Writing Feedback / MANYCOUNTRIES ARE ORGANISING INTERNATIONAL SPORTING EVENTS.DESCIBE PROS AND CONS [4]

Did you intend to post the entirety of your essay? Only the first few words appear. And they are in ALL CAPS. I asked you before: DON'T SHOUT. Now let me tell you the only comment you will get from me if you post the remainder of this essay in ALL CAPS: Proper capitalization is an essential element of properly punctuated prose. Revise your essay using proper capitalization.

Undergraduate / What would you do to improve the world? - Trinity College Schorlaship [4]

Writing your essay in the form of a dialogue for a contest like this is a risky but potentially beneficial maneuver. If you do it well, then your creativity may pay off. If you do it poorly, then you would have been better off sticking with a standard essay format. If you do not want to post your draft here due to the contest aspect of this, then be sure to have several people you know read it and tell you honestly whether your creative approach is working.

Undergraduate / 'German heritage in Maryland' - a draft for the short answer section - Common App [7]

Yes, that's better. The problem with the original phrasing was that the referent of "it" was not clear. And, to answer your over-arching question, students just have to do what they can with these short answers. If you can find a way to include something lively or pithy while still reserving enough words to relate the facts you need to relate, great. If not, just say what needs to be said as clearly, concisely, and engagingly as possible.

Undergraduate / "Chinese boy raised in Malaysia" University of Wisconsin Essay [22]

To which UW campus are you applying?

Writing Feedback / Making A Difference (to save the environment) [9]


You're the expert. Oh, no, wait -- that's me.

Take my advice or not. Your essay as it stands is passable. As somebody who whole-heartedly shares your environmental commitments, I'd like to see it be the strong essay it could be. Starting with tepid statements about "attempting to save the environment" by turning off lights is (a) dull, and (b) does not in fact adequately introduce what's to come. You've done something exciting and worthwhile but you introduce yourself dully as someone who's satisfied with turning off the lights.

The last sentence in your new introduction is promising. Start there, that's my advice. Take it or leave it.

Undergraduate / George Washington University- Transfer Student Admissions Essay [7]

Right, but in some spiritual systems, the start and end point are the same place and journey is not the metaphor used.

Undergraduate / Piano; practicing a classical piece satisfies me, I can feel the tangible results of my improvement [9]


No, s/he is writing about improvisation, which is the opposite of playing a specific piece except in those rare cases where a composer has allowed a few bars for improvisation.

Writing Feedback / 'saving land for the endangered animals' - toefl IBT issue [7]

This is pretty good for a TOEFL essay, where the time factor prohibits one from looking up facts to support one's arguments. Still, you might have explained that growing grain to feed cattle is wasteful because it is more effective for people to eat grains (and legumes and other crops used as livestock feed) directly rather than by channeling them through animals.

A few corrections and suggestions:

I thinkT hese problems can be solved through careful and reasonable plans.

but the situation that animals, once die out, nothing can be done to make it up. -- This does not belong where it is placed, although it should be elsewhere in your essay, phrased as "Once an animal is extinct, nothing can be done to bring it back.

Thus, only in the context of genetic diversity (or "biodiversity") can every species live in prosperity .

Undergraduate / Folding Diseases (UVA Admissions Essay) [2]


It's a bit show-offy, but readers expect that in an admission essay. I like the use of avant-garde, but "insuperable" means incapable of being solved, which seems to contradict the possibility of finding a solution, however avant it may be. You could counter the contradiction by adding "seemingly" before insuperable.

I like the topic of the essay, although perhaps that's because I am charmed by the folding project too. Still, I think this is a strong contender.

Writing Feedback / As a young man I'd choose to purchase a business instead of a house; TOEFL [4]

Your prose is clearly that of a non-native speaker, but is not "strange" in the way that you worry about. Watch out for articles (a, an, the) -- you tend to omit or misplace them, which is a sure sign of a non-native writer.

Writing Feedback / Making A Difference (to save the environment) [9]

I moved your revision back to the original thread, where it belongs.

I see that you ignored my previous advice, which still stands.

Undergraduate / "Out of difficulties, makes miracle" (Purdue University essay) [10]


Yes, of course. Intensive English courses are for people who need to improve their English.

That said, I share the concern that much of this essay, in its concern with the minutae of your GPA, is beside the point of the prompt.

But this is one instance where we have to look at grammar before we can even think about content, because the grammatical errors are so frequent and glaring that they inhibit the comprehensibility of the essay.

Here is a piece of advice you may or may not want to hear: If you hope to get into a school like Purdue, you must -- absolutely must -- attend carefully enough to your grammar so that, at minimum, you consistently use proper verb tenses. You can get away with some errors, but errors on this scale mark you as unready for university-level study conducted in English.

So, you will need -- quickly -- to change this attitude:


English was your only major subject. English is not easy for you. You will need to work hard on English.

Start now. Go through this essay and put the whole thing into past tense. Do not use the present tense of verbs unless you are writing about something that is currently or still happening. You had lots of free time in your time-table; you started to play computer games; etc., etc.

Post a revision and we'll see what we can do.

Undergraduate / George Washington University- Transfer Student Admissions Essay [7]


All of this can go. As others have pointed out, the first two sentences are trite. You follow by saying what you can't say and didn't think -- not a very positive way to start an essay. Begin with what you have next.


Hmmm... Double negative there, but I bet you mean that you doubt anyone would deny that life is a journey. I deny that. The journey motif, often paired with the heroic quest motif, is a very common way of portraying life but certainly not the only way to see it.

Graduate / Thorough and critical review needed for PhD for Global Health SOP [4]

Right. Your story is compelling and should stand you in good stead, so don't omit any content. But do tighten up the phrasing in order to make room for a couple-few more sentences about your purpose.

Undergraduate / Transfer Admission Essay - a thoughtful commentary on your academic goals [6]


Media and their connection to the human experience are fascinating, so much so that this tepid statement falls flat. Show your scholarship by starting with a specific problem or question in media studies that fascinates you. Also, the "science of communications" is too vague. Again, say specifically what it is you want to learn at the new school that you cannot learn at your current school.

Undergraduate / Applying to college after a 10 year absence; Non-traditional Student [5]

I'm in agreement with Sean. The essay as a whole is strong, but the conclusion is weak. The ending just doesn't have the power you want. Is there some other image of your future as a nurse that you could use instead?

Undergraduate / "America's Best Colleges" guide - UCF Admissions Essay Help? [16]


What major? Why don't you say? This essay could have been written by any applicant. You need it to reflect you personally.

Writing Feedback / IN MOST COUNNTRIES PLANT AND ANIMALS ARE DECLINING ,TELL REASON AND SOLUTIONS [3]


Right, and when we kill off a "keystone species" like the tiger, the changes end up reverberating throughout the ecosystem. But, please, DON'T SHOUT.

You mention birth control. You're onto something there but must be careful in your phrasing and to offer support. What we know from extensive research is that access to birth control for women in impoverished and despoiled regions leads to the seemingly paradoxical results of increased development and decreased pollution. In brief, the women in such regions tend to be responsible for food, firewood, and water for their families. Given control over their own bodies via birth control, they not only limit the number of children to those they can afford to feed but also are more likely to engage in sustainable development (and less likely to do environmentally destructive things out of desperation.)

But, of course, giving women access to birth control is quite a different thing than strongly discouraging women in such regions from having children or in any way trying to forcibly limit their reproduction. And, of course, it's the children in high-income regions (where everybody has access to birth control) who use up more than their fair share of world resources. That's why it's essential to be precise and careful when making claims about birth control as a means of limiting environmental damage caused by people.

Essays / Prompt for "Examsmanship and the Liberal Arts" by Perry [9]

"Bulling?" If this is a term used in a special way in the essay, oughtn't it be in quotes in the prompt? Since it is not in quotes, it must mean "pushing one's way by force," which is the only possible definition of the term used as a verb in this manner. How the use of force is in any way consistent with the goals of a liberal education, I cannot imagine.

Writing Feedback / Should government withhold information?--A GRE Issue topic [12]


Yes, I just had the same frustrating experience with another user.

Undergraduate / LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW - "The Mission"; Apa format [4]

You repeatedly cite "(JPL, 2006)" but nothing matches this in your references section. Generally, you would use something like "JPL" only if this is an institutional author that goes by those initials. For example, WHO might be listed in your references as "World Health Organization (WHO)" and then, in your text, also be initially identified by both full name and initials, after which point it would be acceptable to use the initials in your citation. In any event, any cited text must also appear in your references section.

Undergraduate / Piano; practicing a classical piece satisfies me, I can feel the tangible results of my improvement [9]

This is fine, but I would like it to have more of the creative freedom it describes. You repeat yourself and use empty modifiers (e.g., "fully savor") that could be cut in order to more creatively convey the feeling of improvisation. What do you improvise? Experimental music a la John Cage? Jazz a la Thelonious Monk? Let the reader in on what flows from your keys when you let yourself go.

Undergraduate / Another one for Roomies... (So many people are applying to Standford !) [22]


Just FYI, "advice" is one of those words that is the same in the plural and singular forms.

Writing Feedback / Critique my essay; American Sports : Sportsmanship or to win at any cost [12]


You want grammatical advice? Don't use "u" when you mean "you."

Sean and I have offered our advice. Perhaps some forum members or contributors would check your grammar for you if you asked more politely, but we would like to see a revision of substance before beginning to tackle the very many grammatical errors in your first draft.

Writing Feedback / As a young man I'd choose to purchase a business instead of a house; TOEFL [4]


This should all be one paragraph. Also, you shift suddenly from first person singular ("I") to first person plural ("we"). In English, unless one is royalty, it is not common to refer to oneself in the plural. It is always a grammatical error to shift suddenly and without explanation or reason from singular to plural.

Book Reports / Analytical essay on A Rose for Miss Emily [4]

I'm guessing this is for second-semester college composition. If so, you want to include the specific instances of symbolism and "gothic elements" you will elaborate in the body of your paper within your thesis statement.

Writing Feedback / Toefl Question: Movies and books in a modern life [10]


So, this experience will maybe motivate you to read more often?

The main general principle that you should get from this is to always read the TOEFL question very carefully and to answer it exactly. If you just write an essay on the general topic of the question but do not answer the question exactly as it was phrased, you will score very low. The assumption will be that you do not read English well enough to understand the question properly.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the happiest day of my life so far? [9]


Now I'm curious about that. I know a lot of Italians, but none of them are particularly concerned with following rules. Quite the contrary! All of my Italian friends are decidedly anarchistic.

Writing Feedback / Critique my essay; American Sports : Sportsmanship or to win at any cost [12]

Yes, and while you're adding the all-important specific examples, be sure to organize the essay so that your introduction and conclusion clearly state your thesis. Then we can work on grammar.

Writing Feedback / Taking standardized tests to prove learning progress - Toefl IBT writing essay [6]


Well, this shows that is not a good prompt for the TOEFL, as it requires some cultural knowledge that some test-takers do not have. Standardized tests are tests that are administered to large groups of students -- all of the students in a school district, state, or even country -- for purposes of comparing the students (or their schools) to one another. They are called "standardized" because all of the students in different schools take the same tests. They are generally administered once each year or even every other year. Some school districts use a standardized graduation test.

Graduate / Jamaican in Japan (First Draft) [5]

The content of this essay is very strong, but I'd like to see you tighten up the narrative, which rambles in its relaxed phrasing at times, and use more concise sentences in general.

Undergraduate / What appeals the most to you about our school - My admission essay [8]

You could start the essay with the moment you clicked "Explore P" but only if that school is truly a perfect match for you and you can explain why.

Writing Feedback / Should government withhold information?--A GRE Issue topic [12]

Oh no, this is not OK. Now I am sorry that I gave feedback on your essay. You must -- absolutely must -- give substantial feedback to other forum members or risk being banned from the forum. How can you expect us to spend time critiquing your essays for free if you will not take the time to do so for others?

Writing Feedback / GRE argument--Prescribe medication on men and women [3]

The scope of your arguments is good. You hit on the key error in the prompt, the words "whenever pain medication is required," and gave several reasons why that is not a valid conclusion from the data at hand.

In addition to the limited kind of pain and kind of medication studied, you might also have noted the relatively small sample size and raised the question of the age and ethnicity of the participants, as these too have been shown to be associated with differential rates of synthesis/uptake of certain medications. With a sample size that small, it's impossible for a wide range of ages and ethnicities to have been adequately represented.

That's a minor point. More troublesome is the organization -- or, rather, lack of organization of this essay. Did you outline first? Do that, in order to make sure that your introduction adequately states your thesis and that your arguments flow in a logical order.

Writing Feedback / Toefl Question: Movies and books in a modern life [10]

The first key to writing a successful TOEFL essay is answering the question. The question this prompt asks is: "What have you learned about a place or its people from watching films or reading books?" In this second try, you did write about two specific works, meeting the requirement to use specific examples, but you did not answer the question. Neither Robinson Crusoe nor Castle in the Sky taught you anything about a place and its people because neither of them is set in a real place.

What book or movie taught you something about a real place or the culture of the people who live there?

Undergraduate / 'my close friend Jacob' - UF Essay, focused enough? Looking for opinion on it. [12]

I'll just chime in to say that "carpe diem" is not generally considered to be a "light-hearted" saying. It can also be said as a challenge or as an implicit warning that failing to do so will lead to regret.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the happiest day of my life so far? [9]


Please explain what you mean by that. I'm curious.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Mark Twain [7]

Your revision is much stronger. In general, I advise people under 30 to avoid saying "nowadays," as if they were intimately familiar with earlier eras, so I'm glad you cut that part out. But now your introduction is somewhat vapid. Could you, perhaps, lead with something said by Twain that epitomizes what you admire about his way of looking at the world? Normally, I don't advise starting with quotes, but in this case it might help liven up the essay, since Twain is so acerbic.

Undergraduate / "one week to compensate for 7 years of absence" - UF Topic [11]

...I visited family everywhere who, despite their poverty...

Leaving my family again was one of the hardest things that I have ever done .


This is a run on sentence. Break it into two or three sentences.

Undergraduate / "My passion for hockey" ; extracurricular activity [5]


It's good that it's a narrative. But, I'd get rid of the "woulds" and also use an action verb in the first sentence.