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Posts by christiek
Joined: Aug 29, 2009
Last Post: Feb 18, 2010
Threads: 6
Posts: 65  

From: United States of America

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christiek   
Sep 5, 2009
Undergraduate / "Chinese boy raised in Malaysia" University of Wisconsin Essay [22]

As I grew up, the situation seemed to become worsen.

^ the situation seemed to steadily worsen? not to become worsen.

earth is rested in our hand.

^ hands*

I have a dream to be great and responsible civil engineer.

^ i have a dream to be a great and ....

...live without making our earth become sicker.

^ more sick.

I can have adequate resource

^ adequate resources*

I am a Chinese boy who was raised in a small village from Malaysia,

^one full sentence. The next sentence should start with " it is a place that is isolated from a bustling and flourishing city"

are still living under wooden hut

^ wooden huts**

The families, especially the elders and children are suffering and dread

^ It should be, "The families, especially the elders and children, are..."

It is my responsibility as a civil engineering

^ civil engineer*

-the next sentence states talks about what you need to possess TO BE a successful civil engineer.
but this sentence right here implies you already are a civil engineer...
get it?

When I was in my high school

^ when i was in high school... dont need "my."

Besides that, I was also the organizing chairperson to organize various

^ an organizing chairperson means that you organize, so you dont need to say that you organize various activities...
just say various activities.

help to maintain and improve the high standard of the university.

^ maintain and improve? which one is it? you cant do both can you?

i feel like from one paragraph to the next there really isn't much of a connection.
it seems like they are all different topics - in a way.
1) you talk a lot about the negative things that happen to our earth.
and somehow building houses for people to live in will solve for that problem...doesn't it contribute more to pollution and global warming in the long run...

2) the second paragraph is about your home village and all the natural disasters that occur. How does that relate to the first paragraph? I mean you talk about being a civil engineer, but it doesn't connect in and of itself.

3) Then you go on talking about leadership. Which basically is the part that answers the most important part of the prompt.

well, i actually may be wrong. haha so lets see what others say ;)))

good luck!
christiek   
Sep 4, 2009
Undergraduate / "America's Best Colleges" guide - UCF Admissions Essay Help? [16]

-

I posted it on here and I get pretty much the complete opposite. I hope you can understand my confusion and frustration.

hmmm, i can understand that.
well only three people responded to this so far, so you can wait an see :))

what part about this essay did your english teacher like exactly? i dont know if that makes a difference but still...haha

and whats the prompt!!??
christiek   
Sep 4, 2009
Undergraduate / "America's Best Colleges" guide - UCF Admissions Essay Help? [16]

hmmm, whats the prompt?

Criticism is encouraged!!

all llamapoop123 was doing was critiquing your essay.

-there really is nothing rude about what he said in my opinion.
you want other people's opinions for your essay.
Its your choice to carry it out or not.

There is quite possibly no place better to hone my hospitality knowledge than a city that is the home of huge attractions such as Disney World and Universal Studios.

i think this should be taken out.

well, good luck!!
christiek   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / "my own personal definition of success for the future" - UC ESSAY #1 [7]

thank you llamapoop123! :))

oh and i read your creative writing essay "she"
it was really good. i enjoyed it.
i didnt want to write this there because its not helpful advice or whatever...
hahah

It is unclear how your father learned this lesson.

mmkay, i will work on that part
:)
christiek   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Model United Nations' - MIT application essay.. Short response [17]

- hmmm, the hook is not hookin' me

-this clearly answers the prompt :)

-

It was an addictive drug; I couldn't miss a conference whenever I had the chance after I joined.

i feel like making this two sentences would have a better effect, because it would emphasize the first part. BUT the addictive drug part doesn't really fit with this to me. i think you should describe the "addictiveness" in other words. see what others say :)

-

I valued that experience and this opportunity to

im not too sure, but it seems like "that experience" is referring to the conference and "this opportunity" is something else. maybe it should be "the opportunity" ??

hope this made sense. haha

good luck :))
christiek   
Sep 2, 2009
Undergraduate / University of Illinois Essays (academic interest, work experience, service) [4]

ESSAY NUMBER 1

- i think there should be a better hook :)

-

I realized that I really enjoyed solving math problems,

i think omitting "really" sounds better

-

I attended the State Competition at your school every year.

wait you're referring to the college as "your" right? maybe you should put the school name instead...

-

Another interesting subject was introduced to me during my first year of high school, omit "when i took" when I took Computer Science I

-

without really knowing what it really encompassed

omit the 2 "really"

-

I became so good

you could use better adjective/descriptions :)

-hmm, overall you definitely persuaded me that you excel in science/math = strong academically.
i have a feeling you should focus on one subject, but not to sure. you should see what others say :)
-and the prompt asks for academic interests, i feel like you focus a little too much on how much you achieved/excelled. and not to much on how it exactly interests you.

but seriously though, great job on all your math/science achievements. i mean i have always been one year ahead in math but like still impressive!

ESSAY NUMBER TWO

-again better hook

-

Eventually our interest grew, and we started an organization, in which kids in our age group could play cricket.

run on sentence...

-

why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

i feel like this part of the prompt wasn't carried out well enough or expanded upon enough...

hope this helped :)
good luck!!!
christiek   
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / And the boy loved the tree?/ Character in a fiction [13]

thank you notoman. it was really fun/interesting reading your comment. i am convinced i cant work with the essay and be the tree. still one of my favorite books haha

You've got the beginnings of an essay here Noto...

haha true that :)

hmm, how about mersault? eek
christiek   
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / And the boy loved the tree?/ Character in a fiction [13]

haha yeah im not writing about the little prince.

It should effect you in a postive way...you don't want the tone to be entirely negative.

it's not that the essay would be negative as a whole..i dont know, hard to explain..

this is what i wrote a few days ago, and its not done. still working on it.
but i guess this is what i mean about negative-ish..

Life is not the period of existence a living individual organism has to succeed. Life is a terminal illness that has a 99.9% mortality rate. The protagonist, Mersault, of the fictional novel titled The Stranger by Albert Camus, thoroughly believes that there is no purpose to life. The mundane aspects of the world are of course very appealing, but there is nothing else that is of importance to him. I am steadfast in disagreeing with the existential beliefs that Mersault portrays. He has triggered something in my mind to speculate about the burden of responsibility in life; and the fate that people make for themselves.

There are situations where it would be considered "normal" to act a certain way. In funerals, deep remorse should be felt and usually exerted. But, not for Mersault. The emotional level he has compared to other people in society is almost nothing. He is an aloof individual who lives his life without the ups-and-downs. The part of the novel that envelops the entirety of Mersault's personality is before his execution. He realizes that the universe is indifferent to the fragile earth and its people. And because of this every human's end to their life is the same. No one is more significant than another. With that a question came into my mind, can an individual really not have a purpose in life? No. Because there is some burden of responsibility that comes hand in hand with life. It was Mersault's very indifferent nature that there was no purpose to his. And then I asked myself what is my burden of responsibility?

I am the oldest sibling in my family. There comes a lot of responsibility to setting sturdy stepping-stones for my younger siblings.

its not the conclusion though, i promise!
christiek   
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / And the boy loved the tree?/ Character in a fiction [13]

okay, well i did have a brainstorm about the little prince. haha
i love that book too. it's not considered a child's book right?

orrr,
i thought a brainstorm about mersault from the stranger.
i mean i can write about a negative-ish influence and disagree with mersault right? the influence doesnt need to be positive

for some reason i feel so confused..

><
-
christiek   
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / And the boy loved the tree?/ Character in a fiction [13]

Is there a way to work with what I've got, or make a completely new one?

-thank you for all this, i seriously was blind to all of the possible ways people will perceive the essay. it was really interesting reading all your comments :)
christiek   
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / 'I went up on the stage and bowed' - Common App - Random Topic [13]

epkrnftblluva

because how hard you pressed your fingers, in what shape your fingers were in, and how much the force your fingers exerted on the piano all mattered.

there is a grammatical error here.

epkrnftblluva

I had to give an inhuman effort to give great music to the audience.

A little too dramatic. Inhuman effort??

epkrnftblluva

finished the piece, trying to keep my countenance, just like I did in the beginning of the piece.

run-on sentence.

-what's the prompt?
-hmmm, epkrnftblluva

I was wondering if it was too vague on my qualities

what qualities are you trying to portray really?

hopefully that helped a bit :)

good luck!!
christiek   
Sep 1, 2009
Undergraduate / And the boy loved the tree?/ Character in a fiction [13]

4) And the tree was happy. How sad, I used to think. I flipped back through the worn out pages, and noticed the faded black ink and the cranberry juice stain on page fifteen where there was a big white space next to the illustration of the tree. The Giving Tree, by Shel Silverstein has been a short story I have been reading since I was in the third grade. I have grown up with this book, and every time I read it, as I grew older, there were things I didn't understand. I felt ambivalent towards the boy and the tree each time I opened the lime colored book. Sympathizing for the tree, but admiring it. And disappointment towards the boy, but understanding him. It just seemed natural for a while. However, I gained a new perspective of each character at the end that felt right. Moreover, the tree influenced me.

The little boy in the story starts as an innocent character. His desires are simple, but he had many. My innocence and child-likeness was paralleled with the little boy as a child. There are always many requests little kids can have. The first thought I had about the book was, "I wish I had a tree like that." If I had a giving tree, it would have given me everything it had: apples, shade, branches, leaves and even its stump to sit on.

But as time went on and I turned to the book again, a new thought came about the boy. A basic outline of his whole life was organized in one place, and it was easy for me to analyze aspects of his life. The second perspective came into my head, "the boy is selfish." It seemed like the boy only turned to the tree when he needed something and not just because he loves the tree for being the tree. I was annoyed with the little boy. It was interesting because throughout the book, even as the little boy grew older he was still referred to as the boy. He was not the teenager, young adult, grown-up or old man. The tree lived in its own timeless world while the boy grew older and older. There is a danger of narrow-mindedness the boy had. He remained needy as the years passed and there seemed to never be enough of something. But I concluded that I didn't like him.

More time passed, where I was in high school and probably to the time the boy had a girlfriend. And when I read it, a third perspective came in mind, "I want to grow up to be like the giving tree." The tree is a self-less character that is exceptionally patient and gives unconditional love. Unable to move from its lonesome spot, the tree succumbs to people who come to it. It is unable to move. I felt bad for the tree, but I was still attracted to it. I was influenced to become a more compassionate person. While listening to Barack Obama speak while he was still a candidate, he stated, "... we should talk more about our empathy deficit... when you choose to broaden your ambit of concern and empathize with the plight of others...it becomes harder not to act; harder not to help." His statement about the country's empathy deficit, made me think about The Giving Tree. The quote opened my mind; I realized the dangers of being narrow-minded like the boy. The tree became my model.
christiek   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Response (flute teacher) [16]

amy87014

I fell in love with it right away; it soothes me when I am sad and calms me down when I am mad. right here-better transition Shortly afterwards i think the shortly afterwards part should be changed. it doesnt flow from your previous sentence... , the teacher invited me to join his orchestra.

.
i know we only have 150 words, im having issues too
haha
christiek   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "demolishing the kitchen" - Common Application short response [10]

Common application short answer Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below or on an attached sheet (150 words or fewer).

"Hey, check if the cheesecake is ready!"
"Yes! It's perfect."
The kitchen was a mess. But today was a big day, and we were on the verge of demolishing the kitchen from our frantic behavior. Nonetheless, My friend Zara and I were about ready for our bake sale in front of the local grocery market. While we were setting up, I felt the curious eyes of early morning shoppers. And deep inside I was laughing because I knew that the aroma of freshly baked cheesecake bits and peppermint hot chocolate filling the crispy winter air would be tempting. It was a success. Our mission was to send socks to American soldiers stationed in Iraq. I purchased the 150 pairs of socks. We are epicures united for countries. We felt proud of our work, especially through a passion we have for cooking. The next challenge was purchasing mosquito nets for Africa.

SUGGESTIONS/CRITIQUES?
christiek   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Response (flute teacher) [16]

Llamapoop123

The common app short responce prompt is pretty...common. It requires you to describe an extracurricular activity that you participate in. It is 150 words or less.

oh wow. i actually never heard of it until now..
So i can do the short response instead of one of the other 5 prompts given?

i will look it up right now.
christiek   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]

wow sounds like a very intense situation you had.. haha

im not really completely sure, but politics seems like a topic that is a little sensitive.
people who read your essay might end up having a biased against you or something.
but your essay was pretty good.

well you should wait and see what other people say...

good luck :))
christiek   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Response (flute teacher) [16]

amy87014

t soothes me when I am sad and calms me down when I am mad

maybe you can use different adjectives replacing sad and mad. its something little but it can make a difference :)

the minimum length for common app is 250 words. just in case.

and whats the prompt for this essay your writing?
more people could help you if they know the prompt..

good luck :))
christiek   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "giving social services to people" - Common Application Essay [7]

thanks for the ideas. i wont be discouraged from the start :)

well i live in long beach and poverty is pretty woven into the some parts of the city.
i guess i can write about it.

i'm still getting second thoughts about writing this essay. hahah.
i mean its too boring/sad..
im not a good writer either haha. oh geez.
christiek   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "giving social services to people" - Common Application Essay [7]

i said that i didnt want to write about something i dont care about. and that i didnt want to research a local issue just o write about it and not feel anything about it....

and i care about health care reform. i wrote that i was working on the part on how it influences me.
but anyway this is a very boring topic for someone who reads thousands of essays

So, im going to scratch this and come up with something else.
thanks though :]
christiek   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "giving social services to people" - Common Application Essay [7]

- Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

I'M WORKING ON THE LAST FEW PARAGRAPHS RIGHT NOW.
BUT JUST A PREVIEW, I WILL PROBABLY WRITE ABOUT HOW IT INFLUENCES ME BECAUSE I WANT TO PURSUE A HEALTH CARE/MEDICAL PROFESSION AND BLAH BLAH BLAH...

DEFINITELY NEED TO FIX THE INTRO. NOT TO HOOKY ;/

SORRY ONE LAST THING, I WANT TO CHOOSE A LOCAL ISSUE, BUT I CANT THINK OF ONE REALLY. AND I DIDNT WANT TO JUST RESEARCH ONE AND WRITE ABOUT IT IF I DONT REALLY KNOW ABOUT IT AND DONT CARE KIND OF THING...I WISH I CAN WRITE ABOUT SOMETHING HAPPIER

This year the national debate topic is about giving social services to people living in poverty. As I learned about the topic and the different people who are considered "living in poverty," I only thought about those individuals who earn an income at or below the poverty threshold. It didn't occur to me that such people like prisoners or sex trafficked victims are considered "impoverished." However, learning about the situations prisoners live under has convinced me that this specific group of people is destitute.

More than 100,00 prisoners infected with diseases are released in the United States every year. There is a major threat involved with this situation to hundreds of communities in the nation. For the past few years state prisons have been impermeable to renovation because of politics and fear. But there are so many unfortunate circumstances these people are going through that basic human rights are being violated. I believe that the federal government has a moral obligation to help them.

The situation in state prisons caught my attention because of the lack of health care prisoners receive. Many prisoners are untreated and some are even unaware of diseases they may have. Effectually, many citizens outside of prisons could be affected for that reason. Also, these diseases can potentially spread across U.S. borders. Containing diseases has its limits. The swine flu for example has spread over the nation. This flu has posed a threat in my household. And my mother even suggested wearing a mask to school; but it didn't happen.

In addition, there are underreported events of rape that occur within the prisons. Another issue that ultimately concerns morality. The psychological and physical effects of rape are dehumanizing. There is a gap trying to integrate back into society. The social withdrawal due to traumas, self blame and feelings of hopelessness are unfortunate circumstances. The imprisoned victims of rape have to rehabilitate themselves. But it is hard for me to imagine that. The resources and funding being enforced in prisons is blatantly inefficient.
christiek   
Aug 29, 2009
Undergraduate / NO SUPPORT. NO RESPECT. NO HOMEFIELD. [14]

the first essay is written pretty well, but i dont think it really answers the prompt either.
i dont see the risk involved by standing up for the team...
christiek   
Aug 29, 2009
Writing Feedback / "We found no sign of my mother" - I thought what happened at the night was my allusion [10]

I think that the story you are using to write about is really deep, and gets down to a personal level - good choice :)

the details are pretty good too.

i think there needs to be more development with the overall message of the essay. you should try to clear up how this event made you the person you are today, as the prompt asks. you write about being an accountable adult at an early age, but maybe you can explain how/why thats important for success or something (probably in the last paragraph)

im really not sure if this helped...

GOOD LUCK!!!! :))

p.s. you can critique mine haha
christiek   
Aug 29, 2009
Undergraduate / "my own personal definition of success for the future" - UC ESSAY #1 [7]

Describe the world you come from-for example, your family, community or school -- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations

My mother received the letter from the college she applied to, and she hid it from her parents. She didn't want to burden them because they had no money to send her to college. She was accepted to the school, but her dream wasn't in reach because of her parent's financial problems. Both of my parents came from different situations. They learned as time passed how important education really is. Their struggles and sacrifices have been etched into my heart as a reminder to achieve the best of my ability.

There were struggles involved living on a farm in rural Korea during the 1960's. Even though my father and his siblings spent a lot of their time on the farm than in school, an important lesson they learned is to not take things for granted. Consequently, plants are precious in my family- especially gardening plants, water is not wasted and all the food on my plate is consumed. My grandparents have an abundant garden in their backyard, and I believed that there is no other garden as vigorous as theirs. There has always been an appreciation of not taking things for granted. The end result of all the effort I put into something is always subjected to adjust, because dreams aren't granted, only wishes are.

Society demonstrates that success can only be a result of being educated. Though my aspirations and dreams have been strengthened as an active member of society, I am also molded by the routine of my father's past. There is only one adult in my family who has graduated from a college. That fact affects me in many different ways. Whether by receiving pressure from my parents, being the oldest sibling or demonstrating a good path for them or even the excitement of having my success at my fingertips, I could be the one to graduate. My father has taught me, "Success is what you do and being happy."

Throughout the years I learned that education is not just for more opportunities. Education is important to my family and me because it helps you reach your maximum potential.

That is when I aspired to achieve my own personal definition of success for the future. To be happy with what I am doing and looking forward to it every morning. The image of success in my mind is so clear. However, making those goals come true is a long journey ahead. Thinking about the difficult situation my father and mother went through encourages me to have dreams and be ambitious in achieving them. I want to give back to people less fortunate than I; and appreciate their ability to cherish the tiniest things. For those children living in third world countries or other poverty-stricken places, I hope to give them strength. From the world I come from, my aspiration to take part in the medical field has grown stronger.

PLEASE LEAVE ANY COMMENTS/SUGGESTIONS.
its my first draft, so there needs to be more editing
i think it needs to be more clear??

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