Writing Feedback / any criminals commit further crimes as soon as they are released from prison. cause and solutions [2]

I am afraid that the vocabulary usage in this essay is quite problematic. The essay does not require the advanced word usage in this case because the advanced word usage overemphasizes the discussion. Most of the time, the words are used somewhat out of context, leading to a more dramatic, but irrelevant discussion sentence. It is better for you to use simple, everyday words so that the discussion flows much smoother and avoids any and all exaggerations.

The writer will not receive a score for the writer's opinion section because there was no opinion given in response to the 2 guide questions in summary form. The repeat of the discussion instructions did not fulfill the preliminary TA scoring requirement so the paragraph will receive a lower score than expected.

While the discussion paragraphs are valid and carry good topic sentences, it lacks in actual discussion development. That is because the writer focused on anchor topic presentations instead of a single anchor topic, then a full development of the paragraph in relation to the given anchor topic. The essay could then be judged to be under developed and will receive the corresponding score.

Undergraduate / Dream and efforts you have made to achieve it and your future plan / KAIST [2]

You can delete the introductory paragraph and revise the 2nd paragraph to serve that purpose instead. The 2nd paragraph is more attuned with the quick reference to information that the limited word count essay requires. By going direct to the point, the reviewer will speedily understand the point of your application. The opening anecdote does not serve that purpose because the story being told is already far too common among the student-teacher circles.

I would also like to point out that the following reference point should be better addressed:


The information that accompanies this point is empty. It only repeats information already known to the reviewer. He will be looking for a fresh and original response. He will want to understand how the subjects that are to be taught will be applied in your professional scenario, allowing him to understand the importance of the study to you.

Undergraduate / Fostering Connections Through Communication and Leadership (GLOBAL UGRAD program) [2]

The focus of this essay is more team building related than community building. The reviewers are looking for active participants in their community. The community in this case is one where the applicant is focused on helping to improve the lives of others and elevating the status of a marginalized or low tier community to one where their community members will find their lives improved through the participation of the applicant. This essay does not follow that line of presentation, nor does it actually shows the way by which you elevate a particular community. The response to this essay should be community service based for the most part. Perhaps you can still revise the essay and provide more relevant information for the reviewer?

Undergraduate / Common App personal statement about getting over uncertainty [2]

Well, this is certainly a very personal essay. You have shown not only the development of your interest in your course major, but also your development as a person. The reviewers will definitely appreciate that you took them along on your journey of self discovery and realizations. The method by which you arrived at your college destination is an interesting one. It shows that you have developed as a person. You are no longer an aimless individual who may not finish the college course you have chosen to study. Instead, you are instilling a sense of confidence in the admissions team with regards to your ability to see the course of study to the end. I think this will be a truly informative piece of writing for the reviewers to consider.

Scholarship / Language Study Plan (Study plans to improve Korean/English language ability for gks) [3]

Please use a more formal tone for this essay response. Rather than saying that you have been interested in languages since your teen years, it would be better to focus on your desire to learn Korean due to the importance of learning the language when you become a masters degree student there. Indicate that you have long been using language apps to gain proficiency in the language. If it is possible, mention the current mastery level that you have of the language based on the app tests. Imply that you plan to formalize your language test score by taking the TOPIK prior to your arrival in Korea and you will submit the results along with your other documentation.

Undergraduate / Empowering others and helping - UGRAD sop [3]


What is the name of the support group? Is it legally recognized by your university? Can you discuss more about your leadership role as it is crucial to prove that you are an important head of the organization and will have student leadership experience to bring to your Ugrad group.


This is too simplistic a reference and does not really prove anything in terms of community leadership. I would either delete this or enhance it.


How have you helped to promote the English language as a member of this group? What sort of life changing experience did the students have that you were perhaps influential in instigating? Think about English language skills communication promotion in your community as this section could very well be the one that the reviewer will focus on when considering your application.

Letters / Outstanding academic performance - LETTER OF REFERENCE FOR UNIVERSITY ADMISSION [2]

Somehow, the letter reads like a longer version of your personal statement. That will give away the fact that the letter was not written by your professor, but by you. That will immediately disqualify your application for university admission. Keep the reference specific to only the classes that she handled with you in it. The reviewer does not need her biography either. You can use paragraphs 1,3, and 5 for the recommendation letter. Enhance those paragraphs and remove any reference that will make it sound like you wrote the letter yourself. Those paragraphs are strong enough for your recommendation already. Keep it simple and focused on what matters. Do not confuse the reviewer by presenting the professional and published background of your professor.

Graduate / PhD Program in Computer Science at George Mason University - SOP [3]

Since you are applying for admission to a PhD course, you can skip the fundamental development of your interest in Computer Science. I refer of course to your opening paragraph, which refers to your high school era. You do not need to go all the way back to that in this case. The focus should be on your college experience and work / skills development during and upon graduation. Personally, I would open the essay with an actual reference to the purpose which can be found in paragraphs 4 and 5. The later part of the essay should actually be promoted to the top of the page because that is the area of full interest to the reviewer.

Graduate / Applying for Computer Science PhD, Statement of Purpose [3]

I am not sure if you will qualify as a PhD applicant because you do not list the correct academic path for a PhD candidate. You are going from an undergraduate to a PhD certification immediately, totally cutting out the preparatory Masters studies that would have led you towards a more authentic and qualifying PhD learning path. If you are applying to a PhD program that does not require a masters course, then I guess this will be acceptable as an SOP presentation. Although, I find it weak in presentation and information even though it answers some of the expectations of the reviewer. Your research background, which is the backbone of a PhD course, is very weak in my opinion. It is almost non existent in terms of research skills for a PhD student.

Undergraduate / Global UGRAD - Eternally Loving Hearts - Young leaders committed to serving home communities [2]

This reference is good in terms of experience, but limited in exposure. Since you are being considered a leader in your community, you should have a few other community activities included that would highlight how you are capable of helping your community improve as a leader, throwing into various community building scenarios. Each scenario must show how your leadership impacted the community and helped it grow. While this activity covers all those bases, you are limited to influencing only the children. Is there any way that you might have impacted the community overall? Both young, middle aged, and old? That would help create more of an impact full image of you in relation to community engagement.

Writing Feedback / Adele - about a famous person you like. Who is this person? What is this person's job? [3]

While I understand why you admire Adele as a singer and you are in awe of her talent, I am afraid that the reasons that you provide for liking her and very superficial and do not really delve into the deep insight and self reflection that the questions are asking about. Normally, students respond to this prompt by indicating the name of someone that inspired them to get into their field of interest as a college student. They discuss the foundation of their interests and how the person actually had a hand in either changing their lives or giving them a direction in life. I learned a lot about Adele from your writing, but I do not really see how your experience with her could be considered life altering or influential. You are keeping it basic by simply discussing your enjoyment of her music and her public persona. That is not enough of a response for this sort of prompt.

Undergraduate / An efficient Data Analyst - UF Statement Intent [3]

Your response is redundant and devoid of the actual core skills that you look forward to developing as student at UF. You keep going around in circles discussing general information, when the reviewer would like to know about the specific skills that are at the core of the course you want to study that you already have a foundation for, hence your desire to build more on those skills once you attend UF. My advice is for you to write a totally new response that will directly address the core course that you are looking forward to studying, with specific reasons as to why this is, based upon your existing interests or skills in the field.

Undergraduate / UBC Activity Essay - Debate [2]

Do your best to discuss 2 activities in this essay because the reviewer is looking for the ways by which you can socially enhance the student community at UBC through school team membership. You are over discussing the backstory of your interest in Debate. Just kick it off with the fact that you are the Team President and that you have accomplished the following things for the team. Discuss what set you apart as a Debate team leader. Then transition to the 2nd activity that you have notable accomplishments or memberships in, discussing the same trend of information in the process. It is essential that you highlight your strong points both as a team member and a team leader.

Writing Feedback / Eating local food and the related environmental impacts [2]

Unlike in the past where food was mostly made and consumed locally, thanks to free trade and globalization,

This is not information that is found in the original presentation. Therefore, it should not be included in the restatement. You need to be as accurate and close to the original discussion presentation as possible. This information may be used as a part of your writer's opinion presentation instead as a part of your thesis statement. It is integral information in reference to your personal point of view so it should be included, in the right paragraph section.


This is not a relevant discussion paragraph. This may very well be the cause of your essay failing based upon an underdeveloped presentation. The next paragraph is more in line with your opinion presentation. Please remember that you are always expected to present 2 supporting reasons for your personal opinion, fully discussed and developed, with personal reference points if possible. It is not necessary to include discussions that would alter the expected discussion format. That is how the essays receive failing scores.

Letters / Motivation Letter - MSc in Integrated Brain Sciences UZH/ETH [2]

You need to strengthen your motivation to study at UZH/ETH. It is not all about your preparation or previous experiences that are relevant to the course. You should also be able to show a paralleling of your motivations / academic and professional interests with the program. The more in tune your interests are with the offerings, the better. Your motivation for the studies needs to be expanded upon. Make it sound more important. Have a personal connection with the advanced studies interest and program. Why did you choose to study in the country? Was it because of the advances they have made in the field of study? Your need to experience something that could only be gained from this university? This presentation is a good start, but can still be edited to be more concise and relevant in terms of motivational considerations.

Graduate / SOP for Master's in Electrical Engineering / ECE [2]


You can use this section to align your academic and professional goals with the university curriculum offering. You may want to consider discussing what your masters thesis focus would also be. Relating it to your previous college experience always works best as it shows your eagerness to truly develop your basic skills in an advanced manner that aligns with the university abilities.


Do not bother discussing your intention to enroll in a PhD because it does not relate to the outcome of your masters studies. You can pursue a PhD after another 5 - 10 years, after completing your masters course since your line of work is one that requires work experience for advanced studies.

I believe that your discussion regarding HFT confuses your long term goals post masters course completion. It is not really effective and only serves to lessen the impact of the previous career plan presentation.


Discuss these as they relate to your masters course interest. It need not be too long since it is not really important in the overall consideration. Your current experience presentation more than makes it evident that you are skilled enough to attend the course.


It is not necessary to do so. Since you are not sure to be styidyign under any of the professors you will be indicating, the name mention negates the strngth of your academic interest in the university. It is not really a major consideration with yoru application.


Not for your graduation, etc. That cna be seen in your documentation. You should mention a timeline for 5 years after your masters course. The career plan. Where do you see yourself within 5 years and how you plan to achieve it. Iindicate the importance of your masters course in the plans that you are developing.

Undergraduate / Father's Birkenstocks - Common App Essay [3]

You cannot write an essay that discusses more about your father rather than yourself in the presentation. The reviewer will read this and wonder what the point is for this writing. He isn't interested in your father. You did not clearly establish if you were trying to discuss your diminishing relationship with your father or what. I found myself wondering what the whole point of the drama was about. I know that you father eventually died, but then, so what? The effect on you is not clear. The Birkenstocks did not serve the purpose of signifying something about your relationship with him. That is the weakness of the presentation. You failed to establish the relationship, distress, and resolution in this essay.

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose- Bachelor of Fine Arts Graphic Design Track [3]

Everything that you have written does not lead towards a proper statement of purpose for a college degree. The purpose for your application should be related to your ambition in life. Your career goals. What sort of profession you want to pursue in the future using this degree. For example, you could state that you want to work at a major animation studio or at a notable amusement park. Art has to be something you live for. It should not be your option just because it was fun for you at the community college and you found it fun to do. That is tremendously shallow and shows an immaturity and lack of preparedness on your part to become a full degree college student. If you are not fully sold on committing yourself to Fine Arts, you will not be able to come up with a proper statement of purpose. I strongly urge you to reconsider your intention to enroll in Fine Arts at this point.

Undergraduate / Shy and awkward - UBC: Tell us about yourself [3]

You are talking about yourself with an assumption of what others might be thinking of you. The actual discussion needs to reference your character and traits from an exterior point of view. That means, you should be speaking of how others truly see you by referencing them properly in the essay and delivering an understanding that you interviewed these people for the statement presentation. You can revise the essay to actually focus on how you are viewed as a child of the family, a classmate, and a community member. You are not properly focusing your response in the presentation. You are discussing only one aspect instead of several community memberships. You are immediately discussing what you are proud of, which should only come after all your character considerations have been presented.

Writing Feedback / Does societal impact matter more than families' guidance? [2]

In my opinion, the prompt restatement is incorrect. The original prompt refers to the general development of the child within and outside the home. Your version indicates character building, which is a stand alone, rather than general reference point. So that may also be seen as an inaccuracy by the reviewer. You also used a measured response to the given topic, which is incorrect given that it is a simple full agree or disagree essay. The missing thesis reasons will also result in point deductions in the preliminary scoring results.

The overall discussion is faulty because this is referenced as a single opinion essay in the original prompt. It is a given that you will choose to defend only one side of the discussion. This is an error that stems from your measured response opinion presentation. These errors right at the very start of your discussion will have a significant impact on your score.

Research Papers / Growing Mental Health Crisis in Teenagers [2]


Please change the reference point to "mental illness among teens". The reference currently being used is incorrect. Good job on your thesis statement.


This may be deleted as it is a redundant reference to the anchor topic sentence in the paragraph. Go directly to the historical information that establishes the records of mental illness among teens from the past centuries.


This reference point is an opportunity for you to actually highlight how mental illness among teens was viewed throughout history. What sort of treatment if at all was provided? How were these kids viewed? Why? Were there any early studies in mental illness in relation to the actions of these teens during that era?

Research Papers / Green Rush: Exploring the Economic and Societal Impacts of Cannabis Legalization [2]


Each of these considerations should be given their own proper highlight in stand alone paragraphs. You cannot lump them together into one reference paragraph and hope that all of these information will come together to create a proper explanation of how these separate factors helped push the crisis forward. Further development and personal insight is required to achieve that blended understanding.


You need to inform the reader who may not be aware of how the medical marijuana law came to be in California. What were the considerations? How was it voted upon in the state legislature? Did they consider it effective? Was the law abused? What was the aftermath? Only after presenting the contextual history of the law will the rest of your presentation in this paragraph be considered properly informative.

Writing Feedback / The graph below shows the consumption of fish and some different kinds of meats in a Euro countries [2]

While the word count is acceptable at 190 words, the essay is still not well presented. The summary overview is incomplete as it does not include the type of chart provided. The generic reference to "a chart" does not earn extra points because the reader will be left confused regarding the type of chart image that was provided. This will cause deductions in the GRA scoring section. Then, the content of the image is misrepresented as when there are only 4 types of meat specified in the chart. There are no other inclusions. This created not only confusion regarding the image content, but also provided inaccurate information to the reader. This will cause deductions in the TA and C+C sections of the reporting essay. These preliminary deductions are indicative of a non passing analysis task 1 essay.

Scholarship / The Ripple of Change - From small changes to big impact - GLOBAL UGRAD essay 1 [3]

The response you have provided is not aligned with the current leadership discussion requirement of the Global UGrad program. You are expected to actually be practicing relevant and community changing leadership abilities in your field of interest or within your living community. You are speaking of future leadership ambitions and possibilities in your presentation. These indicate to the reviewer that you do not have a strong or existing leadership foundation / background in your community. Therefore, the considerations for your application, in relation to strong leadership skills and community engagement will not be seen as strong nor relevant to your application. It is important that you display remarkable community leadership skills from the start. The manner by which the reviewer should be impressed by your leadership skills and talents.

Writing Feedback / The Importance of Ethics in Society [2]

As a research outline, I would have to say that the premise of the discussion paragraphs are sound. They provide good thesis statements for each discussion point and allows room for a fully developed and established discussion and consideration of the paragraph topic. The presentations are a bit too short in my opinion. These serve only as overview statements and nothing more. These can benefit from additional information, authoritative and cited sources, as well as perhaps personal insight or examples from the writer. These are the elements that I believe are missing from the current discussion that tend to weaken the presentation. By expanding the discussion points, the presentation will become far more insightful and informative.

Scholarship / My proudest accomplishment - the Cambridge Science Competition [2]


Just indicate that this was a team event and you were the group leader. It sounds more professional that way.


Mention your strongest Science subjects to add to the believability of this claim.


What was the competition about? What experiments were conducted? What did the research report focus on?


What was the competition about? STEM is a vast field. Narrow it down to the specific focus of your competition.


Do not exaggerate. Just say you want to support STEM in your home country.


It would be better for you to not make these claims. What you believe does not matter to the reviewer. Let him decide for himself without you trying to influence his decision.

Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay - New beginning of my life [3]

I take it that this essay is meant to explain how well you have assimilated into American life. To which I say, good job! However, I find the essay wanting in reference to your family relationships in your home country and why you were easily able to leave that in exchange for an uncertain life in a strange country. You have an admirable grasp of the English vocabulary. It is almost at a native speaker level. The way that you resolved the problems in immersing yourself in the American way of life is admirable. It shows a dedication to become an American rather than an immigrant who clings to his home country ways, which often leads to unhappiness for him in his new country.

Writing Feedback / Statement of Purpose on Computer Science, PhD [3]


The reference point is not believable. A PhD student normally pursues these studies due to the continuing learning necessary for his profession. It is a natural progression depending upon your professional experience and your desire to develop skills that will further push your career forward. The idea is that you have an ultimate goal for your career that can only be achieved through PhD studies.


Talk more about the research paper that was published. Give a background. How did you conduct the research? What was the final outcome for you?

What is not clear in the discussion is the actual purpose of your studies. Delving deeper into the studies must stem from something you wish to resolve or a question you want to respond to. What is the end result that you hope to produce through these studies? The purpose for the studies must tie all of these experiences together in order to create a solid purpose for your studies.

Writing Feedback / restaurant is my favourite place! [3]

Restaurant is a general term for a location where people eat food. A restaurant can only be a favorite place of a person once he has chosen a specific cuisine, such as Italian or Chinese which is served at a specific eatery / restaurant. From there, the information that is provided regarding why this restaurant is his favorite place should stem from the flavor, serving size, service, and other considerations that normally comprise the reasons why a particular restaurant is the favorite of a person. This essay does not convince the reader that he has a favorite place because he is talking about restaurants in general. Surely there are some restaurants that he will not want to eat at so that should help him realize that a nondescript restaurant cannot be his favorite place.

Writing Feedback / Eng102 Social media and its effects on children. [2]

In the second paragraph, you should take the opportunity to discuss the sorts of mental and physical problems that over use of social media creates. Cite clear examples, use statistics, and analyze the given data to make the rest of the presentation in the paragraph solid and more believable. It is necessary to cite examples and supporting evidence whenever possible or when needed to add to the authenticity of your researched information.

I believe that this research paper can be better informed if you kick it off with the recent events in Australia where social media use was banned for children below a specified legal age for social media use. This will tie in to your concerns and the effective solutions that can be implemented.

Scholarship / A Prolonged Journey for A Genuine Passion (Indonesia Endowment Fund for Education Scholarship) [3]


Do not use revised essays for other applications. These essays are often scanned for plagiarism or submission to other programs. If you are proven to be submitting the same or similar (self plagiarized) essays, you will get an automatic disqualification. Always write a new essay for each application. You are allowed to use the same information, just not the same presentation or presentation style.


According to who? You do not need to reference a non-descript, unnamable source in this case. Simply state the 4 factors in the first person form. Show your own understanding and insight. Prove that you have the mettle to discuss far beyond just what you have been academically taught.

Undergraduate / "You write, so you exist" - KUAS Admission Essay [4]

The opening statement is out of place. That sort of introduction works better for an application to film school or creative writing classes. It is not a good opening for an environmental studies application essay. I suggest that you delete this and keep the rest of the presentation instead.

I do not understand why your responses to the guide questions are so abbreviated. What is the maximum word count? The truth is your responses are not developed enough, in my opinion, for the reviewer to actually get a good handle on why you are a good candidate for studies at the university. Your intentions are not very clear and what is even more unclear, is how the university can help you achieve these goals.

Letters / HER POV OF ME - Recommendation letter for a big scholarship [3]

You cannot use your previous teacher as a reference in this case. You are no longer considered by the committee based on your academic accomplishments and foundation. You must refer to your professional world instead. Your direct leaders and network references would work well in this case. The essay does not really come across as having been written by someone who can attest to your professional abilities in relation to the studies and how they believe you will be able to use these studies effectively in your line of work. The essay is not 90% done. It needs to be rewritten. This is solely academic in focus when you need to be more heightened in your reference point.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Erasmus-Mundus Master's program in Sustainable Design, Construction... [2]


The IELTS test is not connected with your academics. The reference to your band score is misplaced in this presentation. It is understood that you come from an English based school curriculum, there is no need to state the obvious.


What was the result?


There is no need to outline your duties and responsibilities. This is not an expanded resume presentation. Keep the later part in reference to the difficulties you encountered.


Do not restate what the program is about since the reviewer already knows this. Instead, speak of how you plan to apply the results of your studies in the workplace.


This is too common a comment made in these motivational discussions. This paragraph does not establish any content that would help move your application forward. You can delete this without any worries that the message of the essay will be affected

Undergraduate / Open-minded and empathic - UBC: Tell us about who you are. [3]

The statement sounds more like you are focused on the things that you are proud of about yourself rather than the way that your community members view you. The "proud" moment should come as a single event, at the end of the statement. You do not need to discuss your mother separately as a parent. That can be discussed as a collective opinion of who you are as a child and what they are proud of about you. With regards to your friend, I learned more about your friend than I did about how your friend views you. Remember that you should not be speaking for these people. They should be speaking for you instead. So you will have to adjust how you address yourself in the presentation. That means, opt for a secondary point of view when addressing yourself.

Undergraduate / "Detail Oriented and Dependable" - UBC application essay: Tell Us About Who You [3]

The information you provided about the secondary point of view is incomplete. Try to discuss something about a community that you are a part of. This can be a club, community organization, or a volunteer group that you work with. Develop these point of view aspects in a balanced manner that will come to the fore when you discuss what you are most proud of as a person. Keep that aspect quick and to the point. Base it on the character traits that your previous paragraphs discussed. This statement actually has a good start to it, but is too focused on what you are most proud of. The reviewer wants to know more about how you function as a member of a varied community so that he can have an idea of how you will blend in with their student community.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for PhD programme in Chemical Engineering [2]


The reviewer does not care that these programs appeal to you. What matters to him is how you see these programs helping to improve your country or your professional skills. You have to give a short summary of the reasons you will take the courses rather than giving an empty statement such as the one you made.


Expand on this important information. Where? When? Why was the conference interested in your presentation? What breakthrough or new understanding does it represent? Why should the reviewer care that you were invited to this conference to present this information?


Such as? These need to be indicated for fact checking. Whenever you present information such as conferences, seminars attended, and other similar information, expect that the reviewer will fact check these as there are plenty of applicants using fake qualifications.

Undergraduate / A resilient person - UBC Personal Profile [3]

Remove the first person reference paragraph at the start of this statement. Since it is character sensitive, you should not waste your time with redundant messaging and information. Do not use first person references throughout this essay. These points of view must come from a neutral side / second / third person point of view. This is the interview that the reviewer will be conducting of these people regarding your good moral character and conduct as a person. You should not be describing yourself in the essay. The reference to how your family describes you must be corrected in totality because you are over doing the paragraph, since you are writing from your personal point of view.

Undergraduate / VEX robot - University of Toronto Computer Science Supplemental Question [3]

Be direct to the point when writing a response essay statement with a highly limited word count. Words such as heated debate can be avoided because the outcome was a failure for your group anyway. Discuss from an after competition perspective. Explain how you became the leader of the group. Develop the discussion from there and create a semblance of team participation under your guidance. That is sorely missing in this version and makes it appear like you were a dictator in the group, not allowing the group to develop as a team, but serving only as your minions. Review the questions provided as well. You failed to answer several points because of the incorrect response development.

Letters / Motivation for PhD: Research Academic Journey [2]


Be specific about the type of research that you wish to pursue and what sort of researcher you hope to become. There are several types of research positions available depending upon the field so you may want to better focus your goals towards something the reviewer can keep in mind as he reads your paper.


Discuss your research background and history instead. Focus on the simple college thesis that you wrote, which hopefully translated into a continuing research for your masters thesis, and hopefully, will come full circle with your PhD dissertation.


What might your dissertation topic be about that motivated you to continue to study a PhD? How does it affect your professional outlook?