Undergraduate / My sister recommended this school with a great passion; admissions essay - WHY NYUAD? [3]

Ansah, the information that you included in this essay is really information that does not offer a true personal insight into the reasons why you would want to attent NYUAD. You know which part I think will better resonate with the reviewer? Having you develop your passion to attend the university based upon the experiences that your sister had which might have positively influenced you to wish to attend the university.

Keep in mind that having an alumna in the family could help your application because it shows a personal interest on your part in attending the university. As it could also be seen as a case of you simply wanting to imitate your sister, you should also include some personal reasons for wishing to attend the university that doesn't sound like it came from the university website or second hand information. Discuss your major and the reasons why you believe that NYUAD is the best place for your to attend academically. Make sure that the personal reasons that you gained from your sister will be reinforced by your own personal reasons for wanting to attend the university. By showing a strong personal reason and a compelling academic reason, then you will strengthen your application.

Undergraduate / My trip to Nepal - Disciplinary Supplement [2]

Kris, while I understand that these events may have occurred during the recent past, it is always important to name the year of the incident in your essay because the reviewer will not be privy to the information as to when these events happened. So being clear about when it happened helps him build a timeline of events and how it may have affected you as a person.

Since you were expelled from school so close to graduation, it is important that you mention how the expulsion affected not only you, but your family as well. The need to explain that stems from the fact that your father thought it wise to take you to Nepal with him on order to experience the effects of tragedy on the lives of peopleTry to relate the Nepal experience with your expulsion from school. How did the two events relate in your life? By connecting the two events and experiences, you should be able to create a better impact for the lesson that you learned from the two actions that you were involved in.

I am sure that your next drafgt wiull be further improved. However, you should be prepared to revise the content of your essay just in case further improvements can be done to it :-) I look forward to reading the next part of your essay.

Undergraduate / College application! Reflecting on personal goals... [3]

Joelle, you have successfully represented the reasons that UNC will be able to help you develop as a person once you attend the university. By expolaining your separation anxiety issues and other factors that prevente dyou from receiving a 4 year degree in the past, you have also managed to explain that you are now finally ready to attend a real university and accept the personal challenges that will accompany it.

However, you did not get to the point about your meeting your academic goals immediately. Instead, you wasted space discussing the view and environment of the community that the university is located in. You should simply omit that and instead, go directly to your discussion that states:

By going to community college, I learned how important it was for me to have relationships with my professors and peers in order to have assistance and support when needed. I believe a huge factor in success is having more people in my support group. UNC's medium sized classes will allow me to get to know my peers and professors on a more personal level.

It is important to know and understand social norms of different ethnicities and cultures when getting into the field of Psychology and Social Work. According to ABCNews, Maine is the least diverse state in the country. UNC and the state of North Carolina itself, has a variety of different ethnic and cultural backgrounds. This will provide me with the knowledge I need to better myself in the work field, and for my own personal gain.

You can skip the part telling the reviewer that you already received 2 certificates and the explanation about the location of the university. Those are just not relevant to the prompt requirements. Also, try to restate the information that you received from ABC News. Make it sound like something you learned on your own through research and an understanding of the university objectives and goals. That way you come across as more engaged in the course you have chosen to enroll in instead of just giving out second hand information.

Undergraduate / Parsons Essay challenge .. title is Weirdo [3]

Pidza, I know and undersatand that you titled your piece of writing "Wierdo", the question I have for you is, why did you choose that title? So this is an essay challenge that is part of your common app essay packet, what is the prompt that you were given? Without the instructions or reason that you chose this title, as provided by Parsons, we can't help you edit this essay properly nor offer comments that you will find relevant to the editing or finalizing of the essay. Kindly provide that information to use when you can because we cannot function without it.

If you are opting to write a comparison essay of "formal people" versus "wierdo's", it would be best for you to approach the essay in paragraph form, with discussions covering only 1 trait of each description per paragraph so that the remaining 3 paragraphs can contain a proper opinion coming from you and an acceptable conclusion to your discussion at the end. Keep in mind though that my advice is only applicable to the current form of the essay and will definitely be altered depending upon the proper prompt that you are trying to respond to.

Graduate / How an iPhone told me a story - Engg Mgmt SOP [5]

Muydit, as I mentioned above, there are certain elements that you need to present in order to turn this personal statement into a statement of purpose. The whole look, feel, and information that you are delivering at the moment does not suit the requirements of a SOP. I already stated the necessary factors that you need to present in the essay in my previous thread. Let me just repeat the information since you seem to have overlooked it when you read my post :-)

You need to be able to present a clear focus or purpose for your desire to study engineering management. Presenting that along with your relevant work experience, a summary of your college studies, and, most specially, how you see your career improving once you complete this degree will allow the reviewer to understand the purpose for your studies and its accompanying effect on you as a person and a professional in the field.

Scholarship / Masters in Sweden, SI scholarship: I'll return to Vietnam, become a leader to tackle health problems [3]

Vo, I reworded your response for clarity and maximum character use efficiency. The new responses can be found below:

Describe your previous leadership experience? in SI scholarship (250 characters)

I resolved the problem of drug storage in different wards by developing a response guidebook that led to improved nursing practices and safety nets for the patients.

What do you plan to do after completing your master's degree in Sweden?

I will return to Vietnam and become a competent leader in a health research institution. I will cooperate with Swedish embassy in holding events for students so that students with an interest in studying in Sweeden will have a veue for inquiry.

Writing Feedback / Descriptive essay : Singapore during Japanese Occupation [3]

Samuel, if I were scoring this essay, and without knowing the grading rubic requirements of your teacher, I would score this a 15. Mostly because there is a confusion in the way you told the story. Are you telling the story as a flashback? Or are you living the story? One minute, it sounds like you are recalling the experience of other people, probably based on their stories, then in the next breath, you seem to be living within the story you are narrating itself. You need to pick whether you will tell the story as a flashback or in real time as a participant. That should help clarify the story teller's point of view in the story.

The narration is pretty strong but in need of better transitions. The story is jumping around using weak transitions. The ending is also confusing. The story abruptly ends. There is no resolution to the story. There is no basis for the ending. This further creates weak points in your essay. These are the problems that have caused me to give it a mere "passing" score based upon my own criteria.

In order to strengthen the essay, make sure to pick the method by which you will be narrating the story, make sure that you know what kind of story you will be telling, and finally, know the kind of ending you will have for the story and how to present it. Right now, this is not bad as a draft. Don't try to pass it to your professor for a real grade though, it won't get a good one.

Undergraduate / What have you done to serve others around you? Global Undergraduate Exchange Program [2]

Dinh, it is really nice of you to be able to help those in need within your community during their hour of helplessness. That is a good trait for any person to have. It shows a caring side of you that recognizes that you are responsible for your neighbors even if you do not know them personally. However, the civic activity that you chose to discuss as a response to this essay ix lacking in a personal connection.

When you stop to consider the statement of MLK, Jr., you will come to understand that he is not asking you about a one time contribution to society. Nor is he asking you to consider just helping your fellowman only when he needs help. The discussion that your response should contain must cover a regular socio-civic activity that you already engage in. Based upon your current socio-civic volunteer activity, you should be able to project or develop an idea as to how you plan to continue participating in your community service for the continued benefit of the members of the town. Basically, you should present an activity and discussion that you can quite possibly continue to pursue as a college student overseas as part of the exchange program. Anything from volunteering to visit the elderly, or assisting with Habitat for Humanity are possible future activities that you can participate in which can continue to benefit towns and communities whether locally or internationally.

Graduate / Research on geophysics what explores fascination about the earth and planetary science [17]

Mohammad, this is a new draft of your essay that I developed. Do me a favor and fill in the blanks regarding the professors names and universities where they work. I also want to know if you have any additional information or comments that you want to add to the essay so that I can work on adding those too. Here is the essay for your review and comment:

The Earth's magnetic property changes with the spin of different material which is a liquid that is formed at its core. The gravity field ...

I know it seems very short at the moment. That is what is supposed to happen because I left room for additional information coming from you. At the moment, we can add at least 2 more important paragraphs to it.

Graduate / SOP; After scrutinizing my interests, I have decided to pursue Masters in Planning [2]

Manasa, your essay contains too much background. It is a really detailed discussion of your background that shows off your strong academic credentials. However, that is not the only information required when a reviewer considers your application. When he refers to this essay, he will see that it is listed as a "statement of purpose". Therefore, he will concentrate on learning the reasons why you wish to pursue this particular academic degree. That is where this essay begins to lose its focus.

There is no clear indication as to the reason why you wish to pursue this course. Does it have something to do with your short term or long term career plan? Does it have anything to do with your desire to contribute to the field by developing something in terms of policy, program, skill, activities, etc.? Let the reviewer know why it is important for you personally, to be able to complete this course of study.

Don't concentrate so much on your background in the field. As a college graduate, you should be sharing more about your professional activities in relation to your specified course of masters study. That is the logical next step in your training. So shed light on the additional training, seminars, or work related experience that you have completed instead. That is the way that you can make this SOP deliver more of the relevant information it requires.

Writing Feedback / LAZINESS (it talk about laziness. It is my thinking, my first paragraph post on here. [3]

Suong, don't just write aimlessly. I know that you are trying to develop your English writing skills but writing without a topic in mind, or writing with such a broad topic for discussion, as you did in this introductory paragraph, does not help you learn how to write better. It just allows you to practice your English sentence structure skills. While you should develop that skill, without a true topic for discussion, your essay will not be able to really help you in the sense that you want it to.

Before you start writing about anything, focus on what information you want to share with people. Make sure that you can develop your discussion within 2 paragraphs, for starters. Within those 2 paragraphs, all you have to do is properly introduce your topic for discussion, an opinion, and a reason why you think the discussion you are presenting is important. Writing in that manner will help you to better develop your English analysis, and writing skills :-) Don't forget to focus on your spelling. Right now, your spelling really needs work :-)

Writing Feedback / Advantage and Disadvantage Essay - Being an Only Child [3]

In the past, there were families with a dozen or so children. However, ın the modern world, having an only child became HAS BECOME more common by the increase of tendency DUE TO THE DESIRE OF PARENTS TO FULFILL THEIR to have promising career and with the help of medicine . It is clear to see that having or being an only child effects BOTH THE parents and child. From the child's perspective, being an only child has both pros and cons. ( AND FROM THE PARENT'S PERSPECTIVE?)

Generally, in the families with more than one child, kids envy each other in terms of having GETTING THE attention of THEIR parents and it THE KIDS sometimes ends up with fighting. As an only child, they have no siblings to compete for attract WITH FOR THEIR parents' 'S attention. They automatically have both their parents' full attention. It is well known that the more children, the more burden to THE family. It means, families having an only child can provide a better life to FOR their child with holidays, good schools, more possessionS, opportunity OPPORTUNITIES to study abroad and so on. Unlike the others, those who are AN only child spendS most of their HIS time with adults. One of the effects of spending a lot of time with adults is that they learn early on how to think like adults. It exactly IS what makes them more mature than the others.

When it comes to THE disadvantages of being an only child, the "Little Emperor Syndrome" comes to mind. THE "Little Emperor Syndrome" refers to the Chinese situation including families and OF HAVING ONLY A their single child. It is a case in which parents lavish their attention, love,AND resources on this one child of their, and as a result, the child becomes spoilt SPOILED and behaves like A "Little Emperor". In old age, when parents need someone's help to survive, an only child needs to carry parents' THAT responsibility alone as they have no siblings to share responsibility THE RESPONSIBILITY WITH. For example, my grandfather cannot even take a shower on his own, he needs my father's help to take a shower. One of the most important disadvantages of being only child is they are not able to have nephews or nieces. Also their children have no uncles, aunts, cousins and the like. (THIS PART OF THE DISCUSSION IS NEW INFORMATION THAT SHOULD HAVE ITS OWN PARAGRAPH. INSTEAD, CONTINUE TO EXPLAIN THE SITUATION OF YOUR FATHER AND GRANDFATHER BECAUSE IT DOES NOT HAVE A COMPLETE DISCUSSION AT THIS POINT.)

To cut a long story short, families with an only child have become more common compared to THE past. For the children, being an only child has both advantages and disadvantages. Even if some disadvantages can be coped with the help of parents, the others are unable to be avoided. (ENHANCE THE CONCLUSION WITH A COMPLETE SUMMARY, RESTATEMENT OF THE PROMPT, AND YOUR OPINION TO COMPLETE IT.)

Graduate / How an iPhone told me a story - Engg Mgmt SOP [5]

Mudit, as far as I can see, this statement of purpose does not deliver the necessities. Instead, it offers a personal statement. Though both essays are required for an MA application, a statement of purpose has more specific content requirements. The problem, is that your essay combines both of the information required in a PS and a SOP. Thus making it longer than necessary as it delivers too much information to the reviewer.

It is important to change the focus of your essay so that it delivers only what the reviewer will consider necessary in your statement of purpose. As the name of the essay implies, your essay needs to present the clear focus or purpose for your desire to study engineering management. That purpose, should be presented as soon as possible within the essay. Most applicants do their best to highlight that information at the very start or within the first few sentences of the first paragraph of the statement of purpose.

After learning about your purpose, the reviewer will only consider a few more factors within the essay, which should be strong enough to support your desire for higher studies. Discuss your relevant work experience, a summary of your college studies, and, most specially, how you see your career improving once you complete this degree.

What the reviewer doesn't want to read is a tremendously long introduction that does not relate to the necessary information. He doesn't have the time to wade through your essay looking for information. That will just irritate him and make him stop reading your work. It will definitely be in your best interest to shorten the essay by just issuing the information that he expects to read about. Just make sure that your information is strong, verifiable, and paints you in the best light :-)

Writing Feedback / The Most Favorite Leader in Indonesia by Grahyta [3]

Grayta, try to make the essay more informative. As Michael said, it would be nice to learn about why you admire these two people in particular. Aside from the general knowledge that you presented, there really isn't much information about their character or accomplishments in the government that would have your reader understand why these two people should be admired.

One way of improving this essay, would be to have you explain the traits that you look for in political leaders for your country. Instead of the generic opening that you have at the moment, talk to us about your opinion about what leadership is about and the reasons why you might admire some leaders in your country. Then introduce the two people you admire, together at first. That way you establish that the essay will be covering 2 topics regarding leadership.

You could also opt to do a comparison of the two leadership styles and then compare the two leaders. Explain why even though their leadership differs in implementation, you still admire them individually. Highlight their leadership styles that you hope to emulate when your time to become a leader in your country arrives. That way you establish more than just an admiration for these people, you also imply that you too wish to become a leader, combining the best of their leadership skills, in your own leadership style in the future :-)

Essays / The Amherst essay - The rigorous reasoning and insight essay (300 words) [2]

Smith, it is never a good idea to just develop one side of the discussion. Always develop both in order to bring a semblance of balance and better understanding of the essay to the reader. As I always tell my students who are trying to draft their essays, forget about the word count. Just write about everything that you want to talk about in relation to the topic. You need to get those thoughts out of your head in order to even begin to draft your essay.

It doesn't matter if you write 2000 words the first time you write the essay. It is always easier to cut out parts of the essay in order to meet the word count. Think of the essay like a box. You won't be able to say everything you need to within 300 words, but you can edit a 2000 word essay to properly address the prompt by editing it down to 300 words. Editing the essay to meet the word count is the easy part. The hard part, is getting everything you want to say down on paper.

So my advice is this, write the long version of your essay first. Then post it here for review. Our reviews after that should be able to assist you in cutting the essay down to the required word count. Don't worry about how it can be done because we will help you do that :-)

Undergraduate / "I dont want to do anything in my life but draw" SCAD statement of purpose. [5]

Jordan, this a very good improvement to your essay. You amanged to show a process by which you were able to continue your education / preparation for attending SCAD even without a formal high school education or training. I would like you to try something to further improve your essay though. Would you mind adding to the part about how you managed to teach yourself how to draw using the internet based free lessons that you came across? If you can describe how difficult this was for you to do, and yet you managed to develop an impressive portfolio, I believe that it will show how you are determined to succeed despite your shortcoming academic-wise.

Now, is the comic-artist that you came across a notable name in the industry? It might be of benefit to you to mention his name and how that meeting inspired you to pursue a degree at SCAD, even though others would believe that you would not qualify to even apply at the university.

When you talk about your future about a storyboard artist, try to present an idea of what your short and long term plans for after graduation. Don't just mention the occupation you want to work in. You have to show a definite career path and a sense of how you plan to do that.

Undergraduate / Mysterious Future Goals: Sentence structures and grammars are my prior enemy. [3]

Denise, the first problem with your essays is that you did not separate the topics by prompt so that we can read each essay properly. At the moment, these 2 essays seem to be merged into one, making it difficult for us to properly review it. Most specially since all you have written for each prompt is just an introduction.

Neither introduction really speaks of anything of substance in the essay. It does not reflect nor give an idea as to what the main topic of the essay will be. There is only one way to fix the problems that exist in these essays and that is for you to write the complete essays per prompt and then post them, with the prompt attached, as separate essays at this forum. Reviewing your essays for content will be impossible if you don't do that first.

Remember, we can't help you if you only have draft introductions written. We need to read the whole essay draft and we need to know the full prompt specifications so that we can analyze the content of the essay in the proper manner.

Undergraduate / "The failure that taught me a lot" - my fall became a stepping-stone rather than a setback [3]

Zheng, there is a lack of honesty in the way you approached the essay. The reviewer will not feel a sense of connection between you and the life experience you wrote about. The problem, lies in the fact that you seemed to have simply glossed over the story of your failure. It is almost as if you are looking at the "failure" from hindsight in a light manner.

Try to present a real attitude or life altering incident that resulted in a failure that you learned from . Something that had a profound effect on your life which led you to a realization about your weaknesses and strengths, your abilities and limitations, and the kind of person you became because of that experience.

What the reviewer will look for in this instance is a semblance of how you deal with failure and the kind of attitude that you have when you do not get something that you want. So make sure to deliver a sort of character analysis on your part. Ensuring that the reviewer will come to know another side of you in the process.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The Table and The Bar - forms of transportation used for journeys in some countries [8]

Hi Rere, here is my version of the chart report. I hope it helps :-)

There are two sets of information presented in this document. The first is a table that outlines the percentage of transportation users in Canada, UK, France, and Netherlands. After that, a graph was presented that details the reasons why a particular type of transport, in this case, a car, is a popular mode of transportation among its users in Canada with alternatives ranking well in the other countries.

Canada shows the highest percentage of car users at 90%. This is because 40% of Canadians do not have access to public transport from their areas of residence. Therefore, the car is a necessity for the 30% of the population living in the outskirts of the city. It offers 20% of the population a convenience because of the quick transport it provides specially to the 7% of people who work in the night shift.

While Canadians prefer cars, only 18 % of the population in France would rather use cars. In the Netherlands though, cars are rarely used because 26% prefer to use bicycles and 18% prefer to walk. These alternative modes of transport are far more popular than the remaining 4% of alternative transport used in other countries.

Overall, the car is the more predominant form of transport in 4 countries. Only a small fraction of the total population prefer alternative transport as represented by bicycles, public transport, or walking, and other forms of transport. As far as the chart information is concerned, the car is the preferred way to travel in most cities.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay- This is what makes me happy. [5]

Sakshi, like i said before, you are already submitting this with other scholarship requirements. Therefore, it is obvious that this essay is part of your application documentation. The scholarship committee, as the name implies, already knows you are a candidate for the scholarship, so is everyone else that will be submitting applications to them. Therefore, it is not necessary to constantly remind them of what is always consciously at the back of their minds. They already know you are a scholarship applicant. There is no need to repeat that information.

Remember that the prompt is asking you to discuss one specific topic alone. That of your leadership abilities. That is all that the committee members will be interested in knowing about. Do not deviate from the prompt and most specially, do not beg for the scholarship at the end of your essay. You need to present yourself with dignity and allow your application to speak for you. All of you who apply for the scholarship badly need the financial support. However, it is not how hard to beg for the scholarship that will get you financial aid, what will win it for you will be your credentials and whether or not the committee believes that you have what it takes to stand by what their foundation stands for. Which is why they are asking about specifics like "leadership".

Just give them the information that is being required. Everything else is self explanatory for them and will be judged based upon other factors. Pleading your case won't make a difference. This essay is fine as it is :-)

Undergraduate / How I met Harry Potter. Common Application for 2016 fall [3]

Hailie, when you talk about a background story, it always has to be a character building story or something that represents the person whom you are or who you wish to be in the future. Considering the requirements for that type of prompt, it is safe to say that this essay does not deliver. However, as an "interest" related essay, then the two topics that you chose to present fit the bill. There is just as slight problem with your essay at this point.

You need to create a transition paragraph after the presentation of Harry Potter but before you present your interest in animated films. Discuss something along the lines of HP being a book that awakened your imagination, so you definitely went to see the film version, where the animated book characters were given life and in the process, made you interested in another form of literature. That literature would be the art of telling a novel in film form using a combination of animation and CGI effects. Discussed that way, you will be able to properly transition and connect the previous essay content with the next part.

Undergraduate / I've always considered myself a "math guy". One page on why do I want to go to Carnagie Mellon [5]

Michael, you should definitely remove the first two paragraphs and replace them. However, you should only replace it with information that will be considered as relevant to the prompt by the reviewer. When I referred to your original promot and the original essay, I came to the conclusion that your essay will be best strengthened by a reference to the 2 points in the prompt that are currently not represented.

Write a paragraph that deals with the reason why you wish to become a "Mathematician". Talk about Math as you understand it to be in terms of theory and application at the moment and what you hope to learn at CMU along these lines. Then open a new paragraph where you can discuss your views as a future mathematician and how you see the role of math evolving in terms of technological application and such in the near future. Finally, close the essay with your own description who you will be in the future after you graduate from CMU. What kind of mathematician will you be? What kind of groundbreaking math development would you like to be able to pursue as a professional? Or maybe, you plan on having solved one of the unsolvable math questions by then. Make your future sound highly exciting and bright :-)

Remember, you can fill a whole page, single space. So you don't have to limit yourself to replacing just 2 paragraphs. Be as thorough as possible while discussing the prompt requirements. Take the time to edit what you previously wrote if possible. That is how you perfect your application essay :-)

Undergraduate / Explain why you are interested in the first-choice major-Mathematics? [5]

Nepal, I am not sure if you will appreciate that I meddled with the content of your essay when I revised it. I changed the flow of the paragraphs and removed sentences that I felt were irrelevant to your response. The moves that I did reduced the essay further down to 137 precisely positioned words. I hope this version of the essay works for you :-)

What I like the most about Mathematics is that it has everyday use. I never took it as difficult ...

You can revise what I wrote if you want to or you can use it with your application packet. Just let me know what you decided to do and I will be right here to help you out :-)

Undergraduate / Raising a startup- extracurricular I am most proud of- Columbia University (150 words) [2]

Raphael, while I understand that you had partners who helped you develop the code for the transport app that your group successfully launched, you should be focusing your response on the way that you contributed positively to the undertaking instead of discussing it as a collective endeavor. While there were three of you in the group, working on launching the program, the whole group is not applying to college here, just you. So work on highlighting your participation in the group activities. What made you proud of the work that you did? Be specific and make sure to let the reviewer know that this was an aspect of the project that you are proud of because you accomplished the task, whatever it may be, alone, without help from the others.

I know that is is not easy to start up a company, most specially an app based company, However, I truly believe that each of you had a specific contribution to the company, without which the company would not be able to exist. So focus on presenting that to the reviewer. That should be the aspect of this activity that you are most proud of.

While this response is nice to read and shows how you can work with a team, it does not really emphasize your ability to accomplish an activity on your own and why that is important to you. A simple revision should help fix that problem.

Undergraduate / "I dont want to do anything in my life but draw" SCAD statement of purpose. [5]

Jordan, are you telling the reviewer that you have absolutely no preparation whatsoever for attending SCAD aside from being a one time member of the anime club in your high school? If that is the case then we have a definite problem here. Your response to the prompt contains too much dramatics and very little response to the prompt, specifically in the "describing preparation for and commitment to further study at SCAD" portion.

As a personal statement about having to overcome an obstacle in your life, this essay response just might work. However, as a response to requirement specific prompt questions, it fails miserably. Are you sure you do not have any other artistic inclinations, participation, or training, no matter how limited, that can help to at least provide a quick insight into your artistic inclinations and interests? You really have to provide something along those lines.

In addition to that missing information, you also failed to provide a direction as to where you hope your studies at SCAD will take you in the future. You need to properly reflect your career goals and aspirations at the same time as your reasons for attending SCAD. This essay just doesn't work.

You should try to revise the essay after doing some reflection of the prompt requirements. Consider the information that you can provide which will definitely strengthen the essay. I would happily pick out some starting points for you to use from your original essay if it existed. Unfortunately, there is no sign of the information we need :-(

Undergraduate / Virtual reality and video games - Duke Pratt engineering essay [13]

Hi, I did some final edits on your paper just to make the word count lower and tighten the focus. So it now has 146 words in it and I believe that it flows faster, smoother, and more interestingly than before. You can use this version if you wish to :-)

As a child of the new millineum, my desire to learn about programming seems to be a part of my DNA. From the moment I was first introduced to the concept of videogames as a child, I have always held a fascination for game software programming .

Tweaking code to place my own spin on classic games such as Snake and Bejeweled appealed to me like nothing else ever had. I want to study engineering to create an incredible gaming experience by developing wetware that implements direct brain-to-computer interactions.

Duke's DiVE research facility, and The Walk Again project, which allows paraplegics free movement, piqued my interest. Facilities like DiVE would allow me to pursue my interests and ideas in my ideal environment. Studying alongside some of the most innovative peers and faculty in the world, I hope to reach the pinnacle of my potential at Duke.

Graduate / Research on geophysics what explores fascination about the earth and planetary science [17]

I still think that the first paragraph needs to be improved. What od you think of this version for use in your essay?

My career goal is to become a top notch Geoscientist/ Research Consultant/Teacher. This is a professional plan that I hope to achieve after I have learned the answers to the geophysical questions that surround our planet. I hope to do research in the field during my MS years that will lay the foundation for the eventual discovery of the answers to earthbound statement questions such as:

The Earth's magnetic property changes with the spin of different material which is a liquid that is formed at its core. The gravity field varies with perturbation of mass on the earth surface.So, does this mean that gravity depends on the mass of the planet? What will happen if the materials in core are stopped spinning? Why materials in core are spinning? Is the temperature main reason behind this spinning? Is it also applicable for other planets? Etc. I want to find the truth behind these questions.

If you think that the above revised paragraph is an introductory statement that you will be comfortable in using, I would like to ask your permission to now edit the total essay that you have written so that I can hand it over to you in its final format. Please let me know if I can proceed with doing that for you :-)

Writing Feedback / My Perception about ONLINE SHOP - Good or Bad? [2]

there THERE is no doubt that THE internet is ONE of the greatest humankind inventions of the last century. THE I internet can bring many benefitS for people and make things became popular, like FOR example, AN online shop. Online shopS is ARE one of bussiness BUSINESSES popular on THE internet right now. Online shopS is ARE very EASY is to use, the people can buying anything they want. Just w With one click and , people can access ANY STORE with THE USE OF THEIR smartphone and computers.

In the internet bussiness like online shop ONLINE SHOPS PEOPLE usually have many opinionS. . s Some people thinks THAT online shopS ARE is not safe for money to buy some things FROM because the seller canNOT be trustED and we don't know who is the seller makes negative thinking for online shop THE SELLER IS, WHICH CAN ALL LEAD TO A NEGATIVE ONLINE SHOPPING EXPERIENCE. But, in the fact not at all THAT IS NOT ALWAYS THE CASE. On THE internet, we can find many trustED sites for online shopPING ike bukalapak.com or tokopedia.com in indonesia and ebay.com for international online shopPING.

In that site THOSE SITES, the people will be guaranteed to buy somethings WHEN THEY BUY THINGS because the system on it makes the people money safe and save on accurate account ONLINE PAYMENT OR MONEY TRANSFER SAFE. . Furthermore the people dont be DON'T NEED TO worry as such the things that had BEEN bought will arrive at buyer BE DELIVERED TO THE BUYER.

To sum up, i believe that online shops made our lives easier to buy something WHEN IT COMES TO SHOPPING. But the people must be smart and careful to choose sites on WHEN USING SITES ON THE internet because internet always done at your own risk EVERYTHING BOUGHT ON THE INTERNET CARRIES SOME RISKS.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay- This is what makes me happy. [5]

Sakshi, since you are already submitting this with the rest of your scholarship application, there is no need to mention it in this essay. The scholarship committee already knows you need the financial aid and I am sure that there is another prompt where they will allow you to discuss the importance of the scholarship to your academic completion.

Now, here is my version of your response statement ( 208 words):

As an oral health practitioner of more than 3 years, I believe that I have displayed ample leadership skills as ...

This can either be the template for your revision or you can use this version as is :-)

Undergraduate / I've always considered myself a "math guy". One page on why do I want to go to Carnagie Mellon [5]

Michael, the first part of your essay is all word filler and fluff designed to make the essay longer than it should be because you do not have much to say in terms of why you chose your major and Carnegie Mellon. You should not have placed the mandatory information at the end of the essay. That is never done because that is the information that the reviewer always wants to read first. While he is interested in your background, he is more interested to learn about the information the prompt requires of you.

It will be best for your essay if you revise the essay by making the following modification, bring up the following statement to your opening paragraph:

I first learned about Carnegie Mellon through a colleges.usnews ranking. In 11th grade, I was just beginning my search for colleges and looked up the best engineering schools in the country and naturally found Carnegie Mellon among the top... From the excellent academics, the available networking, and innovative beyond, and has earned its place as my top choice of colleges."

Then follow up with the information about any goals or relevant work plans that will relate to your time as a student at CMU. Save the information about your background for a more relevant prompt. I am sure one will come along :-) For now, concentrate on just delivering the short form of your essay, based upon the instructions provided by the university in writing the essay.

Undergraduate / 'The 100 book competition in kindergarten' - College Essay for Milwaukee and Parkside [3]

Christian, without changing the topic for the 100 book competition that you enjoyed when you were in Kindergarten, which led to your love for books, why don't you say something about obersving that college students no longer read the printed word off paperbacks. Talk about your experience of learning to read on paperbacks and how that compares to reading an eBook. Then say something like you would like to have opportunity to start a book club at the university where the only requirement will be to complete a reading list of paperbacks instead of eBooks.

Using the King of Books title as part of the yearly competition for the club, you can say that the title and a minor prize will be given out by the club every end of the semester to the member who manages to complete the reading the list in paperback form. No resorting to the movie version or eBook. Your experience and interest will lie in how you want to keep the dying art of reading paperbacks alive because of the benefits that can be derived from it as opposed to the eBook versions.

By presenting your response in such a manner, you will be able to present a life experience, commitment, and interest that is sure to make a positive impact / contribution to the university community.

Writing Feedback / kasfulanwar7 - I want to tell about sport, just my opinion [2]

As we know, sportS is ARE physical activity IES that aimS to maintain or improve A PERSON'S physical ability and HELP make A PERSON healthy. In spite of that, sportis also a game or competition SPORTS ARE ALSO GAMES OR COMPETITIONS that ARE playED or showS complete physical ability or skills. Therefore, sportS is physical ability for games that aim to maintain or improve THE physical ability or skills OF PEOPLE AS WELL AS and can be an entertainment that forms a game or competition.

There are many affiliateS of sports that populer ARE POPULAR and often can be played by people. For example, football, baseball, swimming, fetching, golf, basketball and , etc. That sport THOSE SPORTS are famous even most AND played by people in the world.

FuRthermore, sport not only for adult even men and women can exercise it. SPORTS ARE NOT ONLY FOR ADULTS, MEN, OR WOMEN, ANYONE CAN PLAY IT. Any kinds of sport can be played by all of them without seen CONSIDERING their ages or gender.

Thus, sport is a game or physical activity that has many affiliate, such as: football, bungee jumping and swimming. More over sports is aim to maintain or improve physical ability, make healthy and can be played by all of people

- AVOID REDUNDANCIES WHEN YOU ARE WRITING. LEARN TO PARAPHRASE YOURSELF IN ORDER TO AVOID STATEMENT REPETITIONS SUCH AS THE ABOVE.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: Advice from a supervisor is more valuable than some hint from a co-worker [4]

Kichan, it is very impressive to read that you have based your response to the prompt on your personal experience. That is definitely going to increase your chances of a better grade as it shows a high level of English comprehension skills. While your grammar does require some work in some parts of the essay, the line of reasoning that you wish to present remained clear an unaffected by the little, almost negligible mistakes in grammar and sentence structure.

However, the essay could have been better if you had done a comparison of the ways that advice taken from a co-worker, as in the scenario that you explained, would not have been as valuable or useful as the advice of a person with experience or authority. By comparing the two on a concrete level, you would have further enhanced your stand and proven your opinion to the reader.

Regardless of the little problems, this is still a well written essay that would have gotten a good mark had this been the actual test :-)

Scholarship / My English classes. Subjects I've Excelled in - Gates Millennium [5]

Hi Kerry, I revised and polished your response, coming up with 213 words. The topic you chose to present was interesting and the way you showed your constant progress and development as a writer was truly interesting to read. I just had to fix a few parts and restate some things to make it sound more academic in nature. Overall, it was a pretty well written draft :-)

Actions speak louder than words. However, for me now, it's the opposite. My English classes helped me learn that words can actually speak louder than action at times. I wasn't always this fond of English because of its difficulty but that was a reason for my growth. My freshman year, the constant stress of writing annoyed me. Writing a paper meant spending ž of my time staring at the prompt , trying to figure out what to talk about and ź of the time writing only to constantly revise it.

The constantly mediocre papers I wrote frustrated me as I couldn't figure out how to grow as a writer. It took some time but I eventually learned that I needed to listen better in English class and then properly apply my lessons to my written work. I learned what to do in my English classes to progress: practice.

Every paper, I found myself learning from my mistakes and adjusting my writing style to prevent the errors from repeating. Though I still spent hours staring at a prompt, I became confident with my writing abilities. I combined my newly acquired skills of becoming engaged with my prompt topic and practiced applying my skill , all of which allowed me to grow as a writer.

Feel free to either use this essay or revise it to a point that you would comfortable using it :-) I'll assist you whenever you need it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The Table and The Bar - forms of transportation used for journeys in some countries [8]

I am not really sure about what you are asking, but I will hazard a guess and respond that yes, Canadians use cars 90% of the time according to the chart, making it the highest ranking transportation type. Would you like me to write my version of the chart in this thread so that you can see how the essay could have been better presented? It isn't really hard to do for a native speaker, but the ESL students sometimes need to see an example of how to correctly write the essay before being a chance to write their own. If you think that my writing a better version of your summary report will help you learn, then I am more than willing to do that for you :-)

The conclusion you wrote is acceptable. You summarized the content of the chart yet again and provided additional information in the process. While the language is not as good as it can be, you still managed to write a solid conclusion based upon the information you were provided with.

Don't worry about your writing weaknesses. Those should improve or completely disappear as you continue to practice writing. We will make sure that your skills improve over time. Just be patient and don't worry so much about it at the start :-) All the exam takers here show improvement with their written skills as their test date nears.

Undergraduate / To be a patient and a volunteer alternately - Johns Hopkins Supplemental 'interests' essay [3]

Christopher, try to balance out your discussion by properly representing each aspect as indicated in the prompt. As the university explains, there are a host of opportunities available to students both academically and socially at John Hopkins, so you should make sure to reflect the kind of well rounded development that you have the opportunity to experience there.

Right now, your essay sounds more whimsical and more concentrated on the extra curricular and socio-civic aspect of the learning experience. There is a clear lack of academic concentration which can help to explain how you will develop as a student at the university. What kind of classes would be of interest to you and why? You can continue with your whimsical narrative, just include the academic experience that you plan to build on as well. After all, JHU is a place for education and there is a reason and purpose for your opting to attend that school. Make sure that the reviewer realizes that in the essay.

Undergraduate / Main essay: International student reflecting on a time when challenged a belief or idea [2]

Xu, your observation and participation in the override vote is admirable. However, that is not the point of the essay. You were supposed to challenge a belief or idea that you were involved in on a more personal level. While the reduction in the teaching staff could have a direct effect on your education in the United States, I found that there was an even more compelling belief or idea that you had previously challenged which would have better captured the interest of the reviewer. The challenge I speak of is the following:

Once, in China, where I was taught to regard teachers as absolute authorities, I spoke up and questioned a teaching form that relied too heavily on self-study. In my view, this approach failed to help students when they hit a roadblock in class. My peers consequently struggled in class, and as the AP Center representative I felt compelled to speak up. Unfortunately, my criticism fell on deaf ears because a fifteen-year-old's voice was not significant. Was noticing a class's situation inappropriate? Was positive feedback the only acceptable feedback from students? It was so frustrating to witness the entire student body passively accept an education that disappointed us, without hope for positive change.

This is something that would interest the reviewer more because of the fascination with the way that the Chinese system works. Tell the reviewer more about how you spoke up. Who did you speak to? Did you try to elevate your concern to some higher education authority? Maybe there was something about your actions that taught you a lesson that you will never forget? Whether you succeeded in swaying the opinion of the educators or not, the point is that you spoke up and challenged an authority.

Now having been influenced by Western educational ways, if you had to go back to China and study under the system again, do you think that you would still challenge the belief or idea regarding the educational system? Why would you do that? Those are the scenarios and interesting information that can help your essay better stand out. You already have your introductory paragraph above, just build upon it :-)

Undergraduate / A semicircle sun in Mongolia and fashion - confronting an idea or belief essay [2]

Anar, this is an unusual response to the prompt. If handled properly, it should turn into a unique response that should catch the eye of the reviewer. The immediate problem of your essay though, it that it is running too long with just the introduction of the belief or idea that you want to challenge. Learn to use paragraphs properly. Edit the backstory, shorten it to jump to the Mercedes Benz Fashion Show at the end of the introduction paragraph. You should have already stated what the belief or idea you are challenging is. Make it very clear to the reviewer.

After stating the idea, explain the reasons why you had a feeling that you had to challenge it. What obstacles stood in your way that told people around you that you would not succeed? Why were you forced to react to the messages of people around you that did not support your belief about yourself?

Come into your third paragraph with a show of confidence and force. Relate how you proved these people wrong and how you did it. Then jump to your concluding paragraph where you should summarize your essay and then close by telling the reviewer if you will make the same decision if you had to live your life over and face the same situation again or not. Give some reasons supporting that decision and your essay will be all set for editing :-)

Scholarship / Difficult problematic subjects - Gates Millennium Scholarship [7]

Kerry, this is definitely an essay that can be put into its final version. I hope you won't mind that I did that for you. It increased in word count to 428 but it is an increase that improved the content of your essay. Let me know if this version is something you can use as is, use as a template, or if you want to add anything more to it :-)

Though I excelled in Math enough to advance a year ahead, I relied on a false sense of confidence to help manage my high grades. "Confidence" plus stubbornness prevented any effort to further improve my study habits, ask for help, and do my homework properly. I began to face my academic weaknesses in the 8th grade with Accelerated Geometry. Its difficulty required extra effort on my part and yet I convinced myself that my abilities that had previously placed me at a high honors level would once again reveal itself in the end, that is not what happened..

Both 6th grade Pre-Algebra and 7th grade Algebra began as a challenge, but over time I improved without changing my habits. Mistaking complacency for confidence, I foolishly repeated the same cycle the next year. It resulted in no improvement and a low grade. My immature mindset continued well into my sophomore year in Accelerated Pre-Calculus. Believing that I would never succeed in the class, I never worked to my fullest ability. My insecurities focused more on what I couldn't do than what I could do so I gave up.

My goal after failing Accelerated Pre-Calculus was to build real confidence in my math abilities during my junior year. Beginning with regular Pre-Calculus, I focused on proving my work ethic. I reversed my sophomore year mistakes by applying better habits; I did my homework right away, studied well for quizzes and tests, and I used my class time wisely. Approaching my teacher to request advancing to AP Prep was the testament to my hard work.

AP Prep Pre-Calculus expanded my mind toward the subject with its challenges. I progressed by learning how to mature as a student; I became engaged by taking detailed notes, asking my teacher and peers for guidance, and honing my skills by doing practice tests during my off time. Rather than reverting to my previous stubborn attitude, I adjusted and showed continued improvement.

From Accelerated Geometry and Accelerated Pre-Calculus, I came to realize that complacency kills. As I was so confident in my skills, I was unaware of my problem areas before it was too late and acceptance and laziness came as a result. With regular and AP Prep Pre-Calculus, I learned from my mistakes by adapting. Looking at everything I couldn't easily do as encouragement. I experimented with and implemented various studying habits. Though it's a subject that will always challenge me, I approach not only Math, but all my classes, with a determination to succeed; not with high grades, but with insights to apply later.

Undergraduate / Pomona Supplement Essay - Human Robot and Art [6]

Caitlyn, where does the explanation of the "Human robot" come in? You wrote a lot about the aesthetic basis of the seminar, but there was no clear reference to the definition and purpose of the human robot in terms of relation to your course title. I think that in order to properly develop this seminar, you will need to present a number of discussions within it.

The first discussion should cover the introduction to the topic. Then follow it up with an explanation about the definition, purpose, and other related topics in relation to the "Human Robot". After that, concentrate on the merging of the human robot with your art discussion. Somehow, I don't see a connection between the human robot and the changing ideals of the Arts throughout time. You will need to explain that.

Keep in mind that these Critical inquiry courses are designed to help ease you into college life. It is mostly a written essay seminar or something as far as I know. So don't over complicate the discussion. Just make sure that the topic you choose to critically study is something related to your major or something that you are really interested in. The idea behind this is just to familiarize yourself with college level writing. So keep the topic simple, interesting, and achievable :-)