I WANT BAND 8.0 - IELTS2 - FATHERHOOD IS AS MUCH IMPORTANT AS MOTHERHOOD.

Hi！I'm an graduate student who aim to gain band 8.0 at Ielts exam.
This is first time I upload my words and ask help for it. I will be really appreciate if you can leave any comments.
Please kindly help me to evaluate and score it.

OTT: Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?

the duty of bringing up the children

Traditional point of view claims that nature grants sacred giving birth duty for only woman so the following children rearing task will be also belong to them and the motherhood must be mainly focused during childhood. In modern society, however, it is agreed with the opinion that the responsibility of paternity in bringing the children up should be increasingly emphasized. This essay will discuss, firstly the important of fatherhood in nurturing children and secondly the necessary of sharing upbringing tasks in family by both parents, followed by a reasoned conclusion.

Children live with both parents will develop personality comprehensively. Sweetening, heartiness from mother and bravery, generous from father are the most important elements to shape childen's future characteristic and combine with ecucating process to determine whether when growing up they can become kind people or not. For instance, while housework with mother gives carefulness lesson, sports and outdoor activities which they take with father can not only teach them about enthusiasm but also develop physical. In modern life, however, the single parent now can be responsible for all elements they want their children learn but the ideal model is still both parents.

Sharing child rearing tasks by father is essential in every family. Nowadays, to make sure for a comfortable life and best future for child, almost both parents must enter to work to earn living, which make mother have less time to take care for child and need support from father. Mother takes child go to school in the morning and father picks them up in the afternoon is the particular example to illustrate it. Nevertheless, it doesn't mean in case the financial support completely depends on father, there isn't need it because of upbringing tasks is the best way to strengthen relationships in family.

The responsibility of bringing the children up apparently needs the joint efforts from both mother and father. Although there is still obsolete conception that it is just belong to mother, in the cycle of modern society it is strongly believed that more and more people will recognize and emphasize on fatherhood.

TRAN, I am very sad that you had a pretty good start to this essay with an almost acceptable prompt paraphrase, then you failed to properly indicate the discussion instruction of the essay. The mistake that you made is so clear, the examiner will be sure to give your TA consideration a failing score. Let me show you where the mistake lies by comparing the original prompt discussion instruction with the discussion instruction that you presented as your thesis statement:

Original Instruction: To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?
Your Discussion : This essay will discuss, firstly the important of fatherhood in nurturing children and secondly the necessary of sharing upbringing tasks in family by both parents, followed by a reasoned conclusion.

This is to be discussed as an "emotional" essay with only one point of view presented, discussed, and defended in your discussion essay. What you wrote was a comparison essay. Therefore, you have proven that while you understood what the topic is about, you did not understand the discussion instructions, which will result in a total failing score for the essay. You cannot be given a passing score for the rest of the scoring considerations when you did not manage to discuss the topic in the correct manner.

This being your first posting in this forum, I will not score the essay yet but I will tell you that this essay will not pass in an actual setting based upon the situation I presented above, It would be better if your familiarize yourself with the various methods of discussing the prompt instructions by reading the samples here. That should get you on track towards becoming familiar with the discussion types for the Task 2 essay.

By the way, when you present an emotional response, you should either strongly agree / disagree or partially, agree/disagree. Remember you need to pick one side and justify it in the discussion of the essay. If you use the term "partially" then you can discuss the essay in a comparison manner. You have to be specific about the strength of the opinion that you have in order to accurately respond to the prompt requirement.