Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by LadyOfClockwork [Suspended]
Name: wang gang
Joined: Jun 26, 2017
Last Post: Apr 10, 2021
Threads: 30
Posts: 102  
Likes:
From: China

Displayed posts: 132 / page 3 of 4
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
LadyOfClockwork   
Oct 9, 2017
Writing Feedback / Contrast high schools and universities - Contrast Essay [6]

There are spelling and grammatical mistakes that should have been avoided.

... decide to continue futher further study or start working.

... technique is the most easy easiest point to distinguish high shools schools and colleges.

... follow the offical official schedules and textbooks.

... feedback for the anwers answers students aks asks them.

For instance, a girl who has just (...) on high school and properly makes ...

Manybe Maybe it would ...

... when they do those that work is an obligation.

... and learning mothod method, connection, and awareness are three proninent prominent features that ...
LadyOfClockwork   
Oct 9, 2017
Writing Feedback / Parent should not pressure their children to choose particular profession. [7]

Hi, I'd like to make some corrections for you.

Children must not be forced by ...
--to use passive voice, you should have used "forced".

They should be free to decide on the profession they want.
--to mean "choose", you should have used "decided on".

children should not be pressured and free ...
--to use passive voice, you should have used "pressured".

These kind of attitude put a lot ...
-- you should have used"these kinds" or "the kind"

For instance, when a parents are both ...
LadyOfClockwork   
Oct 8, 2017
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: invest in infrastructure and physical plant V.S. invest in keeping the faculty satisfied [3]

Hi, I try to make some corrections for you.

... the latest computers and it is just a waste of ...

--- you need a conjunction to correct the run-on sentence.

It There is no doubt ...

... how to make to the best use ...

... focus on physical facilities because it allows ...
--- "facility" is a countable noun

... human capital plays a vital role ...

... students well without having the best facility.

... universities have been using used over ...
LadyOfClockwork   
Oct 8, 2017
Writing Feedback / [task 1] The bar chart shows different methods of waste disposal in four cities [3]

The bar chart shows different methods of waste disposal in four cities: Toronto, Madrid, Kuala Lumpur and Amman.
Summarize the information by describing the main features of the chart and making comparisons where appropriate.


waste management in the world



The bar chart illustrates the differences in waste management between four cities - Toronto, Madrid, Kuala Lumpur and Amman. The methods they use consist of landfill, incineration, recycling and composting. In this essay I will outline the destinations of waste in the cities listed and draw comparisons where appropriate.

Overall, composting is the least used disposal technique, with just a small fraction of waste converted to compost in each city. Recycling is carried out on a modest scale in Madrid and Kuala Lumpur, though it is less common in the other cities. The primary disposal processes are landfill and incineration, which cope with around 70% of waste combined in each city.

In Amman, approximately only three percent of waste ends up as compost. While the composting rate is slightly higher in anywhere else, it fluctuates within the bracket between five to ten percent. By way of comparison, Madrid recycles marginally above 20% of waste, roughly the same percentage as Kuala Lumpur but more than ten percent higher than Toronto or Amman does.

The use of landfill and incineration varies with the city. In Toronto and Amman each, landfills absorb up to around 75% and 50% of waste products, while about 10% and 40% of those are fed to incinerators. In Madrid and Kuala Lumpur, however, the situation is reversed. Respectively, 40% and around 55% of waste materials are reduced to ash, whereas approximately only 30% and 15% of those are buried on land.

I would more appreciate it if you score my essay.
I tried to develop my own writing style this time. Hope it works.





LadyOfClockwork   
Oct 6, 2017
Writing Feedback / The pie charts below show how dangerous waste products are dealt with in three countries [4]

@Holt
Thank you Marry for your clarification. In China mainland, tens of thousands of anxious IELTS applicants are baffled with conflicting recommendations by dubious gurus of the test. Without you, I would hardly make any improvement. Your authoritative and conscientious advice can rarely be heard otherwise. I will keep improving my skills accordingly.

Though I do desire an 8, I'd like to reassure you of my patience. This month I have much time to practice. Very looking forward to hearing your further advice. :)
LadyOfClockwork   
Oct 6, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 _Description of Graph - spending time on the phone calls [5]

@IELTSWARRIOR
Hi, I think you should not have addressed the details before properly paraphrasing the prompts.

Here is an example I offer for you:
The chart below shows the total number of minutes ...
=> The bar chart shows the total duration of telephone calls in billion minutes, in the UK from 1995 to 2002. They fall into three categories, namely: local fixed line calls; national and international fixed line calls; and all types of mobile calls.
LadyOfClockwork   
Oct 6, 2017
Writing Feedback / The pie charts below show how dangerous waste products are dealt with in three countries [4]

The pie charts below show how dangerous waste products are dealt with in three countries.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.


Toxic waste



The pie charts are presented for analysis of the disposal methods of hazardous waste materials employed in three countries - Korea, Sweden and the UK. Each figure represents a country in the list. In the essay, I will summarize the destinations of waste and make comparisons between the states wherever needed.

The bulk of dangerous waste is buried on land in the UK and Sweden, while waste recycling is strongly preferable in Korea. The technique is also employed on a modest scale in Sweden but does not come into use in the UK, the only country to dump waste materials at sea or treat them with chemical products. As to incineration, it is a fairly common treatment process in Sweden but rarely used in the others.

As an insight into the details, 82% of dangerous waste products end up in landfills in the UK, compared with 55% in Sweden and 22% in Korea. 69% of dangerous waste products are recycled in Korea, much higher than 25% in Sweden. The figure is even lower in the UK that does not recycle materials of this kind.

With regard to the treatments unique to the country, 8% of dangerous waste products are subject to chemical treatment and as many are dumped at sea. It burns roughly the same percentage of waste as Korea does, 2% versus 9%. In Sweden, however, as much as 20% of dangerous waste products are reduced to ash.

I would more appreciate it if you score my essay,

I have a question: in my third and fourth paragraphs, I uniformly used "dangerous waste products" to match "the percentage of"(82% of..., 69% of... etc.). Some textbooks recommend replacing "dangerous waste products" with similar expression including "hazardous waste products" and "waste materials" for language variety. Is the replacement necessary?

I sticked to "dangerous waste products", since I found a report from the U.S. Energy Information Administration (EIA), in which only "...% of U.S. electricity generation" is used.


eia.gov/energyexplained/index.cfm?page=electricity_in_the_united_states




LadyOfClockwork   
Oct 5, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1: Accommodations for holidaymakers [6]

@sarahna
Hi, I'd like to rewrite a sentence for you.

In 1965, staying with friends ... =>
While 55% of travelers stayed with friends or relatives in 1965, the figure fell to 35% in 1985 and ended up even lower, at 30% in 2005
LadyOfClockwork   
Oct 5, 2017
Writing Feedback / What is better for students, living in boarding school or in their parents? [4]

@ayibram
Hi, I'd like to make several corrections for you.

=> Those who supported the boarding (...) advantages thatcan be broughtto students.
=> ... away from their homes,
=> In addition, if children lived closely with their teachers, it would will form ...
=> Another argument (...) the term lead to several drawbacks. => ...staying in school is to students' disadvantage/students who stay in school are at disadvantage

=> For example, the parents are able to see ...
LadyOfClockwork   
Oct 3, 2017
Writing Feedback / All teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the local community [4]

@Ngatranhvt
Hi, I'd like to make several corrections for you. The essay contains lots of spelling errors, which will drag your scores down.

... in order to contribute to their local community.
compusory => compulsory
opputinities => opportunities
knowlegde => knowledge
broanden => broaden
experiances => experiences
buil => build
reponsibility => responsibility
LadyOfClockwork   
Oct 2, 2017
Writing Feedback / Some people embrace the concept that each type of crime should carry a fixed penalty [task2] [3]

Some people believe that there should be a fixed punishment for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.


factors for punishment severity



Some people embrace the concept that each type of crime should carry a fixed penalty, while others make a case that it should not be left out of the sentencing, the consideration of criminal circumstances and motivation. There is much debate about this matter. In this essay, I will discuss both points and then come up with my own insight on it.

The advocates of fixed penalty contend that it proclaims the rigidity of the law, thereby leaving no room for accommodation or leniency. One criminal offense, one punishment, none can make an exception. This sends an explicit message to people about the consequence of violating the law. Thus they will regulate their behavior accordingly. The logic behind the argument, though, prompts concerns.

Other people object that suspects tend to be penalized unfairly if the circumstances and motivation cannot gain the consideration they deserve. As an illustration, under the frame of fixed punishment, a hardened burglar stealing bread out of spite is treated in the same way as a first offender doing so to feed her hungry child. The result is that the former enjoys undue leniency or the latter suffers disproportionately. While there is admittedly a possibility of such a thorny problem, I personally join the rank of supporters for the frame.

I back fixed punishment. In my opinion, the flexibility has the loophole that is exploited to cunningly bend the law in favor of offenders, since slight circumstances or good motives can be invented out of nothing. This is exemplified by the rape lawsuit, where the defendant may purport to be an innocent man who is seduced by the scantily clad victim or aroused by her sex implication. If the circumstances of the criminality weigh heavily, the allegation will not merely mitigate the severity, but attach a stigma to the victim.

Based on all these reasons I have provided, my conclusion is that the circumstances and motivations, despite their merits, should not be taken into consideration in the sentencing. Fixed punishment ought to be enforced. Whoever commits the same crime ought to be subject to the same penalty.

I've changed my way of writing the conclusion paragraph, added a transition sentence in the end of each body paragraph and focused on one topic in a single paragraph. Hope the changes work.

I would more appreciate it if you score my essay. I set a challenging goal of 8 for my task 2, though I know I have a long way to go.

LadyOfClockwork   
Oct 2, 2017
Writing Feedback / ielts task 2 : - People should work a fixed number of hours per week [5]

I try to analyse the sentence.

"For instance, TCS a giant Indian software firm, reported ..."

Hi @vipy411, I don't recommend you to cite any research result or data in a real test. The reasons are listed as below:

1. You are denied access to internet, which means you cannot find any useful data or research result.
2. Examiners cannot verify the data you cite, so they would doubt your argument. The potential consequence is that the persuasiveness of your essay will be undermined.

You may use common sense to support your argument.
LadyOfClockwork   
Oct 2, 2017
Writing Feedback / [Task 2] Many governments think that the financial growth is a crucial factor for company existence [4]

@Holt
Thank you for your explanation that clears my doubts. I've long been bewildered by the model essays that use a series of examples to deal with general topics like "economy". Now I know the proper way to write.

As to conclusion, my problem is how to summarize the reasons I provide in my body paragraphs. I didn't figure it out this time, so my conclusion slipped into discussion. I will keep practicing with your advice to improve my writing.
LadyOfClockwork   
Oct 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / [Task 2] Many governments think that the financial growth is a crucial factor for company existence [4]

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Many governments rank economic development the top goal over all others. Yet this is an opinion with which some people disagree, who think other types of progress are just as important for a country. In the essay, I will start by discussing these two points of views and continue with my personal insight into the matter.

Governments give precedence to economic growth on the ground that stronger economic performance means a larger amount of funds, from which their country will stand to benefit. On one hand, a better-funded government can invest more in infrastructure construction to better meet the needs of their citizens for electricity supply, potable water, and transport services, among others. On the other hand, people with a deeper pocket feel free to satisfy their appetite for products and services that they hesitated to buy in the past. Therefore both governments and individuals are to thrive. However, reasonable as the argument sounds, some people think otherwise.

In their view, it is unwise to prioritize economic advance, since there are other goals of no less importance for a country. Take environment protection as an example. If pollution arises, human life and health will come under grave threat. Toxic air can ruin the lungs and stinky water can devastate the stomach. For whoever struggle with disease or death, even the greatest economic success will be reduced to meaninglessness. For this reason, equal priority should be placed to conservation and economic progress.

For my part, I share the point immediately above, since, based on my personal experience, governments are tempted to overlook what they consider less important. The Chinese authorities have just made such a mistake. When they embraced the concept of economy first, environment protection was sidelined or even dissolved into insignificance in certain cases. The consequence is obvious: Beijing, the capital of my country, is frequently shrouded in the immense, murky clouds of acrid smog.

Considering all the arguments above, the conclusion is that economic growth should not take precedence over other types of progress. Admittedly, it benefits a country by helping governments and individuals prosper, but other goals as vital do exist. In addition, when economic progress is established as the principle task, the less important is at risk of losing the attention it deserves.

===
I have three questions about the essay.

First, "other types of progress" is too general. When it comes to the presentation of "other types of progress are equally important for a country", many model essays choose to list a series of goals deemed as important, including social justice, human rights, equality, democracy or even lgbt community. But I chose a single explame, such as environment protection, to elaborate the idea. Which method better meets the requirement of IELTS writing?

The second question is about my conclusion. In the final paragraph, I tried to restate the prompts and distill the key point in the discussion of each paragraph. Is it a proper way to write the conclusion?

The last question is about the word counts. Since I have to give a complete paragraph to the pro side, the con side and my own opinion each, the word counts is well above 250 - reaching 377. Is it OK in a actual test?

I would more appreciate it if you score my essay.
LadyOfClockwork   
Sep 7, 2017
Writing Feedback / [Task 2] Should kids really obey all rules or do what their parents and teachers say? [4]

@Holt
Sorry to hear that. I have to admit that I didn't quite know how to write such a comparative topic. That's why the essay automatically deviated from the right path to discussion of only one side.

When I was writing the conclusion paragraph, I tried to avoid "model phrases" such as "in conclusion" and "to sum up". Though the experiment didn't work well this time.

I feel sorry to see the bungled work disappointed you. Yet I'll improve my writing with your advice. I am confident I can and will measure up to your expectation.
LadyOfClockwork   
Sep 6, 2017
Writing Feedback / [Task 2] Should kids really obey all rules or do what their parents and teachers say? [4]

Some people think that children should obey rules or do what their parents and teachers want them to do, but others think that children who are controlled too much cannot deal with problems well by themselves in adulthood. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

childhood under supervision



It may be open to debate whether children should obey rules or behave precisely as their parents and teachers expect. Some believe in obedience, while others fear excessive control on children will erode their problem-solving ability in adulthood. In this essay, I will outline the essential arguments of both sides and come up with my own opinion.

Advocates of strict upbringing build their point of view on the well-established theory that good manners are not developed by nature but by nurture. Innocent, energetic as children are, they cannot automatically grow into persons of great refinement. For this purpose, rules are introduced and children are brought up to polish their behavior accordingly.

Yet that raises concerns that they will grapple with a variety of problems when they grow up. Docility involves being comfortable with existing rules, recommendations or even warnings, but the keys to successful problem solving do not necessarily fall into these boxes. When creativity is required, as is often the case in adult life, they will find themselves mired in confusion.

Personally, I take on the pro side. It is noteworthy that even the most gifted children are not mentally developed yet, which means they do not have sound judgment and strong self discipline. Unshackled by rules or teachings, they are susceptible to temptations.

Admittedly, both sides make sense. Children can only acquire good manners under the guidance of rules, teachers and parents, while their problem-solving ability might be undermined in the process. Despite the disadvantage, I support the idea that they should be placed under control, since it helps them navigate childhood without yielding to lures.

I would more appreciate it if you score my essay.
LadyOfClockwork   
Sep 4, 2017
Writing Feedback / [Task 1] The charts below show what the UK graduate and postgraduate students did after college [3]

The charts below show what the UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

unemployed graduates and postgraduates in britain



The bar chart illustrates the destinations of British graduate and postgraduate students who did not proceed with a full-time job after leaving college in 2008. They are categorized as part-time work, voluntary work, further study and unemployment. In this essay, I will summarize the features of each category and make comparisons wherever relevant.

Overall, further study came out on top in popularity, followed by part-time work and unemployment, with voluntary work ranking the bottom in the list. Almost the same percentage of graduate and postgraduate students went into unemployment or voluntary work. As to further study, it led part-time work by a considerable margin among graduate students. Yet the difference was slender in the other population group.

Voluntary work was an absolutely unattractive option. Only 3500 graduates and 345 postgraduates proceeded with voluntary work. Part-time work was much more desirable, as it gained favor from 17,735 graduates and 2,535 postgraduates.

All the more so was further study, given the fact that 29,665 postgraduates and 2,725 graduates opted to continue their education. Unemployment was also a common scene in 2008 when 16,235 postgraduates and 1,625 graduates became jobless. With all the information, it is quite evident that the majority of these graduates and postgraduates did not enter labor market.

I would more appreciate it if you score my essay. Now I challenge myself to pursue an 8.




LadyOfClockwork   
Aug 13, 2017
Writing Feedback / The proportion of active Australian citizens in different age groups and sex. [IELTS] [4]

@Akairoi0213

Hi, I'd like to pick out some grammatical and vocabulary mistakes for you:

The bar chart presents the proportion ...
Overall, the bar chart illustrates ...
the age between 45 to 54 account for 53.3%, ...
... two age groups that make a ...
... become the littlest least difference ...
LadyOfClockwork   
Aug 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / The emissions of carbon dioxide (CO2) in metric tonnes per person [Ielts] [4]

@wuchunhung0927
Hi. You should have given your essay a second look when you succeeded in posting your thread. Images are occasionally uploaded unsuccessfully. Next time please check your threads more carefully, or you are at risk of missing comprehensive reviews.
LadyOfClockwork   
Aug 9, 2017
Writing Feedback / [Toefl] an effective leader should try to make others part of the decision making process [13]

@Roman123
Hello, my compatriot. Here's my advice for you.

First and foremost, you should have included the prompts, or more plainly, all information the test question includes. Without prompts, none can access your essay appropriately. There are obliging and authorative contributors here. They will with alacrity click into your thread and provide your detail recommendations. However, they are allowed to review each essay only once, which means if it's up to them to inform you of prompts-missing, you will lose the precious oppotunity to obtail effective help.

As to vagueness, I assume the reason is that you failed to work out an outline. E.G.

Opinion: I think an effective leader should try to make others part of the decision making process.

Central arguments1: it can strengthen cooperation.

Proof and details to support the argument:
1.to exchange of ideas
2.to consider others' opinion
3.to work out the decision collectively
...

If you had fully developed such a outline, your essay would have been by no means 'vague' but 'logically coherent".
LadyOfClockwork   
Aug 8, 2017
Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 1]The graph below shows the rate of smoking per 1000 people in Someland [3]

The graph below shows the rate of smoking per 1000 people in Someland from 1960 to 2000.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.


Percentage of smokers in Someland



The figure presented for analysis is a line graph. It illustrates the rates of smoking per thousand by sex, in Someland during 1960 to 2000. To better capture their distinctions, the period will be split into two phases - 1960-1975 and 1975-2000.

Overall, smoking rates for both genders converged around 200 per thousand. In 1960, much higher prevalence of smoking was found among males than females, over half versus below one in ten. Yet the disparity was rapidly narrowed, though never eliminated, over the course of next four decades when fewer men continued to light up but more women took it up.

At the beginning of phase one, 600 out of every 1000 men smoked, while less than 100 per 1000 women did so. The next 15 years saw a steady drop in male smoking rate, to 500 per 1000 in 1975. The prevalence of women who puffed, however, tended in the opposite direction, stepping up to its all-time high at marginally above 300 per 1000 when the phase ended.

Into phase two, men became more comparable to women in smoking rate, as male smokers shrank at more than double the rate female ones did. Female smoking rate held stable for 15 years before eventually sliding back to 200 per 1000 in 2000. But among males, the prevalence of smoking underwent a constant decline, to approximate 240 per 1000 in the same year.

I would more appreciate it if you score my essay. Now I challenge myself to pursue a 8.




LadyOfClockwork   
Aug 8, 2017
Writing Feedback / Patience. What is your approach to problem-solving? TOEFL Independent Essay [3]

The prompts asks you to answer "how does it work for you?". In your case, "how does patience solve problem for you". Thus you should have taken yourself as an example, explaining the way patience helps you overcome hardships.

However, in your third paragraph, you always wrote about "you". As a respondent, you should have used "I". Just because, say, when I asked "how are you?", you are supposed to answer "I'm fine", not "you are fine".
LadyOfClockwork   
Aug 8, 2017
Writing Feedback / Children should be taught to collaborate rather than trying to show who's better - IELTS writing [4]

@Shirely Fu
Hello, miss Fu. Holt is a contributor, who is not allowed to review your essay twice or more (please consult the rules of the forum). So it's for me to answer your question about "diseases".

As a native Chinese, I perhaps have a better understanding of what my fellows intend to write. Now let me assume:

When conceiving the essay, you set your brain in motion, generating many ideas. But you didn't fully developed them in you written material. You left examiners "too much room for imagination". Perhaps you thought they would reason out the "underly" meaning. The expectation would be reasonable if examiners were native Chinese, like me and you. Yet that is not the case. They are native English speakers, whose thinking is different from ours. They wouldn't bother to and simply couldn't mentally complete what you intended to express in a couple of minutes, in which they have to seal an essay's fate.

So you have to make your writing clearer and plainer, easier for examiners to follow. You are writing an academic essay, not a scientific fiction. And as Holt said, there is no evident link between "a sense of competition" and "serious diseases". You should have explained it in detail so as to convince your examiners. Sadly, in an actual test with limited time, the task of proving an anti-common-sense proposition is too formidable to be fulfilled. That's why the sensationalizing should be avoided.

Instead of "serious diseases", I'd like to recommend milder terms including "worry", "uneasiness", "anxiety", "annoyed", etc. "horror" goes too far. After all, it's just "a sense of competition". There is no horrible scenes that, say, a terrorist mugs a little boy at knifepoint.
LadyOfClockwork   
Aug 5, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: the rate of smoking men declined gradually in Someland [5]

@tamdoan409
Hello. I would like to revise a sentence for you.

"... 1000 was smoking, which is 6 times as ..."
I don't recommend the clumsy expression of "which is" in chart analysis essays. It's not necessary most of the time. In your case, "6 times as much as..." is enough.

If I were you, I would write the sentence this way:

In 1960, 600 out of every 1,000 men was smoking, more than six times the rate of women, just under 100 per 1000.

Please note it is "just under" 100 per 1000 rather than "precisely" 100 per 1000.
LadyOfClockwork   
Aug 4, 2017
Writing Feedback / The graph below compares changes in the birth rates of China and the US between 1920 and 2000 [3]

The graph below compares changes in the birth rates of China and the US between 1920 and 2000.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.


birth rates - China and United States Compared



The line graph tracks changes of the birth rates of China and the US, the period covered from 1920 to 2000. To offer an insight into the trends, it is dissected into four phases by fluctuation in fertility - 1920-1930, 1930-1940, 1940-1950 and 1950-2000. This essay will move on to elaborate the underlying features in each stage and capture the differences between two countries.

Overall, China and America demonstrated striking similarity in the figures, their birth rates rising or falling simultaneously almost all the time. In both countries there were mild fluctuations in phase one, dramatic growth to their all-time high in phase three and constant declines in phase four, though China's birth rate changed with more volatility than America's in the 1930s. Another distinction is that China's highest birth rate was more than 15% higher as compared with its lowest, while the difference in the US stood just at approximate 10%.

The first phase featured an all but identical pattern of change in the birth rates of both countries. Having had a marginal growth to somewhere between 11 to 13 percent, they both slid back to the same levels as 1920, barely above 10%. Noteworthily, America's birth rate stayed about 1% higher than China's in the 1920s.

While such a trend continued in America for the decade to come, in China it gave way to a rapid increase to 15% in 1935 and eventually a drastic slump to 5% in 1940. Into the phase three, the birth rate of China bottomed out but that of America fell precipitously, to slightly short of 5% in 1945, its lowest point over the eight decades. Since then, their fertility began to soar and peaked at 20% and 15% respectively in 1950.

Passing over the climax, America and China went through a relentless decline in fertility over the next five decades to the vicinity of 7% and 3% each in 2000, despite occasional rallies in the rates. It was during this phase that China saw its lowest birth rate, well under five percent. The country was consistently exceeded by America in the rate by around 5% from 1955 onwards.

This time I tried to write five paragraphs and develop more complex sentences using 5 sentences per paragraph as suggested. I will continue to practice my writing this way. Though I also need advice on how to condense my essay, since writting such a detailed one is time-consuming and therefore not quite practical in an actual test. I would also appreciate it if you bother to improve my use of words, sentences or grammatical structures.




LadyOfClockwork   
Aug 3, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Write a report for a university lecture describing the information shown in diagram [3]

@Echu
Hi, Echu. Please upload the chart in discussion as the tips suggest. It's quite important, since none is able to review your essay appropriately without the chart.

Please put my advice into practice as soon as possible. A knowledgeable and obliging contributor will come in and make useful comments for your. But he is not allowed to review your essay more than once. If it's up to him to inform you the chart should have been attached, you will lose the precious opportunity to get his valuable advice.
LadyOfClockwork   
Jul 28, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1 - Water used in different countries in 2000. [5]

@R_Sand03
Hellow. I'd like to indicate you don't have to write a complicated term of "the water used in agricultural purpose". "Farm water" is enough, as proven by Wikipedia:

Farm water, also known as agricultural water, is water committed ...

Regarding "water", "volume" is better than "amount", as in "They required a third of the volumeof water we presently take from rivers".
LadyOfClockwork   
Jul 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / [Task1] Information about Chorleywood town [4]

@Holt
Thank you for your advice. I will improve my writing accordingly. When I was comfortable with such an ending sentence, I slipped into a mold I made for myself. Next time I will try to vary my expressions and lengthen the paragraphs.
LadyOfClockwork   
Jul 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / [Task1] Information about Chorleywood town [4]

Chorleywood is a village near London whose population has increased steadily since the middle of the nineteenth century. The map below shows the development of the village.

Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant


Report on the Chorleywood village



A map illustrates how the village of Chorleywood developed between 1868 and 1994. The process is divided into four phases: 1868-1883, 1883-1922, 1922-1970 and 1970-1994. The change during each phase will be summed up in this essay and comparison made whenever necessary.

Overall, Chorleywood grew as the transport infrastructure improved. Beginning as a small settlement, the village came to comprise several populated areas close to the transport network. At the center of the map laid Chorleywood Park and a golf course, which went untouched over the more than one century.

Chorleywood originally occupied a humble-sized land, in proximity to the south-north main road to the west and the park and golf course to the east. During the second phase, it expanded south into a modest-sized settlement, along the road but never across it. In 1909, there emerged a railway and a station in Chorleywood. It cut through the village from west to east and indicated the direction of its development in the next phrase.

The settlement south of the railway further extended both west and east until 1970, when a motorway was built beyond the eastern tip of the village. Populated areas then began to appear around where the south-north way crossed the railway and one of the main roads. In this phase Chorleywood expanded much faster than ever, but the park and the golf course remained well-preserved.

I would more appreciate it if you score my essay.




LadyOfClockwork   
Jul 25, 2017
Writing Feedback / [Task 1] The two maps show an island, before and after the construction of some tourist facilities [9]

The two maps show an island, before and after the construction of some tourist facilities
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant


an island development over several years



Two maps are presented for analysis of how an island was transformed for the purpose of tourism. They each represent what the island looked before and after the construction of tourist facilities. This essay will summarize the key features and draw comparison of change whenever indicated for the reader's benefit.

On the whole, the landscape, once totally undeveloped, went through a significant change. A variety of man-made amenities came into existence while the natural vegetation went untouched. In addition, the sea around was utilized for entertainment.

There came to be a reception close to the center of the island, about 400 meters from its western end. It was flanked by two rings of lodgings, both well-linked with footpaths, and situated at the middle of a newly constructed vehicle track. The route serviced the breadth of the island, connecting a pier to the south and a restaurant to the north.

With regard to the western stretch of sea, the area was meant for swimming off the beach. Trees dotting the island on both its sides were preserved when it became a tourist attraction. However, the whole land was not quite forest-covered.

I would more appreciate it if you score my essay.




LadyOfClockwork   
Jul 23, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Graph of employment rates in three sectors of UK economy [8]

@tommyph
I believe your opening sentence of your third paragraph could have been more concise:

Looking at details, as regards public sector... =>
With regard to the public sector, its employment stayed stable at around 37% in the first three years.