Posts by Brickwiggles

Brickwiggles

Oct 31, 2009

Undergraduate / "Making a change for the better, a photo at a time."-UF adm. essay [6]

My essay for UF admissions, I've revised it for hours and hours, still too over 100 words long, any advice or help is appreciated. Especially need a somewhat specific aim for revising.

Did Answer the prompt?
Is everything relevant?
What's the worse part?
What do I need to elaborate?
What do I need to cut out?

Answering any of these questions will help or any you can think of would be great, and if you explain how I can change it would be even better. Thank in advance.

Prompt: "Please submit a 400-500 word essay...

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service."

"Snap." One of my favorite sounds to hear, the sound my Minolta Maxxum STsi produces every time I decide what I'll capture onto film satisfies my intention. In a dark room where everywhere you look you see black and red, I work to refine and bring out the best of what I have recorded. I'll look at a table, take a deep breath, and smile as all my time and effort spent has peers and teacher approval and praise. And as I look at my work on the table, feelings of accomplishment and valor stir up, I radiate a natural glow.

...

Brickwiggles

Oct 31, 2009

Undergraduate / How my life has shaped me towards a career in robotics- UC application essay. [5]

I like your 1st essay a lot, you've answered the prompt in an interesting manner (hope I'm not being biased).

Sorry for being off-topic but:
I'm the treasurer of my robotics team in Alonso, and we have two teams- Team Fhap (I think), and Massive D. I had nothing to do with the team names, but we're taking part in the FTC Hotshot! competition this year. What's your team called and what are they doing?

Brickwiggles

Oct 31, 2009

Undergraduate / "Making a change for the better, a photo at a time."-UF adm. essay [6]

Thank you apa6177. You're right, I believe I forgot something in it.

So I've cleaned up my intro a bit, cleaned up the body and merged the two paragraphs into one, and changed the final sentence. I'd edit my first post, but it seems I don't really have that option.

Here's the body:

"My experience in my photo class has been a wonder memory so far, and has already a prodigious change on my perspective on life. I've learned when I look at a scene or an object, how I can effectively photograph it. "Would the picture have enough contrast? Is the lighting to strong or too soft? Is there a clutter of objects or too simple? Do I want them to that way?" These are the most common questions I ask myself when I'm ready to capture the scene. So, I've learned to work with what I have, good or bad to begin with, into a great print. The class has taught me how to meet deadlines, not only to work near the end just to meet it, but work consistently throughout the time period to get my best work in before the assignment is over. I've learned to interact and work smoothly with the others; being my photo teacher's "right hand man", some students will often ask for how to perform certain techniques or if a print looks great or needs improvement. Only being a photo 2 student when I feel uncertain about a print or a negative I'd ask someone, whether it's photo 2 or 3 student, who might have better expertise in the area I need help with, usually if the photo teacher is too busy to help me herself."

And final sentence:

"If I can change one person's life for the better with photography, than years of study, hard work, and mastering my skills would be more worthwhile than any amount of money or any status."

P.S. It's also 439 words now. :D

Brickwiggles

Oct 31, 2009

Undergraduate / "Making a change for the better, a photo at a time."-UF adm. essay [6]

Thanks again, your words bring me joy on this hectic day of mine.

Brickwiggles

Oct 31, 2009

Undergraduate / UF essay- "New perspective from a close experience" [5]

You should focus a little more how your brother's experience strengthened you and will help you be a better student.

This site helped me a bit with mine: quintcareers.com/college_application_essay.html

Number 1 on the list should help you with what I've said earlier: quintcareers.com/collegegate2.html

Brickwiggles

Oct 31, 2009

Undergraduate / Conduct Explaination- UF [4]

After filling this out I feel like I hardly have a chance of getting accepted into UF, but I've worked hard and it wouldn't really hurt to give it a try. Let me know if there's any way I can improve this, I haven't found any resources to help me on this.

"On the previous Personal Information page, you answered Yes to one or to both questions. Please provide your detailed explanation below. Based on the incident(s) disclosed, UF may ask for additional information up to and including all relevant court documents.

Have you ever been charged with a violation of the law that resulted in, or if still pending, could result in probation, community service, a jail sentence or the revocation or suspension of your driver's license (including traffic violations that resulted in a fine of $200 or more)?

Are you currently or have you ever been charged with or subject to disciplinary action for scholastic or any other type of misconduct at any educational institution?"

"When I lived in New York, I had a troubled sophomore year; my mom had been planning to move our family to Tampa. I was very attached to my school, my friends, and New York. I wanted to stay in New York and pleaded with my mom for months if there was anyway I could stay, but I needed help, and called attention to myself in an extremely negative way. Very upset, I started to drink alcohol as a cry for help, to the point where I tried to get myself on probation to stay in New York.

Those few months were the lowest in my life; but I am extremely grateful that I've learned and greatly reformed. It was a different place, a different time, and I am a different person. I've learned how to ask for help when I need it, and though I'm not proud of the actions I took, I'm proud of the improvement I've made; I believe the experience and the people supporting me made me a better person, morally, academically, socially. At the time I believed I had no real future, but my family, friends, and teachers have helped me see my future and strive for it.

Violation of law:
In White Plains, New York October 6th, the year 2007 I was arrested for petty larceny and unlawful possession of alcohol at the age of 15 and was given a few weeks of informal juvenile probation, until it was agreed my problem was more emotional than criminal.

In Yonkers, New York, February 2008 I was arrested for graffiti and possession of graffiti instruments in my backyard. At my arraignment I was given a curfew of 7pm and restricted from entering the area of 222 Mary Lou ave. Then I moved to Tampa, Florida and flew back to New York August 2008 for my trial and was given about a $200 dollar fee

Disciplinary charge:
I have been suspended from Charles E. Gorton High School, in Yonkers, New York. I was to be admitted St. Vincent's Westchester Hopsital outpatient day rehabilitation for 6 days until it was agreed that my problem wasn't serious enough for me miss school."