CDDSR
Oct 31, 2010
Undergraduate / College essay about gay rights (issue of importance) [2]
The sermon began when a plump middle-aged man waddled onto the stage and
I allowed the lies and the ignorance to seep over me and my companions.--> this is a pretty bold statement and while some may agree with you, others will not. so, it is better to leave anything that could be considered argumentative or debateable out of the essay because you cannot know the opinions of the AO and how it may affect their decision. (It is good though that you have an opinion you stand up for but i would stick with calling it "intolerance")
A short
description is scrawled above the membranous entrance to my memory.
John, the man conducting this lesson, (or something to that affect) ascends to the stage and grips the microphone.That is his name, like
the prophet who was born to sterile parents
You make several mentions of membranes and one of cytoplasm...is there a goal in this? i would consider using different metaphors.
In general, you essay is very interesting and makes a good argument, but keep in mind it is a topic that some have a fiery passion for.
The sermon began when a plump middle-aged man waddled onto the stage and
I allowed the lies and the ignorance to seep over me and my companions.--> this is a pretty bold statement and while some may agree with you, others will not. so, it is better to leave anything that could be considered argumentative or debateable out of the essay because you cannot know the opinions of the AO and how it may affect their decision. (It is good though that you have an opinion you stand up for but i would stick with calling it "intolerance")
A short
description is scrawled above the membranous entrance to my memory.
John, the man conducting this lesson, (or something to that affect) ascends to the stage and grips the microphone.
the prophet who was born to sterile parents
You make several mentions of membranes and one of cytoplasm...is there a goal in this? i would consider using different metaphors.
In general, you essay is very interesting and makes a good argument, but keep in mind it is a topic that some have a fiery passion for.