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A lot of technological enhancements have taken place in developing societies


prasanthbab 1 / 2  
Feb 20, 2017   #1
Any new technological development in the recent years is a boon or curse for the society in general

new technology - a blessing or a threat?



Science and technology have great influence on human life since their inception. A lot of technological enhancements have taken place in the developing society, and which are conspicuously affecting people's life. Considering this, some analysts argue that technology is improving our life, while, others think it is creating problems. This essay focuses on some pros and cons of technological advancements and asserts the appropriate conclusion.

To begin, technology has made our life very comfortable. It is clear that computers these days are so efficient and easy to use for people that they become a part of their life. Furthermore, with the advent of electronic communication world has become a global village. For instance, VOIP technology helps people to do face-to-face conversation with their kin and kith anytime. Moreover, technology enhances the students interest and intimacy towards their studies. They can watch recorded video tutorials to clear their concepts in any field. Also, medical discoveries occur at a much more rapid rate; thanks to machines and computers that aid in the research process and allow for more intense educational research into medical matters.

On the other hand, technology also brings some threats to people. Firstly, the inventions of weapons especially nuclear war gadgets are extremely dangerous for the existence of the entire life forms on the Earth. Secondly, an increased use of motor vehicles causes the contamination of the environment which eventually causes certain problems such as rise in a surface temperature and global warming. Lastly, companies that depend heavily on computer systems to conduct business can come to a virtual standstill if the system breaks down.

To conclude, I pen down saying that, the advantages of technologies outweigh disadvantages. However, as every garden has some weeds, higher authorities must take appropriate steps to reduce its negative effects.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4772  
Feb 20, 2017   #2
Prasanth, somehow I feel like the prompt that you provided is not complete. Surely there is more to the instructions you were provided than just the topic sentence. It is important that you provide me with the complete prompt instructions you were given for the proper assessment of your essay. Without it, all I can offer you will be an overview of the problems that your work currently presents.

To begin with, you cannot end your opening statement by saying that you will assert a proper conclusion. When you assert something, you do that with a degree of verbal or written force. Why exactly are you doing that in this essay? Aren't you just supposed to discuss the possible outcome of technological enhancements? You do not have an enemy when writing this essay. There is no need to "assert" anything. Again, providing me with the complete prompt requirement will help me to advice you regarding the best way to develop your opening statement / paraphrasing.

Next, nuclear warheads and other nuclear equipment are not considered gadgets. That is the wrong term to use. You probably meant to say "nuclear weapons" or "nuclear arsenal". Do not mistake nuclear weapons for technological enhancements at this point. The essay is asking you consider more basic things than the advanced nuclear instruments, which people do not have regular access to and most developing societies are not allowed to easily access due to the complexities of dealing with such instruments.

Your conclusion is too wordy and confusing. Just state what you want to say in a direct manner. By the way, the conclusion should only repeat, in summary form, the information you already provided with a reiteration of your opinion on the matter. It does not have to be poetic. It just has to make sense to the reader immediately.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Feb 20, 2017   #3
This essay focuses on some pros and cons of technological advancements and asserts the appropriate conclusion.

Just be more careful in giving such response towards the prompt. That sentence can be categorized as an unclear outline of the thesis statement. Next time, try to be more precise or specific in what kind of pros and cons that you are going to deliver in the body paragraphs. You just need to mention the general idea of it, not the whole elaborated argument/assertion(s). Therefore, the appropriate or recommended response would be like this:

This essay will first discuss the efficiency of computers and medical discovery as its primary advantages and second, the dangerous invention of weapons and the increasing usage of motor vehicles as its drawbacks.

In addition, avoid making too short conclusion like what you have written. Remember to at least create a paragraph that consists of three sentences minimum. That is the characteristics of strong and well-developed paragraph.

Hope this helps.
sehatdinati 7 / 21 5  
Feb 20, 2017   #4
@ichanpants89
Sorry for #OOT
Dear Iksan, how could I quote like that, if I want to review someone writing? Thank you!

@prasanthbab
Dear Prasanth, I dont know what is the command on this writing. Because there are few types of IELTS Writing Task 2.
Anyway, I'd like to suggest two things:
- First, you use "thanks," which is informal phrase I think that we shoudn't use in formal writing like IELTS.
- Second, in 3rd paragrah, after first setence, I think you need an explanation before you talk about "the kind of technology which bring bad impact." You can mention what is the kind of technology first. Then, when you explain the second setences, you do not jump and confusing reader.

I hope it'll help you though a little.

Fighting!
OP prasanthbab 1 / 2  
Feb 24, 2017   #5
Early technological developments VS recent technological developments -- task 2 IELTS [3] ✓

Hi Holt thanks for your prompt analysis on my essay writing.

As per your conclusion if I can paraphrase my introduction, Body 2 and conclusion i can get good score . If possible can you give some tips to paraphrase these paragraphs that will be much helpful.@sehatdinati

Thank you very much for your advise, I will follow your guidelines next time.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4772  
Feb 24, 2017   #6
Prasanth, the proper paraphrasing of the prompt depends solely on the way that you understand the topic for discussion and the method by which you are being asked to present the discussion of the essay. Therefore, the first paragraph should contain a clear representation of what you believe the topic discussion is. What do you understand from the meaning of the topic presented in the prompt? After you explain what you understand about it, present the next set of instructions related to the discussion. Either an agreement, a disagreement, an opinion, a comparison, or anything else that the prompt instruction may expect you to do. So these will be about 2 additional sentences to the first paragraph for a total of 3 sentences. I would like nothing more than to show you how to properly write a proper opening statement for your essay. If you can provide me with the original and complete prompt instructions for the essay that you wrote above, I will do my best to present an example to you that will best respond to your questions and serve as your guideline in creating the opening statement for this and your future essays.


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