The prompt (word limit: 200-300)
It is usually foolish to get married before completing your studies and getting established in a good job. Do you agree or disagree?
I am trying to practice essay writing for PTE, please kindly help review. Thank you!
marriage vs diploma
With the rapid development of the society more and more people are getting married before finishing studies and settling good job. Some are in favor of getting married before finishing studies is foolish, considering that there is no stable income source and the young students are not mature enough. But I disagree with that, in my opinion, by getting married in college the two people can benefit a lot from a range of measures, for example take responsibility, get closer and so on.
It is usually true that students do not have good income source and depend on parents financially, but this should not be an issue for getting married in college. The marriage is more about live together happily instead of money. Students have a lot of time to study together, build common interests and so on, all these will help them to strengthen the connection.
Moreover, getting married means the two people will take responsibility for each other and behave differently from before. Such change will get the couple to think and plan their future life and career more carefully, they can get mature during the process. The earlier the couple learn taking responsibility the better will they behave in the community, this in turn will benefit the society. And it is obvious nice having the two people study and discuss questions together, that can boost the efficiency of studying.
Taking considered measures, getting married in college should be supported and encouraged by the society, since it can benefit not only the two students but also the whole society. With more happy and good marriages in college were our life and the society to be better.You need to remember that in academic writing / essay, you are not supposed to write 'but' in the beginning of the sentence. This would make your essay becomes less academic and it is possible for the examiner to reduce your score. I am not an expert of PTE essay, but I am sure that this kind of essay is similar to IELTS writing essay task 2. Thus, my advice would be pretty much the same. Alternatively, you can write 'However/Nevertheless/On the other hand'/many more instead of 'but'.
With regard to the content, I might say that giving examples in the introduction paragraph is inappropriate. You just need to give clear main ideas about what the essay will be developed in the body paragraphs. Thus, you can say that the main possible discussion that is more likely to be described in the following paragraphs. For instance,
But I disagree with that, in my opinion, (...), for example take responsibility, get closer and so on.
However, I disagree with the notion, because in my opinion, a couple can gain benefits that cannot be obtained by a single man/woman. This essay will discuss the increasing responsibility and the additional powerful support from his/her partner as the advantages of marriage.
Hope this helps :)
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Hi Ethan, I have to point out something in your essay before I go to the detailed scoring of your work. The opening statement has a particular section that is confusing to read. It is the second sentence that seems to not have decided upon which aspect of the prompt you wish to side with in your essay. You say that "Some are in favor of getting married before finishing studies is foolish, ". If the person speaking is in favor of getting married before graduating, then it should not be foolish. He supports the act, therefore, it is not foolish. However, those who oppose the idea can believe that such an act is foolish. Do you see the difference? Now on to the scoring.
Content - 2
Formal Requirement - 2
Development, Structure, and Coherence - 1
Grammar - 1
General Linguistic Range - 0
Vocabulary Range - 1
Spelling - 2
The reason for the 0 score in GRL is based upon the word foolish that was used in the wrong manner in the essay. Unfortunately, that really affected the overall precision by which you presented your ideas and had to be scored accordingly. You also used the word "But" to start a sentence which is academically unacceptable in formal writing.
Hi Etha, I am gonna try checking your writing for finalizing. This moment I only concentrate on your content because you have been free of major errors grammatically.
for example take responsibility, get closer and so on.
Avoid using the word "so on". It's better if you include two examples because only those you would explain the body paragraph. That is the thesis statement which you have to review in the body paragraph. It will seem redundant words on condition that those are included there. Following this, you should afford distinguishing between a conjunction and transition word.
But I disagree with that,
However, I disagree....
It is able to your score because that will broke your flow. As far as we know, readers can understand well your writing when your flow is good. The flow can lead the readers to get the points your writing. You can find this sense quickly while you frequently read examples of writing.
Turning to your conclusion, you presented the new topic. I only remind you that the conclusion is extracted from the thesis statement. To create the conclusion, you only paraphrase your thesis statement by using your own. I said that as you display the effect on the society. Well, you mentioned influence for the society, but it was not strong. You have needed the supporting sentence to strengthen your opinion. When you make listing the opinion without its explanation, it seems as layman's opinion.
Hopefully, these can improve your writing and become considerations for your step to write.
Happy writing, good luck
Thank you all for the helpful and useful comments. I do learn a lot that I could not gain by reading/writing alone.
Following please find the updated essay, appreciate and looking forward to your further review.
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Getting married before finishing studies and getting a decent job is usually considered as foolish. However, I disagree with the notion, in my opinion, a couple can gain benefits that cannot be obtained by a single man/woman. The essay will discuss the increasing responsibility and great support from partner as the advantage of marriage.
It is usually true that students depend on parents financially due to lack of good income source, but this should not be an issue for getting married. A marriage is more about live together happily instead of money. As student, the two people have a lot of time to stay together, share important events and build common interests, all these will contribute to a good and happy relationship.
Moreover, getting married means the two people will take responsibility for each other and behave differently from before. Such change will get the couple to think and plan their future life and career more carefully, they can get mature during the process. And it is obvious nice having a partner to study and discuss questions together, that can boost the efficiency of studying. Lastly, when there are difficult situations, it will be extremely helpful to have a partner to encourage you and support you.
In conclusion, getting married in college stage should be supported, considering the benefits and advantages a couple can get from it.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 4783 Ethan, please try to avoid rewriting the essay after you have been scored on it. You will not have a chance to submit a new essay once you have written one in the actual exam setting. The score for that will be final. No do-overs. So the same should apply to your practice tests. Once you fail in it, you fail. It should not be scored again because that will already be a fake score. Fake because you improved the essay based upon improvements suggested. You do not have that opportunity in the actual test. So, to help you, I will not score this test anymore because it is based upon the corrections that I suggested. What you have to do is this, take the lessons you learned from your mistakes in this essay and apply them to your future tests. You cannot keep writing the essay twice like I said because you do not have a chance to do that in the actual test. The practice test is meant to help you prepare for the actual exam setting. Therefore, the score you got for this practice test is final. Make sure to apply the lessons you learned from the mistakes in this essay in your next practice test.
The one thing that I will offer a correction on is the second sentence in your first paragraph. You made a statement by saying "I disagree with the notion" so it ends with a period. The next word should have been capitalized. That is a grammar issue that you should be conscious of.
Thank you Mary, you are absolutely right! I will take the suggestions and try new practice.
