hi there..., I have perused your writing report more closely, then I think some areas for improvement in terms of TA, CC, LR & GRA should be taken into consideration.
The diagrams below ilustrate the destination of UK graduate and postgraduate scholars who did not work full-time after graduating from the university in 2008.
As seen, the input material is directly copied as an introduction to this response. This is deducted your score as such a way is not counted and so loses marks in terms of TA
To earn a good score in this part, it is your task to compare and contrast the data shown by using both languages of comparison and change. Not only this, you need to present a very clear overview, covering what is being discussed in the following body paragraphs.
When it comes to communicative quality, it is always good to learn paragraph skills. Such skills help you organize every paragraph you construct more appropriately. As it can be seen from your report written, the paragraphs used are in adequate, and therefore this will send you to gain score lower in CC.
In this writing task 1, I did not see any less common vocabulary. Fyi, you will be tested on how to use sophisticated lexical items. In my place, English Studio Kampung Inggris Pare, I am more likely to foster an interest in uncommon ones in my IELTS students by reading more sample answers as I thoroughly believe that If students can use this with rare minor errors, then such a score will pass with flying colors.
Use past, rather than present, as this data based the graph taken from 2008. If you cannot use correct tense in this report, then this will distort the meaning. Remember that.
Hope this helps :D