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Posts by dumi
Joined: Oct 4, 2010		 Last Post: Sep 10, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 6793  
From: Sri Lanka

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dumi   
Jul 16, 2012
Undergraduate / 'My close friend' - describing a person who made a great influence in my life [4]

Life is full of successes and failures. It sounds better to me.

I too feel this suggestion sounds better

My close friend, Nicky is the most important person in my life, because she haswhose influence transformed me from a stubborn person into a very flexible personcharacter and shownme how to be patient for the potential life.

dumi   
Jul 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / Which do you prefer? Being leader of group or just a simple group member. [3]

For being successful,a group to be successful, it needs to have members who knowvalue the spirit of teamwork. ALl eader should manage and leadthe team and other members should follow leaderhim . This is the key feature of a successful group. I have worked in several groups and I have had different roles. Both of them, being a leader or a simple member, have their advantages.

You must say which one you like more as per the question. Otherwise say you like both roles for the reason of their distinct advantages.
dumi   
Jul 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'building good relations with your coworkers' - toefl ibt [3]

We spend a lot of time onat our work place , so theits environment should be rather comfortable for us. Our cowokers are the essential part of this environment. I am a person who gets easily distracted, that is why there should be practically no interraptorsinterruptions while working . For this reason my coworkers should have several important characteristics ;. In the following part I will try to detail the reasons, whycoworkersthey should be diligent, careful and helpful .

dumi   
Jul 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS essay -- Discuss that consumer goods are cheaper to buy [2]

As a result of the widespread use of the machine and the development of modern technology, goods have become increasingly cheaper ,causing consuming morea rise in level of consumption.For one thingWhile this trend has improve the materialpeople's living standard of living . For another , plenty of resources have been consumed and environment has been polluted dueto the rise in comsuptionto this reason . In my opinion, this trend has brought advantages and disadvantages

The question asks you whether advantages overweigh the disadvantages. You need to say you agree on this or not, or you think they are in equal proportions.
dumi   
Jul 14, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'life is the best teacher' - what about the parents? [4]

Parents are the first teachers of their children in any cases in the worldevery case

Before their children reach tothe age of schooling ,

Furthermore, children copy parents behavior step by step even though their parents do not teach it.

----------- this is what ''Imprinting'' means in the animal kingdom. Imprinting means a young animal acquires several of its behavioral characteristics from its parent.
Furthermore, children imprint their parents and acquire several of their parents'behavioral characteristics.

When children begin to go to school they meet teachers of diversity directionsdiverse backgroundsthatwho are also responsible for betterment and maturation of children.

dumi   
Jul 14, 2012
Writing Feedback / It's usually better to learn and practice with teachers [4]

Depending on persons' abilities and preferences people choose which type of learning is more acceptable for them.

Good sentence to open your essay : )

Nowadays, there are various ways of learning processes

In my opinion, it is better to learn by the help of a teacher.

Your introductory para is very impressive.... It follows the right structure, strong sentences... very good : )
dumi   
Jul 14, 2012
Writing Feedback / [IELTS]: Telecommunications technology - making lives more exciting and efficient? [5]

Modern telecommunication enables the remote exchange of information that changes the way people interacting with each other significantly.

A good opening statement : )

This essay will analyze the profound effects of telecommunications technology on the whole society, and give author's opinion.

-------- Try to avoid this type of statements. They make the reader feel bored. Let him explore your analysis and say this in a different way:

The effects of modern telecommunication have both pros and cons that I wish to analyse in order to examine the effects of this trend on both individual and the society at large.
dumi   
Jul 14, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Public libraries, learning materials, and limited resources on Video, DVD [4]

Hi Chun,

In my view, what is more important is to impress the reader and in your case, the examiner. In this regard the clarity of conveying your ideas is very important. The more you lengthen, the more you confuse the reader. :D

You don't have to write very short sentences. But do not combine different ideas in one sentence. That demands the reader to remember what you said earlier and that's more work for the reader. He would surely not like it. :D

However, you write well... my suggestion is just to improve your writing skills :)
dumi   
Jul 14, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Public libraries, learning materials, and limited resources on Video, DVD [4]

Your grammar is good. Vocabulary too... The only problem is your sentences tend to be too lengthy so that reader has to remember everything you said in that sentence. The more you make reader's life easy, the more you can impress him. So try not to write too long sentences.

Good luck!
: )
dumi   
Jul 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay,"Influence of information available on internet" [3]

. It has made available worldwide information at one place. In ancient days, we had to go to the places to take out or find out some information but, today internet made it simple for us.

--------- change the order;

In ancient days, people had to travel a lot to find out information of other places. But, today internet has made it simple for us. Thanks to internet we can access information about any place in the globe instantly.
dumi   
Jul 13, 2012
Graduate / 'challenging computer science' - statement of purpose about changing major [2]

but those programs weren't onwere never shown on TV in China.

Fortunately, my father, who is a computer engineer, he found those programs online (no comma)so I canfor me to watch those interesting programs and I became interestedwhich aroused my curiosity in science.

Also, because of my father's job, I can contactbecame familiar with the computer applications much earlier than others in my age , and I ever learned to write some easy codes like a calculatorby using visual basic.

Because I dodid well in the high school, I entered the top university in China (which is also the top one university of southwest China).(feel like this part is not necessary; also tell the name of the uni) But I havehad to make a choice: study computer science as my farther done or study science.

If I want to success in one field, I need to know the professional knowledge rather than how to use a tool.

It is not clear what you try to say. What do you mean by this?
dumi   
Jul 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'reducing the frequent use of airplane' - IELTS [7]

Personally, I believe that it is not unnecessary to slow down the expanding of civil aviation.

This, for sure, implies that you are not in agreement with restrictions to curtail travelling. However, it is better that you state your opinion more directly in line with the topic which deals with travelling because it is open to all aspects of travelling and not just for air pollution. It can include other issues too; For example, you may even argue that restricting travelling between countries can hinder the opportunities for cultural understanding between differen people that helps build peace and harmony between nations
dumi   
Jul 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] 'considering their situations and motives' - fixed crime punishment or not? [5]

The primary reason to support the notion of fixed punishment is to simpligy thesimplicity in judgment. For a deliberate crime that is committed deliberately this will help make a prompt decision. Additionally, such punishments send out a message to everybodyperson knows in advance, that thehow they would be punishedpunishment for various crimes and it may prevent their occurrences.

dumi   
Jul 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] 'considering their situations and motives' - fixed crime punishment or not? [5]

Many people commit crimes which may be either with intentional or sometimes by accidental .

There are criminals who do it for funmoney or even for moneyfun .

------- change the order because commiting crime for money is very common and therefore it should get precedence over fun.

Without caringgiving due consideration to thefor underlying reason, some people think a fixed penalty for a similar kindtype of crimes is justifiable . Although theyfixed punishments too have their own advantages, I support other group of people who believe that punishment should be decided according to individual crime.

Your introduction satisfies the required features of this type of essay. It's a good intro :)
dumi   
Jul 12, 2012
Writing Feedback / Essay about too much payment for film and sports stars - feed back [4]

Entertainment and leisure time activities hashave gone through drastic change.

These are the fieldswherein whichpeople are paid for their effort and practice pays, and not for theirthe luck.

Hence, the payment done, is more or less a compliment for their willpower and hard work,than a just an incentive.

dumi   
Jul 12, 2012
Undergraduate / <searching for my "forever"> - UCF-Bump in academic or personal life. [4]

I never realized that the reason why my mother was never around was because she was too busy living a "young, wild, and free" life style.

I also never knewhad no idea, until the most recent years, that when my dad filed for divorce it was because my mom was toooften caught up in dating and drinking to careinstead of caring about her own childbaby. My parents not being together didn't affect me though, as I was accustomed to it.

My parents not being together didn't affect me though, as I was accustomed to it.

This is a confusing statement... what do you mean?
dumi   
Jul 12, 2012
Undergraduate / "Hitting Walls" - my comm app essay for question # 3 for 2013 admission [17]

I too believe 30-40 should be alright. These a few more suggestions to come down on word count;

It is good for improving pain tolerance, hardening knuckle bones as well as alleviating rage. Especially the latter.That's actually howThe latter was the main reason why I first got acquainted with the Wall.

------- I think "why' is better than "how" because "why " goes better with reasons and you had a reason to engage in wall punching.

As you can guess, I am one of the subjects that get a portion of that caustic criticism... A big portion.

There's no harm taking off this part :)

When I really got enraged for the first time the preceding argument started approximately like this:

You can remove this whole sentence and right away start with the next. I feel this does not add much value. Just come up with the incident and then the dialogue.

I remember onceMm y mother was watching some Korean TV series and I happened to comment that Semmi, the main character, should defy her cruel parents and marry her beloved. Just a That casual comment. But itsoon became the kernel of a fury;Believe me, it grew fast ...

Insert this in your dialoge otherwise it sounds too abrupt;
"You think it's OK to oppose your parents' opinion?!" mom barked.

I mean equal as humans. Not financially wise otherwise. Can't I have my own opinion to be considered tooexpress my opinion ?

There were so many instances that I can't bother you with cataloging them all. So I'll dissect them. TheHowever, the influence of my mother that manifested through all those occurrences wasn't pleasant to me. It could have gone one way: I could've become self-conscious and more reserved. But instead I shuffled a bad hand to my favor.

For thatSo I'm reluctantly grateful to her for reshaping my character. Without her conscious, she helped me understandPerhaps,the most important thing I learned is that "hatred and anger" is not the way to go: your nerves strain, your existence exhausts.

---------- I feel you need to show that your anger is now ceased. And you have pardened her weakness. So your essay should end with the same tone and with a note that you are thankful to the person who's influence was worthy for your life. That' why I suggested these changes : )
dumi   
Jul 11, 2012
Research Papers / Cancer and ways of beating it. [2]

they are very easy to be overlooked

------ or else; " they can be easily overlooked"

and who'stheir symptoms are those in which can be mistaken for many other things.

First offof all , knowledge and awareness plays a hugegreat role in prevention.

If one knows the wayprevention methodsofin which to prevent cerviacal cancer it she will be more likely to stay free from cervical cancer.

dumi   
Jul 11, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'gossip-based information' - toefl ibt [4]

Nowadays information plays an important role in our world. It has become a product, which can be sold, bought, or stolen. Some people say: "information is power". That's why it is so important to be well-informed. I consideragree with the statement above to be right for several reasons.

A very impressive introduction. I introduced a small change to strengthen your flow further.

One small tip for your TOEFL Ibt practising;
Leave a bland sentence in between your paras during you practice and this automatically happens at the exam too. That makes your essay neat and tidy and the reader finds it easy to follow. After all, you've got to impress your examiner ; )
dumi   
Jul 11, 2012
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] People born with talent or taught later [6]

Many people have definitivecertainly talents which they develop over years by training. Whilewhilefor others (no comma)they believe that they were born with it.

Note "while' is used as either a noun or a conjunction. In your para it serves the purpose of a conjunction so that you need to connect the two sentences with "while".

e.g
I slept for a while before dinner (used as a noun)
The days were hot while we were on vacation(used as a conjunction)
While I like cats, my husband is allergic(used as a conjunction)
dumi   
Jul 11, 2012
Writing Feedback / It is said that the human beings are becoming slaves of modern technology [2]

the majority of s tr enuous tasks

For instance, thanks to the invention of electricity, many products are now produced totally by the control of only one computer, saving a great deal of human effort.

You begin the sentence with electricity and then talk about computers without establishing a link between them. I think you shouldn't have spoken about computers... You can say electricity supplies the power that manage many manual tasks more effectively and efficiently.
dumi   
Jul 11, 2012
Undergraduate / "Hitting Walls" - my comm app essay for question # 3 for 2013 admission [17]

my essay is about 740 words but the limit set by most colleges is 500 max. In your opinion, will admission officers tolerate difference in 240 words or should I chop something out?

Sorry about my delayed response... If you have a word limit better stick to that. Let's work on coming down on the word count :)

The essay was a wonderful work. If you want to reduce the number of words you should decrease some details of the story. U tried to describe anything accurately. This is a good point for writing but u have word limitation and for this purpose u should delete some sentences.

----------- I too feel this is a good way to get rid of additional words. The conversation is nice, but you can manage the same idea without being so very descriptive. You are very creative in writing. Come up with a very few (max 3) beautiful sentences to describe this situation while taking the reader on an emotional ride. I suggest you to do away with the dialog completely. : )

My head was filled with thoughts, which you might find familiar: "I hate her so much! Why?! Why is she treating me like that? I'll kill her, that's for sure!"

--------- I suggest you to reduce this tone a little bit. ''I'll kill her'' sounds a bit too violent because after all she's your mom and that may convey a wrong message about your character to the reader.
dumi   
Jul 10, 2012
Undergraduate / "Hitting Walls" - my comm app essay for question # 3 for 2013 admission [17]

Well, you have a very unique writing style and I really like it. There are certain phrases ,which I may not think of writing that way. But I cannot say they are wrong, of course I dont find grammar issues with them, because they compliment your style of writing. For example;

May hurt a lot, though.

Especially the latter.

... A big portion.

------ These sentences sound pretty abrupt. But it goes with your style : )
dumi   
Jul 9, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY : best time usage - people visit museums when they travel to new places? [3]

Generally people in their leisure time try to travel to new places. Learning newinformationcultures is one of joyful things that a person is always looking for.

These two sentences are very poor for opening your essay. They do not add value to your argument and the reader cannot find any link between them.

In my point of view, I believe that people prefer to visit museums because it is a place collection of information about the culture, governmental history and somehow animals.

Again '' in my point of view'' and '' I believe'' are too close and one makes the other redundant. Use only one of them in your essay. This is my suggestion for your introductory par;

Travelling is a popular leisure activity and the travelers are usually very passionate about exploring other cultures, history, and people. Therefore, the museums are one of traveler's most favored places because they are the best in offering a glimpse of everything about the place to the traveler. The reason for this, in my view, is that museums contain a collection of artifacts that resemble every aspect of the new place such as its culture, history, evolution, echo system etc.
dumi   
Jul 9, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS Topic: How do organizations give help to poor countries [3]

Giving financial support to the countries in poverty directly is a kind of way that some international aid organizations usually give help in.

Change the order and it reads better;
Granting direct financial support is one the of usual ways that some international aid organizations offer help to the countries in poverty.----------- Here I introduced the word ''grant'' instead of give.

However, some people argue that rather than money, actual suggest(this is wrong)expert advice and technical support are more useful to help develop those poor areasnations. I totally agree with this argument and will prove it by evidence(unnecessary because reader knows that you are going to give your reasons in the forthcoming paras) .

dumi   
Jul 9, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'money is much important' - The Main reason people go to work is to earn money [6]

I vigorously ( Do you think vigorously is necessary?) agree

----------- @ Hadi - No, it reads better without vigorous as Deepak suggests. You can say "I strongly believe"

You need to pay a great attention to your grammar and sentence structures. Don't rush to use very complicated words though it's good to display your vocabulary is strong. First you should understand the phrases and the situations that you could use those words. Start with simple sentences with correct grammar and more clarity. Then move on to complicated structures. : )
dumi   
Jul 9, 2012
Undergraduate / "Hitting Walls" - my comm app essay for question # 3 for 2013 admission [17]

Perhaps, the most important thing I learned myself is that hatred and anger is not the way to go:

Order and Composure - that is strength. But Fury and Grief - weakness

This is a very important lesson for life.... Well said : )
I really enjoyed reading your essay... It's very different to what other's generally write because they write about "good" influencing to be "good". But you write "bad" influencing to be "good'. Well, I believe it is in line with what the prompt asks for and you have taken up a good challenge. It is very well written.

: )
dumi   
Jul 9, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'camping in the mountains' - Ideal Vacation Literary Essay [4]

Well.... I just gave you my suggestions for this part of your essay in view of improving its presentation.
For example;
"I have been to severl vacation trips" ----------- this sounds improper because you can say that I have been to a particular place. e.g. I have been to New York. But "vacation trips" is not a place. So is my suggestion; I have gone on vacation trips.
dumi   
Jul 8, 2012
Undergraduate / 'obsession with Asian pop and Hispanic music' Stanford supplement letter to roommate [4]

Speaking of cheese, I love to cook and try new food, so I hope you are up to hunting down the best restaurants and trying my newest recipe attempts.

hahaha... this is enough for you to impress your roommate...lol

I can't wait to meet you!

--------- I feel you should make this one a bit more serious. Something like;
I am eagerly looking forward to meeting you soon.

Enjoyed reading your letter; it's cool and witty :D
dumi   
Jul 8, 2012
Undergraduate / 'everyone is not as fortunate as I am' - Personal essay for the FALL 2013 [3]

AroundAbout 10 years ago I was stuck at a train station in India.

- a never ending build of screeches from retarding trains, a rush of sweaty people and an assortment of indiscernible sounds.

All these stimuli sort of disappeared into the background as I witnessed something too painful to describe:

instantly reminded me that incident fromin India.

That class got me thinking aboutto ponder into what real hunger meantmeans .

In my sheltered existence, I had known "hunger" as just an effect of a missed meal now and then, perhaps caused by volunteered fasting as a part of religious obligationsbecause of ancestors' spirits or other festivities .

dumi   
Jul 8, 2012
Essays / Why is Censorship necessary in Canada? [2]

As citizens of the 21st century the media is something that is very powerful.

. ... "As citizens of the 21st century" - I feel this part does not add much value to your sentence. Or may be it is not linked properly with the balance part of the sentence. Better repharase this, because it is your opening sentence.

the government shouldn`t be the ones mandating what we can and cannot see.

dumi   
Jul 8, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'camping in the mountains' - Ideal Vacation Literary Essay [4]

Although I've been toI have gone on several vacation trips, only two of them are the most memorable. Theytwo trips I remember the most are when my family and I went to a small beautiful island in Lake Ouachita, Arkansas as well asand when my friends and I rented an amazing little cabin In Lyndale, Texas.

dumi   
Jul 8, 2012
Undergraduate / Essay about yourself (finance and investment interest) [5]

My name is Juhi Singh and I did my engineering in information technology from Andhra University,Visakhapatnam.

engineering what? specify your degree!... My suggestion;
I am Juhi Singh, an engineering graduate in Information Technology.

I have aMy only brother and he works in for Navy Store Department,Mumbai.

I introduced these changes to break the usual pattern. Otherwise, the reader feels you are giving him a list of things. Present your sentences differently to make your writing interesting :)
dumi   
Jul 8, 2012
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Teenagers with unpaid work is justifiable! [2]

Teenagers are more and morevery active nowadays

they are not only good at studystudies but also good at social work.

----- as Ahmad suggested, you better rephrase this sentence because your idea does not come out with a serious note;
They are capable of managing several tasks together with their studies.

Besides, teenagers who take part in voluntarycommunit y activities contribute benefitsforto its well beingcommunit y.

Society is decreased socialburdened with issues such as porvety or environmental pollution.

Furthermore, unpaid work createsbuilds the confidence and the hope for unluckyin unprivileged and needy people and then they can pass over their misfortuneslive with a hope . Since, society will develop unshakably.

-------------- You need to give a specific example for this reason. For example, you can say that certain functions of elders homes are taken care of unpaid community works that ease off the burden of maintaining such homes for the elders.

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