Graduate / 'I will bring a curiosity and willingness to learn new things'; Graduate essay nursing - critique [6]

I like the Florence Nightingale story. I'd like to see you augment it with more recent experiences rather than remove it altogether. I also see a number of grammatical errors, but since you say you have already made changes, let us see the revised version so that we don't waste time fixing sentences you've deleted or already fixed yourself.

Book Reports / help with thesis statment, oedipus the king: "Does Sophocles" [3]

I like it that you explain Freud's theory, and the different opinions about it, so thoroughly. However, I notice that only one sentence in your essay actually answers the question, "did Oedipus have an Oedipus complex?"

Furthermore, that one sentence has many errors typical of the grammatical errors found throughout the essay:

Original:
Freud Doctrine does not apply perfectly, however in the play Oedipus has a relation with his mother he was a husband and a son, and Oedipus has children from his mother who they are siblings and children of his.

Correction:
Freud'sd octrine does not apply perfectly, however.I n the play, Oedipus had a relationship with his mother wherein he was both a husband and a son;and Oedipus also had children from his mother, who theywere both siblings and children of his.

Of the errors in that sentence (and the rest of the essay) variable verb tense and missing punctuation marks (leading to run on sentences) are the most significant.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay on why people want to study (give me any comment on my following essay) [8]

"However, time changes, so does the phenomena." is simply incorrect. It is a run on sentence.

My suggestion was grammatically correct but is certainly not the only option. Your suggestion including the "as" also would be fine.

Besides the grammatical error, leaving out the "as" leaves out the association between the passage of time and the changing of the phenomenon. Without the "as," there is no implication that the changing of the time is the reason for the changing of the phenomenon.

Essays / a Comparison and cantrash paragraph about two places [4]

Compare: Say how two things are similar.
Contrast: Say how two things are different.
Compare and contrast two places: Choose two places then say how they are alike and how they are different.

Once you have chosen your places and brainstormed their similarities and differences, you can think about how to organize your essay. You may wish to say everything about one place and then talk about the other in relation to the first. You may want to introduce both places, then discuss first their similarities and then their differences. Etc.

Grammar, Usage / Vocab: Martinet [12]

A lot of people like those "word of the day" websites, but I find that they often teach obscure words that would be unwise to use, as most readers would not understand them. The best way to build vocabulary is to read widely, consulting a dictionary when encountering unfamiliar words. That's so easy to do on the internet! Read online books, magazines, and newspapers, using the search function to look up any unfamiliar terms. There are several Firefox extensions that make it easy to look up words without leaving the site you're reading.

Writing Feedback / CBEST Essay using technology prompt [8]

In choosing words, don't use the same word twice in one sentence, as you do in your first two sentences:

Technology has been a decisive fact in making modern life a decisively improved over the earlier less technological eras. Mankind is far healthier and happier than mankind has been at any other point in history.

Demonstrate care and precision in word choice by using "decisive" only once and by not using "mankind" at all, unless you are speaking of only males.

In general, however, your grammar and word choice are strong. I notice a few awkward sentences but few glaring errors.

Here's one fix:

It is now routine to get a heart replacement, which was an unimaginable in the past ; with 30,000 people do so every year.

Writing Feedback / Essay on the Types of Germs - bacteria [22]

To protect your body away from bacteria, you have to wash your hands frequently, especially after going to the bathroom, after entering public places and after handling animals .

As you can see from these corrections to a single sentence, you still need to attend carefully to the question of plurals. How many other instances can you find where you have used the singular when you ought to have used the plural?

Research Papers / Your way of writing 10 or more pages research paper (univ or college level) [10]

Yes, that is absolutely essential. Even if you must write on an assigned topic, find something about that topic that genuinely interests you and then use that as the narrow focus of your paper. It's worthwhile to spend time on this aspect of pre-writing before plunging into other tasks. However, you may need to do some preliminary research in order to learn enough to know what will interest you.

Grammar, Usage / Tasteful Thank You [11]

I agree that it's not necessary to send a "thank you" unless there is something to thank the person for.

Scholarship / I have studied intensively, especially maths and physics for the past twelve years - scholarship [38]

Yes, it's always a good idea to mention such things, if only briefly. I'd also like to see you expand your account of your volunteer activities, perhaps by telling a story.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay on why people want to study (give me any comment on my following essay) [8]

Very strong!

Only very minor errors, such as:

colleges and universities offer a brand new experiences

However, as time changes, so does the phenomena.

Undergraduate / Skills Test Essay Seneca college (fall 2009) [6]

What skill test? Where?

Grammar, Usage / When you notice errors in news articles routinely... [5]

Right, and the relationship between Israel and the U.S. is not volatile. And, yes you are right that diffuse does mean to spread out, and so it can be used to describe the kind of weakening that occurs when something becomes less potent by being diluted. Here is where you were right: That's a very poor choice of word to describe what the writer meant to say. It wasn't wrong or grammatically incorrect, but its associations aren't quite right for the situation.

Undergraduate / FSU addmissions essay ("I believe your University will give me the knowledge") [10]

Look at the very first words of your introduction, "I have decided to apply to Florida State University..." Is that not true of any other applicant? Are there any words less likely to make a strong first impression?

Start with a story or short statement about yourself that illustrates the virtue you want the essay to demonstrate.

Grammar, Usage / When you notice errors in news articles routinely... [5]

Defuse = make less explosive, as in defusing a bomb
Diffuse = weaken, as in adding water to strong tea

Since tensions between the U.S. and Israel are by no means explosive, I'd guess diffuse is, indeed, what was meant. But, good question!

Undergraduate / "Comrade Hu and passion for languages" - College Admissions Essay Introduction [13]

I'm going to disagree with Mustafa. The intro is charming and engaging, and would not confuse an admissions officer, who would have reference to the cultural and historical associations necessary to make sense of the piece. I say: Keep it.

Grammar, Usage / Vocab: Martinet [12]

"Martinet" is most commonly used to refer to males, although nothing prohibits its use in describing a female.

I really like this idea of posting new words, with definitions and examples in this thread. Thanks for starting it!

Writing Feedback / CBEST: Technology today has been positive or negative impact? [16]

This is much stronger, although there is still too much repetition of simple ideas for my taste.

Graduate / Post-graduation Statement of Purpose [22]


You're not the only one! That's why I always encourage students to use text messaging abbreviations only when actually texting.

Writing Feedback / Cultural psychology short paper [9]

I'd go even further than Sean suggested, and skip the introduction to Lenore altogether. I'd start with a vivid description of the meal and then backtrack to provide the background information about immigration from Israel, etc.

Book Reports / "The Catcher in the Rye" and "Igby Goes Down" essay [3]


It's always a good idea to work from your teacher's instructions, as s/he has an idea of how it will be best for you to approach the work and, if you can show that you followed the recommended approach, that will help you if there is any question about grading.

So, for each text, ask yourself how values and attitudes of non-conformity are explored. For each text in turn, think about content -- the plot of the work. Then think about the author's purpose. Then think about the writing techniques used by the author. Jot down your any ideas that arise during these reflections, and you will find your thesis in your notes.

Graduate / Post-graduation Statement of Purpose [22]


To improve your grammar, get into the habit of always writing in full words and sentences, rather than using text messaging abbreviations such as "wud" and "gr8."

Essays / How can i outline the the main features of my topic without listing them? [3]

Yes, let us see your introduction, including a list of arguments, and then we can let you know if there is a more creative way to introduce them. You do want to do the list in sentence form, rather than by using bullet points, but otherwise listing is fine.

Scholarship / I have studied intensively, especially maths and physics for the past twelve years - scholarship [38]

First, lead with your strengths rather than with your weakness.

Next, go through and do whatever you can to fix up the grammar. Let me suggest one issue on which to work, and perhaps other forum members can suggest specific corrections. I notice that your verbs go back and forth between present tense and past tense almost at random. Look at each sentence in turn, asking yourself whether you are talking about the past (what you did before), the present (who you are now, what is true now), or the future (what you hope will happen). Then make sure you have chosen the appropriate verb form.

Writing Feedback / The Advantages of Capital Punishment-- very short essay -- [6]

Again, I suggest that you begin again. Start with a clear statement of your thesis. Do not write strings of clauses connected by commas. Look at the two sentences I selected. I have already told you how to fix the first one. Make that correction. For the second sentence, I cannot make corrections, because your meaning is unclear to me. I do know that it should be broken into several short sentences. Do that, and post the result here. Once we have gotten your introduction straightened out, we can think about the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / The importance of Register in Marketing professions [7]

I'm sorry, but that cannot possibly be the correct question. It does not make sense. Again, check with a classmate or your professor.,

Letters / help with my cover letter, response to job offer for a retail sales clerk [4]

I think you spend too much time on what you need from them and not enough time saying why they should want to hire you. Why should they make you -- of all other applicants -- a job offer? What do you have to offer that is not available to them locally? Answer those questions, and you will be more likely to succeed.

Writing Feedback / The Advantages of Capital Punishment-- very short essay -- [6]

I can give you some feedback to help you improve the essay yourself. The first thing you must do is establish basic competence in English while stating your thesis. As it stands, the essay begins with two extremely long run on sentences:

There are some important advantages of capital punishment, and why the capital punishment is a good way to punish the people, and the advantages of capital punishment.

Capital punishment is an important way to punish the criminals, who killed people or who slaughters people because they killed people, so depend on their criminals, they deserve the capital punishment.

I think that the first sentence could end where you have the first comma. The second sentence becomes incoherent by the clause "so depend on their criminals." Since I can't figure out what you are saying, I can't suggest how to rephrase it. Start again, using very short, simple sentences.

Letters / Cover letter to a Screening Committee; Network Support Specialist [4]

Sean is right. Your letter is fine, as far as it goes. And, of course, you are not hoping to be hired for a job that requires writing, so you need not demonstrate especially creative writing skills. But, the things to do to make the letter more interesting are also the things to do to make yourself a more attractive candidate. By providing more details and examples, you make your claims of expertise more credible.

Undergraduate / Applying to Rutgers Fall 09; 'vibrant and vivacious community' [11]

It's not snobby to sing your own praises in an admission essay!

Essays / Narrative Essay - having lunch with any famous person [7]

In my experience, writing an essay n the form of a dialogue is so rarely done that the author always stands out from the crowd. Of course, if you stand out, then you have to do something to make good use of the attention! If you're going to be creative, be really creative! And, be sure that your grammar and punctuation are impeccable, because each sentence stands out starkly in a dialogue.

Graduate / Post-graduation Statement of Purpose [22]

I like the content of this essay, but there are too many grammatical errors for a graduate admission essay. Watch out for sentence fragments. I see that you also sometimes misuse prepositions, so you may want to brush up on them.

Undergraduate / Master' s Degree in Social Work - admission essay [3]

You say that "During my work period I got an opportunity to closely observe every political, criminal and social issues of my country." Surely, you must have some stories to tell! As Sean says, details and examples are what this essay needs most.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - modern society has become more complex, so it is essential for the young people [10]

Your opening image, while arresting, still needs explication.

Graduate / 'my passion for teaching and working with children' - Graduate Essay (Dept:special education) [6]

Once you have given help or feedback to another user, you will be able to start a thread of your own. Check out the FAQ for the forum for more answers.

Research Papers / Research paper on HR related topics [6]

I don't understand. How is that an HR related topic?

Writing Feedback / My first essay exercise - "we learn our most important lessons in school?" [3]

I'd get rid of phrases such as "give the devil his due" too.

I'm more concerned by grammar than by content at this point. For example, your conclusion is incoherent because it has four prefacing phrases -- "in conclusion," "according to me," (which Mustapha is right you should avoid), and "from this view of the subject," and "I'd like to agree that" -- followed by a a main clause -- "we acquire the knowledge outside of school is the more important" -- that is grammatically incorrect.

Writing Feedback / Yet another CBEST Essay - an unforgettable person you have encountered in life [4]

I agree that the essay is quite good. It's very vivid with a variety of sentence structures. There are errors, but not so significant as to interfere with your meaning. Here are some suggested corrections:

I was inspired; this is wha t I want to be able to do; this was a career for me.

He bubbled over in class with excitement and interest, even when he was teaching a subject he had gone over for years.

Writing Feedback / CBEST: Technology today has been positive or negative impact? [16]

Instead of "faster, easy, and more precisely" say "more quickly, easily, and precisely." Can you hear how better that sounds? That's because the items in the list now agree with each other in form. Always strive for such agreement within lists.

Undergraduate / The importance of Register in Marketing professions [7]

"Importance of register?" That doesn't even make grammatical sense! I think you've gotten something wrong. What are the exact words of the assignment? Double-check with the instructor or a classmate if you're just going on what you wrote down when given the assignment orally.