Letters / Graduate Mechanical Engineer; Recommendation Letter for John Doe [10]

I am writing to you in support of full name

I have known Mr. Esun for a year

His efficiency in planning projects and meeting deadlines specifically were proved to me by accomplishing many projects.the two examples are as follows:For example, he s uccessfully led the Graduate team in producing a preliminary Acid Gas Removal Report. Mr. Esun also s uccessfully updated the Rhum's field economic model (in collaboration with the company's commercial analyst) well within the time limit.

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

Let's get rid of some of these weak verbs, especially since doing so will cut down the length.

Instead of "I am especially interested in mathematics" (6 words), say "Mathematics especially interests me" (4 words). Instead of "This is what I could never confidently declare until some yeas ago" (12 words), say "Now I can confidently declare that" (6 words).

You try it! Any time you start a sentence or phrase with "it is" or "it was," figure out how to say the same thing in fewer words with a stronger verb.

Book Reports / my essay on King lear's progress in Act 2 from denial to rage to isolation [14]


Edit ruthlessly for clarity and concision. As George Orwell said, ask yourself, "What am I trying to say?" and then say it as directly as possible. And, again quoting Orwell, "If it is possible to cut a word out, cut it out."

Undergraduate / Need help with question - news story that will shape my future [11]

If you want to study medicine, the obvious choice is health care reform.

Undergraduate / When I first heard the news that I was moving to Brooklyn, I felt overwhelmed with anger - challenge [8]

Omit "Quite frankly," as these are empty words.

"I joined the volleyball team, where I was not only improved my skills, but was also made new friends and gained a sense of school spirit."

It's hard to say whether you can win a scholarship with this essay. So much depends on what they are looking for. The adversity you overcame was difficult for you but is relatively minor in relation to the adversities other applicants might write about. All of which is to say, if you don't get the scholarship, it might simply be that they were looking for somebody who had faced more adversity rather than because of the quality of your writing, which is lively and competent.

Undergraduate / Common App- Reasons for Transfer (is it TMI? it's not completed or edited yet) [11]


Notoman, this is very touching. Thank you for so generously sharing your experience. It's so essential for us all to know we are not alone.

Scholarship / I have studied intensively, especially maths and physics for the past twelve years - scholarship [38]

No need to apologize! The whole point of a forum is that different users -- and indeed different moderators -- see and suggest different things.

Although it feels like something we do alone, writing is essentially a collective endeavor. We write to communicate with others. The words and grammars we use are all social constructs -- rules made up by groups of people -- created in order to facilitate the process of communication.

When I teach writing, I always insist that my students get feedback from at least two people and suggest that they deliberately choose two very different people, just to try to get the diversity of viewpoints and expertise that naturally happens here.

Book Reports / my essay on King lear's progress in Act 2 from denial to rage to isolation [14]

It's choppy. You start out by saying "In a short period of time consisting of four scenes, we see how King Lear's emotional condition transforms and deteriorates." (I think you mean deteriorates and transforms.) But then you backtrack and talk about earlier scenes.

Also, I notice some grammar and punctuation errors. For example, in terms of punctuation, this:
King Lear, the title character is flawed with denial as a result of his inability to see the truth in front of him, this leads to his downfall.should be this:

King Lear, the title character, is flawed with denial as a result of his inability to see the truth in front of him; this leads to his downfall.

But look at the first half of the sentence, which is incoherent. What does "flawed with denial" mean? Is denial something different than "inability to see the truth in front of him"? Do you really need all those words to say that Lear's refusal to face facts led to his downfall?

Writing Feedback / "tip the waiter" essay - what have you learnt from a mistake? [9]

I'm not sure what you're asking. You should edit your own word processing document according to our recommendations and then cut and paste the edited text right into the discussion in the way that you just asked a question.

Writing Feedback / The relationship between an organization and environment - essay [9]


Right, though it's all a matter of audience. If this is written for an audience for whom "environmental scanning" is a technical term needing no definition, fine. But if it is for anyone else, then such terms must be defined. It's always better to err on the safe side and provide definitions wherever they might be needed.

Letters / Graduate Mechanical Engineer; Recommendation Letter for John Doe [10]

What you have written so far is very slight. A strong recommendation gives specific praise in addition to listing the fine qualities of the applicant. I can understand why you'd be uneasy writing such a letter for yourself. If you want to leave this letter as it is, you just need to fix up the grammar.

But here's a question: Why not ask your boss to write you a letter?

Letters / Graduate Mechanical Engineer; Recommendation Letter for John Doe [10]

I assume you mean improve the content (not context) of the letter!

Add a story that illustrates one of the things you have said about John Doe. For example, you say that he works well with a minimum of supervision. Was there a time when he handled an especially difficult problem or project on his own? You say that he is enthusiastic. How was that expressed?

Graduate / "Where there's a will there's a way" - help me revise the Statement of Purpose [5]

Keep the portions where you describe the growth of your interest in physics. Just add more about your purpose in studying physics now. What's the most exciting work in the field to you right now? If you could join any research team right now, which one would it be? What burning questions in physics most intrigue you? Those are the kinds of questions that can help you figure out what to say.

Undergraduate / "experience or achievement in your life" - Untitled Personal Statement [7]

"captain" not "caption" -- You make that error twice. Remember to proofread carefully and not count on spell-check, which will not catch correctly spelled words used improperly.

Your introduction is lively and compelling but takes up too much space relative to the rest of the piece, which is vague.

I'll let some of our experts at concise writing offer specific suggestions for cuts within sentences to bring down the word count.

Essays / The Importance Of Parents in Child's Life. [20]

Some debatable points:

Does it have to be parents in particular who provide these things, or can grandparents or other guardians play the same role?

What is the relative importance of the broader culture? If parents are peaceful or altruistic, but the culture is violent or encourages self-centered consumerism, which will win out?

What about abusive or neglectful parents? Should their genetic contribution to the child outweigh the child's best interests in determining who should raise the child?

Undergraduate / Common App- Reasons for Transfer (is it TMI? it's not completed or edited yet) [11]

Right, anorexia and bulimia are real and at times life-threatening illnesses but do tend to be perceived in the ways you state and thus you are probably right in not disclosing.

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]


You are right and wrong. People in the United States do tend to believe that their model of society ought to be the model for everybody else. However, most people in the United States are concerned with personal gain rather than healthy communities. If only people were concerned with that goal, we might make some progress on our more vexing problems, such as inequality and violence.

Writing Feedback / "tip the waiter" essay - what have you learnt from a mistake? [9]

Don't double up punctuation:

"Should we tip the waiter?" "Okay," he said.

Here are some more suggestions:

Outside the restaurant , my friends and I were beset by a child beggar. While none of my friends wanted to part with another rupee after the hundreds they had spent inside, I decided a rupee or ten wouldn't harm me, and bought him biscuits. Walking to the shop, I felt an instant desire to talk to the child , who was no taller than my knees and was dressed in rags, sporting the most natural wear of footwear -- bare feet .

Essays / The Importance Of Parents in Child's Life. [20]

What is your opinion? That's the question. Jot down your ideas and then organize them into an outline.

Essays / The Importance Of Parents in Child's Life. [20]

While we cannot help you with your French, we can certainly help you with the essay structure and with arguments you might use. The question is, do you want to write a very conventional essay, listing the things that anyone might say about the importance of parents, or do you want to make an unconventional argument?

Writing Feedback / Social Work Theory, Skills and Methods Assignment [6]

The first thing to remember is that "consumer" in this context means the people who social workers used to call "clients" and not "consumer" in the sense it is usually meant. What your teacher wants you to demonstrate is that you understand the evolutionary process within the field of social work reflected by that change in nomenclature, from "clients" who are the passive recipients of services provided by an agency to "consumers" who are the agents making the decisions about what services they will access and how. Your teacher wants you to do that by choosing a social work process such as assessment or intervention and describing how that process goes within a consumer empowerment model as opposed to the older way of doing things.

So, your first task is to review the relevant readings and make sure you understand them. Next, choose which social work process you would like to use as your illustrative example. When you write your essay, you'll want to define and explain the consumer empowerment approach in the introductory paragraphs and then use the social work process you selected to illustrate what you say. In conclusion you may wish, in addition to summing up, to offer your own assessment of the consumer empowerment model.

Scholarship / I have studied intensively, especially maths and physics for the past twelve years - scholarship [38]

at Hoa Binh children's village.

Like many English learners, you are still struggling with verbs and prepositions:

My high school held many parties for the children in Mid-autumn, International children's holiday, and on many other occasions for children but each time I do volunteered , I discovered something new and exciting.

Spell out "three."

Undergraduate / 'study methods required to survive in college' - Statement regarding GPA [11]

Yes, it would only take a sentence or two to specify your new study habits. It is, of course, up to you. Just remember: You're asking them to waive a rule for you. That being the case, it may pay to be as forthcoming as possible about why they ought to do that.

Letters / Cover Letter for internship with a Member of Parliament [5]

And, yes, I do think you should make clear your sympathies with Labour Party platforms and policies. Indeed, if there is an issue that is especially important to you, that might be a very good thing to mention.

What Sean said about showing why you should get the position in the stead of all the other applicants holds especially true for you. Undoubtedly, many students who are represented by the MP will be wanting an internship and so, if he is going to give the position to a foreign national instead, he will have to be given a very good reason for doing so.

Writing Feedback / The relationship between an organization and environment - essay [9]

A note on content before getting to grammar. You need to define "environmental scanning."

Some corrections:

"In earlier studies, the relationship between an organization and environment was only seen through the lens of environmental scanning."

One sentence starts with "There have been..." and the next with "Other researchers..." To make these sentences consistent, the first should start with "Some researchers..." or even the names of the researchers and then phrased appropriately.

"These findings , although valid , haveoveremphasizeon the role of environment, neglecting the contribution of the organization to the relationship.

"An organization and its environment share a closed loop interaction."

Undergraduate / Common App- Reasons for Transfer (is it TMI? it's not completed or edited yet) [11]

It's okay not to disclose the nature of your illness, especially if it falls into the category of a disability, in which case (if you are in the States) you are protected by the Americans with Disabilities Act. But you absolutely must, as Sean suggests, be much more precise and detailed about everything else.

Essays / Universities should strive for gender balance between male and female students in every subject [17]

After brainstorming, make up an outline. If you'd like feedback on your outline before writing your first draft, feel free to post that here too.

Essays / Where to learn bhangra dance - my topic [7]

If you do choose to write about that topic, we can have some interesting discussions about the challenges of writing about dance in a manner that conveys its flavor as well as the relevant cultural facts. Fun!

Essays / Can't think of an essay topic that is the most common topic ever [11]

But, please, for your teacher's sake and your own, don't choose a topic that "seems like a good topic" but doesn't interest you. You'll end up hating the assignment and turning in a boring essay just like those written by other students who chose the topic at random and wrote rote "for" and "against" arguments. Spend time choosing a topic that is meaningful to you in some way, and you will do a better job while having more fun.

Undergraduate / 'study methods required to survive in college' - Statement regarding GPA [11]


Right. So that they know you're not just saying this, be specific about your new study habits. What do you do differently? Do you follow a schedule or a particular method of study now?

Essays / Can't think of an essay topic that is the most common topic ever [11]


I like this idea! (Very clever of you to check the profile, Notoman.)

Graduate / 'I joined a worldwide leading service oilfield company' - SOP for Master in Petroleum Engineering [4]


This paragraph is incoherent. What you will bring to class discussions should be in an earlier paragraph, along with other reasons you will be a worthwhile addition to this educational institution. What you will do with your degree belongs where it is but should be followed by a sentence or two providing more detail or explaining why this will be useful to the world.

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

I like the idea of narrating the decision process. However, I still think that something additional is needed to make the essay stand out from the crowd. I like the anecdote about initially hating math as an introduction. Why don't you at least try writing that and then we can see if it works.

Essays / Can't think of an essay topic that is the most common topic ever [11]

Can you give us any idea at all why you are writing or what you might like to write about? What course is this for? What is the assignment, exactly? We can help you brainstorm, but we need more information.

Essays / Essay about "Hope" - what to write? [8]


I guess I need to know more about the assignment before weighing in on whether a more philosophical essay that makes such distinctions is warranted. If this is simply an essay in which the student is to demonstrate mastery of English and the essay format, it might be a bad idea to muddy the water with too many distinctions. If, on the other hand, this is a paper for a course on philosophy or critical thinking, then it would be important and indeed necessary to closely question the very nature of hope.

Research Papers / '20th century hero' - Research Paper on Franklin D. Roosevelt [9]


I really like your "nit-picky input"!

Undergraduate / 'study methods required to survive in college' - Statement regarding GPA [11]

the amount of effort one must expend to achieve high grades

After getting my grades at the end of the first semester, I

Immediately, I got to work, studying harder and accepting help from tutors when in need.andB ecause of those changes, my grades began to rise.

You might want to calculate and state your GPA for all but the first semester.

Undergraduate / When I first heard the news that I was moving to Brooklyn, I felt overwhelmed with anger - challenge [8]

When I first heard the news that I was moving to Brooklyn, I felt overwhelmed with anger.

I took courses such as AP Calculus, AP US History, and AP Biology and succeeded, by achieving a 5 on the AP Biology test.

My hard work paid off, as I was named class valedictorian of my class , and won many academic, as well as athletic, awards.
I found a home in Brooklyn.

Scholarship / I have studied intensively, especially maths and physics for the past twelve years - scholarship [38]

Of course we won't be mad if you ask questions! That's the whole point of this forum!

What I mean is that you should start with the story of you doing your homework while riding home on the bus. For example, you could say something like:

The bus bounced along the rutted road as I bent over my books, hurriedly doing my homework after spending the evening helping children at [name of place you volunteered]. I felt tired but happy.

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

Maybe your friends will have some ideas about what, specifically, you can say about your character or, even better, what story about you best illustrates your character.