Writing Feedback / MACHINES ARE BECOMING VERY SOPHISTICATED, WORKERS ARE BENEFIT FROM THAT,DISCUSS [4]

I notice a tendency to write run-on sentence. Also, the longer your sentences become, the more likely they are to contain errors. Rewrite this, breaking your long sentences into short, simple sentences.

Writing Feedback / To what extent is your society effectively dealing with crime? [4]

Avoid making assumptions. Be specific. People always say that crime is getting worse. Is it really? What sorts of crime plague your community? What, exactly, have communities or authorities done about this crime? Have those efforts been effective or ineffective? What ought to be done additionally or differently?

Essays / Need help in writing a research Proposal (MS or MSc in Management Sciences). Topic choice. [12]

In writing the proposal, you must be guided by the guidelines of your school. Every graduate school has quite precise specifications for research proposals. These vary from school to school.

But, of course, before you start writing your proposal, you must know what you want to research and by what means you intend to do so. Have you settled that yet?

Writing Feedback / SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT STUDENTS STUDY EFFECIENTLY IN GROUPS.DISCUSS [5]


This can't be the prompt, as it has grammatical errors. Look back at the prompt. Compare it to what you typed here. You changed it, creating an error. Recognizing this will help you to learn to catch your errors. As you will see, you changed the verb form. And, indeed, your greatest problem is with verb voices and tenses.

T hey get good marks and their problems are solved within the group...

Firstly, the students can clarify their problems ...

Writing Feedback / CBEST: If you could be any age that you wanted to be, what age would you choose? [2]

Hmm... This is fine, but simplistic. I wonder if you might want to say something about valuing what you have learned in the years since or perhaps recognizing the challenges that 21 year olds face, just to make it a bit more complex.

Writing Feedback / Everything began during the hot and breezy Summer ; Reality check essay [3]

You mean "prosecution" not "persecution."

To cut this down to size, go through and take out any details that don't contribute to the story. For example:

Just days before my graduation, I quit my job at Carvel Ice Cream, where I was only compensated $6.75 an hour there, which wasearned minimum wage at the time in California .

While you're at it, make sure that all of your verb tenses are correct: Use past tense for the past!

Undergraduate / Spacing, characters, word limit my personal statement? [8]

Try 1.5. Single is probably too dense for a typewritten page, but 1.5 ought to be good enough.

Undergraduate / "my obstacle was acne" UCF Essay [12]

Bravo for writing about what must have been years filled with shame.

"Acne clad" is not quite right, though. "Clad" is used only for things that one wears, such as a coat or a dress.

Undergraduate / "Asperger's Syndrome patients" - COMMON APP SHORT ANSWER [3]


(1) Why would emotion interfere with the ability to care for children? Isn't empathy absolutely necessary? (2) Do you really mean "ambivalent" here? You wanted to have mixed emotions about these children?

Undergraduate / Carcarones and History Student of the Year Awards... [3]


Huh? "Has been created"? By whom? In thirst? How?


Again: Huh? You revolve around skills? I am trying to picture this, which is hard as skills are intangible and thus not something that can be revolved around. Are you doing pirouettes?

You get the idea, I hope: In striving to word this essay formally, you have worded it very awkwardly. Go back through and say what you mean directly, using strong action verbs. You may find that so doing will put the "soul" back into your words.

Writing Feedback / CHILDREN SHOULD LISTEN TO THEIR PARENTS AND TEACHER, GIVE YOUR OPINION [4]


Really? Are you sure of that? How do you know? Here we have another example of a constructed introduction that makes unsupported and unnecessary claims. There is no need to assert such a claim in order to answer the question.


Again: Really? Always?

And, again, there's just no need to make such incredible claims. Just answer the question without musing on modern society or any other irrelevant generality.

Graduate / SOME PEOPLE THINK SCIENTIFIC WORK ON PLANTS AND FOOD IS GOOD OR BAD. DISCUSS [3]

I'm guessing that you are referring to biotechnology (also known as genetic engineering). Nobody thinks that scientific work on plants and food is bad, but some people -- including many scientists -- oppose genetic engineering of food crops (or of plants in general) for various ethical, ecological, and health-related reasons.

Undergraduate / All of a sudden everything is different; it was as if I'm experiencing the plots of a drama; Tragedy [9]

Let me address grammar, since others have been handling content. You jump from present to past tense and sometimes use completely inappropriate verb tenses. I don't think that your English skills are sufficiently strong to use the dramatic but difficult tactic of writing in present tense about past events. Revise for grammar, paying close attention to your verbs and keeping everything that happened in the past in past tense.

Undergraduate / "1...2...BOOM!"- Common app [9]

Yes, this is a very strong essay but perhaps overly long. Don't take out anything of substance but do edit down your sentences for concision. For example, you can say "as I grew" or "year by year" -- you don't need both!

Undergraduate / Another one for Roomies... (So many people are applying to Standford !) [22]

Hah. And, in general, empty modifiers like "really" -- which don't actually mean anything and thus add nothing of substance to the sentence -- should be avoided altogether.

Undergraduate / 'Dominating sports' - Overcoming Obstacles: University of Michigan [3]

Right, your judgment in going against doctor's orders might also be questioned. I know that this story fits into the "athlete as hero persisting against all odds" category and that this is why it appeals to you. But it feels trite to me. Perhaps that's because there's very little feeling in it, just a recitation of not particularly fascinating facts. We've all heard this story before. Make it come alive by sharing more details that bring you and your personality into the picture.

Student Talk / Annie Dillard; What are peoples' opinions on her? [10]

Ah, well, she used to write from a stance that allowed the reader to simply see the world through her eyes. But recently she has been writing in a more moralistic vein that seems to be inflected by her (perhaps new) religious beliefs.

Writing Feedback / Your favorite movie (in IMAX Theater) [8]


I'm very glad to know this.


"Pastime" is a noun, not an adjective. It means an activity done to pass the time. So, you must say "among my favorite pastimes."

Writing Feedback / whether solving the problems needs understand the past? [9]

In this sort of essay, your introduction and conclusion should say essentially the same thing, just in slightly different words.

Writing Feedback / Children should start attending school at a very young age even b4 they can read [4]


What is the distinction between schooling and education?


Recently?!? Haven't children always gone to school in order to learn to read? Thus, haven't children always started school before they could read?

You have some good ideas in this essay. But you have made a very common error in writing an introduction that creates a controversy where none exists. Of course children must start school before they can read! Now, whether children should start school at age four or age five, that is a real question. But, even there, most educators and parents agree that the answer depends on the child. Some children have developed the maturity to benefit from school at age four while others are not ready until age five. You could still make all of the arguments you make simply by making your thesis be that children should be allowed to start school as soon as they have developed the ability to socialize with others, sit still for lessons, etc.

Writing Feedback / If you could change one important thing about your country, what would you change? [4]


Strike this. It is unnecessary.


Absolutely true. So why, then, is it particularly necessary to change education in your country? What it your country, anyway? You don't say.

To answer this essay prompt properly, you need to identify your country, say precisely and concisely what is wrong with its education system, and then say how you would change that system. You have done some parts of that -- I am guessing, from what you have written, that you believe there is too much emphasis on rote learning and too little use of educational techniques that involve students in active discovery of knowledge -- but, overall, the essay is too vague.

Graduate / SOP for MS Computer science [3]


There are too many "ands" in this sentence. I can barely make sense of it.


This isn't quite phrased correctly. You are not yet involved in research and teaching. So, you need to say something like, "this motivates me to become involved in research and teaching in the future."

However, I am not going to recommend that because it is just too dull.


Either XYZ is a strong research institution or it is not. If so, it certainly doesn't matter whether you consider it to be so. If you have studied the university so extensively, then you ought to be able to say which of its ongoing research projects interests you and/or which professor or professors with whom you would like to work. Be specific!

Indeed, that is my recommendation for your introduction as well. You have many details in the body of the essay, but the introduction is vague and unfocused. Say something that decisively introduces you and/or your specific research interests.

Undergraduate / Music, Libra, Science - Common App// Topic of Choice [16]

Any engineering school, for example. You've demonstrated yourself to be a dreamy free-thinker with a bent for both arts and science. Some schools will love, just love, that. But any school that favors regimented thinking over free-form exploration is not going to be charmed by the introductory passages.

Student Talk / Annie Dillard; What are peoples' opinions on her? [10]

Oh, Annie Dillard! I and a friend of mine both pull our hair out over her. Her early writing is extraordinary. Pilgrim at Tinker Creek is among the most striking books I've ever read. Her voice is vivid and her perceptions sometimes breathtaking. I suggest that anyone interested in either nature writing or creative nonfiction read it immediately and often. Her first memoir is also excellent. But she seems, at least to me, to have gone soft in the head more recently. I don't like her ideas at all. And she's always been weaker when writing about people and their relationships than writing about nature, animals, or her relationship to nature and animals.

I've not read the work you're reading, so I can't comment on that. But I can empathize with the emotion of being vexed by Annie Dillard.

Writing Feedback / whether solving the problems needs understand the past? [9]


Ah, and I told you then to quit using it. It does not work. It makes your essays sound strange and disjointed. I understand how it is to get attached to a metaphor but you simply must quit putting this one into almost every essay you write. If what you mean is that everyone has a different perspective, just say that.

Writing Feedback / Your favorite movie (in IMAX Theater) [8]

You can say that is among your favorite pastimes. That is perfectly acceptable.

I'm assuming that you're writing this as an exercise in English proficiency, so I will analyze it at that level rather than worrying about higher-level style considerations.

"I explain you" should be "I will explain to you" but should be struck anyway as it is not necessary to say what you are doing in an essay so simple. Similarly:for example, I am telling you about Transformers (2007) and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Spiderman, and Under the Sea and etc.all appear more vivid on the bigger screen.

Watch out for your verb tenses. In the paragraph where you talk about IMAX film, you start in the present tense, which is correct as this is something IMAX still does, but switch to the past tense, which is incorrect in this instance.

Undergraduate / "Chinese boy raised in Malaysia" University of Wisconsin Essay [22]

I am a...
It has been...
It is very...

These weak verbs deprive your essay of energy. Use action verbs and vivid imagery to tell your story. Then, maybe, Liebe will retract his "vapid" comment.

Writing Feedback / 'saving land for the endangered animals' - toefl IBT issue [7]

This is why TOEFL essay writers should skip the (all too common) introductions that talk about "modern society" or other such empty generalities and launch right into the question and the thesis. Too many writers waste precious minutes writing elaborate introductions that aren't very good anyway.

Poetry / British Romantic Poetry [6]

We can't provide any poetry for you, but we can give you some help in finding some online. Go to Project Bartleby and browse the online archives there. That should provide you with all the poetry you need. If you're not satisfied with the famous poems on offer there, you could always turn to Google Books.

Once you've found a poem or poems and have written an analysis, post it here for feedback. Or, if you've read the poetry but are having a hard time with the analysis, tell us what you've read and what ideas you have, and we can help you with brainstorming and organizing your ideas.

Undergraduate / Participating in the regional science fair (Common App- Short Answer) [4]

This is fine but dull. What I mean is that it's serviceable and won't hurt you, but I suspect it could be more interesting. Could you, perhaps, try to convey (rather than just report) your fascination with the subjects you studied or your excitement in experimentation?

Undergraduate / from africa to usa (how to start my personal statement?) [7]

I just deleted one of your comments on another member's essay. You must make substantial comments in order for them to count towards being able to post a new thread of your own.

Writing Feedback / The restraint of power - "Of all the manifestations* of power essay [2]

"Overpowered" means overwhelmed by somebody or something with more power. I think what you mean is the exact opposite -- somebody with too much power. Be very careful using new words unless you are absolutely certain of their meaning.


Are they all operating according to the same shared plan? If not, then the word you want is "plans."

"Last but not least, everyone plays a pivotal role in an organizations daily operations ."

Writing Feedback / whether solving the problems needs understand the past? [9]


Wait a minute! Where have I seen that metaphor before? In an essay on this forum! Where did you get it? Why in the world are you using it here?

I assume you are writing this for a TOEFL, IELTS, or similar exam. Here's my advice: Skip the metaphors. Answer simply, directly, and completely. In this essay, the CD&D example is very good but the whole essay is thrown off kilter by the strange reference to Hamlet in the introduction. If what you wanted to say is something similar to what you said in the conclusion, just say that.

Undergraduate / "one week to compensate for 7 years of absence" - UF Topic [11]


We've seen so many UF essays. Please, oh please, do tell us what makes somebody "Gator-material."

Writing Feedback / Do you think the educational benefits of test & exam outweigh any disadvantages? [4]

Sorry, no, we can't score the essay. But we can continue to offer suggestions and corrections for any other practice essays you submit. Just be sure to do your part by helping other forum members with their essays.

Undergraduate / 'I went up on the stage and bowed' - Common App - Random Topic [13]

I don't want to ascribe sentiments to your friends, but this topic is fine.

Undergraduate / Music, Libra, Science - Common App// Topic of Choice [16]

Where are you applying? -- that's the question. This free-flowing, quirky meditation is perfect for some schools but would be disastrous for others.

Undergraduate / PRATT INSTITUTE ESSAY (why do you want to attend) [8]


Talk about personification! That sounds like the mark itself, rather than the writer or speaker, is excited.

Though, I must admit that I like the idea of overly-emotional punctuation marks running about.

Graduate / 'Gibbons and childhood' - Admissions Essay for Vet School [6]

Do some free-writing just for yourself in which you explore your experiences with animals and your experiences with them. See what comes out. Writing from the heart just for yourself can often lead to insights or recollections that can then be used in more formal, yet still genuine, essays.

Also, if compassion for animals is among your chief motivations for pursuing this field of study, be sure to research they schools to which you apply very carefully. Vet schools vary widely in the degree to which their own practices are humane. I believe that In Defense of Animals, which was founded by a veterinarian, has some information about that on their website. There's also an organization called Veterinarians for Animal Rights that ought to be able to advise you on finding a program that will not require you to abuse animals in order to prepare to heal them.

Writing Feedback / Making A Difference (to save the environment) [9]

Very kindly put, Catalyst. And accurate, too.