Some people think that home-schooling is the best method for children's development

Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion.

Giving the education for children are divided into two perspectives. Some people think that home-schooling is the best method for children's development while others believe that children are necessary to go to school. I personally believe that both of the ways can give the advantages to children but in different point of aspects. In general, children who are taught at home become more independent, and usually solve the problem by themselves whereas children at school take the advantages through the teamwork and leadership skills which they will obtain there.

Children who study at school have to socialise with other students. Through communities at school, children can learn about team building, and how to create leadership skills. According to research in Educational System Department in Indonesia, 88 percent of children at school have joined the communities which have been provided by every school in that country. As a result,most people gave learned about socialisation and commitment in the team. Indirectly, community gives many skills which can obtain the children to learn about soft skill in life such as organisation skills.

On the other hand, children who are taught personally at home feel the different way of advantages. They will gain self-development which will help them in every critical situation. Based on the psychological research towards home-schooling students, when they are put in the empty room aloe with many cases in line with the academic matters, they can survive without looking other's help. it proved that home-schooling is the best way to create the individualism and confidential system in their personality.

All in all, teaching children at home or school has advantages in each method. I firmly believe that children at school are good at social skills while home-schooling students gain the best way of independent personality

@ifraanisa05
Giving Providing the education for to children can be are divided into two perspectives:Some people think (...) others believe that children are necessary to go to school it is beneficial for ...

... that both of the ways can be advantageous give the advantages to children but in different point of aspects differently.
... problem by themselves whereas children while those at school should take the advantages gain through (...) fostered there which they will obtain there.

I tried to improve your sentences grammatically and logically in just first para. You are getting too repetitive... like saying Children again and again. Pay attention to your syntax and structure and you can edit the other para's on your own. Last tip: don't use ALL IN ALL while concluding, it is boring way to conclude a sentence try stating your opinion as you mentioned in first para with some different words and avoid To conclude or Conclusively in the end.

88 % of the children at ...

You've used the words "skills" and "communities" way too much at the secord para of you essay. Try to use synonymous like abilities and teams/clubs.

feel the different way of advantages... - can experience different kind of advantages.

the empty room - remove the "the"

As zumbastrol have pointed out, your essay sounds too repeatable at times. Another thing that is worth mentioning is that, you've made a lot of mistakes with the usage of "the". Try to improve this part of your writing.