Narrative essay for English about overcoming fears

to get out of your comfort zone

Hey guys! quick, I need my narrative essay fixed/edited. So we were suppose to write a personal narrative on any topic that helped us gain a new belief. For me I chose the time I faced my fears and auditioned for a kpop company. What I learned through this was you have to face your fears for your dream. My thesis is bolded. I would much appreciate help on my awkward syntax the most, and I didn't use much imagery, sensory detail or emotional appeal so if you could also give me some suggestions for those, thank you!

When I first walked into the audition venue, it felt as if I had just entered the Hunger Games. I am telling you, it was terrifying. As soon as I walked in, everyone, and I mean everyone, looked up and seemed to scrutinise every single inch of my body. Which then again, did make sense since I too would want to figure out the "competition." Immediately I was greeted by a male staff who directed me to the information table where I was instructed to fill out an application form containing my name, age, hobbies, etc. He then handed me a sticker with my audition number (#18) on it and told me to go sit with the rest of the auditioners until my number was called. I still couldn't believe it. Never in a million years would I have imagined myself to have built the courage to do this. I've always secretly wanted to audition for a kpop company but never actually did because I was too scared of what people would think. However, when I found out that JYP Entertainment was coming to Toronto, I knew this was a once in a lifetime opportunity I couldn't miss. I couldn't let fear ruin my life, at least not this time. If there was one thing I learned through this experience, it was to never give up without trying because you never know what could happen.

When I got to the waiting room, there were roughly 300 people already inside. This was probably the scariest part of the whole audition because from where we were, I could hear the previous group (crystal clear) through the door on the right. Just waiting and listening to the people audition before me was pretty intimidating and did nothing to calm my nerves. Although I was super nervous, I knew that this audition was my only chance to show them how badly I wanted it. I took a deep breath and used reverse psychology by telling myself "Don't lose confidence before even trying. Show them that you want to be a singer and give them your 100%." After the group before mine was done, we waited for them to exit the room before entering and were told to stand in a straight line. When we got in, there was one male judge who looked about mid thirties with a camera lady beside him. They were about 5 metres from us. The room was extremely small. 5 of us stood shoulder to shoulder and there really wasn't much more space. I was second in my group of 5. The first girl was a dancer, followed by me, a male model, a female model, then a female singer. We were told to look in the camera at all times and not the judge. Whilst I was performing, the other 4 in my line would watch/listen, as well as the next group of 5 waiting outside the door in the rectangular room. So essentially, I was performing in front of 10 people, aside from the judge and camera lady. I danced to Red Velvet's Dumb Dumb and they stopped me after a good minute. After we left the room, I felt a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. My hands were shaky, mouth dry, legs wobbly, yet I was filled with adrenaline because I couldn't believe I just did that.

Overall, this audition helped me developed my belief because it made me truly realize that you'll never get amazing opportunities like this if you're not willing to get out of your comfort zone. You must face your fears and take a chance because you just never know what come happen. Auditioning for JYP Entertainment was truly an experience I will never regret (despite possibly making a huge fool of myself). I'm honestly glad I tried it out and gave it a shot. You have nothing to lose and you don't want to regret not trying out for something you like.

There is an unanswered question in your presentation. You said "Never give up without trying because you will never know what could happen." Therefore, the belief system you created was based upon "at least trying". So what happened after you tried out? Obviously you did not make it through to the next level of auditions. but what happened during the time you were waiting for the decision? I don't get a sense of personal growth and connection with your newly minted belief system. That makes the essay inaccurate in presentation and does not really fulfill the expectations of your thesis statement. You narrated and you described but you did not show growth as a character / person who underwent such a personality altering audition. What lessons were learned that led you to develop your thesis statement? Anybody can try out and say, "At least I tried". In this case though, your thesis statement begs you to discuss more than that. As a college application essay, you have to consider this written interview as a way of presenting the idea of how you deal with disappointment and how you find personal enlightenment or chances for personal growth through these failures, which there may be a lot of, during your college life. Your thesis is good, but the presentation still needs to be developed further. It concentrated too much on descriptions and lost the balance of personal insight in the process.