The bar chart illustrates the Biritish male and female employees working in different occupations

IELTS writing Task 1 : The Employment of Both Sexes by Occupation in UK in 2005

The bar chart illustrates the Biritish male and female employees working in different occupations in 2005.
Overall, the percentage of men workers were dominate in most of job sectors. While there were only 4 fields in which women leaded.
We can see that in the field of skilled-trades, the distance between male and female was greatest with 20% of man and just about 2,5% of women. There was 12% workers choosing the process, plant and machine operattives sector and this proportion had a quite large distance of gender, with figure for man was six-fold higher than for women. The proportion of women in three sector: Manager and senior officials, Professional and Elementary was similalr and also lower than of men. However, the gap of gender was higher in manager and senior officals than two other sectors.

On the other hand, the percentage of female in administrative and sales and customer service secretarial was dominate, about 22% and 14%, respectively, and the same figure for men, at only 5%. This proportion in personal service was six-fold than male. However, the distribution of employment by gender working in associate professional and technical had a litle bit differents, with 15% of female and approximate 11% of male.

Please help me this essay. Thanks you so much!!!

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Kieu, it seems that the image you uploaded cannot be enlarged so that is making it a bit difficult to analyze your essay in terms of data presentation, relevance, and missed discussion points. That has not prevented me from making some immediate observations about your work though. Most if the problem comes from your lack of a properly formatted and informed presentation of the information summary, also known as the summary overview.

Your analysis became flawed because of the lack of outline in your presentation. When you read a chart, there are a few things you need to take note of before you start drafting the content. The immediate observations you have to make include:

1. What type of graph you are looking at.
2. The purpose of the graph.
3. The source of data plus the measurement type
4. The discussion instruction.
5. The overall trend.

These information should come cohesively and coherently together in the first paragraph. Upon this presentation, you will be able to gain a deeper analysis of the illustration. Don't compress your data into a single paragraph. Don't keep hitting enter instead of the space bar either. You need to fully develop your paragraph presentations by allowing yourself to explain the information from the chart in a complete manner. Don't just explain the obvious. Look for deeper discussion points that may not be there the first time you review the image.

Basically, you draft your paper with the immediate information, then go back to the image and look for discussion areas you might have missed the first time you wrote the paper. Add any information you find this time around and then finalize the content for presentation. It is only by being highly critical of the given image that you will be able to write an intricate and well scored analysis essay.

@hapi_hana9
Hi, I'd like to rewrite a sentence for you.

Overall, the percentage of men ...
=> Overall, most of job sectors are predominantly male.

Do you see the difference? In ielts chart writing, it is tempting to repeat "the number of", "the percentage of", and the like. But the repetition will drag down your LR points. Try to reduce the use. There are many other ways to mean the same thing.