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Here's a little part of a story I made up myself. Not sure about it..


divergence0 1 / -  
Jan 16, 2017   #1

those were great moments...



I take a glance around, but don't see my mum's car yet, so I set my luggage on to the floor. I don't bother taking a few steps away from the train tracks, but just stand there and look at the train slowly crawl away. With the increasing speed, a force, at least we learned this at school, pulls the air with it, which makes my hair fly all around. I take a deep breath and close my eyes to the sounds of all the noise around me. I haven't been here for what feels like forever, though I've only spent a couple of days at my father's. As I open my eyes the train has already gone out of sight.

That's when my mum parks her car in the parking right next to me. She gets out of her car half waving with both arms, as if I hadn't seen her. I smile and wave back, while dragging my luggage behind me in her direction. "How are you So? Tell me all about it!", she says as I put my stuff in the backseats. "Ehm, I guess I'm fine? I'm just fed up about this situation. I mean I've got better things to do than travel every second weekend around the country.", I grumble. "Yeah I know my darling, I'm sorry, but you know there are some things in the world you can't change, and that for example is one of those unchangeable things. Then she gives me a gentle kiss on my forehead and enters the car. So do I without losing another word about my dad. Instead we put on some music and talk about what plans we want to make for the following days to come, since I've still got holidays for two more weeks. "How about a movie night tonight?", my mum suggests, by which I totally agree and turn the music louder, until we can't even hear ourselves sing anymore.

Those moments, I guess, I'll miss the most one day, when I'm separated from her, because someone has left the other, be it on purpose or not. At exactly those moments the time almost stands still and I feel everything up to my bones, every feeling swinging and swirling inside my body. And there are many of those moments. Like for instance one happy memory I have with my mum, is the day she taught me how to ice skate. Herself she couldn't really ice skate, but she did her best to make it the best day of my life. Or all those bed time stories she told me as I was a kid. Everything she put aside to give me the life I now have.

A tear rolls down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away before my mum notices anything.
...
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4771  
Jan 17, 2017   #2
Dvergence, you have to give me something to work with here. Did you write this for creative writing class? I have to tell you that as an narrative based on your personal experience, I believe that you did a good job for most of the essay. It was engaging, imaginative, and took the reader on the ride with your mom and you in that car. Everything was going great until the last paragraph when you suddenly bring in the story about going ice skating with your mom. It came for out of the blue and did not really have a chance to develop in relation to the previous story because you suddenly cut it short. Why was that? Are you planning on developing that story further? I think the story doesn't really have a proper ending at the moment so you should work on creating a memorable conclusion to it.


Home / Writing Feedback / Here's a little part of a story I made up myself. Not sure about it..
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