Clusterfunk
Jan 15, 2011
Undergraduate / "nothing more than to be a Reedie" - Why Reed College supplemental [3]
As someone who recently got accepted to Reed under ED I, I hope I can lend some expertise.
First of all, I think you're trying to hard to use big words that sound a little awkward in some cases. It sounds like you looked at a thesaurus for almost every word choice. Although it is okay to use words like "intrinsic", the way you used "innocuous" looks like you're showing off (and doesn't make a lot of sense).
I feel like the sentence "As our good-natured tour leader pointed out... I was, to say the least, intrigued," is a tad clumsy. The way you listed things using "to the..." sounds a little strange. It's also kind of anticlimactic that you say "intrigued", which to me sounds like "slightly amused". Also take out the "that was it:" before "I was captivated."
Don't use "firstly" (I would use "first") if you're not going to list anything else. You never say "secondly" or "second", so the "firstly" really stands out and sounds bizarre. I also wouldn't say "all but suppressed." Use a positive term instead of a negative one.
I'm going to rewrite this sentence and put it in my terms:
"It was a spirit that sought knowledge, but also looked to find fun in the search. Enthusiastically academic, but never pedantic: this is how I see Reed, and what I love about Reed."
Change "There is nothing I love as much as such diversity." to "There is nothing I love so much as diversity."
The whole "I love a challenge" paragraph comes off a little cheesy and tacked-on to me. It would be more apt to go in the paragraph before, but just mention how you like a challenge or challenging academics amongst the other things you list. Maybe share an experience that you had where you were academically challenged and how it was important.
Take out "is one" in the sentence about Reed vibes.
The ending, in general, is a little weak, and sudden. I can't say as to how I would improve it, but I would definitely do something about it (as you seem unsatisfied as well).
Something to remember is that Reed really likes quirky (I hate that word), unique people who don't take themselves too seriously. If you feel like you have a unique personality, show it in the essay; it will be well received. If you're funny, be funny, you know? In my essay, I made a lot of jokes at my expense: about how I never get invited to parties, how I'm sexually perverse etc. These sound weird when written like that, but they were successful in the essay.
Another thing I would mention is that Reed has a lot more to offer than academics. You hit on it a little bit, but Reed has a very well culminated community. Maybe research that and write what you like about it.
I hope you don't see me as being too harsh or something, I'm only trying to help out a fellow prospie. Good luck! <---(avoid exclamation points in your essay)
As someone who recently got accepted to Reed under ED I, I hope I can lend some expertise.
First of all, I think you're trying to hard to use big words that sound a little awkward in some cases. It sounds like you looked at a thesaurus for almost every word choice. Although it is okay to use words like "intrinsic", the way you used "innocuous" looks like you're showing off (and doesn't make a lot of sense).
I feel like the sentence "As our good-natured tour leader pointed out... I was, to say the least, intrigued," is a tad clumsy. The way you listed things using "to the..." sounds a little strange. It's also kind of anticlimactic that you say "intrigued", which to me sounds like "slightly amused". Also take out the "that was it:" before "I was captivated."
Don't use "firstly" (I would use "first") if you're not going to list anything else. You never say "secondly" or "second", so the "firstly" really stands out and sounds bizarre. I also wouldn't say "all but suppressed." Use a positive term instead of a negative one.
I'm going to rewrite this sentence and put it in my terms:
"It was a spirit that sought knowledge, but also looked to find fun in the search. Enthusiastically academic, but never pedantic: this is how I see Reed, and what I love about Reed."
Change "There is nothing I love as much as such diversity." to "There is nothing I love so much as diversity."
The whole "I love a challenge" paragraph comes off a little cheesy and tacked-on to me. It would be more apt to go in the paragraph before, but just mention how you like a challenge or challenging academics amongst the other things you list. Maybe share an experience that you had where you were academically challenged and how it was important.
Take out "is one" in the sentence about Reed vibes.
The ending, in general, is a little weak, and sudden. I can't say as to how I would improve it, but I would definitely do something about it (as you seem unsatisfied as well).
Something to remember is that Reed really likes quirky (I hate that word), unique people who don't take themselves too seriously. If you feel like you have a unique personality, show it in the essay; it will be well received. If you're funny, be funny, you know? In my essay, I made a lot of jokes at my expense: about how I never get invited to parties, how I'm sexually perverse etc. These sound weird when written like that, but they were successful in the essay.
Another thing I would mention is that Reed has a lot more to offer than academics. You hit on it a little bit, but Reed has a very well culminated community. Maybe research that and write what you like about it.
I hope you don't see me as being too harsh or something, I'm only trying to help out a fellow prospie. Good luck! <---(avoid exclamation points in your essay)