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Posts by Brezeck
Joined: Oct 20, 2009
Last Post: Oct 20, 2009
Threads: 1
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Brezeck   
Oct 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Want to get help on my Common Application Essay: an experience [8]

Hi you guys. I'm new here and this is my first thread. I want all of you to help me look at my Commonapp essay. Any comment, just let me know.

thank you all first =)

The topic is to discuss an experience that is significant... i think you guys all know it.

=======================================

Like most adolescents, I cannot leave Google - I use Gmail, Google Maps, and even set iGoogle (a kind of customized web portal service by Google) as the home page of my browser. Everyday I say "Good morning" to Google and "Have a sweet dream". Google has already become an inseparable part of my life.

Google also has a service called Gtalk, one of the most popular instant messenger services in the world. I use it a lot because it is so convenient - I can talk with my friends from any corner of the world, when I am just regularly checking my inbox. However, one day when I was surfing the web, I found that the left column of iGoogle seemed so empty and missing something, while I had to talk with my Zimbabwe friend on Gtalk on another window. In a wink I realized that should Google utilize the blank space by putting a Gtalk widget on it, Gtalk would be more popular because every day there are millions of search queries via Google globally! I believed that change would benefit both Google and its users, facilitating our communications and bringing Google considerable market share.

Then, I took instant actions but met some barricades - I found nowhere to send my suggestions because Google did not have a special place for users to submit their advice. I posted entries in Google Groups, sent emails to several departments at Google, and even wrote to its CEO, Eric Schmidt. However, most of the emails got no reply and I only heard a "Thanks, but" from one departments. I did not give up but imitated Andy Dufresne, the protagonist in the Shawshank Redemption, by writing to the "generous" department weekly. Although every email I wrote became spam letters, I was not discouraged by the disregard, writing twice a week instead in order to see the result I deserve. To me, this action became more than making suggestions, but obstinate belief, and unbending resolution.

A year after I first wrote to Google, I got a reply from the department again. They said they did not cope with this issue but would forward my email to the relevant sector. About 2 months later, millions of Google users all over the world started to use Gtalk on their iGoogle pages. Is this harvest cultivated by me? Well, I do not know since I have not received any checks or thanks letters yet. I am still the cipher who logs on Google everyday. It seems that this encounter does not have any impact on my life, but Gtalk is happy to see the boom of users. But in fact, what I gain from this bittersweet experience is far more than changing how a giant corporate, Google, operates:

Keep moving.
Brezeck   
Oct 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Want to get help on my Common Application Essay: an experience [8]

@Maojia Wang

wow man. this is a good suggestion! that is a hint... i think being humorous is helpful. thank you!

you might come from China, too.

Best lucks!

=========

@vothiha

ahhaa. never mind that. as i said in this essay. i never knew whether this harvest is cultivated by me :p

anyway, do you have any suggestions on my essay?

thank you!
Brezeck   
Oct 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app - Italy!! Legend words [8]

first, i think the first graph should be in past tense?

then, in second paragraph, i don't know "extravaganza" very much but i think it might be inappropriate, meaning extravagant entertainment show. suggest you to look up in dictionary again...

and, in 4th para.. the "is essential to becoming " i think should be "essential to become"?

last, the last sentence "I smiled because I knew the Universe (and all the spirits of my Italian ancestry) was listening." is a little bit stupid... i suggest you to delete the bracket, and change it to "the universe, including my Italian ancestry was listening." or something better and smarter.

these are details...

when all comes to all, i agree with Maojia. and, in a word, i like your essay very much and i admire you have foreign background. try to be concise and this essay would be great

best lucks!
Brezeck   
Oct 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Such A Girl, Such A Dream -- common app essay [6]

i like to see details lol...first, i agree with ayida as you usually repeat the words. but it's okay and easy to fix up

the beginning of second para i think you should say two male cousins.

and the second last para... medical expanses should be expenses.. haha

all in all, a very good and comprehensive essay. and i hope you can mix 2nd and 3rd paragraphs up and extend the 4th and 5th a little bit more, especially your indicated academic interest of dietitian, in order that this essay is not only describing such a girl, but also more importantly illustrating such a dream.

about the ending. i do not think it is very weak. It is very concise and resolute. If you want to improve it, you might try :

How do I know so much about the girl? Well, she is right me, Maojia Wang, the tough and resolute girl who always catches up with her peers, the elegant and calm lady who makes friends with books and piano, and the loyal dietitian who dedicates to human health.

or something else better than i write.. i'm really not good at writing...

best lucks,

Zeck
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