Essays / The methods of argumentative essays [9]

APA = American Psychological Association. APA style is a referencing system. While APA style does lay out formatting and organization guidelines for writing reports on scholarly research, there are no guidelines concerning argumentative or any other kind of essay writing. So, I am assuming that you instructor wants you to use APA style for citing your sources in your argumentative essay. Follow your instructor's guidelines for organizing the essay. APA style guidelines are posted all over the internet and probably on the website of your college or university library.

Undergraduate / Personal statement "The fear." [5]


I like this sentence a lot, although it is not quite grammatically perfect ("dragged" should be "dragging"). Why? Because it is vividly and uniquely phrased. What you want to do is keep the sentences like that while getting rid of the endless iterations of "it wouldn't have happened if...," the information about what debate is or is not, and other tangential information.

Essays / I'm confused about how to understand an essay question or topic sentence [13]

The first two sentences of the prompt just lay out the situation for you. The instructions begin with the third sentence. You are asked to "compare the advantages of having friends who are different from you with the advantages of friends who are similar to you." That means you must say what are the benefits of each kind of friend. Then you are asked to say which you prefer and why.

So, your essay should be organized as follows:

I. Introduction, including thesis statement. The thesis statement should say that there are advantages of each but that you prefer whichever it is that you prefer.

II. First body paragraph, on the advantages of friends who are different than you.
III. Second body paragraph, on the advantages of friends who are similar to you.
IV. Third body paragraph, on which kind of friend you prefer and why.
V. Conclusion, restating your points and summing up your opinion.

Each of the body paragraphs should begin with a topic sentence that gives the main idea that you will explain in the paragraph.

Scholarship / "A good teacher is like a candle" - Scholarship Essay [5]

My guess is that many applicants for this scholarship will identify a teacher or teachers as their significant person. The problem is, that nothing you say about your teachers makes them stand out in any way from all of the other teachers your competitors will be writing about. Indeed, by writing so vaguely about teachers as a group, rather than vividly about a particular teacher, you make your essay weaker than the usual teacher-related essay. My advise? Start over. Choose a specific teacher. Mention your parents and the other teachers as background, but be sure to describe that teacher vividly and specifically.

Undergraduate / "Dance, my true nature" - FSU Essay! [4]

Dance is movement, action. Sadly, in writing about dance, you have used very few action verbs, relying too heavily on variants of "to be" and "to have" instead. Revise, looking for every opportunity to use an action verb instead of "is," "was, "had," and etc. While you're at it, replace vague phrases such as "just amazing" with more specific words or images.

Writing Feedback / Essay on a carpe diem quote [3]

You do a very good job of explicating the quote, but spend very little time explaining how it relates to "carpe diem." Expand that part.

Undergraduate / "no other choice but to become Saudi" - Describe the world you come from [8]

Oh, heavens! She is female in Saudi Arabia: by law, a second-class citizen without full legal rights! To demand that she say the positive things about her country is ludicrous. If she has such positive feelings, fine; she will say them. But no admissions officer would look at the application of a member of any overtly discriminated against group in a particular country and expect that person to say what's good about a country that denies them full legal rights.

No, the only trouble with this essay is that it becomes trite and vague toward the end. What opportunities, exactly, does the writer feel that other young women ought to seize? How, exactly, does she envision making her country "greener"?

Undergraduate / National Merit Essay: "My First Gig" [2]


The subject of this essay is lively and compelling, but sentences like this rob it of its power. "Not only from a listening perspective but also from a performing standpoint"? Do you mean "as both a listener and a performer"? Wouldn't it be easier to say it that way? Get rid of all of the extra words and overly formal clauses cluttering your sentences.

Essays / Why should I be appointed a prefect of the school [3]

Why isn't your son here asking for our help with his essay?

Dissertations / "Chronic osmotic stimuli" - PhD thesis [5]

I think there is some mutual conclusion going on. I know that I cannot understand what it is you want. Further, you keep asking for a thesis. Do you mean a thesis statement? A citation to a previous study on that subject? Or are you asking the members of this forum, where writers provide feedback to one another, to perform and report on your experiment for you?

Undergraduate / University of Michigan diversity essay - holiday in Indonesia [10]


I disagree. This is the diversity essay portion of the application. Relatively few applicants have experienced this level of discrimination. Fewer still have traveled or lived somewhere where racial conflict is quite so actively dangerous. Experiences like this make the concept of "diversity" a real, heartfelt, goal rather than an abstract notion.

Undergraduate / "my obstacle was acne" UCF Essay [12]


Right, and at the most basic level, they are both about being judged by one's skin. Simply stating this will make the essay feel more coherent.

Graduate / 'Life without light, gas, food..' - diversity statement for law school [7]

I have a hard time reading your second version, as it appears here as one long chunk of text. Inserting line breaks between paragraphs would help. Did you take out the part about being without lights? Put that back in! What happened to the chili and French toast? Put those back in! Details are essential!

I am going to say something I usually don't say: Ignore the feedback that you received above. Generally peer feedback is best, but it's the job of the forum moderators to step in if good advice has not been given. You are applying to law school, not preparing for an IELTS test or writing an undergraduate admissions essay.

You have identified yourself as an African American woman from a sometimes impoverished background and described, in excellent and vivid detail, what that has been like for you. Women of color in general and women of color from poor or working class backgrounds in particular are in very short supply at law schools. Simply by bringing your experiences into the classroom, you will be helping the university to meet its need for diversity. If you can go further and show that you know what legal scholars have said about this, that would be even better. Are you familiar with Critical Race Theory? This is a sub-field within Critical Legal Studies which holds that the standpoint of the legal scholar, in terms of his or her background and life experiences, does influence perception and reasoning and that, for this reason, diversity among judges, legal scholars, etc. is absolutely essential. You may want to make reference to this theory if you are familiar with it. If you are familiar with the work of Patricia J. Williams (many of her essays are online) or other women of color who have written of their experiences in the legal field, that would also be useful.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / UF Admission Essay: Student Company [11]


I don't see you offering that service to other forum members. Your one comment on another member's essay was quite brief. You will find that you will get more out of this forum if you put more into it.

Writing Feedback / Many Animal are getting extinct from this world, describe the ways to protect . [3]

The substance of this essay is solid. Your struggle is with grammar. I wonder if you might be better served by taking a break from incessant essay writing in order to do some grammar drills.

Undergraduate / "I will write" - UC Transfer Personal Statement [5]

You are trying to showcase your creative writing here. You do very well at vivid description, but your imagery is stale and you rely on trite phrases such as "shattered" dreams, time "running its course," "blank stares, "deep depression," and "the power of writing." Creative writers are creative: They make up their own images and phrases rather than relying on worn-out ways of speaking that everybody uses. Revise, trying to find your own way of saying things that you now express in words and phrases that everybody uses.

Writing Feedback / A SOCIETY IS BASED ON LAWS AND RULES. DISCUSS THE PERSON WHO WANT TO LIVE FREELY [3]


This is a perfect example of what I wrote about a previous essay of yours: You are writing long sentences into which errors inevitably creep. I am sorry to have to say this so bluntly, but your English skills are simply not sufficient to allow you to write at that level of complexity. You must write short, simple, error-free sentences if you want to have any chance at all of passing the IELTS. What, exactly, are you saying here? I can't rewrite it for you, because I can't figure out what you are trying to say.

Let me try rewriting another sentence:


Rewrite:
Secondly,all people have their own minds and ways of thinking.S ometimes, for fun,a person might start beating other people to show that he has so much power and courage.so that time theseIn that insance, laws help other people to get compensation for their injuries.or the person get punished by society.Laws also punish that person for his crimes.

Undergraduate / UF app essay two, I decided to write a completely different essay [6]

Hmmm... the digression about Marshalls really takes us off track. Also, I notice that you do not name your mother's disease. It's OK if you want to keep that private but that, in combination with an overall tendency toward vagueness (except about Marshalls) makes this essay much more generic than it ought to be, given the emotionality of your story.

Speeches / persuasive speech writing on I WILL BE THE RULER [9]

Any island in particular? Why, in fact, should you rather than your competitor be the ruler? Answer that for us and you are on your way to writing the speech.

(Of course, some of us wonder why there needs to be a ruler at all, but I guess we can leave that discussion for another day on another thread.)

Undergraduate / UF Admission Essay: Student Company [11]

Kristyn, perhaps you don't realise that the British spellings of those words use "s" rather than "z." While "z" is preferred in the States, "s" is fine if the writer learned English in one of the many places in the world where British rather than American English is spoken.

Writing Feedback / MACHINES ARE BECOMING VERY SOPHISTICATED, WORKERS ARE BENEFIT FROM THAT,DISCUSS [4]

No, sorry. I can't rewrite your essay for you. Try to rewrite it yourself, using short, simple sentences. And please stop using ALL CAPITAL LETTERS.

Undergraduate / The Brink of Insanity on a Submarine (University of Washington Transfer Essay) [5]


I don't see this answered.

Writing Feedback / CBEST: Bad memories should not be treated as a hindrance but as a learning opportunity. [5]

I'm alarmed by the inappropriate verb tenses and missing words in this essay. I wonder are these the result of sloppy editing or lack of knowledge. Remember, CBEST is for educators.


"Memories" is plural. So, you should have said "hindrances" and "learning opportunities."


There should be a "the" before "past"


There should be a comma after "school" and a "the" before "bright;" "top" should be "topped."


The first comma should be a semi-colon. "Advise" should be "advised."


The comma should be a semi-colon. "on top students list" should be "on the list of top students."

& etc. & etc.

Undergraduate / "Success is a ladder..." - UCF Admissions Essay! [4]


Is there anyone in the world for whom this is not true? Probably not.

Are there many college applicants who do not at least say they believe in hard work? Are there many whose parents have not encouraged them to work hard? Again, probably not.

In short, this essay tells us next to nothing about you. That you have built it around an old saying only makes it more generic. Try again, stressing your unique experiences and qualities.

Undergraduate / I've recently realized how desperately I have been searching to find myself [4]

The content of this essay is quite strong. You should cut it down not by excising any of the narrative but, rather, by eliminating words, phrases, and sentences that do not more the narrative forward. The first sentence, for example, can go. You can edit the last paragraph down to a sentence. Similarly, the paragraph about your current school could be cut down to a sentence or two.

Writing Feedback / Toefl : professional athletes make too much money? [9]


This is too wordy. Do people really feel animosity toward a fact? Or do they feel animosity because athletes are paid so much? Do they really care that it's so much money annually or are they angry simply because it's so much money?


Because you say "compared to," the word you want is "scarce" rather than "scarcer."


This ought to be punctuated differently:

In conclusion, professional athletes deserve what they earn because they spur the economy with huge interest ; they are scarce; and they care about the society as much as others do.

However, your last point makes no sense. I care about society as much as anyone else. Does that mean I should make millions per year? Should every one who cares as much as anyone else make millions?

Undergraduate / Personal statement on Physics (UCAS); I scratch my head in frustration. [4]


I think you mean "more coherent."


Hmmm... How about "foundational" or some similar word instead of "indispensable," which isn't quite right?


This is a weak sentence, because of the "is" -- "I feel passionate about..." would be the more vivid way to say it -- and also is a jumpy transition.

It's not so much that the last paragraphs are incoherent as that they have nowhere near the same specificity and character as the charming introduction. See if you can't find a way to return to that voice for the conclusion.

Undergraduate / the president of school television network - UIUC Essay #2 [2]

Read your first sentence. It is in present tense even though you are talking about the past. Look at your second sentence. A word is missing. Two sentences in, and already you have marked yourself as careless about your work. It almost doesn't matter what you say next. Go back and edit carefully, being sure to use appropriate verb tenses.

Writing Feedback / What are the good things and bad things about the place you live in? (Toefl) [2]

This essay lacks a conclusion. Even if it's only a couple of sentences, be sure to include a summarizing conclusion in a TOEFL essay.

You are punctuating strangely. Please use these corrections as a guide for correcting all of your punctuation:

There is greene ry all around; we have a number of beautiful gardens after every 100 m. It is a very neat and clean place that is well managed by Ansals authority. It is very near to the international airport, which is just 10 km from my home. It has all basic facilities like good schools, colleges, hospitals, police station, fire station, and shopping malls. Moreover, people staying here are very cultured and cooperative .

Dissertations / "Chronic osmotic stimuli" - PhD thesis [5]

Why would you need two dissertations? Very odd. But perhaps I am misunderstanding you. In any event, we will be happy to assist you as you write your dissertation. Since you have a topic, I assume the next step is to write your prospectus so that it can be approved by your committee. At what stage in that process are you? If you've got a draft or even an outline, you can post it here -- along with the guidelines you have to follow -- for feedback.

Research Papers / 'visited the funfair' - report writing [4]

Yes, it does sound somewhat childish. I also notice some grammatical errors and odd word choices:


After they arrived, you forced them to visit your school? Surely, that can't be what you mean.


Really? The visitors to you school were so rude as to ask the principal to direct the students not to speak their own language?

"This was my first experience being a host for the foreigners, so Ifelt a little bit feeling nervous."

"I invited them to have a lunch with my family, and they enjoyed it."

Undergraduate / Marching Band (My Essay For UF) [2]

This is not an essay. It's one long run-on paragraph. Break this into paragraphs. Along the way, proofread for sentence fragments and other simple errors such as using "&" when you mean "and" or "there" when you mean "their." Once it's in essay form, we'll be better able to read and critique it.

Undergraduate / "there is more to music than just the written word" - UF undergrad essay-> 1979 [5]

You do a beautiful job of portraying the experience but fall far short when it comes to explaining how this experience "will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community."

Student Talk / Annie Dillard; What are peoples' opinions on her? [10]

And, again, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek is among the most striking works of creative nonfiction or nature writing I've ever encountered. Whatever one does or doesn't like about Dillard's more recent turn of mind, that book ought not be skipped. Besides being thought-provoking nature writing, it offers a case example of how careful observations and factual information, expressed in the unique voice of a singular narrator, can add up to fascinating reading even for people who might not be particularly interested in the subject matter.

Undergraduate / "you guys sing too fast!" j- Short Writing For Common Application [12]

Yes, this is a cute little story but I'm not sure of your purpose in telling it. Perhaps we could clarify that before getting into the grammar. (No need to fix up the grammar if you're going to change it completely.)

Undergraduate / How Do You Think Your University Study Will Affect Your Career In The Future [6]

I agree with Liebe:

None of this is necessary. They know very well what individuals in the 21st century need. The subject of this essay is you. The purpose of the introduction is to introduce you. You do not appear here at all except peripherally and presumably as among the billions of people now alive in the 21st century.

Next, you go on to tell them what courses they offer. They can read the course catalog and, indeed, don't need to do so since they devised the curricula. Nor do they need you to tell them about the awards they have won. The subject of the essay is supposed to be you.

Start over.

Poetry / British Romantic Poetry [6]

Do some brainstorming or free-writing right after you read a poem, jotting down your feelings and impressions. Then go back, line by line, and collect evidence for whatever you have to say about the poem. Once you have some ideas and some quotes from the poem to back them up then you can think about organizing those ideas into an essay.

Undergraduate / Write about someone who has impacted your life and why ("My mother") [3]


Was there some sort of 20 minute limit in effect?

That said, choosing a parent for this prompt places you at a disadvantage, as this is the most common choice. If you are going to write about a parent and would like your essay to stand out from the crowd, you will need to write vividly and have something unique to point out about this particular parent, understanding that virtually all of the parents in essays encourage their children to do well, model a strong work ethic, sacrifice themselves to care for their children, etc., etc.

So: Your introduction has to go. It's dull and in no way introduces either you or your mother as a distinct individual any different from the scores of other students and mothers in the essays your readers will be wading through.

Writing Feedback / SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT STUDENTS STUDY EFFECIENTLY IN GROUPS.DISCUSS [5]

I'm happy to see that you've quit writing your essays in ALL CAPS. But EF-Team is right that your habit of using ALL CAPS for titles, etc. is off-putting. In general, ALL CAPS is only ever used in headlines. Even there, the norm has become to use Bold rather than ALL CAPS.

Undergraduate / 'Strong Mechanical Engineer' - Personal Statement 250 words min. Why Transfer? [3]

I would dispense with the vague platitudes about what you want from a university and focus on the narrow questions of what programs or courses Cornell offers that simply are not available at your current school. This is not a matter of trashing your current school as recognizing, simply, that there is not a good match between what you want and what is on offer.