CBEST Writing Test : Explain if you have taken any risk in your life.

Hi, Please help me understand my weaknesses, in writing. Thanks in advance.

Achieving the goal through risk

In everyone's life, there comes a situation where we need to take some serious, difficult decisions, the consequences of which can be, entirely, in your favor or can be against you. Moreover, the situation of taking a risk is a time for a strict test and to achieve the success, you ought to be firm in your decision, in all odds. Obviously, there was one such situation in my life where I also took a firm decision for my career.

First of all, I belonged to a small, peaceful town in India. As a result, since my birth till my post graduation, I did not face a life outside the circle of comfort in which my parents raised me. Since my father was a government employee, everything was established in advance. In addition to that, schools, shopping place, clubs etc all were, always, the same and almost everyone owning the shops was familiar with my family.

Furthermore, after my post graduation, I did a degree course in the field of education and joined my first job as a lecturer in a college. Everything seemed just fine with my family including myself until I arouse some interest in the field of Information Technology. The Information Technology was on its peak during that time and teaching in an enthralling IT college spark off some instantaneous inquisitiveness. Consequently, I did some short-term certification in the field of Quality Assurance but finding an IT job in the local area was next to impossible as there was no IT firm in or around my city. For the obvious reason, I wanted to try my luck in a metro city like Delhi and my family was entirely against my opinion. Against all odds, I was determined to try my luck in Delhi.

After a detailed discussion, my parents, finally, agreed with my decision and I came to Delhi. However, Getting a job in Delhi wasn't as easy, as I imagined. Besides, in a city like Delhi survival, without your own vehicle, was backbreaking. Moreover, I encountered many rejections in the beginning, which was extremely upsetting. Every time when I used to call my parent, I always received the same advice on coming back, as they did not want me to face the harshness of the Big City. Besides all this, I did not lose my hope and after struggling for about a month and a half, I finally, found a job in an IT firm, as Associate Quality Assurance. This brought a stream of happiness in my family. I was extremely happy and felt so proud that I gave a pat on my back.

My staying firm on my decision taught a lesson for my life that when you are taking a risk, you need to be focused, work hard, and be dedicated to your aim, and there is no power in the world that can stop you from fulfilling your dreams.

Rajni, the essay doesn't really come across as you having taken a risk in your life. Instead, it comes across as you, being of a privileged upbringing and thinking that you needed to try, not risk, living an independent life. Notice that your essay spends more time establishing the fact that you come from a well to do and well connected family. The "risk" part was so minimal towards the end that it could be considered a mere afterthought in the discussion when it should have been the focal point of the presentation. The "risk" that you present isn't even really a "risk" because you had an option to fall back on, which was to return to your protected and privileged life with your family.

When the essay asks you about a risk that you have taken in your life, you need to discuss something with more meat. Something that says "I have a lot to lose if I don't succeed in this." For example, if you had said that you cut off all communication, relation, and financial support from your family when you decided to go to Delhi, then the story would have been quite different. If your parents had disowned you because you wanted to take a path they did not approve of, then that shows a clear "risk" in your essay. The essay that you wrote only shows that you were part of the regular demands of a graduate looking for a job, with the safety net of your family and their connections hovering in the background ready to swoop in and save you if needed. This weakened the "risk" factor in the essay and as such, did not allow you to create a gripping, involving, and convincing essay.

@Holt
Thank you so much. I will try again. Can you please tell me what else needs an improvement, like grammar, Punctuations, etc.