Undergraduate / "My Hidden Treasure" - University of Illinois Essay [9]

However, there's more to Young Life than just camp, there's service projects and yard sales that the teenagers take part in as well as weekly meetings.

This is a comma splice -- two complete sentences spliced together with a comma rather than separated with a period or properly joined with a semi-colon. To fix the punctuation, replace the comma after "just camp" with either a semi-colon or a period. (I'd choose a period.) However, you're still left with the problem of weak verbs. I like the "there's more to Young Life than..." as this plays on the common phrase "there's more to life than..." but the rest needs to be strengthened. I'd suggest:

However, there's more to Young Life than just camp. Participants volunteer with service projects, stage yard sales, and attend weekly meetings.

Undergraduate / how to reply an letter of acceptance [18]

I'll let other forum members have at your draft. I'll just note that you can find sample business letters all over the internet and that you should probably consult those to make sure that you format the letter itself correctly, in terms of addresses, date, salutations, and signature.

Essays / Management Essay - Self-chosen topic: "Power - Strategic Management Tool". [16]


So, what we are talking about here is not an essay but, rather, a thesis?


The very first thing you will need to do is to define and operationalize "power." You need to do this first in your own mind, in order to guide which references that use the word will, in fact, fit within your conception of it. Because the word is used variously and generally, you will also need to define it very early in your thesis, briefly in the introduction and then more comprehensively either in your methods section or in a definitions section prior to your literature review.

I see that you have included a definition section in your outline, but this outline is more appropriate for an essay or term paper than for a thesis. Please clarify which you are writing.

Undergraduate / Georgetown School of Foreign Service Transfer Essay [11]

I'd say go with number 1 and expend your time editing it down rather than doing new research. What they want to see is a sample of your research and analytical thinking skills. Back-date the essay to when it was current or just include a note stating that this was your assessment as of the date you wrote it. Or, if you can do a little research, just add a coda of a single paragraph summarizing events since you wrote the essay.

Scholarship / I have studied intensively, especially maths and physics for the past twelve years - scholarship [38]

Throughout my tenure, I worked hard to make beneficial changes in both school and society.D riven by my desire to meet my own high expectations, I improvedand my academic performance improved as well. The most important thing when I accomplished any assignment was that I wished to dedicate my entire life for the benefit of community as a leading role .

Writing Feedback / Your decision to enter the education field - CBEST Essay pratice [10]

I'm not so sure: Mark Twain wrote several humorous essays in the first person voice of a wrong-headed narrator. This may not be the kind of humor you appreciate (it's not my favorite either), but we cannot flatly say that it's not funny or doesn't work. Within American literature in particular, I believe there is a tradition of this kind of humorous essay. David Sedaris sometimes writes purportedly funny essays in the New Yorker in this vein. I find them insufferable but, obviously, somebody finds them funny.

According to the principle of constructive criticism wherein one owns one's opinions, all that we can say about a piece of humor is "it's not funny to me" or "it doesn't work for me." For example, I cannot abide the pratfall-based humor so popular on British TV. The comedian Jerry Lewis sickens rather than amuses me, but French audiences find him hilarious. Unlike punctuation, humor is largely a matter of taste. So, I think, when critiquing humor, it's especially important to be circumspect.

Undergraduate / how to reply an letter of acceptance [18]

Good point, Sean! If you want to wait to see if you get other offers before accepting this one, you may delay writing the letter until just before any deadline for acceptance.

Undergraduate / FSU addmissions essay ("I believe your University will give me the knowledge") [10]

It sounds like it was your father who was not there for you, even though the rest of your family was. If that's the case, say that more clearly. If something else is the case, revise to make that clear. Then, tell us how the difficulty, whatever it was, made you stronger.

And I too remain unclear as to what "Vires" means to you. Specify that.

Undergraduate / Re-admission appeal statement (Reasons for Unsatisfactory Performance) [10]

Liebe, I appreciate the effort you are putting into the feedback you give others!

Essays / Can't think of an essay topic that is the most common topic ever [11]

Yes, I thought that was a good idea all along. I'm glad you will go with it. Let's see a draft when you're ready.

Undergraduate / how to reply an letter of acceptance [18]

Actually, I was asking as a prompt. What do you want to say? For sure, you want to convey acceptance of the offer. It would be polite to also express gratitude for the opportunity. But, perhaps, there's more you want to ask or say. Either way, the letter should be brief and to the point, so that there is no possibility of misunderstanding. Post a draft here and we can help you make sure of that.

Undergraduate / how to reply an letter of acceptance [18]

What do you want to say?

Undergraduate / FSU addmissions essay ("I believe your University will give me the knowledge") [10]


Such as?

This essay still doesn't help us to know you at all. And, again, I find your first line uninspiring. You need to say something unique and vivid to capture the attention of readers who are working their way through scores of similar essays.

Undergraduate / "No! Not another disgusting lizard, Grandma!" - Medical Personal Statement [26]

This is wonderful! I have just a couple of corrections:

I was reunited with my family in California when I was nine. For the first time in my life, I had a family doctor who could attend to my medical needs.

It isT he absence of adequate medical attention in my early childhood that has promoted and fostered my sympathy for the sick and the poor.

Writing Feedback / Your decision to enter the education field - CBEST Essay pratice [10]

Here's a writing challenge: Who would like to try to collaboratively write a very funny essay using Roland's premise of the donut maker who runs away to be a teacher?

Essays / Management Essay - Self-chosen topic: "Power - Strategic Management Tool". [16]

You need to tell us a little more before we can be helpful. For what purpose are you writing this essay? What do you mean by "power - strategic management tool"? What are your own preliminary thoughts about the form and content of the essay?

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

Oh, this is so much stronger!

I disliked it;even for a long time I was so frightened of it that at times I thought that in the future I c ould not do any mathematics-related job.

Undergraduate / "No! Not another disgusting lizard, Grandma!" - Medical Personal Statement [26]

Can you post the latest revision so that we can do that?

Essays / I'm having some trouble understanding my teacher's directions. [About theses] [13]

In [name of story] Tub, Kenny and Framk edure the freezing hell of winter with terrible results; hence, [name of author] suggests that, placed in a severe and brutal environment, male camaraderie often leads to violent behavior.

Grammar, Usage / Sample of combining sentences; Need advice. [14]


Precisely. That's the difference between a dangling modifier and a misplaced modifier. If you look up examples of dangling modifiers, you'll find many in the same form as my example.

Essays / The Importance Of Parents in Child's Life. [20]

I'd be curious to see the presentation anyway. Just so that those of us who read French can at least see what you said.

Undergraduate / "How will this program help me accomplish my academic goals? [6]

From this essay, you could be anybody. All that I know about you is that you're from DC and relatively privileged. Your grammar is fine, although you tend toward over-blown prose. But you need details, Nick, details. What are these "abilities" and "potentials" of which you speak? Sports? Arts? Science? What are your goals, exactly, and how, specifically, will the program help you to achieve them? I know you only have 300 words, but you can take out the flowery prose and vapid sentences to make room for the vivid specificity you need.

Undergraduate / Show how my university studies affect my career future? [11]

Studying business administration at the University of the People would provide me a valuable theoretical foundation and a deep understanding of the principles of business and economics which are necessary to work properly in this field. I once thought real experience as the key for work success. I thus did not focus on my university study but on my part-time jobs. However, in a current knowledge-based society, it is hard to become competitive unless I have a profound specialist knowledge, brainstorming skills, and English expertise. I can achieve those qualities are able to reach by advanced education. I t hereby perfectly believe that 4 years of assiduous study at the University of the People would make me be sufficiently competitive and capable in business field. Additionally, I would then contribute my advanced knowledge achieved to the innovation process in my country by volunteering to help popularize academic education.

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]

In real-time face-to-face conversations, neither person (unless they are very rude) can go on and on. There is less possibility of misunderstanding, as verbal inflections help to make clear when (e.g.) a person is saying something sarcastic lightly rather than nastily. There is also the opportunity to check in to make sure you've understood correctly as the person is speaking.

In face-to-face dialogue, again unless one party is impossibly rude, there can be a cooperative effort to seek consensus, to start from common ground and to uncover and then explore the roots of the disagreement, determining whether these are questions of fact that can be resolved by research or questions of values, in which case it may be necessary to agree to disagree. This is, in theory, also possible in online debates. However, because of the disconnected nature of online communication, what tends to happen is that disagreements are exacerbated rather than resolved. Online debaters tend, as you did with my rather mild comment to Rajiv, to engage in "offensive listening," reading for disagreement rather than agreement and skewing others words to fit preexisting conceptions. It exhausts me to think about what it would take to simply explain what I really did mean, quite apart from the labor of then justifying it in words that could not possibly be misunderstood by a hostile reader.

If I'm going to take the trouble to do what I'd need to do to answer your challenges above, quite frankly I'd prefer to write an article or blog post for publication rather than putting all of that effort into writing something for a single reader. And, indeed, I have written extensively about those issues, having thought carefully and -- yes -- logically in the process. Hence my disinclination to spend hours constructing forum posts that might be read by, at best, a handful of people.

Book Reports / Death of a Salesman - symbolism and American dream [5]

Right. Finish reading the play. Then read back over that list of possible symbols to discuss, adding any others you can think of. You don't have to write about all of them. Indeed, the essay will be strongest if you focus on just a few symbols that struck you particularly strongly, perhaps mentioning a few more just to bolster your arguments.

Book Reports / my essay on King lear's progress in Act 2 from denial to rage to isolation [14]

Perhaps you should read the essay -- it's called "Politics and the English Language" and is widely available online -- before we continue to discuss it. I find its guidelines to be extremely useful, so much so that they are (or, rather were -- I just moved) taped to the wall over both of my writing desks. I also think that the premise of the essay -- that lazy, conventional writing leads to lazy, conventional thinking (and vice versa) -- is consistent with your views.

Grammar, Usage / In Need Of Writing Resources! [12]


When you took basic composition in college, you must have used a text that explained adjectives and the like. Did you hang onto it? If not, go online and get yourself a used copy of just about any handbook written for college composition students.

For online grammar guides and similar resources, I recommend the OWL on the Perdue university website.

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]


Sigh. In the real world, I frequently dialogue with people who disagree with me vehemently. I simply do not enjoy online debates and, frankly, would rather throw myself down a flight of stairs than engage in the kind of point-by-point parsing of sequential monologues that online debates entail.

Grammar, Usage / Sample of combining sentences; Need advice. [14]


No, the economic forecast did not look at the numbers. A forecast cannot look at numbers. The person looking at the numbers does not appear in the sentence; hence the modifier is dangling.

Essays / I'm having some trouble understanding my teacher's directions. [About theses] [13]

This may sound crazy, but why not ask your teacher? S/he claims to have structured the assignment in this way in order to make it easy for you to complete. If you do not understand the instructions, ask for clarification from the person who gave them. We might guess incorrectly and steer you in the wrong direction.

Undergraduate / "No! Not another disgusting lizard, Grandma!" - Medical Personal Statement [26]

It all depends on which is true.

I agree with the others: This is a vivid, and therefore very strong, essay that should stand you in good stead.

And I agree with Sean: Especially in light of the time and care Notoman has expended on your essay, I'd like to see you jump in and provide careful, detailed feedback to other forum members.

Undergraduate / Re-admission appeal statement (Reasons for Unsatisfactory Performance) [10]

I think, or rather hope, that university administrators are aware of how frequently young people become addicted to online gaming. Thus, this ought not doom your chances. But Sean is right: You need to demonstrate that, although your parents took charge of the start of your recovery process, you now have yourself in hand and are able to resist this addiction in a self-determined and proactive manner.

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]


I'm probably not going to answer. I don't really enjoy online debating as others seem to do.

Book Reports / my essay on King lear's progress in Act 2 from denial to rage to isolation [14]


Except that he also says to break his rules in order to avoid ugly prose. My guess is that he liked the rhythm of "If you can cut a word out, cut it out." I know that I really enjoy saying it out loud when teaching the "Politics and the English Language" from which it comes.

That said, one of the funny things about that essay is how frequently Orwell fails to take his own advice within it.

Essays / Describing a bombing. [5]

Did you witness this bombing? If so, write in the first person and describe what you saw, heard, and felt as precisely as possible without worrying about sophistication of language.

Even if you are just imagining the bombing, creating a sense of immediacy is the key in writing about such an event. Deliberately sophisticated language creates distance -- the opposite effect of what you want.

I would use metaphors sparingly and keep them very simple so as not to draw attention to themselves. You want your reader to see the bombing without noticing the language you are using to describe it.

Scholarship / I have studied intensively, especially maths and physics for the past twelve years - scholarship [38]

I like the inclusion of the dancing. It shows that you are a well-rounded individual with varied interests.

Grammar, Usage / Sample of combining sentences; Need advice. [14]

Dangling modifier:

After looking at the numbers, the economic forecast appears grim.

The phrase "after looking at the numbers" applies to... who? Nobody in the sentence. The noun it should modify is absent. Therefore, it is a dangling modifier.

To fix that sentence, we could say:
After looking at the numbers, I see that the economic forecast is grim.

Now the noun that the clause modifies is where it should be, right next to the clause.

Passive voice:

A suggestion was made by the customer that the service be improved by the manager.

Here we have two examples of passive voice in the same sentence. To fix it, we say:
The customer suggested that the manager improve the service.

There are so many different ways to combine sentences! You're better off consulting a grammar guide where you can see several examples of all of the different ways.

Undergraduate / Need help with question - news story that will shape my future [11]

But the focus of the prompt is a news story that will shape your life. As fascinating as that finding is, it's not likely to shape the lives of anyone other than those specifically interested in related research questions. I say start over with a news story sure to shape your life in some way. It could be something national (like health care reform), international (like the financial crisis) or local (like a big change in your home town).

Writing Feedback / Your decision to enter the education field - CBEST Essay pratice [10]


Sean, you sound like Mustafa!

This just proves the maxim that humor is a matter of taste. I found the essay amusing in a light-hearted way. You weren't trying to write a side-splitting comedic essay, just have some fun within the essay form. I, for one, appreciated the break from the usual routine. If you're writing these essays just for practice in English punctuation and sentence structure, why not have some fun with the content?

Speaking of punctuation and grammar, here's a fix:

One single event galvanized me to make the decision to run off to be a teacher.

Scholarship / I have studied intensively, especially maths and physics for the past twelve years - scholarship [38]

Seeing them quickly opening the gifts and smiling brilliantly


I'll take that as a compliment. I'm based in the United States. In addition to teaching, I've done a lot of NGO work nationally and internationally. I've not been to Vietnam but have had extensive online collaborations with an NGO there. I do hope to visit someday.