Unanswered [2]
  

Posts by sarahbee
Joined: Dec 28, 2011
Last Post: Dec 30, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 49  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 50 / page 1 of 2
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sarahbee   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'curious as to why people do certain things and act certain ways' - NYU [9]

hey,

i think that overall the content of your essay is pretty good, but i feel like you should try and transition from why you want to major in psych and the activity that "cultivated your intellectual interests" a bit better. It seems kind of choppy. Also, elaborate a little more on just how great NYU's psych program is. You skim the surface, so if you go a little deeper then your response should be great!

hope i helped!!

please check my short answers out! i really need help and ASAP please!
sarahbee   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Common APP Essay: Luxury VS. Struggle [20]

I really enjoyed your essay. I only have one suggestion, and that is to break up the sentence below. Its a little hard to follow, especially if you are reading it quickly (like most admissions counselors are). Other than that I thought your essay was great.

There were a lot of stigmas attached to my high school; and if one believed them, we were all rich, athletically disinclined nerds -which as goalkeeper of the Water Polo team and someone who worked hard to get good grades, I felt terribly insulted by.

please return the favor!
sarahbee   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / My name is Jason - Common App Essay [9]

This is a really strong essay! It really takes the reader through your conflict and your emotion really showed through. I really don't see anything wrong with it. GREAT JOB!!!!

please return the favor and read mine! i really need some feedback!!!
sarahbee   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "The Captain" - Harvard Supplement- The prompt is write about anything [32]

The story is great. I have a few suggestions.

- Maybe you should elaborate more on your connection between your soccer experience and the internship
- also you should elaborate more the "one plus one" metaphor or bring it up earlier in your essay so it doesn't seem so random

you've got the raw material for an amazing essay!

please return the favor :D
sarahbee   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'being a American' - Common APP Achievement Essay [8]

i agree with the statements above. try not to stress that you wanted to conform. maybe you can bring how you have become american, but still how you kept some of your culture with you. like everyone said before, colleges like to see uniqueness not conformity. good luck!

please return the favor!
sarahbee   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Movies- "Tell us something you do for pleasure" MIT [19]

i like your revised version. i think it conveys how much you enjoy your movie time and how it takes you to another world. i like it.

if you have time, can you check out my essays again? i revised them!

thanks,
Sarah
sarahbee   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Split South Africa' - CommonApp (Diversity Encounter/Experience) [3]

Hey Xander,

Here's a few suggestions:

- My first day at thereWheeler(if you don't want to say wheeler then say "my first day at my new school..." because my first day at there doesn't seem dramatically correct was something I'll never forget.

- I like that you talk about your time with your mother's family but it seems a bit random, so maybe bring it up earlier or something?

Overall, I really like your essay. It shows a clear transformation which I think college admissions boards really like.

-Sarah
sarahbee   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'small seminar classes' - What influenced me to apply to Barnard [3]

Hey,

Suggestion:

I automaticallyimmediately or instantly(seems like a better fit) fell in love with Barnard

other than that I think it's a pretty solid essay. if you have time could you take a look at my Rice Essay !
sarahbee   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Stanford Undergrad Admissions - What matters to you and why? -- Trusting myself [8]

i agree with the above poster. the technicalities should not be focused on as much. your conclusion has the makings to be very powerful so if you elaborate on that a little more then your essay should be great. hope i helped!

if you have a chance, could you please look at my Rice Essay please?
sarahbee   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Common Application Short Answer: Basketball [7]

I think it's a great essay. The only thing is the, "ALL NET, portraying the most sophisticated example of ghetto ballet." line. i think you might want to choose another euphemism for basketball. ghetto ballet is a little off- putting. But hey, thats just my opinion.

hope i helped. please check out my rice supplement if you have time. thanks
sarahbee   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Evaluate a signific. experience and it's affect on you - Bullies to Best Friends [10]

She was given therapy sessions for her bullying, as well as for family issues.

SurelyI'm not sure what word to put there, but surely does not seem to make sense she forgave me, as I was the only bully that had apologized, but she did say that we could never be best friends again (since I was still friends with P).

Since we were oureach others only friend, it was difficult to branch out as we had no classes together<--huh?? that doesn't make sense.

We actually were able to spend mucha lot of time together and eventually did become best friends again.

You should try and bring in how you changed from it. You talk about how P changed to much. This essay is about you! It has the raw material to be great! just re work it a little and you should be great. hope i helped.

p.s. i might repost a revised version of my rice essay, could you check it out when i put it up?
sarahbee   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "Shadows"- work experience, will review your essays [11]

i agree with the above posters. just try and reword the beginning. it's a little awkward and it seems weird. just ease into it a little. other than that it is awesome!

could you check out my revised rice supplement if you have a chance?
sarahbee   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Preparation for diploma and the real world' - UVA personal essay [14]

you can keep what you have, but i agree. you need to talk about yourself more. i now that for the common app you can definitely have way more words than what you have now, so try to go into depth more. really elaborate! it should make it better.

PLEASE check out my REVISED rice supplement.!
sarahbee   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Columbia Meaningful Activity - Environment. Need to turn in TONIGHT! [7]

I think you should cut that out. Although it is nice, the colleges know that you have a word limit, so the fluff is not really necessary. The rest of the essay is essential to getting your point across so you should just cut the beginning out. It is a week before the county competition - crunch time for South River's Envirothon team. <-- I think that is a pretty good opening statement. It's kind of susupenseful

Being a part of Envirothon has not only increased my knowledge about soils, wildlife, aquatics, and forestry, it has helped to guide me as I take my first steps towards becoming an adult. Fighting the urge to bestow an eye-roll or a snarky remark upon a confused sophomore asking for the tenth time what a lateral line is has made me well-versed in patience. Forgoing sleepovers to make food-coloring coded cakes that illustrate the five ocean layers has given me a hands-on lesson in dedication. Attempting to take meeting notes and lecture about watersheds while running on three hours of sleep has hit home the importance of time management.

Envirothon has proved to me that the cliché "you get what you put in" is a cliché for a reason: because it is true. For all I put into Envirothon, I received my nerdy South River family in return.
sarahbee   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Enrichment program and 'unique' solution' - BU Supplement - Diversity [13]

Although this program was developed to increase the critical thinking of raisingrising seniors and teach them leader shipleadership roles, I learned the importance of diversity.

The problem regarded a fictional town on the gulf coast of Mississippi economically hurt by the recent BP oil spill because this affected the tourism to the city's beaches. <-- break that sentence up somehow

One thing was every evident to me. The program was not diverse at all, not only pertaining to diverse races, but also to personalities. Most of the individuals all thought alike, and therefore presented a similar solution.

i like how you bring up how you haven't experienced diversity and how BU will allow you to experience it.
sarahbee   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'middle-class household, suburban Pennsylvania' Rice cultural tradition/contribution [3]

I love your theme about traveling! It really fits nicely with what your are trying to convey about what you contribute to the RCS. I just think you should still mention most of your trips, but try and focus on one (or two if you must). You do that kind of with your bahamas trip. Also, you might want to take out the part with the marijuana -- it's a little inappropriate even though you declined.

i get what you are trying to get across, and it makes sense once you've read the whole thing, but i kind of got lost in the middle. Just do some fine-tuning and you'll be golden!!
sarahbee   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Preparation for diploma and the real world' - UVA personal essay [14]

WOW! what a little personal connection can do! this is way better than the original.

just curious, have you checked out the UVa supplement? because I feel like this might be suited for the supplement since it is so specific. But if UVa doesn't require an essay for the supplement then this is fine. but double check to be sure.
sarahbee   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / You Are My Sunshine - Common App Essay [6]

i like it. i think that you answer the prompt pretty well. although you only really mention the prompt towards the end, you are answering it throughout your essay. I think it accomplishes what you want.

if you have time, please check out my rice essay!
sarahbee   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / William Sherwood Fox quote; which Penn Essay?--Wharton [5]

i like your second one better, but they are both really good. they both covey a great story and emotion. i think the AOs will be able to see that you would be invested (no pun intended, haha) in an education at Wharton
sarahbee   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Logical person' - Letter to roommate - stanford supplement [4]

this is nice, but maybe you could try to put a little more about some quirks of yours. it will make the essay a little more personal. right now it seems a bit detached. you have the basic information you need, just add something to make it a little more personal. hope i helped.

please check out my Rice essay if you have time.
sarahbee   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / "Tasting the Detested". Common App Essay [4]

I like the way your story develops through the essay.

suggestion:
I no longer put chicken on my plate from that day forward. <-- Something about that sentence just doesn't seem right...
sarahbee   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'No life discrimination' - princeton supplement [21]

Hey guys, this is a REALLY, REALLY ROUGH draft. I kind of wrote this really quickly so please be harsh!

Prompt: Talk about someone who has influenced you.

I am not a person that is easily influenced, however I am easily inspired, and I believe that those two words go hand in hand. So when I was asked to talk about a person who influenced me, or rather inspired me, two words came to mind. D***s H**k. Better known as Mr. ****, the principal of my high school.

This year, there was a change in administration throughout the school district, and we at the high school were fortunate enough to acquire as Mr. **** as our new principal. I never knew what we were missing until he took office. He brought a whole new spirit to the school. It is obvious that he enjoys his job very much, and although I do not plan on entering the education field, I want to have the passion he has for his job, no matter where I end up. That is what I admire the most - his passion and commitment.

Every morning, the first thing every student is greeted with Mr. ****'s smiling face, while they walk up the main steps. It could be raining, hailing, sleeting, snowing, or all of those combined, and you would still find him standing out there with his signature smile. Before every break, he walks to every classroom and wishes everybody a safe and happy break, and he makes an effort to show up at the majority of school affairs. The reason why I bring up these occurrences is because many people say that, "the love is in the little things" , which I strongly agree with. By him taking time out of his demanding schedule to show his face and be an active member of the school's community shows how dedicated he is to his. and more importantly, the school. He gives his full effort to whatever task he undertakes, whether it is greeting the students or organizing an emergency meeting.

The love he has for his job shines through every day, and because of his commitment to his job, the school has benefited tremendously. His attitude has inspired me to give all that I have to whatever I do. He has taught me how to be passionate towards all tasks I am given. Mr. **** has showed me that everything deserves a person's full attention and dedication, no hatter how mundane or spectacular the task may be. There should be no discrimination towards anything you do in life. When I catch myself doing something haphazardly, I think about Mr.**** and his attitude toward whatever he does. His way of living has influenced me to be someone who cherishes all the opportunities I am given, and never do something without giving it all of my effort.

p.s. will return the favor
sarahbee   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / "Homeless guy " Common app essay [7]

the people above me touched on the grammatical errors. i like your conclusion a lot. just make sure to reread it and catch any grammar issues. besides that its WONDERFUL!

if you have a chance please check out my princeton essay. thanks :D
sarahbee   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Get over it, Jump, and Hurry Up!' - W&M essay- advice? [6]

i agree with the above posters' critiques!

your essay is great, and it certainly answers the question very well. GREAT JOB!

if you have a chance, please check out my princeton essay.
sarahbee   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The waves of the Pacific Ocean' - Williams window supplement [5]

this is a really great essay. i think it works with the prompt really well, and its original (your use of the airplane window and car window)

i think you could leave the "homeless people in SF" thing because it adds some airiness to the essay.

hope i helped!

could you please check out my princeton essay please?
sarahbee   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'No life discrimination' - princeton supplement [21]

thanks guys.

and lacey, his name will be included when I submit. i just don't think he would want his name on the internet like this. and thanks for the help.
sarahbee   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Notre-Dame: "What would you do with a $5000 Grant?" (I'll Edit Back!) [5]

Well first things first, you taught me something new :D

Alright, down to business:

Maybe start with something more eye- catching. Maybe like a statistic. Or the fact that only 2 people graduated from that HS in 10 years. Thats certainly eye catching.

Really interesting topic.

Maybe try some new transition words instead of , "In fact," and "Furthermore". They just stick out and break up the flow of your essay in my opinion.

I think thats about it. PLEASE CHECK OUT MY REVISED PRINCETON ESSAY!

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