Writing Feedback / [IETLS writing] In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing [4]

In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing.
Does this trend have positive or negative effects on society?

More and more elderly people in today's society

Older people have made up more of the population in the west than ever and their share is relentlessly rising. Though they may make extraordinary contributions, the demographic transition has a severe impact on society.

To begin with, it's necessary to clarify what the aging trend actually means. First, it involves larger older population, who, admittedly, are special assets to society for their experience, knowledge, sophistication and growing eagerness to continue working. More Often than not they are the backbone of their fields, as proved by Nobel-winners. The leading figures in science are all at an advanced age.

However, the steady increase in senior citizens also drives up healthcare costs, since the elderly are vulnerable to disease and sometimes suffer from more than one condition at a time. According to the WHO, the over-60s already account for a quarter of the global burden of death and illness. Financial pressure is exerted on sociality. More resources have to be allocated to them and then the share of others is squeezed.

The situation is even worse, given the fact that the higher proportion of the old also involves, though not obviously, lower birth rates and the consequent smaller younger population. In this respect, social institutions for children and adolescents bear the most direct effects. In Japan, for instance, over 400 schools are forced to shut down per year from 2003 onwards.

Labor markets are not spared either, since youths are the major source of workforce. It is certain to shrink when the numbers of younger people reduce. The elderly cannot compensate for the shortage. In general, they are less energetic and ambitious and their physical conditions don't allow them to work as blue collars. Smaller labor force leads to fewer taxpayers. The financial pressure from older people becomes all the more unaffordable.

The conclusion is clear: the comparative increase in older people adds to financial burden and weakens labor force. It causes comprehensive, far-reaching, and above all, mainly negative effects on society.

Writing Feedback / [task 1]Surveys conducted in 1982 and 2002 show what motivate students to choose a school in the UK [4]

Surveys conducted in 1982 and 2002 show different pictures of what motivate students to choose a college or university in the U.K.
Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

decisive factors for schools choice

The pie charts shed light on six factors that encouraged British students to choose a college or university in 1985 and 2002. Overall, in 2002, they placed a much higher premium on amenities, social activities and facilities and reputation of the institution. Costs, however, came to be of little importance. As to the rest, there was only minimal change over the 17 year period.

The share of respondents who took into account reputation of the institution was 25% in 2002, five times higher than that in 1982. The factor of amenities, social activities and facilities followed a similar pattern, with 18% of respondents valuing it in 2002, up 13% from 1982. In terms of costs, only a small fraction (5%) of respondents weighed the factor before making their choices, while the proportion was 28% in 1982.

The factor of suitable courses and degrees remained most influential in 2002, though the share of respondents took it into consideration diminished by 6% as compared with 40% in 1982. Closeness to parental home was an attractive advantage to 16% of respondents, a moderate decline of 3% from 1982. Admission criteria mattered least in both years, as the factor was considered by just 3% of respondents in 1982 and 2% in 2002.

I would be more appreciate it if you score my essay.

• 
  
  
• 
  
  

Writing Feedback / The pie charts illustrate five sources of energy production in France. [4]

The pie charts below show the comparison of different kinds of energy production of France in two years.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

most popular energy sources in France

The pie charts illustrate five sources of energy production in France. They are categorized as coal, gas, petrol, nuclear and other sources, with the years chosen for the comparative analysis being 1995 and 2005. The essay will summarize the change in the share of energy production from each source and make comparisons where necessary.

Overall, in both years, the primary sources in France were coal and gas, which together made up over half the production of energy, while nuclear and other sources generated the least amount of energy. In almost all types of sources, there was just minimum change over the ten year period. However, the share of petrol underwent a modest drop.

Coal provided 29.80% of energy production in the first year and the share increased to 30.93% ten years latter. Gas accounted for 29.63% and 30.31% of energy production in 1995 and 2005 respectively, placing it the second place behind coal. Petrol retained its position as the third largest source in 2005, though its share of energy production dwindled from 29.27% to 19.55%.

With regard to nuclear, there was an approximate 5% growth in energy production from nuclear. Its share rose from 6.40% to 10.10%. Other sources followed a similar pattern, their share up from 4.90% to 9.10%. Nevertheless, their contributions to energy production in France were still smallest.

I would be more appreciate it if you score my essay.

• 
  
  

Writing Feedback / [Task 1] The two maps show an island, before and after the construction of some tourist facilities [9]

The two maps show an island, before and after the construction of some tourist facilities
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant

an island development over several years

Two maps are presented for analysis of how an island was transformed for the purpose of tourism. They each represent what the island looked before and after the construction of tourist facilities. This essay will summarize the key features and draw comparison of change whenever indicated for the reader's benefit.

On the whole, the landscape, once totally undeveloped, went through a significant change. A variety of man-made amenities came into existence while the natural vegetation went untouched. In addition, the sea around was utilized for entertainment.

There came to be a reception close to the center of the island, about 400 meters from its western end. It was flanked by two rings of lodgings, both well-linked with footpaths, and situated at the middle of a newly constructed vehicle track. The route serviced the breadth of the island, connecting a pier to the south and a restaurant to the north.

With regard to the western stretch of sea, the area was meant for swimming off the beach. Trees dotting the island on both its sides were preserved when it became a tourist attraction. However, the whole land was not quite forest-covered.

I would more appreciate it if you score my essay.

• 
  
  

Writing Feedback / [Task1] Information about Chorleywood town [4]

Chorleywood is a village near London whose population has increased steadily since the middle of the nineteenth century. The map below shows the development of the village.

Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant

Report on the Chorleywood village

A map illustrates how the village of Chorleywood developed between 1868 and 1994. The process is divided into four phases: 1868-1883, 1883-1922, 1922-1970 and 1970-1994. The change during each phase will be summed up in this essay and comparison made whenever necessary.

Overall, Chorleywood grew as the transport infrastructure improved. Beginning as a small settlement, the village came to comprise several populated areas close to the transport network. At the center of the map laid Chorleywood Park and a golf course, which went untouched over the more than one century.

Chorleywood originally occupied a humble-sized land, in proximity to the south-north main road to the west and the park and golf course to the east. During the second phase, it expanded south into a modest-sized settlement, along the road but never across it. In 1909, there emerged a railway and a station in Chorleywood. It cut through the village from west to east and indicated the direction of its development in the next phrase.

The settlement south of the railway further extended both west and east until 1970, when a motorway was built beyond the eastern tip of the village. Populated areas then began to appear around where the south-north way crossed the railway and one of the main roads. In this phase Chorleywood expanded much faster than ever, but the park and the golf course remained well-preserved.

I would more appreciate it if you score my essay.

• 
  
  

Writing Feedback / The graph below compares changes in the birth rates of China and the US between 1920 and 2000 [3]

The graph below compares changes in the birth rates of China and the US between 1920 and 2000.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

birth rates - China and United States Compared

The line graph tracks changes of the birth rates of China and the US, the period covered from 1920 to 2000. To offer an insight into the trends, it is dissected into four phases by fluctuation in fertility - 1920-1930, 1930-1940, 1940-1950 and 1950-2000. This essay will move on to elaborate the underlying features in each stage and capture the differences between two countries.

Overall, China and America demonstrated striking similarity in the figures, their birth rates rising or falling simultaneously almost all the time. In both countries there were mild fluctuations in phase one, dramatic growth to their all-time high in phase three and constant declines in phase four, though China's birth rate changed with more volatility than America's in the 1930s. Another distinction is that China's highest birth rate was more than 15% higher as compared with its lowest, while the difference in the US stood just at approximate 10%.

The first phase featured an all but identical pattern of change in the birth rates of both countries. Having had a marginal growth to somewhere between 11 to 13 percent, they both slid back to the same levels as 1920, barely above 10%. Noteworthily, America's birth rate stayed about 1% higher than China's in the 1920s.

While such a trend continued in America for the decade to come, in China it gave way to a rapid increase to 15% in 1935 and eventually a drastic slump to 5% in 1940. Into the phase three, the birth rate of China bottomed out but that of America fell precipitously, to slightly short of 5% in 1945, its lowest point over the eight decades. Since then, their fertility began to soar and peaked at 20% and 15% respectively in 1950.

Passing over the climax, America and China went through a relentless decline in fertility over the next five decades to the vicinity of 7% and 3% each in 2000, despite occasional rallies in the rates. It was during this phase that China saw its lowest birth rate, well under five percent. The country was consistently exceeded by America in the rate by around 5% from 1955 onwards.

This time I tried to write five paragraphs and develop more complex sentences using 5 sentences per paragraph as suggested. I will continue to practice my writing this way. Though I also need advice on how to condense my essay, since writting such a detailed one is time-consuming and therefore not quite practical in an actual test. I would also appreciate it if you bother to improve my use of words, sentences or grammatical structures.

• 
  
  

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 1]The graph below shows the rate of smoking per 1000 people in Someland [3]

The graph below shows the rate of smoking per 1000 people in Someland from 1960 to 2000.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

Percentage of smokers in Someland

The figure presented for analysis is a line graph. It illustrates the rates of smoking per thousand by sex, in Someland during 1960 to 2000. To better capture their distinctions, the period will be split into two phases - 1960-1975 and 1975-2000.

Overall, smoking rates for both genders converged around 200 per thousand. In 1960, much higher prevalence of smoking was found among males than females, over half versus below one in ten. Yet the disparity was rapidly narrowed, though never eliminated, over the course of next four decades when fewer men continued to light up but more women took it up.

At the beginning of phase one, 600 out of every 1000 men smoked, while less than 100 per 1000 women did so. The next 15 years saw a steady drop in male smoking rate, to 500 per 1000 in 1975. The prevalence of women who puffed, however, tended in the opposite direction, stepping up to its all-time high at marginally above 300 per 1000 when the phase ended.

Into phase two, men became more comparable to women in smoking rate, as male smokers shrank at more than double the rate female ones did. Female smoking rate held stable for 15 years before eventually sliding back to 200 per 1000 in 2000. But among males, the prevalence of smoking underwent a constant decline, to approximate 240 per 1000 in the same year.

I would more appreciate it if you score my essay. Now I challenge myself to pursue a 8.

• 
  
  

Writing Feedback / [Task 1] The charts below show what the UK graduate and postgraduate students did after college [3]

The charts below show what the UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

unemployed graduates and postgraduates in britain

The bar chart illustrates the destinations of British graduate and postgraduate students who did not proceed with a full-time job after leaving college in 2008. They are categorized as part-time work, voluntary work, further study and unemployment. In this essay, I will summarize the features of each category and make comparisons wherever relevant.

Overall, further study came out on top in popularity, followed by part-time work and unemployment, with voluntary work ranking the bottom in the list. Almost the same percentage of graduate and postgraduate students went into unemployment or voluntary work. As to further study, it led part-time work by a considerable margin among graduate students. Yet the difference was slender in the other population group.

Voluntary work was an absolutely unattractive option. Only 3500 graduates and 345 postgraduates proceeded with voluntary work. Part-time work was much more desirable, as it gained favor from 17,735 graduates and 2,535 postgraduates.

All the more so was further study, given the fact that 29,665 postgraduates and 2,725 graduates opted to continue their education. Unemployment was also a common scene in 2008 when 16,235 postgraduates and 1,625 graduates became jobless. With all the information, it is quite evident that the majority of these graduates and postgraduates did not enter labor market.

I would more appreciate it if you score my essay. Now I challenge myself to pursue an 8.

• 
  
  

Writing Feedback / [Task 2] Should kids really obey all rules or do what their parents and teachers say? [4]

Some people think that children should obey rules or do what their parents and teachers want them to do, but others think that children who are controlled too much cannot deal with problems well by themselves in adulthood. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

childhood under supervision

It may be open to debate whether children should obey rules or behave precisely as their parents and teachers expect. Some believe in obedience, while others fear excessive control on children will erode their problem-solving ability in adulthood. In this essay, I will outline the essential arguments of both sides and come up with my own opinion.

Advocates of strict upbringing build their point of view on the well-established theory that good manners are not developed by nature but by nurture. Innocent, energetic as children are, they cannot automatically grow into persons of great refinement. For this purpose, rules are introduced and children are brought up to polish their behavior accordingly.

Yet that raises concerns that they will grapple with a variety of problems when they grow up. Docility involves being comfortable with existing rules, recommendations or even warnings, but the keys to successful problem solving do not necessarily fall into these boxes. When creativity is required, as is often the case in adult life, they will find themselves mired in confusion.

Personally, I take on the pro side. It is noteworthy that even the most gifted children are not mentally developed yet, which means they do not have sound judgment and strong self discipline. Unshackled by rules or teachings, they are susceptible to temptations.

Admittedly, both sides make sense. Children can only acquire good manners under the guidance of rules, teachers and parents, while their problem-solving ability might be undermined in the process. Despite the disadvantage, I support the idea that they should be placed under control, since it helps them navigate childhood without yielding to lures.

I would more appreciate it if you score my essay.

Writing Feedback / [Task 2] Many governments think that the financial growth is a crucial factor for company existence [4]

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Many governments rank economic development the top goal over all others. Yet this is an opinion with which some people disagree, who think other types of progress are just as important for a country. In the essay, I will start by discussing these two points of views and continue with my personal insight into the matter.

Governments give precedence to economic growth on the ground that stronger economic performance means a larger amount of funds, from which their country will stand to benefit. On one hand, a better-funded government can invest more in infrastructure construction to better meet the needs of their citizens for electricity supply, potable water, and transport services, among others. On the other hand, people with a deeper pocket feel free to satisfy their appetite for products and services that they hesitated to buy in the past. Therefore both governments and individuals are to thrive. However, reasonable as the argument sounds, some people think otherwise.

In their view, it is unwise to prioritize economic advance, since there are other goals of no less importance for a country. Take environment protection as an example. If pollution arises, human life and health will come under grave threat. Toxic air can ruin the lungs and stinky water can devastate the stomach. For whoever struggle with disease or death, even the greatest economic success will be reduced to meaninglessness. For this reason, equal priority should be placed to conservation and economic progress.

For my part, I share the point immediately above, since, based on my personal experience, governments are tempted to overlook what they consider less important. The Chinese authorities have just made such a mistake. When they embraced the concept of economy first, environment protection was sidelined or even dissolved into insignificance in certain cases. The consequence is obvious: Beijing, the capital of my country, is frequently shrouded in the immense, murky clouds of acrid smog.

Considering all the arguments above, the conclusion is that economic growth should not take precedence over other types of progress. Admittedly, it benefits a country by helping governments and individuals prosper, but other goals as vital do exist. In addition, when economic progress is established as the principle task, the less important is at risk of losing the attention it deserves.

===
I have three questions about the essay.

First, "other types of progress" is too general. When it comes to the presentation of "other types of progress are equally important for a country", many model essays choose to list a series of goals deemed as important, including social justice, human rights, equality, democracy or even lgbt community. But I chose a single explame, such as environment protection, to elaborate the idea. Which method better meets the requirement of IELTS writing?

The second question is about my conclusion. In the final paragraph, I tried to restate the prompts and distill the key point in the discussion of each paragraph. Is it a proper way to write the conclusion?

The last question is about the word counts. Since I have to give a complete paragraph to the pro side, the con side and my own opinion each, the word counts is well above 250 - reaching 377. Is it OK in a actual test?

I would more appreciate it if you score my essay.

Writing Feedback / Some people embrace the concept that each type of crime should carry a fixed penalty [task2] [3]

Some people believe that there should be a fixed punishment for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

factors for punishment severity

Some people embrace the concept that each type of crime should carry a fixed penalty, while others make a case that it should not be left out of the sentencing, the consideration of criminal circumstances and motivation. There is much debate about this matter. In this essay, I will discuss both points and then come up with my own insight on it.

The advocates of fixed penalty contend that it proclaims the rigidity of the law, thereby leaving no room for accommodation or leniency. One criminal offense, one punishment, none can make an exception. This sends an explicit message to people about the consequence of violating the law. Thus they will regulate their behavior accordingly. The logic behind the argument, though, prompts concerns.

Other people object that suspects tend to be penalized unfairly if the circumstances and motivation cannot gain the consideration they deserve. As an illustration, under the frame of fixed punishment, a hardened burglar stealing bread out of spite is treated in the same way as a first offender doing so to feed her hungry child. The result is that the former enjoys undue leniency or the latter suffers disproportionately. While there is admittedly a possibility of such a thorny problem, I personally join the rank of supporters for the frame.

I back fixed punishment. In my opinion, the flexibility has the loophole that is exploited to cunningly bend the law in favor of offenders, since slight circumstances or good motives can be invented out of nothing. This is exemplified by the rape lawsuit, where the defendant may purport to be an innocent man who is seduced by the scantily clad victim or aroused by her sex implication. If the circumstances of the criminality weigh heavily, the allegation will not merely mitigate the severity, but attach a stigma to the victim.

Based on all these reasons I have provided, my conclusion is that the circumstances and motivations, despite their merits, should not be taken into consideration in the sentencing. Fixed punishment ought to be enforced. Whoever commits the same crime ought to be subject to the same penalty.

I've changed my way of writing the conclusion paragraph, added a transition sentence in the end of each body paragraph and focused on one topic in a single paragraph. Hope the changes work.

I would more appreciate it if you score my essay. I set a challenging goal of 8 for my task 2, though I know I have a long way to go.