Undergraduate / Fashion Institute of Technology Essay - Fashion Business Management [2]

I would like to help you with your essay.

You are very descriptive in your essay. I would like to help you with a sentence in your first paragraph. You discuss how fashion was flowing through the streets. I think this needs to be explained better.

"...I was truly inspired by the fashion forward looks of people traveling to their destination and the overall idea of being in a city where fashion is everywhere." The beginning of the next sentence could be revised:" I was certain that New York was where..."

The next paragraph, I don't feel you need a comma after professors. Here is an example of how you can check your comma use: Clifford, the big red dog, is seen by many children on television. The big red dog was not needed but was an addition. Your idea regarding your professors seems to add to you discussion and is needed. Excellent paragraph!

The third paragraph, I think you could have a better transition. You could begin the paragraph by stating that "in addition to my fashion and cosmetic experiences..." This is a suggestion if you would like to change it. You can write you position in lowercase letters:" business assistant co-op student".

The fourth paragraph, you could write "news editor". The last sentence state: G.P.A. of 3.5 or higher".

The last paragraph you could state: I aspire to accomplish my goals and succeed. You could place a comma after about and offer. Delete the dash before FIT (this could be a new sentence). "cosmetics and fashion marketing"- this could be lowercase. Here is a suggestion for the last sentence: "I believe that because I have a strong..."

Writing Feedback / Educating children is more difficult today [2]

I can help you with your essay. I will make it simple and only correct the mistakes.

1st paragraph: Delete more. You can make this change "...more distracting then studying." This is a suggestion: Additionally, they spend so much time being distracted that they never have a hobby.

2nd paragraph: Place a comma after opinion. "...on the internet they can find interesting information which...in class. (I'm not typing the whole sentence, but you will be able to correct your mistakes).

The next sentence, delete "the" and place a comma after it. "...demands his attention three or four times per day and he stops..." The next sentence needs to be deleted because cell phones are not mentioned.

3rd paragraph: Instead of things you could say matters. Place "the" before internet. Delete the comma after so and change the end of the sentence to "other activities". The next two sentences need these corrections: "For example, teenagers spend all their free time on social media and do not have time to have a hobby, such as playing a musical instrument like a guitar or piano, practicing sports and reading a book." "Thus, teenagers only have free time for..."

4th paragraph: Delete exposed. Place "it" before more. When you use parents, you should use "their" because this indicates more than one. If you used parent, you would be more correct in using his or her. A better word than balance is well-being.

Letters / Spanish language is my passion. Letter of motivation for internship opportunity [3]

Hello, these are only some suggestions:

Dear XXXXX,
(Dear and the name of the person should be written when you type your final copy)

1st paragraph: You can delete the quotes around your course. When you discuss the names of languages, those words need to be capitalized: I have studied the English, Spanish, and Chinese language.The next sentence change to: "During my academic studies, I had the opportunity to improve my knowledge about the Chinese language and culture and study in China." I am going to assume that this is a study abroad program too. Place "the" before Erasumus.

2nd paragraph: The first sentence revise, it should read: "My passion for the Spanish language as well as the international community was invaluable. I am convinced that doing the internship in Spain is the necessary step to be more successful in my future career. "

3rd paragraph: I apologize, but I can't understand the meaning of the first sentence. When you discuss your interest, it seems as if your focus is on learning the language (linguistics) and becoming apart of the organization. The last sentence, change are to "is".

4th paragraph: Make this sentence more personal: "My aim is to improve my study of Spanish culture through employment and social integration in Spain." "Thus, I will have greater knowledge..." Only the beginning of the next sentence needed some changes.

5th paragraph-Place a comma after requested and "a" before writing. Please feel free to contact me via telephone or e-mail if you need additional information." You can also state: Please accept my request.

Don't forget to type your name when you submit your final copy!

Writing Feedback / Analyze an Argument Task: Physical Fitness of Corpora's Citizens [4]

I can help you with some of your essay. This essay can be quite difficult. It seems as if they are linking the sales of the fitness equipment to the amount of physical activity of the residents in Corpora. I will read your response to determine if you are answering the question and give you some feedback.

I agree with your opening sentence! I will help you improve the next sentence, you could change the word order: "The author tries to prove that the real cause for the physical fitness decline in Corpora is the economy, while denying that spending too much time on the computer could be a reasonable cause." "However, the argument is suffered with has a number of questionable assumptions, which makes the argument much less convincing."

The second paragraph, you should begin it by stating, "First of all , the author assumes that was a decline..." I would suggest trying to avoid using "Because" at the beginning of a sentence. It isn't a distraction from the meaning, but there is a better way to begin the sentence. Here is a suggestion: Because neither "Also, neither the author nor the experts point ou state whether the population has been more or less the same remained steady during these 20 years. Therefore, we can't be sure of this argument.

There might be much more people now living in Corpora, and many of them are could be senior citizens that are inactive. (I think this observation is interesting. Yet, your argument needs to be stronger. Some senior citizens are very active. This is the reason why I think you should add that they are inactive). The next sentence shows compassion and consideration for seniors. Delete the word "not" in this sentence.

The next paragraph, I think the questions have slight mistakes and the last sentence should use the term "unreliable". One question mentions survey, but uses the word are rather than "is". Here is a suggestion for one of those sentences: "If not, are they using the same methodologies in the survey?"

This needs to be changed: As what has been stated before "As previously stated..."

I didn't correct everything but you definitely have analyzed this very well.

Poetry / Poverty poem. Humanity, where is your personality? [3]

I would like to help you with meaning. I enjoy writing poetry, but I think that poetry expresses what you want to convey. I will do my best to help you.

My mouth is like a despondent, inconsolable and undemonstrative concrete box, words are locked away. When I read your opening line, I think you should change the word "mouth". Would you like to use heart? If you decide to make this change, the end of the sentence would read "undemonstrative concrete box that is locked away".

Change this sentence: "Because that's what we have placed in our DNA"

"Thirty-five years from today" Change were to "we are". Place "they are" before provoked.

"As the excruciating days go by, ..." You need to use a comma because if you are reading this poem, it will help you to pause. Also you should state "children that die".

"I remember an effective life-changing and engaging advertisement on the TV..."

"To see if there is anything for us to spare"

I'm unsure about this statement: But I swear that we cannot bare. I know you are trying to think of a word that rhymes with care. Since you use spare and care, you could revise it and think of a statement where you could end with "share". It seems as if you are trying to express how we should care about others.

841 million hearts felt discern.(I am having difficult understanding what this number means). Before you end your poem, I am going to suggest this change: "Lets open some windows..."

I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / SAT Essay: Should we trust and accept common sense, or be skeptical of it? [3]

I would like to give you some feedback.

You have been practicing for quite some time. Your writing is getting stronger. When you discuss common sense, you tend to analyze it too much. Here are some helpful suggestions:

1) When you refer to common sense as transcending language this is excellent! Yet, think about those who suffer with the inability to process information. Can this speak to every person?

2) Also,using shared conscious is something that is confusing. Every person is responsible for his or her own actions.
3) I think the last sentence is your thesis. I see that you are answering the question. This is a good start.

The second paragraph fits well with your essay. The use of the title of the essay was excellent.

The third paragraph needs a transition word. You could use "In addition" and delete as well . When you use the word "ignores" this is easy to understand. You can delete common sense . Change being to "he".

I think you should continue the next sentence by explaining, "There are other pleas he ignores such as his parents requests to behave..." "Caulfield ignores it all" This should be a new sentence.

Outstanding final paragraph!

Writing Feedback / No unnecessary experiments on animals! Public should show responsibility. IELTS. [5]

I can help you improve your essay.

2nd paragraph: "Animal rights advocates argue that the animals should be treated the same as people and also they have the right to live as any other creature living on the earth."

This should be a separate sentence: and they criticize "They argue that humans do not have the right to experiment on animals, because this could cause them to suffer enormously from pain."

The next sentence delete the word further and change the remainder portion of the sentence: "...research, rather than using animals that do not have a voice to convey their dissatisfaction." Change the latter part of the next sentence "their needs are to be recognized".

Delete some words in the last sentence: "...the using animal parts as a materials such as for bags and clothes..."

3rd paragraph: Delete "firstly" I think you should delete: as it is not possible and replace this with "because it is difficult".

4th paragraph: Delete "the" before animals. The next sentence needs a change in word order. "Also, the public should endorse animal welfare as to responsible use of animals in order to use animals responsibly as well as satisfaction of satisfy human needs."

Writing Feedback / The bar chart shows that males enjoyed more leisure time than females throughout the period shown [4]

Hello, I can help you with your summary of the bar chart.

You are doing quite well with your summary. The second sentence you could delete "by far ". This is only an option if you choose, but the meaning is still good.

I noticed that the summary you gave regarding unemployed women could be an error. Although, it can be very difficult to see if a bar crosses the the line, this number seems to be slightly under 80 hours. If you have a ruler you could judge it better.

I see that you are trying to round both numbers, but I would like to help you with your sentence: "On the other hand, males and females, who worked full-time, each used approximately 40 hours of free time per week for leisure activities." Since the bar graph only uses the word leisure, I think you should continue to use that word.

The last two sentences could use some revisions:

Change the word order and use a transition: "In contrast, the spare time enjoyed by housewives and part-time working women per week was exactly 50 hours and 40 hours, respectively."

"Also, no figures were given for the house husband or part-time working men in those years." Nice work!

Undergraduate / What Luther King suggested in his quote? Critical thinking is a central goal of Jesuit education. [3]

Hello, I would like to help you with your essay.

Unfortunately, when I read the first paragraph I knew it did not answer the prompt. Yet, I would still like to help you answer the prompt. I know you have to rewrite your essay, but here is a way to think about the question more closely.

The questions has two parts:
1) Think about a situation that demanded critical thinking from you. Ex: Imagine if you are at work or school and you have to do a project or some research. You have never done the task at work nor do you have any knowledge about the topic you are researching. You need criticalthinking skills for both these tasks because you need to understand how to begin and do your best.

2) How your choices or decisions integrated intelligence and character. Ex: If you do a work assignment you could ask questions about the assignment, but you would not ask someone else to do the work for you. The same principle applies to doing a research paper. You could do the research but ask for assistance when you really need the help. This would demonstrate it is truly your work.

This essay should be your experience and discuss how you used intelligence and character. There are other examples you can use. I thought of these examples to help you understand and begin writing.

I hope this helps!

Speeches / Help me correct my introduction for my speech class about myself [4]

I can help you with your first paragraph.

I think you should introduce yourself by stating, "I was born and raised in Vietnam." The next few sentences you could discuss your family. The next sentence would read: "I have one sister who is a registered nurse. My father is retired and my mother manages a nail salon."

Then continue with the sentence that describes how this is your second year at the community college. Delete andhopefully . Next, you could change the word order:" Next year, I would like to transfer to the University of Houston to finish my Bachelor's degree in Accounting.

These are simple changes you can make. As I was reading the next few paragraphs, I noticed that your degree would be different than what you are interested in. It would be interesting if you could explain why you switched to graphic design. Will you find a job in accounting or go to graduate school for graphic design? This is just a suggestion.

I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / Teachers are more influent than friends [3]

I would like to help you with some of your essay.

Throughout the essay, change the word influent to "influential". I think you wanted to make student's plural, so you should avoid using an apostrophe before the -s in the word. Here is a suggestion for the first sentence: "It is difficult to state who are more influential in students' decisions". The next sentence should be "students' lives".

If you want to discuss phases you should separate your sentences. Here are some suggestions: In other words, "The first phase is when high school friends are more influential. The second phase and in under is after graduation when college professors are more influential."

2nd paragraph: "...listen to their teacher's advice". Here is a suggestion for this sentence: "For example, in high school, students are teenager and because of that they want to be accepted by their group of friends and listen to their advice. I think you needed to add these words because your paragraph discusses the issue of listening to advice from others. The last sentence: "imitate their friends rather than their teachers and family".

3rd paragraph: Here is another suggestion: In under graduation "After students graduate college, they are more mature and professors are more influential in their lives than their friends." Since you discuss a master's degree program, I assume that you have a degree and are discussing your own journey. I think the next sentence you should simply describe how when a person first enters a university, partying may occur but as the years progress his or her mentality changes. The next sentence place "a" before university and "my" before career. The last sentence: "a master's degree program".

Final paragraph-I think you should revise the last paragraph. The beginning is good, but then the ideas are confusing. Keep your ideas simple when you explain the phases.

Writing Feedback / Foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school. Advantage outweight disadavantages [3]

I can help your essay. I would like to focus on word choice and meaning:

1st paragraph: The first sentence should have this correction: "Nowadays Today, the importance of foreign languages has been recognized not only in the school, but also in the society." The next sentence you should make this correction: "...learning a foreign language in elementary school..."

The last sentence you should change the word overloaded to "overwhelming". Also, you should add a word throughout your entire essay when you make this statement: "at a primary school". The word "a" needs to be added before primary.

2nd paragraph: Add "a" before foreign. The next sentence you could make these changes in word order: First, there has been little scientific research into such in that suggests which age children learn language much better. so there is an evidence to support the above idea .

Since there is little scientific research, the idea cannot be supported it can only be assumed that a child could learn a language. The next sentence change this word to "results" and delete this words: have enormous spaces . A better choice of words to use rather than enormous spaces is "has the capacity". The next sentence place "a" before better. You also want to end the next sentence by stating "for a long time".

The last sentence I will help you correct: They learn English in class, as well as and participate in activities, for example, such as singing, and visiting the zoo with an English-speaking tour guide, etc. Try to avoid using for example in the middle of a sentence. It is better to start a new sentence using "For example". This is the reason why I deleted those words.

3rd paragraph: The transition to use is "On the other hand". Remember overloaded should be "overwhelming". Argued should be "argue". I think you should spell the number "two semesters annually". The last sentence you can use overloaded and educational should be "education".

Final paragraph: Make this change: "...agree that a foreign language..." Also, make this last change: learned at a primary school as an optional subject and not mandatory. "

I know that there are many changes, but I think it will help you make your essay better. I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Building new sports facilities is the best way for public health?? [3]

Hello, I will help you some of your essay.

When I read the first paragraph, it made me think that you were answering another topic. Focus your essay on sport facilities and also think about who uses them, which is the public. The public would include children and adults.

I would suggest researching sports facilities. Think about who uses these facilities. Are the facilities open for people with disabilities? Is the increase in building these facilities going to make the public health's better? Also, if more facilities are built, will people use them to help improve their health?

These are some suggestions to help you with your essay. When you gather your facts, you can write a revision to your essay. I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / Zoo has no useful purpose. Do you agree or disagree? [3]

Hello, I can help you with this topic. I went to the zoo twice this year. Here are some suggestions for your essay:

1st paragraph: Here is a suggestion for your first sentence: "Many people are busy due to their hectic schedules." This sentence needs to begin as "Most people have visited..." The next sentence needs some corrections: "Some people claim that a zoo..." Coin has two sides. Remember to capitalize "I".

2nd paragraph: You should combine the first two sentences: "In a zoo, different species of animals and birds are kept so people can see them." Remember to capitalize "They" at the beginning of your sentence. Change the word order in this sentence: "Families can enjoy their time together and relax by visiting the zoo".

Now, I would like you to start a new paragraph with this sentence.
"Also, the zoo saves many different species which are on the brink* of extinction." "In a zoo..." Change the next sentence: "...zoos like a safari park, a big.." When you begin the next sentences, I think you should place "The" before zoo.

*Some may use the term brink to describe extinction.

Daily breads should be "work". This sentence can be changed: "We cannot preserve all species". The last sentence should read: "It is the part of the development of a country."

3rd paragraph: "However, I think animals in a zoo cannot live their life as they live in their natural habitat". Place "a" before large. Place "the" before internet.

4th paragraph: Remember to capitalize "In" and "I" at the beginning of your paragraph. Change the word order in the last sentence. "However, the zoo still..."

Writing Feedback / Essay: Travelling & Tourism - if you don't afraid to take the risk then go ahead [2]

I can help you with your essay.

1st paragraph: Some people may see the positive side of travelling to somewhere else, while other people might only be able to see the flip side of it, or even though they can see both sides, bad things may be more important for them rather than the good things. I'm unsure about this sentence, it is difficult to understand so I think it should be deleted.

There needs to be some words added: I think you should state that some people may had difficulty travelling because of the costs, while others can afford to travel to other countries to learn the language and culture of each country they visit.

Place a comma after "Thus".

2nd paragraph: When you use natural areas, this is more than one area, so change is to "people are" in this sentence. I think you need to explain the dangers of visiting the Coral Reef in Australia now that it is disappearing.

Change part of this sentence to: "many of them may them have experienced dangerous situations. For example, an Argentinean girl, who disappeared in Uruguay, was later found dead."*

*When you are retelling a story that appeared in the news, if you use the word "appeared" it may seem like the person is still alive.

4th paragraph: This is a really good paragraph! There is a slight change you should make by changing the word order: "Also, some may travel as an escape from their problems."

5th paragraph: I'm unsure if you are over the word count, but you could add another sentence if you are under the word count. Here are some suggestions for your last paragraph: Taking everything into account In summary, it is my firm belief that if people like travelling and do not care about the risks, then they can do as they wish. but do not Yet, they should not try to..."

Graduate / First time writing an essay for admission to Master Degree in MEDIA MANAGEMENT at Fordham Uni. [2]

I can help you with your essay.

1st paragraph: "power of the media-this word needs to be all lowercase letters.
Also, a word need to place" shed light regarding".
When you describe minimum damage, this is not specific. Do you mean part of media management is ensuring the media equipment is working at it's maximum capability? Then ensuring there is minimal damage and maximum benefits is more understandable to your reader.

2nd paragraph: "media" should be in all lowercase letters. The second sentence place a comma after "then". I think you should describe PS, rather than use the abbreviation.

Here is a suggestion to correct this sentence: "Also, I have achieved a long-awaited recognition and position as the Head of Design." I'm unsure what type of recognition you received. Was it the Head of Design too?

The correct use of capitalizing media in your essay was when you described your major in the first paragraph. This is the only exception. When you see the word "media" in the next paragraphs, it should be in all lowercase letters.

3rd paragraph: Change part of the second sentence:"... furthering my academic studies after graduation, I spent most of my time working part-time jobs." The next sentence change have to "had". You could use the word "sporadic(which means occasional)" or the word "intermittent" (stop and start) rather than here-and-there. Did you work in China? I was unsure why China was being discussed in this sentence. Please explain.

The last sentence, change the beginning of the sentence:" Now I know if I want to achieve career success and master the use of media,..."

4th paragraph: Change the word order at the end of the first sentence:" to further my education." Change workspace to job.

Change the beginning of this sentence:
"I am proud to say that the years...". You could end your essay with this sentence.

I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / Relationship should be for eternity - nothing else in this world can last forever [2]

I would like to help you with some of your essay.

I will focus on two paragraphs. There are some missing words and incorrect use of words. Here is a correction for your second sentence: "Yet, there is nothing in this world that can last forever, except a relationship." The next sentence delete "the" before precious.

The secondparagraph, I'm a little confused by the second sentence. Do you mean that every child that comes into this world has a family? The next sentence needs a slight change: "...taken care of..." The following sentence some of the sentence needs corrections:"... our parents gave us existed the moment we entered into this world."

The next sentence:" parents was shown when we were a newborn baby." The word order needs to be corrected in the following sentence:" spent almost twenty-four hours". I think you need to change the verbs to the past tense. Some of these verbs I have placed in bold to show you the changes.

The next sentence needs these corrections:" They were always worried when we were hungry, needed changing, or became sick." I tried to help you with specific terms in the essay that I think should be avoided so I replaced them with words such as " changing and became".

The next two sentences, I will help you with word choice: "...irreplaceable and it will last our entire lives". You could use "Therefore" to begin the last sentence. Also, the word "an" should be placed before eternity.

I hope this helps you!

Writing Feedback / Transport by a train, airplane, underground, coach, bicycle, motorcycle, etc. should be encouraged [2]

Hello, I can help you with your essay.

1st paragraph: I think you should delete the first word in your essay. You should begin the essay with the word "Private". I'm unsure what you mean when you state the numbers in the second sentence.

Here is a suggestion, but you should also look at your source: "This is notable in developed countries such as the United of Kingdom where more than 30 million cars appeared over a century." Since you use 100 years, I changed it to a century. The last sentence you should change the word are to "is".

As I was looking at your paper, I also thought you needed to identify the three main reasons, so I looked through the paper and I am going to suggest this change for your last sentence: "It seems to me that the idea of regulating the ownership of private cars is excellent for three main reasons: reducing pollution, preventing traffic congestion, and providing cheaper transportation modes."

2nd paragraph: I would suggest using the word "used" in the first sentence of your essay. Also you separate the word "every where". Those two words should be combined: "everywhere". The next sentence you should use a comma rather than a colon after "For example".

You could also state "respiratory diseases". The reader will know it involves the respiratory system.

This sentence needs a revision:
"In addition, the wastes of old cars or its constituents like tires, which when thrown and buried on the land, can contaminate the natural resources of the country."The last sentence you should place a comma after Earth and delete the word "small".

3rd paragraph: You should use a better transition. Here is a suggestion: "Another visible or evident problem is traffic congestion". Add the word "is" after Kong in the next sentence. Also, describe the population as "an increase in population". The next sentence change that to "this". Place a comma after workers.

4th paragraph: Change nowadays to "today". Place "the" before airplane. Place a comma after "example". Add "a" before motorcycle. This sentence needs to be in the past tense. Ex: "Another example occurred when Japan built the most technological train in the world that transferred people among cities in a few seconds and offered the comfortable and prosperous services for travelers. The past tense verbs are in bold to show you the changes in the sentence.

5th paragraph: Change argues to "argument" and warrant to "warrants". Change transport to transportation. I think the last sentence is confusing. You can be more specific in explaining how humans can reduce their use of private cars to save the planet.

Writing Feedback / Living up to the accustomed standard -Cbest writing practice essay [3]

I would like to help you with some of your essay.

I can focus on sentence variety, meaning, and word choice.

1st paragraph: Since your audience is adults and you have to read your essay in front of them, I would suggest using father and mother. Ex: "My father did most of the driving and my mother read the map and provided directions. Delete the comma after the word "back".

I think you could also rearrange your sentence order. This sentence needs to come before the sentence that discusses how you and your siblings became bored: "In the back, of our station wagon, were my three brothers, two sister and I."

2nd paragraph: I can't identify the connection with your personal example and Oscar Wilde's statement. I think you needed to describe that you weren't concerned with unnecessary things on your journey with your family.

There is a variety of sentence structures in this paragraph, good word choice, and the meaning is clear.

Undergraduate / Educational and Career Goals: Why I want to be a mechanical engineer [3]

I can help you with your essay.

In the second paragraph, I would like to suggest changing an error: "When I went into my junior year of high school, my goals were changed drastically."

The next paragraph,you should change the word order of this sentence: "Additionally, I studied physics during my free time."

Questions:
1) I think the last two paragraphs you begin to discuss your educational plans. Yet, in the last paragraph you abruptly begin to discuss obtaining a master's degree. I would suggest first discussing that you will obtain a bachelor's degree.

2) You have to be very specific in answering this prompt. If there are more educational or career goals that pertain to mechanical engineer then you can include them.

3) I think your essay begins with how you choose your major but there are details that are included that tell a story about how you decided your major. For example, if a child always dressed her Barbie dolls in different clothing, she may aspire to be a professional stylist later in life. Yet, if she doesn't discuss her childhood, then others may not understand that this was a career she was fond of as a little girl. This is what your essay reminds me of. It was something you enjoyed, but you didn't know if it was the right career choice.

4) I think you have to feel confident, tell your story, and focus on word choice. For example, you begin one paragraph with "My goal". Some say goals and others use "passion". The difference is that if something is your passion, then your drive is based upon doing something you love. Also, think about the impact you could have on the lives of others. Will you own your own business, travel, etc? How will your efforts impact your community?

I hope this helps you!

Graduate / Responsibilities of educational institutions in regard to their students. Preparing to GRE [6]

I would like to help you with some of your essay.

I understand that there are time constraints. I will do my best not to be too critical. However, I will try to focus on word choice and any errors that exist.

1st paragraph: Instead of using where the future generation are processed to, you could use "where future generations look to" Also use the word "livelihood" or future career. I'm suggesting these simple changes so you don't feel pressured as you are preparing.

The next sentence, stay in the past tense, "have played". Since you use "In the early days", learn should be in the past tense (learned).

Most of the verbs need to be in the past tense. Here are some more verbs that need to be in the past tense: want (wanted), can(could), is(was) , are (were).

Let me show you how this sentence could be improved using past tense and deleting some words: If a student wanted to learn weapon craft like sword fight, he or she could do so. Yet, if a student was interested in any other field, then he or she could pursue science or art or commerce depending on the students .

Great comparison in the last sentence!

2nd paragraph: I would like to focus on what you are doing right in this paragraph and a few errors. As I look at the overall structure of your paper you are using transitions well at the beginning of sentences (Now, Another point of View, On the other hand). There is a sentence that would be really great but you use hence in the middle of the sentence. In this sentence you don't have to use it: "Since they are the building block of the society, hence it is their..."

I think you have a good example, but I would suggest that you state that some students may struggle in subjects such as physics. When you use your example, you could begin your sentence with "For example, I was not very good..." I will help you with the last sentence because it is a good sentence to end the paragraph: In fact, is one should focus all of his or her effort or strength in an area a major where there is a more possibility of success. i.e in to his area of strength.

Writing Feedback / An example of my leadership TTU scholarship [2]

1st paragraph: I think you should be more specific when you begin your essay. Here is a suggestion: "Throughout high school, I participated in many leadership activities."

I would like to suggest avoiding adding parties unless there is something specific that involved leadership. Ex: Coordinator of an event, etc. You could also state: "an equal amount" rather than balanced amounts.

2nd paragraph: The first sentence you could delete "ever". "Team and Tournaments should be in all lowercase letters. To simplify the last sentence you could state: "my team and an opposing team". This would indicate that there was some form of competition.

3rd paragraph: I think you team tournament should be in all lowercase letters. Also, I think you should avoid stating you booed the campers. The question says: "tell what you accomplished as a leader". Therefore, cheering is a better quality as a leader. Here is a correction for this sentence.

"They were cheering our team's chant: "G-R-E-E-N! That's the team that's going to win!"

I want to suggest having a 4th paragraph that begins with this sentence:
Therefore, I learned that leadership isn't always a conscious quality. I changed this sentence because it seems like this activity was a learning experience. I also thought this was a simpler sentence. You can add "you" after leading.

I learned that by valuing morals, I can lead people effectively and directionally. I want you to know that is a good sentence but it is confusing with the rest of the essay, so I would suggest deleting it.

Good work! I hope this helps you.

Writing Feedback / SAT Essay: good decisions vs. bad decisions [2]

I would like to help you with your thesis and word choice in this essay.

First, I would like to begin by stating that I think this is your thesis: "Bad decisions entail greater negative consequences because they lack the consideration and patience that good decisions have."

2nd paragraph: Word choice: upshots could be "positive aspects of one action"

3rd paragraph: Another correction you could make is when you state make it by, this could read "could survive on his own". Misspellings: catches,freedom, thought. You could also state instead of jumped straight into: "hurriedly made plans".

This essay had two contrasts but it was written well. The two examples, thesis, and conclusion were well-explained. There were some minor errors in spelling, but overall I thought it was good. I'm not sure what the score will be but I think your word choice is even better then the last essay and the organization of your paper and sentence structure is good. Think about these suggestions as you continue to practice.

Undergraduate / Does the course at school prepare you for work in the future? [4]

I would like to help you with choosing more descriptive words in your essay.

I really like the first sentence, but since I studied Education, I would like to help you with your sentence: "Teaching English is my dream profession." I'm sure you would agree that you don't want to view it as work, because it is something you dream of doing.

I think you should also be more specific in describing Reading 2. You could state: "The course at school, Reading 2, will help prepare me for this profession."

I would also like to give you one last suggestion. You discuss collaboration with your peers in many of the sentences. However,are you given comprehension exercises, writing assignments, etc? These lessons could help you as begin to prepare for a teaching career.

Graduate / Not everyone is aware of the importance of anesthesiology. AA-PA personal statement narrative [5]

I would like to help you with your essay.

There is a minor mistake. If you would like to change this sentence, you should use his or her because you state "the patient" which indicates only one person.

"The anesthetist informs the patient of the surgery and attempts to calm his or her nerves before surgery." If you want to be more specific you can replace "administer anesthesia" to replace attempts, which was stated in the previous post.

I think you should change the word order in the next sentence and possibly separate the duties of the anesthetist: "During the surgery, the anesthetist monitors and ensures the patient is stable. during the surgery and After the surgery is performed, the anesthetist informs the patient of the results of the surgery."

Here is a suggestion to help you make changes to the last sentence in the 2nd paragraph:
I, then, "After that observation, I realized that I did not want to become a physician, but rather an anesthesiologist assistant. because I wanted to provide that administrative and same comforting experience for the patients and their loved ones."

The next paragraph, you can rearrange one word: "Also, I was happy to find out that there would be an anesthesiologist available for guidance if it was ever required."

The last paragraph you mention in hard time, but you could change that to: "during difficult times".

I'm unsure when you received a bad grade. However, I will give you a suggestion if it happened during this time frame. In beginning of the second paragraph you discuss your uncertainty regarding your career path. You could state another uncertainty existed because you received a bad grade due to family health issues. Then the next sentence would discuss how shadowing in the healthcare field made a difference.

Also, I would like to address using anesthetist and anesthesiologist. When I researched the two terms, I see that there is a difference in training. If you are confident you are using the terms appropriately, then you shouldn't have to make changes.

Writing Feedback / SAT Essay: Are people defined by their occupations? [2]

I can help you again. I will try to focus on your thesis.

The first paragraph, I would suggest "eat him alive" or you could you describe it as "bothers his conscious". The first two paragraphs are two different examples. Yet, both examples not only answer the question about stereotypes, but also relate to the thesis.

The reader can understand that one's occupation should not be used to identify or describe the person.

The last paragraph, I want to suggest stating "with their vocations".

This is a really simple but good essay. There were minor errors. I'm not sure how to grade it, but I would suggest continuing on this same path.

I know there are time constraints, but excellent work!

Writing Feedback / Successful people are willing to examine new things and take risks - they can't accept routine [2]

I would like to help you with your essay.

I would like to give you some suggestions for the first paragraph.
1st sentence: I think you should delete "extremely correct".
The latter part of that sentence you should delete these words: inthat , thisway . You should replace these words with, "Thus".

I'm unsure what you are trying to describe when you refer to successful people as being more sophisticated. Do you mean successful?

2nd paragraph: Here is a suggestion to make the beginning of the sentence simpler: "First, by doing new things, successful..."

Another sentence would be better as a separate idea. "As a result, they do not have the chance to be faced with problems they have to overcome nor acquire new knowledge." Delete the comma after "But". Place a period after area. I'm not sure if you mean "areas of their life".

The next sentence should state: "Consequently, they take advantage of learning new things." The end of the paragraph needed to be more specific.

3rd paragraph: You could use a transition word to begin the paragraph:" Furthermore, by taking risks successful people would be able to gain new experiences."

Join the next two sentences together, here the correction: "To illustrate, imagine a company owner who does not take the risk of producing new products" You should use a transition word to begin the next sentence, "Unfortunately, he..." The last words in this paragraph should be "will be".

4th paragraph: I think the beginning of the paragraph needs a better summary. Also, don't use high time. The word "time" would be better to use.

I hope this helps you.

Undergraduate / Self- Reflection Personal Statement For UC admissions [4]

There are some words that can be deleted in your essays. This will help to reduce your sentences.

Ex: however, to me it was a mixed bag. "However, although there were some memorable moments in my childhood, a majority of those moments were overshadowed by my shyness and social anxiety."

2nd paragraph: The first sentence could begin with: "For example, I have battled XXXXXXX for many years..." (The XXXX stands for your condition, but as you can see, there are fewer words in the description).

You can combine these sentences: This fear I had within myself, The fear I experienced sucked diminished the joy out of in my life, because I could never really fit into a crowd. I had always felt that I was the odd man of a group even with and felt self-conscious around my closest friends.

This revision is close to the end of your discussion about video games. I first deleted the sentences and made the revision below: I was angry at the fact that I could not be the man my parents wanted to be and was angry at myself for all of the mistakes that I had committed. I tried to turn to my parents and friends for help but felt too ashamed to admit my mistakes.

Here is a suggestion to combine these sentences: "I was angry over my mistakes and the disappointment I caused my parents, but I felt too ashamed to admit my mistakes."

I would like to continue with grammar errors, but I want to focus on reducing the words in your essay. I think your description of martial arts is too much. I will try to help you condense it. My suggestion is to delete these sentences:

I had quit many of the classes that I had no passion for, in which my parents enrolled into, which only worsened the feeling of not being someone who had achieved something in life.

Reflecting back on my marital arts journey, the only regret that I have about training in martial arts is not being able to join sooner. This sentence needs to be deleted because you journey is not over, because you discuss that your training is limited.

This is only some help. I think there are still some grammar issues, but you are very good at telling your story. This made it difficult to condense your story. It was very difficult to choose which sentence should be deleted. My advice would be to think about what really matters. Is it the video games or martial arts? The subject you feel will help your personal statement will have greater detail and you will feel confident discussing it, but the other subject will have less details.

Speeches / An ice-breaker speech for my speech class [4]

I can help you with your speech.

First, I would like to give you a correction. "My life began in a small town not too far from here." Here is a suggestion for the second sentence: "When I was a little girl, I always wanted to be someone who knows where she's headed in life."

Here are a few more adjustments you can make to these sentences: " I like small crowds and I enjoy hanging out in places that are not too loud." "In my spare time I'm either browsing the internet or doing something unproductive with my life." The end of the paragraph, just change the first part of the sentence to: "They taught me to be contented with what I have.."

Here are some suggestions to help you add more material:
1) What is your small town like in comparison with the campus?
2) What made you choose that particular school to attend?
3) How did you feel when you arrived on campus?
4) Was there a fun activity or something exciting that happened on campus your first week? (i.e. the university I attended had welcome week and we were able to get to know our classmates by participating in activities with them)

5) What is your major?
6) What are your future goals?

These are just some questions to think about and help you to brainstorm about what you should write next.

Essays / Discuss the development of myocardial infarction; an opening line [6]

I can help you with your essay.

I took an anatomy and physiology course a long time ago. Here is a tip: Try to read your paper and ask yourself: Am I writing about a structure of the body and how it functions?

I think you are being very specific in describing the heart, what happens to the blood vessels, and what happens if there is a disturbance. You are doing good so far.

I believe you want suggestions to correct you paper too. I think the first sentence you should separate into three sentences. "The process of a heart attack... our heart for normal heart functions. (I am only giving you parts of the sentence that need correction which is the beginning and ending.).

The next two sentences you can correct these errors to the beginning and end of the sentences: "The disturbance.... one developing myocardial infarction." "This condition results from a complete blockage of an artery that supplies blood to an area of the heart."

Research Papers / Curing Yourself the Natural Way [3]

I would like to help you with some of your essay. You have many questions in your first paragraph. I am going to suggest revising this because the sentences can become confusing to the reader.

Here is an example to help you:" Therefore, it is important to value your life and make the right choices". This is a simple statement without a question. Also, it can lead to your next sentence which seems to be a fact taken from a source.

Another sentence that is quite similar can be changed. Instead of using "why", you could use "...they could change their diet and reverse the disease altogether."

Towards the end of the paragraph, you should change the placement of a comma, "Many don't believe it, but..."

Graduate / Master's in Anesthesia program - personal narrative essay [2]

I would like to help you with your essay.

The last sentence of the first paragraph, you should place a period after success. Then begin a new sentence that begins with, "Yet, in the end with sheer will and hard work, he became a prolific member of society while making a difference in every person's life that he was blessed to be in."

The next paragraph, I am going to suggest a change of word choice for part of the sentence:"... shaped, I cannot help but to reminisce about my past experiences and struggles I once had, and those that I contend with today.

The next sentence is a run-on sentence because it has too much information. You can separate your details by forming new sentences. I'm unsure if you mean your aspirations and dreams have transformed you. However, this should be the end of your sentence. The next sentence you should discuss motivating "at least one person in this lifetime". The following sentence should begin with, "I care for each member..."

The last sentence you could use less words. Here is a suggestion to improve the last sentence in the paragraph: "...worlds, I have been given the opportunity to fulfill my promise to help people."

Writing Feedback / 'People should give up their cars to save the earth.' Do you agree or disagree? [2]

I would like to help you further with some paragraphs you have written.

2nd paragraph: This sentence you use however and fortunately but you only need one word. "Fortunately, the innovation of cars has unraveled those problems in numerous ways".

There is a missing word in the next sentence "...growth of the global economy..." I would also like to make a suggestion. You could use "expanding" rather than opening up the car industry.

The last sentence in the paragraph, I would like to give you a suggestion: "Moreover, more people were feeling safe and secure then traveling because of this new invention."

3rd paragraph: I think you need a good transition to help you begin the third sentence. Ex: "To solve the problem, scientists..."

I'm not sure what you mean by restraint on cars. Do you mean there was restraint on producing cars?

4th paragraph: The last sentence is confusing because of word order. The subject and verb should go in this order. "Everyone should be encouraged...". I'm unsure if you want to state that they need to be encouraged to drive a car because they are a blessing.

Writing Feedback / SAT Essay: Do people view things from the same perspective? [5]

I can help you with some of your essay. I would like to focus on your thesis.

Thesis: "In lifestyle and in culture, different people will always adopt different perspectives on the same topic." I think the word order was confusing. This is not the perfect thesis but a suggestion I thought of: "In fact, different people have adopted different perspectives on the same topic,such as their lifestyle or culture."

Let me help to explain the relevance of the suggestion I have written for a thesis statement:
Relevance: The thesis statement mentions different people adopting different perspectives on lifestyle.
Gatsby: Lifestyle, new money
Buchanan:Lifestyle, old money

The thesis statement mentions different people adopting different perspectives on culture:
People in the west-culture, depth and light
People in the east-culture, shape and line

If you look at what I have outlined, you can see that the 2nd paragraph seems to relate to the thesis. However, the third paragraph the word people is missing. It should state, " People's views on fine arts in the western and eastern regions demonstrates these discrepancies." Yet, describing depth and light and shape and line is analyzing the art. You could have described how those in the western and eastern region drew inspiration from their culture to make artwork,which is seen in how the west depicts emotions and the east chooses graphics.

Undergraduate / 'severe case of asthma' - UC personal statment about my world in which I grew up [4]

I will help you with some of your essay. Although it was interesting to read how you connect solving puzzles to making a program, I think you could add a few more sentences or a paragraph about your dreams and aspiration, which seems to be a computer programmer. You leave the reader wanting more details about your dreams.

Here are a few corrections for each paragraph:

Paragraph 1: There is only a slight change for the beginning of this sentence. "For most of my early childhood I was confined..."

The next sentence, place "and" before playing. The following sentence, place a comma after "about".

Paragraph 2: There are some missing commas in your essay. This is a sentence that needs a comma before "I".

"As I put the pieces together, I saw the distant green trees and the river running from the top of the mountain."

The last sentence needs a comma before "I". "As I got older, I was..."

Paragraph 3: "making puzzles"

I would replace and so on with "etc".

Paragraph 4: Here is a suggestion for part of the second sentence: "...but I get that same feeling when I make puzzles". Place a comma after code.

Essays / 'The Odyssey' - Beginning my term paper; How do I begin? [4]

Hello, I can help you further.

"Who determines the course of events in the Odyssey, gods or humans?"

First, when you begin your essay, you should remember to also think about whether the gods had control of events, leaving humans powerless. Also, you should determine if humans had power or was it taken away by the gods because of their actions.

If you begin your essay you could choose to focus on this sentence: The gods in "The Odyssey" are constantly interfering in human affairs. This could help you with the body of your essay because if the gods are interfering, they could determine the course of events and you would have to find details to support your answer.

"What does your answer tell us about ancient Greek attitude towards fate, the gods, and human agency?"

I really think that you may need to do research regarding the specific attitude of ancient Greeks and their beliefs.

Undergraduate / Apply Texas Essay C, How my Achievements have prepared me for mechanical engineering [3]

I can help you with your essay. I think you are doing an excellent job with your writing! Discussing your interest in energy efficiency is superb! I recently saw some young teens discussing this with a leading manufacturer. This is a topic that is important and something that future engineers may aspire to achieve.

I would like to address some errors in your paper.

First, I'm confused when you state: all of my class GPAs. I'm unsure if this is because you were home schooled. Here is a suggestion: "Throughout high school, my grade point average was 3.5 or higher. I'm not sure if there are semesters or quarters when you are home schooled, but I think this is a better way to explain your GPA.

Also, separate these sentences. "In my junior year, I was elected as the vice president of the National Homeschool Honor Society". "During my senior year, I was elected president of the NHHS.

Change this sentence: "I also learned how to balance my homework when I joined the drama club and sign language club." At the end of the paragraph, I would discuss how this kind of discipline will help you in the field of engineering.

The next paragraph, place a comma after school. Here is a simple way to state this sentence: "I was able to experience firsthand the work of an engineer." You could also use "job duties" instead of work.

Delete some words at the beginning of this sentence and use the change in the ending from the last post for this sentence: "All of This further motivated me to study about physics and to learn about..." If you use suppose to at the end of the sentence from the last post, change it to "supposed to".

The end is abrupt. Did you want to make it "sustainable for future generations"?

Undergraduate / Asian Family / Self-Esteem - 'Bump in the road' UCF ESSAY HELP [5]

I would like to help you with more changes to your essay.

When you discuss that you went to a friend's house to get something you should use the past tense at the end of the sentence Change it to:" had forgotten".

The next sentence could have fewer words:" I didn't tell my parents where I was going, because I thought I would return home in less than ten minutes."

Try to avoid using but to start sentences. For example, the next sentence you can start the sentence in this manner:" When I arrived home, my parents were waiting and I know they were worried." Combine sentences:" Although I am an adult, they took away my keys and my phone." Start a new sentence using: "At that point,...".

I will only correct the changes in the next sentence: "Before I could get downstairs,... asked where the keys were so... tried to get into the car." These verbs are now in the past tense because your story was in the past. I have placed those verbs in bold so you can see the changes.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say "then they left since Friday". You could delete those words and the sentence will be easier to understand.

There are two sentences that need to be formed. I think the first sentence should read:
" Then my dad pulled into the driveway and told me to wake up my boyfriend's parents." Yet, I didn't want to because I knew the woke up... but my dad insisted. If you use insisted, this means he continued to ask.

Start the next sentence with "After" and you want to state" in my time of need". Also, state" trust in me".

I think when you describe your personality and double life it seems confusing with the story. You could end the sentence with the word "opinions".

Be careful with capitalizing words. You should capitalize "My" when you begin a sentence. Yet, "my family" should be in all lowercase letters. You should also say "always put me down".

Place a period after sometimes. I'm not sure if you want to say you feel negative thoughts or downhearted instead of clam or insulting. Also, water works could indicate you have a temper. If you don't get into verbal fights, you could explain that at times you are able to express yourself.

Undergraduate / Asian Family / Self-Esteem - 'Bump in the road' UCF ESSAY HELP [5]

I can help you. Here are some suggestions: You can use less words in your first sentence:

"Throughout my life, I have been through many bumps in the road." You should use throughout because you say you are still having these bumps in the road.

Elder should be plural, change it to elders.

This is a suggestion for this sentence: "In my case, my parents are strict". In the next sentence, delete ofthat . Place a comma after example. Place a period after off.

Start a new sentence, "Yet, that's already been done and I always..." "It has happened before."

I will try to help you tomorrow!

Undergraduate / All of my goals derive from my passion for problem solving and helping others. College Application [4]

I can help you with your essay. You state that you plan to major in psychology. It definitely takes many of the skills and discipline you have gained in your high school curriculum. Please allow me to suggest some changes in each paragraph that could help you with your essay.

The first paragraph helps the reader to understand what your major will be. This is good! The second paragraph is good too, because you connect advanced courses with your ability to succeed in a college environment.

I think in the third paragraph, you need to make a connection between the skills you have learned and your career goals. You want to show how this will help you achieve your goals. For example, after the last sentence you could state how those skills you have acquired will be necessary when you major in psychology. The other details about calculus and trigonometry are not in reference to the debates so it can be a little confusing to the reader.

In this fourth paragraph you state: "Participating in my high school's Robotics team has made me into a more well-rounded student and team player." How would you be a team player as a psychiatrist? This may take a little investigating into the nature of working in this field to determine how you can be a team player. I will assume that being in robotics allowed you to be analytical and meticulous or careful. Are these skills that can be used in the field of psychology?

I think you will benefit from using transitions to begin each paragraph. Here are some suggestions:

1st paragraph: You use Because of this, but you could use "As a result".

2nd paragraph: The first and second sentence could be switched. The first sentences needs these revisions: "In previous years, I have prepared myself by taking all the advanced courses I could (mathematics, science, English and social studies),and in doing so, have broadened interests and understanding of the involved fields to broaden my interests and understand of different fields."

The next sentence will begin with: "By taking advanced courses,..." Engineering should be in all lowercase letters. Instead of using bettered, I would suggest using "improved".

3rd paragraph: To make better transitions, you can take ideas in the last sentence to transition to a new paragraph. Ex: "I also challenged myself by participating in UIL Academic competitions, which helped me excel in mathematics, science, and speech."

4th paragraph: "In addition, participating..." or you could use Furthermore to begin the sentence.

5th paragraph: Since you are trying to end your essay, take information from the question and begin the next paragraph. Ex: Thus, my academic and extracurricular activities will help me as I prepare me for my career as a psychiatrist. Another transition you could use is "Therefore".

6th paragraph: Change bettered, you can use words such as "helped" "helped me to improve" as replacements. "All considered" could be substituted with "Therefore".

I know this is a lot of input. When you use transitions it will help you with your writing.