A Trip Back in Time

I seem to be having problems witting essays. I do my best but it seems the teacher doesn't agree. I dont have time to talk to her about it so Im here hoping you guys will help. My introduction i believe is always my problem. I tried this hook but teacher denied it. Any suggestions would be appreciated. (I am turning this in tomorrow so i doubt you guys will help by then but I will still learn from what you guys have to say afterwards. Many thanks. Any comments welcomed. Prompt is: Witnessing a past event and having a positive effect me.

As I Stood up to say the pledge of allegiance, I began to think how it all began. Ever since America was found, it was owned by Great Britain and it wasn't until the declaration of independence that we were truly free. If I had the ability to go back in time and witness the fight for declaration of independence. From all that happened during that time, it would help me appreciate the freedom we have now so much more and I would learn freedom comes in a high cost to everyone involved.

To begin with, this country I love was now always free. As America was found my Europeans, they began to take control. I would see hardworking men and woman of our country working hard for their families, to then pay England taxes they don't deserve. I see them struggle to pay for their food, while those in Europe are enriched in power and money, but they thought they deserved what our men and woman earned. They have no choice but to give them the money they earned unfairly. All this injustice happening in front of my eyes would definitely help me appreciate the freedom I have now.

Furthermore, as I see them start to fight back over then land. I begin to realize something, for all the men and women to fight for their rights and freedom isn't easy. I can see deaths, injured civilians, and families crying over loved ones, now gone. This freedom came in a high cost to us. Not only us, but people from the other side also gained a big loss. Clearly after witnessing all this, I can surely see how much it cost to be able to sign that declaration of independence.

In the end, I learned many valuable lesson during my trip back in time. These two lessons will definitely have a positive effect in my life. Although in my present time I have freedom, I became aware it wasn't always like this. I began to have a great understanding of in our early civilization of America was unjust. When we finally began to gain our freedom, it was not earned easily and it came at a high price to everyone in that time. By observing all this, I believe that not only I have learned from this experience, but now you have too.

-Victor Minacapelli

I suggest that you make the time. Saying that you don't have time to talk to her will only increase her belief that you are not doing your best.


This is a sentence fragment.


Read this sentence carefully. Do you see the word that makes it mean something other than you intended? Careless proofreading always makes teachers think you are not doing your best.


Many lessons? Or two lessons? Your sentences need to agree with each other.

I feel like your essay does need some changing. Although its a creative idea - the way you wrote it... it comes off as choppy.

Try to make your sentances flow better.