Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]


Right: It's a solid essay by a strong candidate but not particularly engaging or unique.

Look at your first words: "As many other graduated high school students..."

Right away, you are telling the reader, "I am just like everybody else."

What can you start with instead? What does make you stand out from the crowd? You've not got enough of your personality in this essay for me to even offer a suggestion. In the introduction, and throughout, let us see your personality. Are you always so serious, so much so that other people joke about that, or do you have a playful sense of humor? You mention caring for your grandmother. Do you have an especially close relationship with her? Is caring for others important to you? How do your friends and family members describe you? I'm not saying you should put all of this in your essay directly, but answering such questions might help you to see what aspects of yourself to put into the essay.

Scholarship / I have studied intensively, especially maths and physics for the past twelve years - scholarship [38]

You have so many achievements and qualities that scholarship funds appreciate! But, somehow, they get lost in this essay.

I think the problem is your introduction, which starts with you dreaming of graduation. This is dull and common; every applicant for a scholarship has the same dream.

I say start with the image of you doing your homework on the bus while riding home late after doing volunteer work with children, feeling exhausted and excited at the same time.

Essays / Essay on myself, how to write it? [35]

Good! I look forward to reading your essay.

Letters / Statement in support of application for a Research Technician [3]

Ask yourself sincerely: What do you offer that everyone else doesn't offer? Make sure you include that.

You can also make your essay stand out by using simple writing techniques to make the essay engaging. Assessors wade through scores or even hundreds of essays, feeling utterly bored by their similarity. How can you break through? First, start strong. Just like the lead in a magazine or newspaper article, your first sentence should draw readers in and make them want to read more.

Next, keep them reading. Use direct, concise sentences in the active voice. Wherever possible, use strong action verbs. Season your sentences with colorful modifiers in moderation.

All of which is to say that, when it comes to cover letters and application essays, style counts almost as much -- and perhaps even more -- than content. So, post your draft here and let our redundancy patrol and action verb experts have at it.

Essays / Essay about "Hope" - what to write? [8]

First, let me commend you for taking the time to sketch out your ideas first. Too often, students just begin to write, thereby dooming themselves to an incoherent and disorganized product even before they begin.

Let's turn your sketch into a full-fledged outline. I'll fill in some pieces from your sketch. You can fill in the rest from your own ideas or from suggestions offered by other forum members.

I. Introduction
A. Example of hope in action
B. Definition of hope
C. Thesis -- Hope is beneficial but can be dangerous
II. One way that hope is beneficial
A. Explanation
B. Example(s)
III. One way that hope is beneficial or dangerous
A. Explanation
B. Example(s)
IV. One way that hope is dangerous
A. Explanation
B. Example(s)
V. Conclusion
A. Restatement of thesis
B. Closing thought or image

The overall tenor of your essay will hinge on paragraph III -- will you choose to offer an additional way that hope is beneficial or an additional way that hope is dangerous? That depends on whether you feel that hope is more beneficial or more dangerous. Choose a closing thought or image consistent with that assessment.

Graduate / Post-graduation Statement of Purpose [22]

Rajiv, that is lovely and very useful advice. I can see from your own posts that you are serious about finding ways to say the things you really want to say. That's the whole point of writing and is much more important, in the long run, than any one essay.

Essays / Leader or event in history - Scholarship Essay for Admission [7]

I see that this is frequently your only comment to other forum members. While I am glad that you so wholeheartedly wish others well, I'd like to see you offer more substantial comments whenever you can. Thank you!

Grammar, Usage / Vocab: Martinet [12]

Even though you may feel silly doing so, seize every opportunity to use a new word in conversation, writing, etc.

Also, we know from memory research that two things aid retention: repetition and processing something through different channels. If you encounter a new word while reading, look it up, say it out loud in different settings, write it by hand as well as by typing it, put it on a flashcard so you can both look at it and hear someone else say it to you, etc.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay on How High School Sports Influenced you [8]

Congratulations! Don't forget to spread the joy by helping others with their scholarship or admissions essays!

Undergraduate / Spinning my life events into academic potential - Letter of academic intent [12]

Add the leading quotation mark to the quote that starts the piece.

Graduate / Post-graduation Statement of Purpose [22]

Let's begin at the beginning. I assume that design itself, rather than the word "design," is what influenced you. Also, you need to make yourself the agent of your sentences. So, here is one way you might rewrite your first paragraph:

I've always been fascinated by design. Throughout my life, I've enjoyed decorating and designing things to make them look good. In my school days, I made posters for sports events, competitions, and other extra-curricular activities.

Scholarship / I have studied intensively, especially maths and physics for the past twelve years - scholarship [38]

Once you've said everything you want to include, we can work on cutting it down. Your sentences tend to have extra words and you sometimes repeat yourself, so I expect we can get it down to the limit without sacrificing content.

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]

Rajiv, I like the idea of "earthy worms."

Sean, I'll come back to the multiplicity of maths once I'm moved and have unpacked my maths/physics box. I don't like to write about it without my references at hand.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Writing: 2 short essays (reading versus doing things; Neighbors) [6]


Normally I would agree, and I would like to see it phrased more interestingly, but I do think that the writer is adding something by noting that there are other ways of learning. This contextualizes the question by drawing the reader's attention to the broader issue of multiple intelligences and different learning styles.

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]


Yes, please do post your draft for comments when you are ready for feedback.

Essays / Finding a research problem for a research paper - Assignment [10]

Yes, I'm assuming this is either an exercise in applying course material to the real world or the first stage of a multi-part assignment. But, as Sean says, it would be good to know the exact wording.

Essays / Leader or event in history - Scholarship Essay for Admission [7]

Yes -- I was thinking the same thing. There must be something about the Wright Brothers you've carried in your mind or heart for some years. Lead with that.

Scholarship / I need some advice on ideas - "Why do I deserve the scholarship" [42]

From what you've said so far, the two things that might make you stand out are taking care of your grandmother and using knowledge finance as a means of contributing to your country. Might you be interested in taking your education in finance into a job in public policy, government, or an NGO? If so, say so.

Research Papers / Persuading the American people to fight against global warming [5]

I would switch sections III and IV.

I notice that under solutions, you have not mentioned diet change (reduced meat-dairy-egg consumption; shift toward plant-based diet) even though UN-FAO has identified livestock production as the industrial sector most responsible for global warming.

I also notice that reduced consumption in general is not on the list. When people buy new products rather than reusing, repurposing, or repairing old items, this increases their carbon footprint. However, this must be explained, as most people only think about direct energy use (their own car, their own heat, etc.) rather than the energy use (and associated emissions) associated with the products they buy and consume.

One way to narrow your thesis would be to make it more consistent with your title: persuading the American people to fight against global warming. This would give you more rather than less to say, as you could then cite statistics about the carbon footprint of the average American versus the average person living in other countries and also talk about the ways that Americans in particular can join the struggle against climate change.

If you do that, then you would want to choose the first of your counterarguments.

Writing Feedback / Narrative essay- important decision for CBEST Pormpt [2]

First I will talk about content and then about grammar and style. You've made a good choice concerning which difficult decision to discuss, as this was a truly difficult and significant decision for you. I notice that, while you discuss the many reasons the decision was difficult, you do not share much about your decision making process.

Also I notice that the essay begins weakly and ends without a true conclusion. For a stronger overall essay, begin with the image of you wrestling with the decision or, perhaps, with the images that ran through your mind as you made the decision.

However you begin the essay, be sure to give it a conclusion where you not only tell the reader how it all worked out for you (which you already do) but also discuss the subject of the essay: The process of making a difficult decision.

Next, grammar. I notice that, like many non-native English speakers, you sometimes mix up your prepositions and sometimes omit or misplace articles. These are relatively minor problems but, in accumulation, significantly weaken your prose. Here are some examples:

One such decision that falls into the latter category is the marriage.

TheM arriage is one of the difficult decisions because it is a matter in which two people who grew up in the different backgrounds, [omit comma] and have different viewpoints live together later in life.

In 2006, my husband proposed to me, and I faced the most difficult choice that I had ever made.

Essays / Any good topics for classification essay? similar to compare and contrast essay [4]

I'll move this thread out of Forum Help, because you have done what you need to do to get help: Ask a question.

A classification essay is not a compare and contrast essay. Many composition textbooks devote a chapter to classification (or "division and classification") essays, so check your textbook because your teacher will expect you to follow any specific suggestions given therein.

A classification essay is one way to approach a complex topic. In a classification essay, one groups two or more related phenomena or ideas together. So, if one were to write about the reasons for poor school performance among elementary school students, one would first list all of the reasons one could imagine or discover through research -- such as poor nutrition, inadequate sleep, inadequate teaching, learning disabilities, problems at home, etc. -- and then group those reasons into categories, such as social, psychological, and environmental.

In writing the essay, one would use the categories as the means of organizing the information presented in the essay. So, staying with our example of poor performance among elementary school students, one might begin with a story or statistic that engages the reader's attention; put forth the thesis that poor performance can stem from many causes, including social, psychological, and environmental factors; and then cover each type of cause in turn.

If you do write a classification essay, you are welcome to post your draft for feedback. If you would like help in choosing a topic, say so. But, be sure to do your part by pitching in to help other forum members with their writing.

Essays / Leader or event in history - Scholarship Essay for Admission [7]

To get started, brainstorm all of the ways that the Wright Brothers inspired your decision to pursue a career in the listed fields. This will be the information in your essay. How you will organize it depends on what you want to say.

By way of an introduction, you might tell the story of the most inspirational (to you) aspect of the Wright Brothers' story.

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]


That's a common misconception, because it is so dreadfully difficult for us to even conceive a different way of seeing the world, mathematically speaking.

I am in the midst of moving, so all of my files on this subject are boxed up, but I will be happy to offer some citations to scholarly articles as soon as I am moved and unpacked.

Writing Feedback / CBEST Essay using technology prompt [8]

The handbook I am using is the one created and required by a major U.S. university. Again, Sean, your political antipathy to gender neutral language ought not inflect the advice you give here. Whether you like it or not, students who use exclusive language will not be seen as favorably as those who do.


Right, scores of feminist scholars in numerous fields who have demonstrated the role of language in the maintenance of gender inequality are merely "foolish." Silly women.

I'll not debate this with you any longer. Students should know that this is a decided issue within academia in all fields. Agree or disagree, you must learn to use non-sexist language in college compositions, research papers, and other scholarly writing in any field.

Writing Feedback / How can I play into the hands of my Maker - Sunday Morning [51]

Rajiv,

Your latest meditation touches on a subject I have researched and thought about deeply: Multicultural maths. While we tend to think of maths as universal or culturally neutral, different cultures in fact have used very different strategies for thinking about and solving the kinds of problems we solve with maths. There are also, of course, different number systems and different ways of thinking about concepts such as zero and infinity. What I have been thinking about for some years is the question of whether different mathematical systems shape perceptions in the same ways that languages seem to do.

Essays / Finding a research problem for a research paper - Assignment [10]

The course is research methods in social science. So, what your teacher wants is for you do start thinking through the process of researching a social science question. So, think about a question you have in the field of psychology, sociology, or anthropology. Then, consulting the readings and class notes from the course so far -- be sure to do the readings and get notes from a classmate for any classes you missed -- come up with a way that a social scientist might research that question. Write up the question and your proposal for how it could be researched.

That's my best guess for what is wanted from you, given what I know about the kinds of exercises usually assigned by research methods instructors. If you want to give us the exact words of the assignment, we might be able to be even more useful.

Graduate / Post-graduation Statement of Purpose [22]

Mustafa, you are a stitch. While I sometimes wish you would be kinder to other forum members, I really appreciate your verve.

Undergraduate / "Comrade Hu and passion for languages" - College Admissions Essay Introduction [13]

I'll just say again that I really like this introduction. In addition to being fresh and engaging, the allusions ("comrade," 1950s state department activities, etc.) demonstrate a breadth of background knowledge that suggests this is an unusually well-read applicant with a wide range of interests. In admissions essays as in fiction, showing is always better than telling.

Grammar, Usage / Vocab: Martinet [12]


That happens to me all the time!

Writing Feedback / a baby doesn't know the intricacy of external world; TOEFL IBT Essay "Parents are the best teachers" [6]

The content is fine. Solid, although not spectacular. However, your grammar and punctuation errors are significant enough to interfere with the reader's comprehension of the content, and that is why I focused on them. There are, in particular, far too many verb errors. There are also some omitted punctuation marks that make sentences run together or be hard to understand.

Undergraduate / Skills Test Essay Seneca college (fall 2009) [6]

Ask the college. Most colleges that use skills tests provide example tests from previous years.

Essays / 'confused by the question asked'; Human Resource Management Assignment [7]

Look at the things you listed -- "technology, economic factors, globalization, outsourcing, aging workforce" -- and ask yourself for each, "how does this create uncertainty for human resource managers?" I'd say that all but the last do create uncertainty, and that technology, the economy, and ongoing globalization create the most uncertainty. So, your thesis could be that each of these create major challenges for human resources by creating uncertainty. Then you could explain why that is for each of those three things.

Writing Feedback / a baby doesn't know the intricacy of external world; TOEFL IBT Essay "Parents are the best teachers" [6]

We can't grade the essay, but we can offer you some assessments and suggestions.

I notice, for example, that you sometimes omit or misplace articles:

When a baby is born, it does not know the intricacy of the external world.

The curious child looks for its mother to help her the understand what she is seeing and hearing.

Notice, in this last sentence, that you alternate between saying "it" and "her" for the infant. While it is normally not acceptable to use "it" for a human being, this rule does not apply to newborns whose sex is unknown.

I also notice some problems with verbs:

The mother acts as an interface between the new born baby and the external world.

Children knowingly or unknowingly accept their parents as first teachers.

A best teacher is one who brings out the true potential in us.

Poetry / The Wedding Couple by Donald Hall [4]

Read through the poem slowly and carefully, noting every line or phrase that supports your thesis that this is about love as it should be.

What about the overall trend of the poem makes you believe that? Jot that down too.

Now, look at all of your notes. Which are the strongest pieces of evidence in support of your thesis? Underline those. Which fit together with each other? Use arrows or some other marking system to show the relationships.

These are your supporting arguments. Decide how you will organize them, then make an outline.

Next, choose the very strongest quote in support of your argument. Think about using that in your introduction.

Write a first draft and post it here for comments. You might also want to ask classmates for comments, if the poem has been discussed in class, as they may remember things that the teacher or other students have said that support or rebut your thesis.

Graduate / Law School Personal Statement ("I am a fighter.") [11]

You're welcome! Don't forget to return the favor by offering feedback to other forum users.

Writing Feedback / CBEST Essay using technology prompt [8]


The college writing handbook I have right here on my desk specifically prohibits "mankind" as exclusive, rather than inclusive, language.

Whatever your feelings about that might be, Sean, times have changed and so have expectations. Today's students are expected to use gender inclusive language, including the use of "people" or "humankind" rather than "mankind."

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Writing: 2 short essays (reading versus doing things; Neighbors) [6]

I think what you are saying by way of introduction to the first topic is that reading and doing are only two of the very many ways of learning things. That's not a bad way to start off a comparison of reading and doing as styles of learning, as it puts the question in the broader context of multiple intelligences and multiple learning styles.

You do need, however, to clean up your grammar and word choice to make that more clear.

Actually,T here are a lot of ways for you to learn something. Among them , learning by reading and by doing are the most popular. By reading, we acquire a number of useful pieces of information, and by doing we gain more experience . Personally, I learn better by doing than by reading.

You could start out even stronger, by making the first sentence active. For example, you could say, "People learn in many different ways.

I agree with Roland that the thesis of your second essay needs to be stated more clearly and then illustrated. As it now stands, we must derive your thesis from the different things you say about your past and present neighbors. Rewrite the introduction to that essay to be more clear, and then we can start in on grammar.

Essays / Finding a research problem for a research paper - Assignment [10]

What did you learn about research methods so far in the course? Consult your class notes and the assigned readings so far. You teacher wants you to apply that knowledge by coming up with a problem and saying how that problem could be researched. If it is only the second day in the class, a complete and complex research design probably is not required. The teacher just wants to see that you have mastered the material so far.

Perhaps if you summarized what the course has covered so far and also told us what kind of research we are talking about -- social science? natural science? -- we could be more helpful.

Writing Feedback / Cultural psychology short paper [9]

When Sean asks you to say the same thing in fewer words, he is asking you to write more concisely and, therefore, with more power. The way to fill out the pages is by saying more things of substance rather than by using lots of words to say only a few things.

Graduate / Law School Personal Statement ("I am a fighter.") [11]

I don't like the addition to the first sentence. If you're going to go with "I'm a fighter" as your lead, don't weaken it with the preface, "if you know me."

You still need to prune excess verbiage, as below:

Something of note,U pon successful completion of the third semester I was given angreat opportunity to join X Airlines State Concern for a summer internship with itsI was attached to the Legal Department, where I reviewed contracts drawn up between different departments of the organization .