelling errors
ilustrates ----> illustrates
approximtely ----> approximately

2. ... of money has been given by city council ...
If you want to use passive sentence, you can use v + be + past participle

3. Overall, between the first year and second year ...
You have to use The + adjective/adverb to tell about superlative.

Thank you
Keep writing

1. The graph ilustrates the amount of money ... (need to pharaprase)

2. After that, followed rose [...] gradually until fourth year.(again in this part you only need put the interesting one phenomenon from the data)

3. ... to second year increase (INCREASED) by 2.500 and rose (...) in third year NEED COMMA but unfortunately ...

4. ... of members (MEMBER WHAT ) between first (...) decreaseDECREASED slightly from 15.000 ...
In fourth year members MEMBERS WHAT peak at 30.000.