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These days, most of countries have faced intensity of teenagers crime.


nurhikmahtp 1 / -  
Nov 30, 2016   #1
The crime rate among teenagers has increased dramatically in many countries.

These days, most of countries have faced intensity of teenagers crime. However, young people should not be blame as the utmost responsible for this issue. As teenager's crime is escalating in society, adult people, specially parents, role due to the impact of tenagers behave should be assesed.

There are several possibilities of the crime improvement among tenagers. Family background is the fundamental reason of this problem. Either the lack of attention or over protective act giving to the tenagers will lead to unsatisfied feeling which than presented as unproper behaviour in society. For instance, most of teenagers who experienced broken home get only less attention from their parents. The lack of attention could be such the parents neglect their needs. To get what they want, but not from the parents, teenagers will start to involve in crime like steeling or grabbing stuffs from the store. Moreover, situation and condition of society member are also entangle to this problem. Civilization with low and medium earning class will have higher probability to become a factor that their teenage people get in crime. The improvement of teenage demans compared with lower wages people earn are imbalance that will lead to many chaos in society caused by teenagers.

Therefore, to tackle this serious problem, the involvement of parents and adult people in society should be increased and expanded. For example, the communication between parents and their children must be continued eventhough their family has separated. Additionally, all society have some activities gain teenagers engagement, such as arts performance, camping, and work together to clean up their environment.

To sum up, there has been a clear evidence that the increasing of tenagers crime is not only the teenage fault but also the lack of attention from parent and weak condition of society. Therefore, communication between parents and children, also creating social activities will be the best sollution to overcome this issue.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Nov 30, 2016   #2
Nurhikmah, due to the absence of the prompt, I can only focus on delivering feedback related to grammatical range and accuracy and not the content. The detailed descriptions below should help you.

- These days, most of countries...
- However, young people should not be blameblamed as the utmostentirely, totally, wholly | chiefly, largely, mainly, primarily | individually | collectively, jointly | formally, legally | nominally | financially responsible for this issue. (utmost = adj. responsible = adj. Double adjective is inappropriate. Those are the list of adverbs that can be collocated with the word responsible)

- ... in society, adult people role , especially parents, roledue to the impact of tenagers behave should be assesseddue to the impact from teenagers' behavior.

Overall, I reckon that this essay has poorly structured sentences and many spelling errors. This would not be beneficial towards your final grading and it might only get 5 or below in an actual IELTS test. My suggestion is that you need to proofread your essay several times for at least 1-2 minutes before submitting it to avoid unnecessary mistakes. Good luck for the next practice and welcome to EssayForum :)
nda18 46 / 81 9  
Nov 30, 2016   #3
Hi, these are my thought towards your essay

First paragraph :

These days, most of countries have faced the increment intensity ...
... escalating in society, adult people , specially parents, (...) should be assesedassessed

... possibilities of the crime improvement among tenagers.
(improvement is not the right collocation for the crime)

Thank you


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