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Posts by dumi
Joined: Oct 4, 2010		 Last Post: Sep 10, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 6793  
From: Sri Lanka

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dumi   
Aug 26, 2012
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Successful sport professionals and providing high salaries for them [3]

People would succeed in their life if they choose their profession based on their interest and skills.

-------------- i did that inclusion because it is one of the main factors contributing to your topic.Good entrance anyways.... :)

In any nation people are employed in many areas and salary for these professionals is decided upon many factors responsible for attaining such position.

I find this sentence is too long and loosely connecting your ideas .... it is not up to the level you display in your writing skills, you write very well :)

Many people hold the opinion that there is nothing wrong that sports professionalsearn a great deal of money, as these they have to overcome heavy competition among the society to reach a such professional stagestatus .

By considering all these factors, I would like to conclude that it is very important to encourage professionals who work for the nation, by providing high salaries for them.

----------- your conclusion seems to be too short and slightly deviated from the topic. The topic is about sports professionals earning more than other professionals. Better if you can establish a link to your topic and give your opinion. For example;

In conclusion, I do not disagree with the idea that the sport professionals deserve their income because they need to strive really hard in their journey towards success. However, I am also of the opinion that other professionals whose contribution is invaluable to the betterment of the nation, should be given due recognition in the society. Therefore these professionals too should be provided with good salaries for their services to the nation.
dumi   
Aug 25, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'leading, making quick decisions, patiently helping others' - A good leader [4]

For example a good leader is good at logical reasoning, amaking quick decisionsmaker , and being patient.

Although there are other characteristics such as having good mannersbeing an excellent communicator, well mannered person with effective people skills , good public communication skillbut these features aren't as necessary andI believe former are the most importantas three characteristics I mentionedfor a good leader.

Following essay is written on the same topic... You can have a look at the essay and the comments provided for it;

good luck! :)
dumi   
Aug 25, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS;High sales are due to requirements, not because of power of advertisements [8]

You display excellent writing skills... good vocabulary. I have a few suggestions for you ;

I feel it is good to state clearly what is your opinion on the debated topic in the introduction itself. It takes your reader in your desired direction.

Also, this type of tasks expect you to support your arguments with real examples. So provide an example for each and every reason in your body paras. That'll earn you more marks for sure. For example, your second body para emphasizes the importance of reaching out to the public on a new product. So give an example of an instance where some product failed without aggressive advertising; Or a situation where a company could have had more sales had they reached out to the public more effectively.

Overall, you have done a good job... good points, good language, good presentation... So GOOD LUCK :)
dumi   
Aug 24, 2012
Writing Feedback / Benefits from Extracurricular Activities [4]

Sports not only helps one to have a great physique but also a healthy living which is free from many ailments and deceases.

Hey.... I've done a small mistake, a typo, above.... Sorry :D
dumi   
Aug 24, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL IBT - Do televisions or movies infuence our behavior? [6]

First, people tend to repeat automatically what they always see, especially forthe children.

It's very natural because we learned by repeating things we saw without understanding when we were young.

You talk about imprinting which means that a young animal/human acquires several of its behavioral characteristics from its parent. In child development, this term is used to refer to the process by which a baby learns who its mother and father are. This process ibegins while the child in the womb, when the unborn baby starts to recognize its parents' voices. :)

times to times

many violence casesincidents of violence

In the UK

You write very well... You can easily go for a flying score :)
dumi   
Aug 24, 2012
Writing Feedback / Benefits from Extracurricular Activities [4]

First of all, you will learn how to manage your schedule in a more organized and useful waymanner.

Sports can beare one of those activities which not only build and maintain your toned body, but also give you a healthy living.

... I suggest;
Sports not only helps one to have a great physique but also a healthy living which is free from many ailments and deceases.

Next, you will be able tothey help you improve your personality and social skills from participating in various societies, especailly teaching you the value of becoming a good team player.

Besides,Further, extracurricular activities train you are supposed to adjustto adapt yourself to ain new gangenvironments and cliquesin order to make new friends and build a further relationship for the future network help enhancing your networking ability

Good job :)
dumi   
Aug 24, 2012
Writing Feedback / job satisfaction; employees feel more satisfied if their hard work is recognized [6]

In today's competitive world, the dream of every individual is to acquirefind a good job and to attain high standards in their fieldto reach its heights .

To achieve their dreamsthis dream they endure many difficulties and hardships that come across their life from their childhood onwards.

Almost every individual will have many expectations about their career as professional job holder.

this sentence does not add much value :(
dumi   
Aug 24, 2012
Writing Feedback / Cook meal at home or go out for a dinner [4]

I think both options have their own advantages and disadvantageous.

This sounds like a direct answer to your essay topic. I dont say it is wrong, but in an essay you need to display a bit of creativity. So, try and improve this sentence to give a very catchy entrance to your essay that would arouse the reader's interest. :)

An outdoor dinner in a cosy ambience would be a lovely idea. At the same time, a home cooked dinner too has its own merits.
dumi   
Aug 24, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'When becoming a professional person' - ielts [6]

Firstly,bB orn talents are an very important advantage for any kid when he or she going to train itthat can be further fine tuned by training. Also for kids, its easy to choose the path in theretheir young age . (this sentence does not establish a clear link to your idea.... try and improve it to organize your flow better) Today's world havehas great sports personalitiesand musicians(you dont give examples for musicians in this sentence, therefore dont include it here) such as Roger Fedrer , Husan bolt who achieved this success in there career because of they are blessed with such natural gifted ability . ThefF ields like music is very important to havealso demands natural talent rather than training, eE specially for the vocalist .AR Rahuman is the one of grate musicians who became a legend in his field because of his natural talent (but he is not a vocalist, talk about someone like Latha Mangeskar or Celine Dion) .

Pay attention to the essay structure. In this type of tasks, the following structure (with minimum four paras )is generally recommended and I strongly believe it would help you earn marks.
dumi   
Aug 9, 2012
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] finding traces of the past - Does past pass values on our present lives? [2]

History has kept records of a wide array of things and events, no matter good or bad, positive or negative

beautiful start :)

Indeed, oftentimes we have to make decisions or judgments onwhether an incidents whether they areis right or wrong, based on our knowledge about what happened in the past.

---------- i feel it is better to keep it plural; that reads well :)

Therefore, there is no denying that the past has a great influence on our present livesand future .

Beautiful introduction... Good vocabulary, Logically presented ideas.... I enjoyed reading the intro :)
dumi   
Aug 9, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'rising cities and living in them' - essay [5]

Hi Darya,

You have no problem with your writing skills; your sentences are well constructed with quality vocabulary. But you need to pay attention to the essay structure that earns you marks. I recommend the following structure for IELTS and TOEFL candidates;

First Para (Introductory Para) - Introduce your topic to the reader briefly. If it is an argument type of an essay, state on which side of the argument you are; that is whether you agree/ disagree/ or both agree and disagree in a certain way. If it is not and something like this one, then briefly mention the reasons that you are going to talk about in the body of the essay.

Second Para - This is your first body para in which you need to tell the reader one reason why you hold your view on the argument. Then support the reason with an example. In this case(which is not argumentative type) , you can say that people choose to live in large cities because they provide more job opportunities and then elaborate the ideas how the city should be designed to accommodate and facilitate such large work force. Give an example to support this idea. For example, talk about the difficulties that people would undergo if the city (better you specifically name this city) provide enough sanitary facilities, or road infrastructure.

Third Para - tell the reader another reason why you hold your view on the argument. In this case(which is not argumentative type) , you can say that a city should be divided into several sections to have a better organization of its facilities... support this with another example

Fourth Para - Write your conclusion. Say every thing you said above very briefly.

Hope this structure would help you. GOOD LUCK!
dumi   
Aug 9, 2012
Letters / 'Born in Sri Lanka' - About Me (essay for an Application Form) [5]

Start a new para with this because there you are going to talk about your hardships and the tough background you grew up...Add a few more sentences to make it more effective in arousing emotions :)

This is my suggestion for the entire para;
I grew up in a refugee camp with my parents because our village did not provide us safe living due to constant attacks aimed at it by the terrorists. As refugees we were surrounded only by the fear, hardships, pain and helplessness. However, for one reason, I do not regret sacrificing my tender years at the refugee camp that took my childish world off from me and deprived me of enjoying a normal childhood. This reason is that this background, in a way helped nurture my personality to be strong. It taught me endurance; sharing and caring; confidence and determination. Therefore, I continued my walk with the hope of reaching my d,ream and ignored all the obstacles that were on my way.

Then talk about your experience in the other para.... :)
dumi   
Aug 8, 2012
Letters / 'Born in Sri Lanka' - About Me (essay for an Application Form) [5]

Hi Malhardeen,
Glad to meet you in this forum.... I'm too from Sri Lanka :D

I am Malhardeen, Bb orn onin 1993 in a war torn area of Sri L anka during the period in which the country was burning with flames of on going civil war.(make a stop here) , I Studiedbegan my studies in a small school in my village schoolwhich had very limited facilities. However, thanks to the island-wide scholarship examination for the grade five students, that is held by the government in view of supporting meritorious students to aspire their academic dreams, I managed to secure admission to a more reputed college in the city with my outstanding performance at the examination.andafter I passed the scholarship exam in grade five, I got an admission in a City school I continued my Ss tudies successfully and there, and I have completed mythe Advanced Level examination in Mathematical stream in another school . ( talking about the third school seems too descriptive)

dumi   
Aug 8, 2012
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Small town vs. Big city (opportunities, entertainment, job places) [8]

In a few years I will finish my studying in the university and I will have to decide whether to live in a small town or a big city.

This sentence does not have major grammar errors.... However it does not provide a strong opening for your essay... Finishing your studies and choosing a city to live seems to have a poor correlation. When you finish studies, you would want to do a job and this job would demand you to choose a place for living... I think you have omitted the most important link.... :)
dumi   
Jul 28, 2012
Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing]: Urban development, should old building and houses be taken down ? [6]

Old buildings are now becoming a source of concern to many people due to the safety reasons.

------- this is a good sentence and you have nicely presented it, but my only issue is that safety is not the only reason why old buildings being removed. Development of modern urban cities, especially the road and other infrastructural systems demands the removal of some buildings.

should be takendownaway .

On another hand, there are people who believe in the intrinsic value of old houses and buildings, thus they must be kept intact.

----- well written :)
dumi   
Jul 27, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'experience more' - Living in a big city is better than a small city [4]

You have written the entire paragraph by one sentence :)
This makes the reader to remember too many things as he proceeds to read and for sure, he wouldn't like it :D
Break up it to a few sentences. Then the reader would find it easy to read and more interesting :)
dumi   
Jul 26, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay," Is daily homework necessary..?" [3]

We all run away from homework. No one likes it

This seems to be too much generalized. Say it differently;

Homework is usually not favored by the students as it disturbs their free time.

because it teaches students to be a responsible person in their life .

dumi   
Jul 26, 2012
Writing Feedback / Toefl - 'a more convenient life in a city'? [5]

It's my pleasure helping you dear Wang. I learn that you practice for TOEFL and I can say confidently this is good place for it. I too joined the forum while I was preparing for TOEFL. Keep posting your essays to the forum for feed backs and also read other's essays together with the comments provided for them.

:)
dumi   
Jul 21, 2012
Writing Feedback / Toefl - 'a more convenient life in a city'? [5]

There are undeniable advantages one would have by living into both life in a big city and in a small town.

The former offers more excitement and convenience while the latter offers a cleaner, quieter and often friendlier place to live.

------------- very good sentence : )

However, despite the advantages oflife in small town life , I prefer to live in a big city for several reasons.

Good introduction to the topic :)
dumi   
Jul 21, 2012
Letters / 'one of the best performing engineers' - Letter of Recommendation from my mentor [3]

have known Bapuni since 2008 (no comma) when he began his career at "Company name".

I mentored and monitored Bapuni during the course of 2.5 years that he spent in thisthe two and half year period of this project.

Bapuni was selected to our project after rigorous selection process based on series of tests and interviews, where he stood out amongthe crowdother candidates by securing the highest score in written test.

His ability to quickly understand the issue at hand and the complexities involved was outstanding.

Prefer if you say this a bit differently:
He showed an outstanding talent in understanding the issue and its complexities very fast.
dumi   
Jul 19, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: A teacher's ability to relate well with students is more important than ... [4]

The teacher's ability to relate well with students can be useful when it focus on the course.

------- your idea is not clear to the reader. What do you mean?

And in both sides -teacher-student- mustbehave some special qualities

teacher must be prepared in major of his topics and students must be eager, interested and responsible on classes.

---------------- this too lacks clarity
dumi   
Jul 19, 2012
Writing Feedback / IBT 'the best epoch in everyones life' - college time [5]

In my view my colled ge years waswere the best time in my life because ofdue to serveral respectsreasons. [quote=ramtinms]

I learnt lots of social skills synchronoustogether with academic lessons. [/quote]
dumi   
Jul 19, 2012
Letters / You rent a house through an agency. The heating system has stopped working - letter [3]

Since my son is quite young. He needs a comfortable environment and you know that these days are quite cool. We are felling uncomfortable because the heating system is out of order.

First tell him the purpose of writing this letter and then give him reasons why he should give priority to attend to your need. For example;

I am writing this letter to inform you that the heating system is out of order. This problem has become a serious issue which is further aggravated by the cold weather during these days. My son who is still a toddler is very much disturbed by this condition and falling sick frequently.
dumi   
Jul 19, 2012
Undergraduate / A Bloomfield College Admissions Self Recommendation [5]

This is a beautiful quote Deepak : )

I want to set an example and pave the way for my younger brothers and sisterssiblings .

( better to concentrate on your own aspiration and goals)

I agree with Deepak : )

Because I know what its like to struggle and through it all I am grateful for all the thing god has given me.

I prefer if you say this differently in order to have a better alignment with your prompt;
The hardships that I had and still have, in a way, helped me mature as a responsible person with more endurance, perceverance and determination. Therefore I am not only determined to pursue my dream career despite of all the obstacles on my way, but also determined to make my family's future brighter.
dumi   
Jul 18, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'houses on another planet' - Should humans attempt to colonize space ? [8]

From a scientific of view,space exploration is considered as an effective responsesolution for developing viable modes of livingsetting up human colonies .

Firstly ,the earth has a limited number of resources such as space,water ,clean air,fossil fuels that arewill be quickly depleted byas a result of rapidly growing world population.

dumi   
Jul 17, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'Living in this generation' - [TOEFL essay] [3]

Living in this generation, it is really hard to imagine what life was like decades ago.

good start : )

Since theThe world has changed a lot during this time and it is still changing day by day.

TheAs the world changes, and people's lifestyle and values are also differentdiffer from the past.

So there is a debate abouton whether grandparents' suggestions are suitable in today's society.
dumi   
Jul 17, 2012
Writing Feedback / Influenced by past achievements - To take up any field, inspiration is must. [4]

To take up any field, inspiration is a must.

For example, the invention of more sophisticated automobiles we have today which were developed after the invention of a wheel.

In addition,to this sometimes the discrepancies in the past achievements instill curiosity among people leadingand pave the way to the development of remarkable theories

As an exampleto this we have the most popular Einstein's theory of relativity which was formulated due to the discrepancies in the classical theory of physics.

dumi   
Jul 17, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'Divorce' - Cause and effect essay on divorce [3]

I know that financial problems and the stress of having two young children did not help with their marriage problems.

Even to this day he still lives

"even to this day" makes "still" redundant : )

they were no longer happy and fought all the timethat caused frequent arguments and fights .

Each parenthashad different reasons for their divorce, but I personally think that they got married young and they were growing into two different people.

This a confusing statement. Your idea is not clear to the reader. You mean to say, these problems fueled their issues further?
dumi   
Jul 17, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELT essay - causes and solutions for poor work-life balance [6]

Basically, I believe the increasing competition in today's world is responsible for the poor work-life balance of the working class.

This seems too short for an intro. You should have a opening statement that introduces the topic to the reader.

First of all, the rising unemployment rate has made acquiring a job rather difficult in recent years. As a result, job security becomes a priority for those in work. This means employees are, in effect, in a disadvantaged position when they are in conflict with their employers, and have to accept any workload assigned to them or they could easily be replaced by another equally skilled person who is eagerly waiting to be employed. Indeed, it is not uncommon for workers to be asked to work overtime but without being adequately payed and withoutleaving room for any complaint expressed.

You display excellent writing skills and have presented your ideas well in this 1st body para. I only wish that you include one or two sentences to link your reason with the topic which further convince your argument to the reader. For example;

Such situations may impose a lot of stress on workers and affect their work life negatively.

You write so well. GOOD LUCK!

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