Undergraduate / Public relations in the music industry, entertainment leaders, work experience - Why Syracuse essay [11]

Kerry,. thank you for the clarification. Now, with regards to the new version of the statement that you wrote, I am quite confident that the response is relevant and can actually help your application. It is concise and direct to the point, without pandering to the reviewer. That is important. You refer to the merits of the school and the common goals that you share with the university, all of which translate into a student who will most likely perform well while enrolled Syracuse.

The only part of the statement that I feel on the fence about is the reference to the class that you want to take at the end of the course. I am not sure if referring to the practicum course will work in your favor instead of simply ending the statement with the second to the last line indicating:

Also, the Bandier Program's recognition aids in networking and interning. Though courses will expand my knowledge, hands-on experiences present a more realistic perspective of music communications.

I believe that you can close the statement on a far stronger note by revising that line to become your conclusion along these lines:

The Bandlier Program will allow me to delve into the world of entertainment media through its internship and networking opportunities. Through the hands-on experience presented by the study course, I will have the opportunity to graduate armed with expanded knowledge of the industry, and a more realistic perspective of music communication." Do you think concluding the statement in that manner will work for you?

Undergraduate / Honesty is what matters to me the most. Stanford University supplementary essay [3]

Ishmeet, for starters, you do not start off or mention in any essay that the opinions or ideas you will be sharing are "According to me." That is not professional nor proper. Instead, you can use the term, "In my opinion..." or "I believe that,,," or "My belief..." Those are the terms that are better used within a formal essay.

Now, with only 100 - 250 words available to you, choose only one topic to develop. Either discuss honesty , compassion or charity, whichever you truly, personally, and morally value the most. Then build your response around that idea. Keep in mind that discussing only one subject thoroughly will present a much better image of you to the reviewer than simplified discussions of three character traits. In fact, you need to offer a more personal connection through your own actions or beliefs, of whatever you value the most. These 3 virtues that you dictated in the essay seem to carry more of your opinion on the matter instead of a personal reason for your choice.

Personally, I believe that you should develop the idea of "honesty" as what you value the most in life. Honesty is something that schools look for in their students. Your discussion regarding the importance of honesty can actually be more personalized if you can revise the content of the paragraph to relate to you on a deeper level. It does not have to be a simple intellectual understanding of the term as you have now. Show and instance of honesty in your life that will explain its value to you and why it is something that matters the most to you as a person.

Undergraduate / If there was a ticket in your hand, where would you go?--Brandeis short answer :D [4]

Megan, you have only one ticket in your hand. Not seven. Review the prompt statement. You can't go to multiple places in your imagination because you only have one golden ticket to travel to a destination with and accomplish a specific task in. So if you plan to go to the headquarters of the World Health Organization, then focus your discussion just that, going to that destination.

Don't take the reviewer through the boarding process of an airplane. Use that introduction to immediately relay your response to the question. You have 250 words to work with but you don't have to complete 250 words. In my opinion, the only part of your response that you can use is:

Anxiously awaiting my flight number to be called, I reviewed the game plan. The ticket I held was one of the nine economy class plane tickets that was once a first class ticket. With this ticket, I will travel to and examine the headquarters of the World Health Organization. During my stay, I will gain support and education from the head of the agency, meet world leaders, and discuss actions that must be taken in order for my next trip to be the most effective

You can build upon that statement in a more relevant and applicable manner to the single ticket premise of the prompt. The idea is actually in need of further development, so if you avoid the pre-boarding scenes that you have in the essay, you can use the extra space to successfully build up your response based on the statement I indicated above.

Undergraduate / Share a perspective you bring or experiences you've had, Duke Short Answer [8]

Yes Olu, you can go ahead and revise the essay using the story of your cousin with the lady in the store. Just remember to be complete when you tell the story by indicating the two different reactions that you and your cousin received from the people who heard the term being used on the stranger lady :-)

By painting an accurate description of how the events unfolded and what the reactions were, the reviewer will be able to get a better sense of how this cultural trait of Nigerians offers a different take on the human experience. Most specially, the incident will help drive home your point of being able to help your classmates and friends feel like your extended family members and the benefits that such type of treatment brings to the community.

Go ahead and write the revised essay. I look forward to reading it and helping you to polish your work :-) I'll be here to help when you are ready to work on it.

Undergraduate / 'highly accomplished staff' - Why does Yale appeal to you? Yale Supplement [7]

Olu, I believe that you should focus on both the academic and extra curricular reasons that Yale appeals to you. By offering an insight into the academic appeal and the extra curricular interest that Yale has triggered within you, there is an opportunity to show the reviewer that you actually did your homework and reflected upon the possible answers to the prompt before you actually sat down to type up your response.

With only 100 words to write down the explanation, you will definitely be pressed for space. It is possible to write the essay by allotting 50 words per topic. If you can write up a revised response, without having to consider the word count, and I strongly suggest you do that, I can jump in and help you get the essay into the 100 word mark without a problem :-) Do you want to give it a try?

Graduate / If you want to cure, become a doctor : MPH application essay. [14]

Sakshi, thanks for the clarification. In response to your inquiry, since the actual, complete instructions clearly indicate a discussion along those lines, then you should leave that part of the discussion in the essay. However, you should delete the following part because it is not needed in the essay:

I am not a topper but an average student in academic grades but my experience and zest to make a mark makes me different and inspire me to progress further. I acknowledge that no path is easy and neither are there any short cuts but I am all agog to set myself on a career towards global health with more of fieldwork than merely academic papers.

You don't have to explain nor make excuses for yourself. You haven't even started attending the classes yet :-) So don't get ahead of yourself. I am sure that the professors will see the kind of hard working student you are when you finally start classes. It is always better to show them rather than to tell them :-)

Undergraduate / 'I love teaching kids' Why are you apply to a particular school of study? Rice Supplement [8]

Olu, the answer to all of your questions is a resounding yes :-) You must bring up and fully discuss all of those points. The prompt wants you to explain why you have an interest in Biosciences. These are usually related to your personal or professional experience. In your case, it would be the exposure to the Sunday School kids and the illnesses that they usually report to the school with which you end up having to deal with.

I take a research and design class. A group of me and other people did research for the Exploravision Contest over vaccines for Ebola. Would that be better to talk about?

- Yes, you can definitely do that because the solution to the Ebola epidemic lies in the way that the Biosciences can lift the veil of mystery on the virus, how it works, what chemicals it reacts to, and what chemicals and actively kill, control, and hopefully, eradicate the bacteria that causes the spread of the illness. Discuss that in the essay as best as you can.

Do not concern yourself with the word limit at the moment. I would like you to just write a complete, thorough, and informative answer to the prompt, regardless of the number of words that you have. When we have a final understanding of the important aspects of your response, we can work on rephrasing and deleting parts of the essay in order to meet the maximum word count :-)

Undergraduate / Intellectual Vitality: My mother, grandmother, and great grandmother were raised surrounded by nuns [7]

Tonya, this is one engaging and interesting vitality essay. It had all the elements of a unique essay that would lead the reviewer to come to understand more about your background, your outlook on life, and the way that you deal with people of varying beliefs from yours. You did some pretty impressive work on this essay. However, since you mentioned your mother, grandmother, and great grandmother at the start of the essay, I was wondering why no reference was made to them in the concluding part?

You must admit that the essay kind of left the reviewer with one thought as he came to the end of your essay. The question of, "So how did those relatives take to your suddenly being open minded and questioning religion all of a sudden? How did you and they deal with the sudden change in your point of view regarding religion?" I think that would have made a far more interesting discussion than just telling the reviewer what it was that you did over the next month in relation to your newfound interest in the religious debate. Maybe you can delete some parts of the original essay in order to make room for that information? It will really help to add vitality to your essay if you can manage to bring the story full circle for the reviewer.

Graduate / If you want to cure, become a doctor : MPH application essay. [14]

Sakshi, is the outline of information at the start of your personal statement really necessary? It does not really seem all that important to me since you were not able to work in that factual information into the essay. It would seem to me that if you can't use the information, then it should not be on the page at all. That is one reason why your essay is really running long.

Now, your essay can also do with an edit of the major problem that attracted you to this program, which you would want to resolve in the future, Don't try to be superwoman and discuss the problems in general. You won't be able to fix it all, Instead, pick one problem, related to your profession as an oral hygenist, and then discuss how that affects public health and therefore, needs to be resolved and you are dedicated to finding that solution.

Finally, the reference that you make at the end in relation to" I want to cement that with MPH from a renowned institution like ***(university name )******known for its interdisciplinary approach and research to address the most pressing global health issues." I reviewed the instructions you were given for writing this essay and apparently, the information contained in this portion of your conclusion, your appeal for admission to the university, is not deemed necessary and is not even being mentioned in the instructions. So take that part out and your essay will become more word limit compliant.

That said, there are still numerous grammatical issues that need to be edited in your work. However, I will refrain from pointing those out until we have come to finalize the content of your statement. Then, and only then should you bother to do the grammar proofing of your essay.

Undergraduate / 'Raised in Texas' - How did you first learn about Rice University and what motivated you to apply? [7]

Samraz, you mentioned that your parents were hounding you to attend Rice. I wish that you had expanded upon that information more than the discussion of the subject that appealed to you. The reason I would like you to expand that discussion is because you learned about Rice through your parents. So their enthusiasm to have you attend the university should be one of the major reasons that you were motivated to apply to the university. Their reasons for wanting you to apply are important and served as a vital influence in your final decision to apply for admission.

In reference to the following paragraph:

Rice University attracted me because...

It does not feel like it has the ability to close your essay in a very strong note. I would not use this concluding statement if I were you. Instead, I would opt to discuss the appeal of their school of engineering in terms of overall preparation of their students. What motivated you to apply to Rice? Expand upon the following discussion as a separate paragraph to explain the academic appeal of the university which was an additional motivation for your application:

I noticed the course ENGI 150 which integrates engineering principles with real world problems and offers students the chance to create their own personalized solutions during their first year which many universities do not offer until the third or fourth year. Further attracting me to the school was the phenomenal research of Professor Spanos about modern nanocomposites and the effect on material strength, something I look forward to engage in and contribute to.

Then discuss the faculty advisers and the student community as a separate paragraph as well.

Undergraduate / 'I love teaching kids' Why are you apply to a particular school of study? Rice Supplement [8]

Olu, I am having a hard time resolving the connection between your activities at Sunday school with your interests in biochemistry and cell biology. How exactly does this relate to your love for kids? There is a disconnection somewhere that you need to resolve. The statement, though limited in word count, requires you to make sure that you can relate all of the information in the essay. So maybe you need to change the Sunday school setting to a more involving situation wherein you were exposed to children with genetic disabilities or special needs. These in turn could bolster your claim for wanting to learn more in the aforementioned fields so that you can help these kinds of children in the future.

While I admire you for having done the research on the course curriculum of your chosen majors, the prompt would be better served by your explanation as to why you opted to study those particular majors rather than a discussion of the curricula. The prompt does, after all, ask you to explain the reasons that this particular area of study appeals to you. So your response should contain something along the lines of focusing on a particular problem, delving into research, and then contributing to the solution or control of the health problem of the child. It is not about the subjects you want to study, but rather, the way that you want to make an impact upon the field that should have attracted you to your chosen departments.

Undergraduate / Share a perspective you bring or experiences you've had, Duke Short Answer [8]

Olu, I do not see anything wrong with the topic that you chose for your response. In fact, it is quite interesting to read and really lets the reviewers have a chance to get to know not only your background, but your culture as a Nigerian as well. The reference to the way that you were raised to treat everyone like a family member is something that will resonate with the welcoming American culture. It is something that the two cultures actually share. Americans as very trusting and it is seen in the way that they welcome strangers into their homes and help them feel comfortable as newcomers to America.

However, I believe that rather than simply stating that your culture refers to older women as auntie and older men as uncle, you should instead show the reviewer an instance when you actually welcome a stranger into your family fold. Tell it as a sort of anecdote meant to emphasize the culture that you are referring to. That should help give the response a more personal slant.

Undergraduate / 'highly accomplished staff' - Why does Yale appeal to you? Yale Supplement [7]

Olu, if you want to make an impression at Yale, don't go name dropping their professors and college courses. That is the kind of information that students who don't really have a personal outlook, ambition, or desire to become part of the Yale roster of students normally falls back on. For an effective 100 word statement, you will need to find some pretty solid, personal reasons as to why a Yale education appeals to you.

Discuss what you feel makes a Yale education unique in your eyes. How do you see yourself benefiting from the Yale educational system? Have you given any thought as to how Yale can propel you to a shining career simply by being their graduate? Those are some of the considerations that can help you develop a fresh response prompt. Don't let the word limitation overcome you. Just take the time to really think about your response and how you want to state it.

Graduate / Scholarships canceled, need my possible appeal letter/reasoning reviewed :P [4]

Curtis, if the main problem that you failed to meet the academic requirements of the scholarship was the fact that you moved home in order to save money, you should be discussing the solution to that problem in your essay. It should be the central point of discussion because the reason you lost time for studying was because you were spending most of your time commuting. If you don't have the ability to address your commuting problem, then the reason you failed will not be resolved.

Regardless of all the promises that you make to academically meet the requirements of the scholarship, the reviewers will want to know mainly, about the solutions to your residence problem. If the commute will continue to take time away from your studies and tax you, then there is no academic assistance in the university that can help you make up your grades.

While the solutions you have presented are sound, you failed to address the main cause of your failure. Without a solution to that problem, the committee will not see you as a student who really wishes to keep the scholarship. Sure you have listed a number of solutions to your academic problems, but the academic problems, according to you were caused by the travel time that it took to get to your university. So you have to show them that you have found a solution to that problem along with your academic adjustments. If you say that you will continue to live at home this semester, then the review committee will not be convinced that you are serious about solving the problem. Regardless of your promises, the fact remains that your commute will always be a problem for you so you won't be able to allocate time for study, consultations, etc.

Think of the main cause of the problem, then find a solution to it. Maybe find cheaper housing near the school or something. Staying at home this semester is not going to get you the scholarship back. It will just convince the reviewers that the problem will most likely repeat itself. It isn't a very confidence building thought to leave them with.

Undergraduate / USC Supplement- I am a little concerned that the website might not be appropriate [3]

Alejandro, you don't really need to open the statement with your current opening paragraph. Your second paragraph is actually more effective and direct to the point. You can just slip in the reference to 9gag.com within that paragraph. I would have slipped it in this way:

I personally enjoy spending time on 9gag.com because it offers a enjoyable setting where I can connect with people who I share interests with.

With regards to the redundancies in the essay, since you keep on saying 9gag, you can change the reference to other words such as "the website", "the site", or simply "it". :-) Changing the reference will not affect the content of the essay. Shortening it to 2 paragraphs will also make the essay easier to read and offer the reviewer enough of an opportunity to really pay attention to what you have written and wish to convey.

Writing Feedback / List the required readings from courses during the school year - grammar check [4]

Luisa, you are thinking about the statement of instruction in a generalized manner. Thought of in standard form, you will actually end up doing exactly what you did in response to the prompt. That is not to say that the way you responded was wrong, since the prompt did not really tell you if there were any response format requirements. It simply said :

List the titles of the required readings from courses during the school year that you enjoyed most

So, since no specific instructions for the response was given, you can opt to discuss your favorite books in essay form. That means, you will indicate one book title per paragraph and then use the rest of that space to describe why that book is a favorite of yours. By writing a summarized discussion in essay form, you will be able to present the book title and your reason without having to use brackets. Just make sure that you write a good introduction, transition sentences, and closing paragraph so that the flow of the essay will be smooth and not feel like it is jumping around topics.

Undergraduate / 'to have our voices heard' - Brown supplement about existing within a community or group [5]

Karla bring up a good point Elani. You have spent too much time detailing the intricacies and activities of the Model U.N. that you forgot to represent the most important aspect of the prompt, that of explaining how and why this activity is important to you and how it helped shape the person you have become today.

If you stop discussing the essay in general terms as you are doing now and instead word it so that you can make it appear as the contribution of the activity to your development as a person, the important of the organization and how it helped shaped you will be merged into one declaration on your part. This will eliminate the need for you to come up with a longer statement and help you stay within the word count.

Undergraduate / Public relations in the music industry, entertainment leaders, work experience - Why Syracuse essay [11]

Kerry, I would not mention that you were first interested in Newhouse for your college degree. It is never a good idea to let the reviewer know that their university was a second choice for you, even if you have some pretty darn good reasons for saying so. You always have to make it sound like they were your only choice in order to strengthen your statement. Remember, first choice is always best. Second choice, doesn't really sound too good for any reason.

I found a slight grammatical error in your second paragraph so let me fill it in for you. I think what you meant to say was:

However, the notion as to why I couldn't just receive an entertainment media degree confused me

The subject of the sentence cannot be entertainment media alone as that speaks of an entire industry which a course of university study cannot grant :-)

Undergraduate / This essay matters to me. After all, it's for Stanford, the sanctuary for intellects [10]

Hiromu, "laying the foundation" means that you will prepare a person for a coming event, discussion, or action which he will have to deal with upon coming in contact with it. In this case, that means preparing him for your response to the prompt :-) I have some grammar corrections to make in your essay. Please refer to the corrections below:

The A apocalypse seemed inevitable as December 2012 approached inched ever closer. As a gullible teenager, I was fully convinced of the Mayan prophecy, my mind flashing back to the horrific scenes of massive earthquakes and tsunamis from the Hollywood movie of the same name. And y Yet, even in the midst of the despair, I persevered to find hope within myself; faced with the imminent catastrophe, I began to find virtue in gratitude, realizing that my life was full of blessings and that I was taking these miracles for granted.

... I felt at ease, knowing that I had lived a fulfilling full life. I resolved to appreciate the precious remaining days on Earth by living them to the fullest so I that can die with no regrets.

... because every day was is a blessing, I learned to seize the gift by working hard in order to make them count. I admit that embracing this virtue can be difficult sometimes, especially in times of bitter failure. But I persist to express in expressing gratitude in throughout my life, because it reminds me that I already have enough to be happy.

Just apply the corrections as indicated above and the essay will be set for use ;-)

Undergraduate / The Cross Eyed Look - 'the true value of appreciation' (commonapp on background, identity, talent..) [2]

I am not really sure what it is you are trying to tell in this essay. As far as a background story is concerned, this does not sound like it is about you. Instead, it is about that person you assisted. The focus of the essay is not clear. You need to first establish the setting, the background of what you are doing and why, then introduce this incident if you want to use it as a backgrounder. That said, you need to tell us less about the actions taking place, since this is not a creative story you are writing, but rather, discuss why this event is important to you.

Relate the events that unfolded to lessons you learned, explain how this experience helped to mold you as a person. Describe who you were before you experience this event and then tell us how this experience changed you. As a creative story, this would definitely earn you a good grade in class. As part of a common app essay series, it doesn't really do anything except confuse the reviewer because the central point of your story was never made clear. Maybe you should consider either changing the prompt or changing your story to fit the prompt instead?

Undergraduate / Pomona Supplement Essay - Human Robot and Art [6]

Caitlyn, this essay is a go. As far as I can tell, you have already covered the necessary bases and allowed yourself to properly articulate your ideas behind the class or seminar regarding "Robotic Arts". It is interesting, engaging and asks the reviewer to ponder some questions about the relevance of art and technology in a unique way. I don't think you can do any better than you already have with this work :-) It is a very good and well developed piece of writing already.

So, all that is left at this point is for you to do your final check of the essay. Review it for content, make sure you don't want to add anything more to the discussion. Proof read for any grammar mistakes or punctuation errors, and then run a spellcheck one last time, just to make sure you did not miss any misspelled words :-)

Again, the essay is ready for submission. It is as good as it can be. Your current conclusion is exactly what the essay needed in order to have a strong finish. I am glad you thought of developing that paragraph. It really strengthened the overall essay in my opinion :-) Good luck with your application. I know you can get into this program :-)

Graduate / 'I had just landed in Berlin, alone and unprepared' For HBS - Introduce Yourself. [11]

Shuhani, your response does not provide any sort of introduction of yourself to your classmate. I believe that you are talking of yourself in future form in this essay while you should be introducing yourself to your classmate in present and immediate past form. Who are you, where did you come from? What are your interests? What led you to this course? What do you hope to learn in this class? How do you make friends? What can you do to help people feel comfortable around you and vice versa? Those are some of the topics that you should be presenting in the essay.

In response to your question, no, I would not be interested to sit next to someone in class who can't introduce himself properly to me. I don't even know and understand who you are at the moment and you expect me to give you my friendship and consideration as a classmate because you can talk about who you imagine yourself to be in the future? It doesn't work that way. First let me get to know you from your past and present. Then we can talk about being friends in the future :-)

You have to deliver the specifics of the prompt requirements. Don't discuss something that is not required nor relevant to the instruction. If you want your classmates to want to get to know you or sit next to you in class, then you have to give them current information that they may be able to relate to in terms of shared interests or career ideas. Don't jump so far into the future that nobody has an idea where you came from so they can't understand why your future would be such.

Writing Feedback / Technique of using ICT for young learner [3]

Information and communication technology or ICT , are a combination of the hardware and software designed to implement information processes, through the utilization of the computers and network technologies. Technology can also be an effective media TOOL for teachers to get referenceS for their learning. There are two techniques for teachers using ICT to teach English for TO young learnerS.

The first technique is illustrative. The illustrative METHOD could BE enhanceD by using multimedia, such as video, audio, or pictureS. Because when teacher use WHEN A TEACHER USES multimedia, the student will BE attracted to notice the lesson and they more easily to get the information WILL EASILY UNDERSTAND THE INFORMATION, because they will remember BY RECALLING the picture or the sound.

The second technique is perceptive. Perceptive PERCEPTION is THE ability to understand WHAT a student needs and IS interestED IN. Because t TeacherS has HAVE to understand what their student interestS ARE BECAUSE , it will BE more helpful for THE teacher to give a RELEVANT materialS TO THE STUDENT. Such as if IF the student likes a stories, THE teacher can play a digital story. By playing a digital story , THE student will BE attracted to listen to the story, it also useful to improve IN IMPROVING their listening skill.

From those techniques, WE CAN GATHER that ICT is useful for teachers to teach IN TEACHING their student.

Undergraduate / This essay matters to me. After all, it's for Stanford, the sanctuary for intellects [10]

Hiromu, try to create a better opening for the statement. Start it off with something that will tell the reviewer about what he is going to be reading in the response. I would have started off the essay this way:

As the end of December 2012 loomed over me, I could not help but think back to the Hollywood movie "2012" and the actual Mayan calendar that movie was based on. It was during this time of fretting, worry, and uncertainty that I came to realize what was most important to me. I valued my life and what had become of it so far...

By creating an interesting opening statement that eases the reviewer into the essay, you will be able to successfully lay the foundation for the discussion while also offering an immediate insight into the kind of person that you are. I know that there is a word limitation to the response but at this point, you need to start writing longer and then editing it to become shorter. Don't limit your response just yet. If you do that, it will be difficult to tailor your response to the impressive requirements of the given prompt. So write long, then I'll help you bring it down in word count :-)

Undergraduate / Wesleyan Supplement - practical value of a liberal arts education - [4]

Shuto, using "Because" to start each reason that you present makes the essay repetitive and makes you sound like you are complaining instead of offering a valid reason for why Jennifer was promoted instead of your uncle. My advice, is that you should change all of the "because" sentences to a more conversational tone. That way you manage to present a more professional take as to the reasons for her promotion.

Remember that in this kind of essay, the tone of your writing represents your tone of voice. Therefore, if you want to be taken seriously as an adult and responsible student, use a more academic and professional tone while writing. The rest of the essay that you wrote does tie in very well with the prompt requirements so I don't feel a need to change the content. However, there will be a need to revise the grammar of your essay after you edit the reasons why Jeniffer proved to be a better manager than your uncle.

Graduate / In 250-500 words indicate your expected career track - Master of Financial Economics Essay [2]

Shiyun, reconsider the way that you delivered the following statement:

From a current student of MSFE, I learned that as an accounting major student, I can take the Exemption Exam for Accounting and change the course of Accounting into Asset Management. The flexibility of choosing the courses to enroll in can help me enrich myself with the knowledge I need most.

Try to make this seem more like information that you came across normally by instead indicting something like this:

I plan on taking the Exemption Exam for Accounting so that I can eventually redirect my course from Accounting to Asset Management which is more along my professional inclinations. The flexibility...

Also, make sure to indicate a course of action that will cover a specific period of time so that you will be better attuned to the career track expectations. When a person is asked to present his career track, it is like taking a train, you need to have a schedule that you plan on keeping to in order to reach your destination or, in this case, your career goal.

Undergraduate / Council of Aid for Central Asian Jews day camp - Vassar supplement on extracurricular experience [2]

Diana, I am not sure why you are discussing isolation at the end of your essay when the lesson that I came away with from reading your essay had more to do with the importance of having family that one can connect to in order to survive in a world far different from what they are used to. While I can understand why you would feel isolated in the place, the description and early discussion of your essay did not build towards that conclusion or discussion in your statement.

When you mention safe spaces, why don't you related it instead to the lessons that you learned from these Russian Jewish families that are most likely seeking refuge from persecution in their homeland? Talk about how isolation affected them and why you came to learn the importance of safe spaces in relation to their situation. With America on the brink of accepting Syrian immigrants, discussing the lessons that you learned from that interaction just might work to your benefit in this instance.

Try to deliver a positive lesson that you could have gleaned from the experience. Right now, the lesson you are discussing seems to be coming from a negative place. Your conclusion also needs to be clarified. What is the connection of your behavior in high school to this experience?

Scholarship / Short and long-term goals priorities in my life; college degree [3]

Amanda, try to be more course specific regarding your goals over the next 12 months. When you say that you have a plan to finish the term with a specific GPA in mind, explain to the reviewer how you plan to do that. Include a discussion or description of the student study assistance programs or groups at the university that you plan to utilize during this time in order to achieve your goal. Make sure to indicate that this is your short term goal for every semester you attend the university.

With regards to your long term goals, don't just make graduation the focal point. Try to develop graduation objective for yourself. For example, explain how you plan to begin research or a project in your specific field of major that you hope to set up prior to graduating with the long term goal of continuing the research or its implementation after you complete a masters degree or maybe through your work at a particular company. Your long term goals are open for discussion. Mentioning the fact that you want to work at Google and some other tech related company was a nice touch. Try to develop that idea a bit more in order to give your future plans more direction and weight.

At the moment, your plans are too immediate and do not really reflect on your potential as a student and future professional. Try to think forward to those moments and use your newly developed ideas to enhance the content of your essay.

Undergraduate / This essay is for my Duke application and I was wondering if it would be considered good. Im tryna [4]

Mahlet, don't submit this essay today. It still needs more work before it can even be close to submission ready. Your essay is very superficial in consideration, doesn't really show any commonalities between your academic goals or interests and the course curriculum or mission and objectives of the Duke University. All of which are components that should have been part and parcel of your response to the prompt.

When you tell the reviewer that you were attracted to the university by a simple pamphlet, that shows a lack of interest in the true academic integrity or educational beliefs of the institution. At the moment, you don't share anything of value with the university within your statement. It would be in your application's best interest if you tried to do a little background check on the more serious reasons that Duke would be a good educational match for you. Anything from an interest in particular courses, to a specific professor you hope to learn from would be acceptable responses.

The idea behind the prompt is to show that you know what Duke stands for, you have a real interest in their academic offerings, and you will be able to benefit from the educational standards and programs that they offer. Try to create the connection regarding the "perfect match" concept that the prompt is asking you to discuss.

Scholarship / 2D and 3D in the gaming industry - scholarship essay on goals and contributions [7]

Daniel, in this new paragraph, you need to develop the idea of your leadership skills a bit more in relation to your civic duties. Instead of simply mentioning that you applied the team building skills that you learned in your design classes, try to discuss actual applications in the civic setting. For example, when you say:

I collaborated with others have been invaluable for my position in [ORG]. When the president was not available, I would step in and lead the other members as to what to do and sometimes managed the event. This made me an effective vice president in the organization.

Present actual instances of this collaboration and discuss how it helped contribute to the goals or betterment of the activity the team was engaged in. Remember, you need to justify every statement that you make with supporting evidence. So a simple mention, without clarification or examples just won't do.

Now, after you work on the revision of that paragraph, please post the complete essay here so that we can get a full understanding of what the essay content is and how it was presented so we can offer our final suggestions and comments in preparation for the submission of your response.

Undergraduate / I have gained many experiences that have influenced me and my intellectual development; Stanford [6]

Michelle, the response that you wrote is very cookie cutter and will not be differentiated from the other intellectual vitality essays that will be submitted. It is forgettable. An intellectual vitality essay looks for an interesting story that you can tell about a certain aspect of your personality, trait, or something that you learned from a unique experience in your life. I only get that that from your essay in general terms. You have to try and be a bit more specific.

For example, maybe during a trip to Japan, you decided to learn one of the many regional languages of Japan in order to help you better converse with them. Discuss how that affected your life and your understanding of how language affects the relationship of people. Talk about a time during the trip when learning the language came in handy and helped you realize that. It is stories such as those which the reviewer is looking to read about. It is not about simply describing how your travels affected you or opened your eyes. You need to present a specific instance and discuss it in an engaging and enlightening manner as well. So don't tell the reviewer, show the reviewer your intellectual vitality :-)

Undergraduate / Transformation is not just a change. Change is often reversible - UG Essay on transition to an adult [2]

Drumil, this is a very unique take on the informal transition to adulthood on your part. It is something that tells the reviewer that you more than ready for college and are most likely capable of handling more responsibility than one would normally think that a person of your age can handle. The fact that there was real interaction between your father and yourself clearly indicates that moment of transition and the trust plus additional responsibility that he was now placing upon your shoulders. Good work!

However, the story is marred by the inclusion of the reference to the Model UN that you participated in. It removes the focus and blurs the actual transition story that is most effective in your essay. If you would just remove that part and just concentrate on reviewing, editing, and revising the story of your internship and how your father came to acknowledge you as an equal in the workplace, that would have a far greater effect upon the reviewer than suddenly inserting the UN story. Try to find another situation at the office where you can display and explanation of your newly found business management skills. That will be more effective in the essay rather than using a totally unrelated event such as the UN meeting, in describing those skills.

Undergraduate / At Colgate we strive to foster an inclusive community; supplement 250 words or less common app essay [7]

El, you have a strong fascination with constantly describing your origins as a Berber in your essays. I have to tell you that by constantly doing so, you will end up doing only one thing, irritating the reviewer because of the constant reminder and explanation of your background which may or may not have anything to do with the question being asked. Don't keep on explaining where your race comes from. You already explained it in one essay, do not keep repeating it. Any reviewer will tell you that repeated information does not help your essay. Always strive for originality.

In this instance, after you mention that people ask you about whether you really are a Berber, just say that you often have to prove it to them by doing something unique to your culture. Now, all school value their Honor Codes. This is the ability of their student to always do the right thing, specifically, they do not cheat, steal, nor endanger their classmates. I found that your story specifically relates to the Honor Code as most universities apply it. Therefore, rather than just saying that Berber's are truthful and never lie, tell the reviewer that as a Berber, your culture's sense of honor is one that always guides you towards doing the right thing. Then tell the story of the debate competition. That revision in content and word choice should bring your essay together in a far more interesting and highlight your pivotal action moment for the reviewer.

Undergraduate / All my life I have been taught to ask why, to question, to explore - "WHY BROWN?" Supplement essay [5]

Elani, your essay has improved. However, I believe that there is an addition to the statement that you can make which would better explain why you chose to attend Brown prior to your presentation of your personal reasons. You can actually quote Francis Wayland, who said that a Brown student should have the freedom to "study what he chose, all that he chose, and nothing but what he chose."

If you can work that statement into the beginning of your response, your statement may carry more weight and a more insightful connection with your personal reasons. I see your response going along the following lines:

Francis Wayland once said that a typical student at the university would ""study what he chose, all that he chose, and nothing but what he chose." His ideology for learning is what drew me to Brown University. I will have the opportunity to choose the path less traveled and chart the broadest intellectual journey possible. Brown is a university that will encourage me to go beyond what is expected; to keep asking why, questioning, and exploring for the sake of knowledge so I can become the best version of myself during my lifetime.

(93 words)

If you like the statement that I developed for you, then you can use this already. Otherwise, develop your new response along these lines and sentiment in order to create a more impressive response to the prompt :-)

Undergraduate / Moroccan citizen willing to serve those less fortunate - transition from childhood to adulthood [4]

Amine, the first thing that I would do in the essay is change the current opening statement. I feel that the essay starts off better if the paragraph opens the essay with the following statement:

Ifrane is a very wealthy city perched on the rocky hillside of the Middle Atlas Mountains in Morocco.

That paragraph already gives 2 pieces of important information in your essay. The first is the background of your social status and the second, is how you led your life as a part of this society, in a more interesting manner.

I would not change anything about your realization about the economic disparity that exists in Morocco. It allows the reviewer to see you as a young person who is socially conscious and willing to do whatever it takes to help those less fortunate in your country. Why don't you try to revise the essay with something that you have in mind and show it to me here. That way I can tell you if it improved your essay or not. If not, then we will work on developing the content some more :-)

Undergraduate / Brandeis supplement for internationals. What can you bring to the community of Brandeis [2]

El, notice that I removed a portion of the essay with this edit that I am presenting to you. The reason I want you to pay attention to that is because you need to add some information about how making the Brandeis community familiar with the Berbers of Morocco will be something that the student body can benefit from. Think about how you can do that. What can your culture and traditions teach the people in other parts of the world? How would you showcase the best of being a Berber in a community where nothing is known about it and the information might be met with a slight distrust or disbelief?

Undergraduate / I have realized the importance of communication. Stanford Essay - Intellectual Vitality [4]

Mohib, I believe that between the two scenarios you presented, the one that you should develop more would be the story about the orphanage because it offers more opportunities for you to show how communication works among people of different ages, languages, interests, and backgrounds. If you develop the story further, you can make that effect quite clear and impressive in the response.

While the story of your father is interesting, it is all about communication on a personal level. As such, it does not require you to exert too much effort when it comes to making yourself understood. In as much as your father was emotionally closed off from you at first, it is a given that he would have eventually opened up to you because of your blood relation. That is something that does not exist in the orphanage so getting the child to open up to you in that scenario is definitely far more impressive and truly showcases the vitality of your intellect.

So, my advice is, develop the orphanage communication story and totally delete the part about your father so that you will have the additional word count with which to properly develop the orphanage communication story.

Graduate / Here is my essay for Carey Business school of John Hopkins. I need your advices. [5]

Well. the prompt is not specific to just the course you want to take. According to the prompt:The example you provide and elaborate upon may come from your professional endeavors, academic pursuits or civic engagements. So if you consider the badminton story, it falls under your civic engagements since it is an extra curricular activity. It is still an acceptable topic for the prompt.

In all honesty, the reason that I would like you to use badminton is because of the vast array of leadership abilities that it will allow you to showcase in your essay. It is a civic participation that builds upon your qualities as a born leader and allows you to conceptualize strategies for winning in tournaments, inspiring your teammates, and allows you to create an opportunity for your team or pursuit to come out on top. However, if you feel that you would rather work with the more academic and professional aspect of the prompt, then I will work with you on that too :-)

Undergraduate / Moroccan citizen willing to serve those less fortunate - transition from childhood to adulthood [4]

Amine, this is not a transition story, this is a background story. When you speak of the transition story, it has to relate to either an experience, a ritual, or a tradition within your community that signifies your coming of age either through accomplishing a difficult task, participating in a coming of age ritual like catching your first fish on a fishing trip with your father, or receiving a family heirloom that signifies your becoming an adult, even the addition of some adult duties and responsibilities that you your family or community did not entrust you with previously. There is no sense of that anywhere in this essay. However, it does provide information about your background that tells the reviewer something about you that you most likely were not able to present in your other application essays.

Compare the requirements of the transition prompt with the background prompt and you will see that all you have to do to make this essay work for you is to use a different prompt. The transition essay requires the following:

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

The background essay on the other hand indicates:

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Now, review the essay that you wrote, keeping in mind the requirements of each essay prompt. The correct prompt to use with the essay that you wrote becomes quite obvious when you do a comparison of the two don't you think? Now, if you decide to change the prompt to the proper one, we can work on editing the essay for word count and final form already :-) I'll await your decision.

Undergraduate / I have realized the importance of communication. Stanford Essay - Intellectual Vitality [4]

Mohib, you certainly came up with a very unique essay about your interest in communication and what you life experiences have taught you about its importance. This is the kind of essay that accurately showcases your intellectual vitality and your ability to connect two seemingly random activities in your life that, at first glance, does not really seem to have any connection with one another. I mean, volunteering at an orphanage and then talking about your father's depression? Definitely no way those two ends should meet right? Yet you managed to do exactly that in what seems to be an almost effortless manner :-)

Excellent work! Just a word of advice though, if your word count will still allow it, could you describe how you got Hasan to open up to you? Also, let us know if these two people were somehow influenced by your gift of communication. Did they become more open to talking to other people and sharing information about themselves? I think it would be good to add something like that to the essay since you are trying to point out that communication works in various ways. So if you can show how these two people learned to communicate in their own unique way with those around them, it will further help to drive your point home :-)