Posts by stars11

stars11

Dec 31, 2009

Student Talk / Application Question January [127]

It means Jan. 1st @ 11:59, but EST! usually. So make sure you have the right time zone. I know that some schools permit you to submit by 11:59 according to your time zone, but b/c most schools are closed on break, it's best to submit by EST time.

stars11

Dec 31, 2009

Undergraduate / NYU Supplement Shorts Answers- Summer Vacation, Famous New Yorker, Movie [5]

Don't forget to mention a Movie story title. And my suggestion (b/c I'm applying to this as well) is that since you have the 500 word limit, try to include as much detail and information as possible. There is nothing wrong with what you've mentioned- just elaborate a bit. Good luck and please check out my essays as well thank you!

stars11

Dec 31, 2009

Undergraduate / Short, funny Yale responses [4]

I wish I could get enough of few hours of sleep.

Umm, that part just seems like awkward wording. Perhaps try "I wish I could function off of few hours of sleep" or something like that.

as theater and volleyball

The "as" seems unneccesary b/c you already have the comma before it. However, you can double check.

In all honesty, I love #2 for the "why yale" question more b/c of the repetition of because and the short sentences. I love the last two sentences there as well. However,

and depth the distributional requirements system offers. Because I see in Yale a globalized environment whose diversity I can yet foster.

this part I'm not really fond of. I see that you are trying to use mature vocabulary and that is great. Esp. b/c you go from short-to long- to short sentences again in that response. However, I find myself a bit unsure of what you are trying to convey in this phrase(s).

Good luck! and please look @ mine if you get the chance!

Out of curiosity, is poisonivy based off the JB song?

stars11

Dec 31, 2009

Undergraduate / Common app Activity essay - international event [9]

Waking up at 6 AM and, in the midst of a particularly unpleasant December rain, running to catch the bus - all these

I agree with past comments that this seems like awkward wording.Perhaps try "Waking up at 6 AM and running to catch the bus, in the midst of unpleasant December rain nonetheless, seemed (insert some synonym for unbearable..or something similar). But the misfortunes were disregarded as the I sensed the inviting aroma of cappucino through the halls" I really only think up to "repaid" sounds awkward, after that the rest of the sent. is ok.

few, memorable days.

few "but" memorable...so that way you emphasize the pleasure of the event.

memoriesthat are still fresh

thatno "that" instead try "the" kind of atmosphere I always want to be part of - expanding outlooks, sharing culture, languages and dreams, and cooperating to envision a bright"er" maybe? future.

Good luck with everything!

stars11

Dec 31, 2009

Undergraduate / UPenn Supplement essay: American Philosophical Society-Bioethis Society [2]

While there is nothing significantly wrong with this beginning, I am writing the same essay and I've read several other people's essay to this prompt, and this part seems very irrelevant to the question. You only have a page limit, so you should really focus on the Philosophical Society & elaborate.

proportionsperiod here

my life's goal.

I'm almost positive that it can be "my life goal"...it just sounds awkward as "my life's goal"-->your giving "your life" a goal, not yourself. I hope that I am trying is clear, sorry.

Just overall, focus on the clubs & societies and pour more of yourself into it. That way, it really emphasizes you. Like your mentoring that you mentioned at the end- bring that up in the body! so that way, it's not like you're cramming info in at the end.

good luck!

stars11

Dec 31, 2009

Undergraduate / Upenn essay: which academic and social community are of interest to u(help) [4]

I think that you should talk about yourself now. Like don't put it in future tense as you are talking to your daughter. Because they want to focus on you as a person now, and what interests you hold currently.

Good luck!

stars11

Dec 31, 2009

Undergraduate / NYU Supplement Shorts Answers- Summer Vacation, Famous New Yorker, Movie [5]

i'm sorry, it's 500 characters, disregard my latter comment.

stars11

Dec 31, 2009

Undergraduate / Short poem + year 2050 move of my life - NYU SUPPLEMENT [5]

I may love milano cookies,
I may love beating up my brother,

I would revise these two sections just because everything else actually decribes things about you/your activities, but other than having a sweet tooth and bullying your brother (lol), these 2 lines do not describe you. That's just how I feel though.

Can you check my essays if you get a chance?

stars11

Jan 1, 2010

Undergraduate / "Single-eyed giant" - WoW essay: good or bad? [21]

I enjoyed this immensely! The beginning is def. captivating and will draw the readers in :) But what exactly was the prompt? Although I'm almost positive you excelled at it ;> Also one thing just confuses me, it could be cause I'm not familiar w/ WOW but here it is:

the difference between a placing throw and a dismal runner up

I'm not sure what "placing a throw" is but besides that, it's great!
And contractions are bad, def. no-no's.

stars11

Jan 1, 2010

Undergraduate / Upenn essay: which academic and social community are of interest to u(help) [4]

No problem. It's just my opinion b/c I know many ppl are taking that route (where they talk about themselves rn), so I don't want yours to be completely different (but not in a positive way). Honestly though, it would be a great essay otherwise!

Good luck, and can you look at some of mine?

stars11

Jan 1, 2010

Undergraduate / My jail - common app essay (crit for crit) [24]

I really like the direction you took prompt. However, I don't know how risky it will be to do a direct convo. and discuss rhetorical questions, but best of luck to you!

:P

stars11

Jan 1, 2010

Undergraduate / AT THE 217TH PAGE, ANOTHER CHANCE BEGUN.-PENN U SUPPLEMENT ESSAY [13]

"Friday, 1/1/2010", I read from my calendar, less than eight more hours till the gate would be closed

I really like this essay because it shows your perserverance. Now, if you're worried about coming off an a procrastinator, then you can just say "I looked at my calendar, I only had a limited amount of time till the gate would be closed" and therefore, the readers won't know how late you actually began the app. lol

I'll see if there is anything else that stand out, but I liked it overall!
Can you check my revision please, thank you!

stars11

Jan 1, 2010

Undergraduate / supplement: why Stanford? can i talk about something abstract ? [7]

The mind is a beautiful abstract concept yet Stanford is a beautiful reality...
The beginning is a bit iffy. Try "The mind is a beautiful,abstract concept;whereas Stanford is a beautiful reality-a place where the abstract mind can flourish.

(20 libraries!!!)if you want to keep the exclamation points, don't use up to 3. Settle with just one instead. And maybe more like "(up totwenty libraries!" [/quote]

Personally, I'm not a big fan of this "my mind" vs "the mind" thing. And while I did enjoy the intro, I'm not sure that is essay will be creative & unique in exactly the way Stanford is searching for. However, here are some more suggestions for the rest of the essay:

My mindOne of the main things that worries me about the WAY it is written, not exactly WHAT is writtten, is that you keep giving your mind & the mind humanistic characterics...it seems a little too risque. is excited at the prospect of ...

The mind is inclined to see a ~~certain way~~a certain perspective. or "in a certain way" but Stanford's liberal and ...I like the imagery here

... especially knowing that ~~Stanford admits students with character and opinions~~...that STanford students possess character... . My mind can be very spontaneous and what better place for spontaneityuse a syn. for spontaneous so it's not the same word 2x in a sent. than Stanford (Stanford band)?don't forget to get rid of the parenthesized part! Unless you are asking us a question about it? B/c otherwise, I'm not sure why it's there. The mind will never be completely understood.~~but~~However, Stanford, as a research institution, (...) (Stanford Prison Experiment!!!)same thing here with the exc. points. I know what exp. you are referring to, but I don't think it would be wise to mention the neg. aspects of Stanford- or atleast questionable. B/c you want them to accept you, so it's more sucking up than calling them out. But save it for like an interview! It's a good thought :) . I am a mind who belongs in Stanford ~~and~~- one that cannot wait to become a down to earth redwood if Redwood is the mascot than capitalisize it yet soar~~ing~~ high as a cardinal.

I like the idea, however I'm not sure if this is clear enough/what they want. Give it a little work, and I'm sorry if I sounded too critical, just trying to help you out!

Best of luck!

stars11

Feb 1, 2010

Undergraduate / MASS. College of Pharmacy and healtcare Suggestions? [2]

Write about MCPHS, why you're applying and what made you decide your intended major in 250 words or less

When I was five years old, my mother died of breast cancer. A few years later, my father died of prostate cancer. Although their deaths were untimely and unfortunate, there was a positive outcome: their deaths piqued my interest in science, specifically biology and genetics. It is because of my parents that I want to become a physician. I want to gain the satisfaction of helping other people that are affected by illnesses-I can empathize with them because of personal experience and prove to them that they are not alone in their distress. I want to be able to create a difference in people's lives by supporting them after they have been diagnosed or working as researcher so that one day, a cure for their illnesses can be found. Massachusetts College of Pharmacy and Health Sciences is the ideal place for my education not only because of its strong science background, but also because of its location. In my town in New Jersey, I am constantly surrounded by the usual people and typical activities to choose from. As a result, my town and experiences become very mundane. Boson, on the other hand, is an animated and bustling city; thus, I know that at MCPHS, I would always be surrounded by many intriguing and diverse people. This exposure can provide me with a broader perspective of people and the world, which I can apply in the future as a physician when trying to connect with my patients and their families.