Hi guys,
I need some help on my admission goal statement essay. This is my first draft. There are a few questions that need to be answered:
immediate goal
long-term goal
primary chllenges
steps taken to assess the viability of my post-MBA goals
reasons why I choose this particular program
I read some of the essays and feedback on this site. Some of you are such wonderful writers. Made me realize that I should've read and practiced more writings when I first came to this country:) Please provide any criticism, feedback, or advice on my work. I really appreciate the time you spend reading this!
Thanks
Leon
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When I was a child, my father instilled the idea that a good personal finance education is on par with all of the history, mathematics and science I learn in school when it comes to being able to reach the goals that we set for ourselves. As I grew up, I discovered that very few have actually been taught how to manage their finances despite its obvious importance. For instance, many people tend to think that personal finance is only for those who already have lots of money, and so they don't even bother trying to learn about financial matters. Whilst others tend to think that money will somehow take care of itself, so all they worry about is having enough money to buy the latest designer clothes or electronic equipment. I would like to help changing this misconception. This brings me to my long term goal - helping people to take control of their financial lives and achieve their financial goals. Most of today's financial services are geared toward a very small segment of the population who holds most of the wealth. But my aim is to start a financial consulting firm focusing on helping small investors to achieve their financial freedom.
Starting an investment consulting firm is a long and difficult process. I believe that the right MBA program would put me on the right track. My plan is to study a wide breadth of topics in the program's first year broadening my horizons, and then pursue finance as my specialized curriculum in the second year learning as much as I can about personal and corporate investing. After the MBA program, my immediate goal is to obtain a leading financial advisor position in a major investment bank where I can leverage my skills to help bring people the awareness of the importance of financial planning and to maximize profits for my clients.
I've taken some small steps towards my lifetime goal. For the past twelve years, I spent a considerable amount of time to educate myself about the financial markets. With a group of friends who share the same interest, I have been an active participant in stock, options, and currency markets. I also provide investment consulting services to family members, friends, and other referrals free of charge. My focus is not only to increase profits, but also to learn to build long term relationships with clients. For instance, Tom whom I met in a tennis club came to me for some investment advice. Recent selling of his rental property has generated a sizable amount of cash for him. He wanted to know if he should invest all this cash in his favorite company - Apple. Before we talked about the investment choice, I asked him a few questions regarding his investment time horizon, objectives, and risk tolerance. I especially wanted to make sure that he didn't need this particular money in the short term because people usually do not make sound choices if they are relying on the money. Furthermore, I told him that Apple Inc., although a very well-run company, is only one of the many investment choices and that diversifying his portfolio is just as important as picking the right stock to own. After the brief talk, he decided to take more time to think through all of his options before our next meeting. Even though I didn't help him to make profits right away, I feel that I've put him in a good position to start his journey in stock investment.
There are many challenging aspects of building a successful financial consulting company. Among them, networking is one of the most important and also maybe one of the most difficult. It is a must for the consultant to have exemplary networking skills to help generate word-of-mouth for the business. I believe that the XXX's huge and diverse population provides a solution to this particular challenge. As the largest university in the region, the XXX would present me with the opportunity to network with a diverse group of people, try new activities, and also allow me to find like-minded people who share my interests and goals. By applying to the XXX program, I aim to deepen my knowledge of financial markets as well as acquiring the essential management and leadership skills that will help me to pursue my ultimate goal of starting my own financial consulting firm.
Hello Leon!
Can you write the first sentence in a simpler way? I got the meaning, but such a long opening sentence can be discouraging.
I've
Avoid contractions in formal writing.
For the past twelve years, I
have spent a considerable amount of time
toeducating myself...
Your essay is good; however, you should talk more about the program. Are there any modules which interest you greatly? You have said that you want to concentrate on finance. But finance is such a broad field. Do you have something even more specific in mind?
You talk about the diversity of the student population of the university. But there are also other universities like that -- ones that have lots of international students. So what is so unique about your chosen one?
I would like to help changing this misconception. the paragraph will be better without this sentence.
But my aim is to start a financial consulting firm focusing on helping small investors to achieve their financial freedom. --- can you be a little more specific by lengthening this sentence and telling just one or two more details of this vision for the future?
I've taken some small steps towards my lifetime goal. --- this is a sentence that could be replaced with a sentence that takes up a similar amount of space but conveys an idea that is more meaningful.
Really, this essay id solid. You have a clear goal, and you explained it well. I wish you luck!
ershad193, I agree that I need to talk about the specifics of the program. Maybe get into some classes or student programs. That's the toughest part for me right now. I definitely need to spend some time researching the schools that I am applying. Thanks so much for the suggestions. That's really helpful.
Thanks for the corrections, EF Kevin. Your advices make sense. I will cut out those words and try to replace them with some specifics in my second draft.
