Undergraduate / Emmanuel "a person who has had a significant influence on you"-CommonApp [2]

This is good! Just a few minor things left to neaten up, I think.


The use of first person (One) got confusing when you used "one" again, as a number this time, within the same short sentence...


It is unclear to me whether "their" is the running kids or the librarian...

'Their' as Librarians - "hoping to steer clear of their wrath"
'Their' as the misbehaving kids - "hoping to be spared their antics"


down the aisles.


You may want to consider striking this entire sentence and using the idea later...it really doesn't add much at this juncture.


When no one was watching, I would put aside my work and hide behind the aisles to read the novels labeled "returns." I had become comfortable in my routine. It never occurred to me that...

"The children's section was more like an unconventional nursery rather than a quiet place to read. The children congregated around the computers, teased their neighbors, and often even picked their noses once or twiceon occasion, displaying a keen aptitude for multi-tasking. <sorry, the visual you provided was so funny, I felt compelled to add to it :) At the time, my position certainly seemed less than endearing; after all, insect and dinosaur picture books had replaced Shakespeare and Austen. But one boy caught my immediate attention, he was certainly different from the rest.

This part is charming. Hope this helps! Be back in a bit.

Blue skies!

Jeannie

Undergraduate / common app feedback - a topic of your choice - i prefer choirs [3]


This thought ends too abruptly. In order to go from here to the next paragraph, I would say something like, "But the second violin section is an important part of the Orchestra, the team, and every musician starts at the beginning. It takes a lot of practice to master a skill." <I made that up, but you get my drift...Now you can talk about how much work goes into honing your skill.

Essays / University Exam Paper on King Lear: How to get started? Focus? Main points? [5]


Hi, AGD!

Don't worry about an intro/thesis when you are blocked. Just pick up a pen and notebook and start writing everything you remember about the play. How it made you feel, what you learned, what it was about, what characters come to mind; write it all out in a scribble if you want, and soon the ideas will really start to come. When the ideas strike you, scribble a circle around them and keep writing. At the end you should have a few things to focus on, and you can begin organizing your paper.

The thesis will also present itself in free-writing. What really sticks in your mind about King Lear IV?

I hope this helps!

Blue skies!

jeannie

Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]


Good info! Crimany! It is so complicated. Good thing I am learning it for fun and at my own pace...

Did your Shakespeare class get easier as you went along?

I will go read some more, and then try to write it again.

Thanks, Noto! :)

Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]

Are you actually stalking me, Rajiv?? Seriously, I am not that worthy. But I understand that you might be intrigued by me; my personality and style is overwhelmingly nice while yours is just bordering on a personality disorder.

If you continue on in this flagrantly unprofessional manner, I will be forced to take steps to see that you are censored.

Embrace harmony or shut up, you are boring me now.

Sincerely (<that, my nemesis, is paradoxically insincere),

Jeannie

Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]


It is metaphor (pretty words that compare something to the real thing). In the first case, the woman is wishing she was a treasure chest - a metaphor for someone who is filled with lovely and valuable things. In the second, she says that she will have intricate carvings- meaning she will have much knowledge and experience. Intricate means precise, and you know what carving means...to make cuts into something. Life cuts experiences, good and bad, into your soul, and you are like an intricately carved treasure chest in the end! :)

You are exactly right in the second example. The strange thing about metaphor is that it is left for the reader to interpret; sometimes it is very clear, but sometimes it is shaded with subtlety (hints about the emotional state of the writer). In this case, the ship seems to be boasting.

Ba, It would be easier if you e-mailed me at brokeenough@aol.com because I would love to help with your English! It is fun for me; it makes me think about things in my language that I take for granted and helps me learn to explain things more clearly (I want to be a teacher someday...if I ever get out of school, I'll be old and grey! ...I made a rhyme teehee!). Plus, I can use media to enhance my explanations since I don't know Vietnamese! :) I could even send you a Power Point presentation, Haha!

Blue skies! Jeannie

Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]

No, haha! I just started writing and this is what came out (Freudian?? Bad attitude?) Who knows. I just wanted to play with the rhythm of IP and write it as a sonnet. That's why I said to disregard the content because it's crap-py...I will discard it as soon as it's usefulness has ended. haha! I need some inspiration. I need to go see some more sonnets. Can you recommend any? I know Shakespeare was the king, but I need to start simpler...

Thanks, jonathan!


Oh, BTW, I was thinking about mean people who look down on good people because they want to make themselves feel better. I wonder if it is possible that this poem brought out Rajiv's evilness?? No, I don't believe in that kind of mumbo jumbo...or do I? Look at the timeline, though, weird...(See our forum for explanation. ;))


Yeah, it is very sing-songy. I am hoping to learn it well enough to understand how to quit that...I am counting syllables on my fingers still. :)

Poetry / HE WAS NOT A TEACHER.... [7]

Thanks for the critique of my personality, Rajiv. Was your intention to piss me off? You should try to know someone before you attempt such utterances; you would appear less foolish and malevolent that way...

Blues,

Jeannie

If you would take the time to left click on my name, you will be privy to every post I have ever made, and you will see that I am sincere. 'Blue skies' is very special to me, and everyone else gets it, so shut up. Thanks!

Poetry / A Poem about mac and cheese [4]


It would not have dawned on me to rhyme these two words (challange and homage), but I slid right over it without so much as a hitch. Excellent "ear!"

I also agree 100% that the french fry can't hold a candle to mac 'n cheese! :)

Poetry / HE WAS NOT A TEACHER.... [7]

bilal ABUZENAH

Hi, Bilal! Nice to see you back (where ya been??).

This poem is interesting, though I agree with Akua that it is ambiguous. Did you see your teacher's mug-shot in the morning paper or something? One small line of clarity would help this immensely. For instance, if your poem was about a teacher who got arrested, a stark 'headline' could be worked in with the poem <does that make any sense??

I have about ten million poems (exaggerating again...) written in times of angst that no one would understand; they could be good, but they are only good enough for me at this point, haha! What I would like to see at the beginning of many published poems that are frustratingly enigmatic is a brief explanation by the author. Some might think that would make the poem pointless, but sometimes I would like to see into someones mind for a second, ya know? Same goes for song lyrics.

Oh, well! Blue skies!
Jeannie

Poetry / Beauty (poem) [5]

Sigh, really pretty.

Is it "lay" or "lies??" <that one always gets me...

I am trying to learn IP, so this was a good example, thanks!

I almost got stuck at "What left of nature is there to admire?" then I read it again. The stress is on 'is', right?

Anyway...

Blue skies!

Writing Feedback / Biological perspective on Sexual Orientation - "nature or nurture" approaches [14]


Ah Ha! I understand what Kevin is saying now! You could expand the last sentence with a listing of general areas of study that support your main idea (no bullets, please, don't make me get out the ruler...)

Kevin, are you saying to write something like (making it up again...):

...interesting findings have emerged through the study of prenatal hormonal influences, chocolate pudding intake, birth order, and even hand-dominance.

Hmm, that would be better!

Writing Feedback / Need help with sociology essay: Panopticon of Our Time [9]


This explains a lot. In order to do away with the science fiction feel that you have created in the first paragraph, how about comparing Harroway's argument with that of the prisoners at Guantanamo and Abu Graib. I am making this up here, but...

Harroway (2009) argues that women from certain ethnic origins have been made into cyborgs, doing exactly what they have been programmed to do (or whatever she said, you see?), this is much the same with prisoners...

Again, just a made-up example to clarify your mission, and you thesis statement.

Hope this helps! The extra information you provided really helped me (I was beginning to worry about your state of mind, haha!:)

Jeannie (you can call me 'Queen' if you want, teehee:D)

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay, People with different interests and personalities cannot be friends [12]


I have never uttered the word 'onomatopoeia' out loud (I have no idea how to pronounce it...), but I did have cause to use 'behoove' the other day. :D So many good words, so little time.

sorry for hijacking the thread, sO...carry on.

Writing Feedback / SLIPPERS OF FATHER [11]

Well why didn't you say so?! <haha> Your writing is filled with beautiful imagery regardless of the fact that it is not perfect English; it touches the soul.

You are getting better every day, just slow down a little when you translate to English. Your stories are a pleasure to read!

I still do not understand the part about mud-filled cracks in your head. tee-hee! :D

Writing Feedback / SLIPPERS OF FATHER [11]


This is difficult to understand, Ba. Were your father's shoes burned in the funeral ritual to make sure he couldn't walk this earth after death; to be sure he was able to walk to "heaven"? I am curious about the symbolism.

"Within these of slippers, all was a crack in front of head and full fill mud stain." This sounds like you are saying that the mourning band felt too tight around your head, and the pain in your head, combined with the loss of your father and watching his shoes burn (the last of him - finality) made you feel faint...

Haha! My imagination is no doubt getting the best of me. Can you explain what the first part means?

Blue skies! (that means I hope your days are easy and filled with happiness and sunshine)

Jeannie

Writing Feedback / Need help with sociology essay: Panopticon of Our Time [9]

WOW! Ok, the subject matter is beyond me, but I will try to tidy-up the spelling and punctuation for you...

... have given birth to a new kind of cyborgs .
... within the codes of a binary system of organisms; ...

They attacked the World Trade Center , which created reasons (...) to attack countries suspected withof having ties to Al-Qaeda.

... declared as enemy combatant, and brought to various detention facilities around the world for the interrogation and power experiments.
... operated within the borders of the continental United States US) , making these (...) rights code of USA . The d etention Campsat Guantanamo Bay and Abu Gharib spell check...>here you are digressing to an almost manic, certainly speculative discourse. Needs citation for credibility>> are equipped with surveillance systems ...

I am confused about the purpose of your essay after having read just the first paragraph. It is comprehensive, but it has more of a science fiction feel to it that academic or sociological. You need a clearer thesis statement; something that tells the reader what the content of the paper or your argument will encompass.

Blue skies!

Jeannie

Undergraduate / 'tremendous opportunities' - Brown: Interest and Appeal to Brown [3]



that creates an infatuation...Hmmm, I think you can do better with this description. Being infatuated with a computer is kinda creepy :)

Your second paragraph needs a lot of work on the organization aspect.

I like the last line you put in, keep it. Work some changes and post a second draft. I will be happy to proof it again.

Blue skies!
Jeannie

Undergraduate / Eating roti canai - common application long answer [3]

I am Starving now! But first...

You might probably think that this is (...) complicated name and the Indian waiters, but ...

UsThe (or just Malasians') Malaysians' love for Roti Canai probably began during the colonial times, when it was generously ...
Since then, the Roti Canai has earned its position as one of the three most popular foods in this country (where are you?) . It even hashas even been reinvented more times than Madonna, from being: or ; it has been twisted into different shapes and adorned with additions of the weirdest possible fillings ever.

But the whole Roti Canai experience extends from just originates in theits unique?? taste alone . Since I was a kid I loved to watch how the cook would lovingly knead, stretch, and flip the dough into ...

He would then toss it onto the grill and it is allowed to crispen upuntil the crispness was just right. Waiters hu ng around the grill like vultures, waiting to snap up the bread the moment they areit was ready.

My attention is drawn back to the circular piece ... What sheer bliss! Yum!

... group of students in the corner, or the Western tourists behind me, it feelsis amazing how to see how all ...
It is atduring moments like this when I ...

This is an excellent descriptive essay! Well written over all, but make sure all of your tenses are correct - the nature of the essay is to bounce from memory to present tense, so it makes it a little trickier to get it right...also, lose the contractions.

The essay doesn't say where you are when you are in the present...I would like to know...
I am not sure whether or not it is appropriate for a common app essay because I never had to apply to college (I was middle age when I entered community college through the military, so the application process consisted of signing on the dotted line and forking over the dough:), but maybe someone else can advise you on that.

This was a real pleasure to read, Ashwini, and if you change nothing, they are only minor errors. Good job.
Blue skies!
Jeannie Oops! I forgot to address the first paragraph!

"You might probably think that this is an Indian restaurant, with a in light of the complicated name and the Indian waiters, but I prefer to think of it as a Malaysian eatery."

"At that moment a waiter suddenly flings a piece of bread onto my banana leaf." <this bounced back to the present too fast for me...

Graduate / LSE International Relations grad essay - correct [5]


21st century is about as modern as it gets...


These sentences don't tie in very well. You should expand the thought a little, or leave it out. Actually, the rest of the first paragraph runs off in a different direction, so my advise is to complete the thought you started regarding your family ties, then start a new paragraph.


After you fix the first paragraph, the beginning of this one will undoubtedly have to change a little.


I really like this statement; it says a lot about you! One part, though, has me scratching my head..."Studying management and mandarin, my goal..."

This is important to say, but I think it could be said better. Maybe "Having studied...?"

You speak English, Mandarin, German, and Hungarian?! Criminy, that's impressive!


If you are going to say "as an energetic and active child..." I think you should leave out "early on" - it seems redundant. This part needs a little more work. Can you re-organize it with the suggestions I gave? I don't really know your story well enough to say the correct things...

Good job so far! Re-work this first part, and I will help with the rest. Thanks in advance for helping others! You have a lot to give.

Psst> I will see if I can get another contributor or moderator to tag-team and also to answer your question about suggestions for schools...I think this would be great for any school - with minor changes to suit the intention, of course.Unless they charge a fee to try, I say go for all of them! :)

Blue skies!
Jeannie

Research Papers / political courage display, Cory Booker! [3]

Sorry, Caren, I just saw this...I hope she does well! I see that you have been helpful to others, and I regret that I wasn't able to help you in time - there are soooo many essays!

BTW, is your sister allowed to use this sight? Perhaps she can submit her writing for feedback a little sooner :) I understand she is very young, so it's no problem if you submit for her - you're a good sister -, I was just wondering.

Blue skies!

Undergraduate / Common app LONG essay - person who had significant influence on you (aunt, bro) [5]

This is Good, Alex!

A different girl exits the bus that afternoon-one thatwho is pale, withdrawn, and upset.

When I first hear d this story as a child, ...

My quiet voice made teachers shout for me to speak up, attracted bullies' cruel jokes, and turned oral presentations into public embarrassments.there is something a bit awkward in this sentence, but I can't really say why...

Transforming a blank page into a beautiful work of art or a tantalizing story ...

Awesome!

Undergraduate / Stanford Essay: I'm from an Island! [7]

"I had become so fixated on one star that I sensed my reality almost shifting, and the world as I knew it seemed to crash down around me.felt the world crash down before me . The star was so full of life that it seemed invincible; it had blinded me, and I fell victim to the rest of my senses. On the brink of becoming entranced, as I became entranced with the light show before me, it happened. The star died.

Writing Feedback / Biological perspective on Sexual Orientation - "nature or nurture" approaches [14]


The whole rest of the paper is spent telling about the research findings; it is an excellent segue in my opinion...P.S. No bullets allowed in APA. :)

Oops, I just read ahead to your post, Justin, and I see that you already responded...well, at least we are a united front! teehee!

Undergraduate / "If you can dream, you can do it." - Art Institute of San Francisco Application Essay [6]

This idea has me jumping up and down! Yes! This would totally set you apart!
Great advise, Kevin! (and thanks for the good catch! yes, I can post now :)

OK, I look forward to your reply, Maria. Let us know what you think, and feel free to ask questions. I really think this essay has a lot of potential.

Blue skies and soft, velvet, plushies! ;)

Jeannie

Undergraduate / "I had a crush on Jennifer" - Essay Prompt [8]

Great advise, y'all!



I agree. I got the sense that your entire relationship (not to disrespect your relationship) was initially based on superficiality and it didn't really grow much in the telling... If you are determined to use this topic, it would behoove you to show growth in the process.

Blue skies!

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay, People with different interests and personalities cannot be friends [12]


Crime-en-ee with the accent on the first syllable.
A sentence might go like this, "Crimany, doesn't anybody work around here?"


lest ears might hear a blasphemous oath, be still
let "crimany" be a stand-in for your will

yeah, yeah, whaddya want under this kind of pressure? The whole future of a word is at stake!


Crimany! Ya stymied me! Mheep! <BTW I just discovered that sesame street purloined my onomatopoeia!

Thanks for reassuring me that I hadn't been using some weird, made-up, word all this time that nobody else knew..

Writing Feedback / Biological perspective on Sexual Orientation - "nature or nurture" approaches [14]

I look forward to reading it! I will keep my eyes peeled.

Jeannie

Undergraduate / "I had a crush on Jennifer" - Essay Prompt [8]

Hi, Roy!

I will be happy to help with your essay! This is a very rough draft, though, so I have a request first :).

Read your writing out loud, to yourself or someone else, sentence by sentence, and fix the parts that don't make sense or that don't flow well. Then re-post this (as a close-to-final draft hopefully...) and we can start. Here is one small part that needs fixing:

"Before the new quarter of running start courses started," See?

See ya tomorrow!

Blue skies!

Jeannie

Undergraduate / "If you can dream, you can do it." - Art Institute of San Francisco Application Essay [6]

This essay is nicely planned, Maria, and the information is comprehensive! Great place to start. There are some sentence and paragraph structure issues, but they are easily fixed:


I would switch your order around when you list the items in your room so we can get rid of the parentheses...

" My room was a homage to the Disney movies: a princess-themed bedroom set, a collection of characters lining the shelves, and plushies from various films scattered across the floor. My favorite was a giant stuffed 'Musafa'."

I messed up somehow, and now I keep having to go back and forth between editing screens and your post...I will see if the Moderator's can help me delete this and start over, otherwise it will take forever...Don't worry, I'll be back :)

Jeannie

Writing Feedback / Personality: A Trait Interactionist Perspective [10]


Ha! Not hardly, but I learn more and more every day I spend here.

Reading and putting a critical eye on other people's writing really helps me see my own errors; for instance, I tend to make really long sentences and use the "passive voice" a lot, but I don't recognize it when I read my own writing - others have to point it out to me (hopefully before the teacher does!)

I just got done with your other paper, and I thought it was excellent - I learned so much!

Since you aren't in a time crunch on this one, I will be back to take a look. You will see it in your threads when anyone replies. Till then...

Blue skies!

Jeannie

Writing Feedback / Biological perspective on Sexual Orientation - "nature or nurture" approaches [14]

Hi, Justin!

This paper is really interesting; I had no idea these kinds of studies had advanced this far. Good stuff.
Your paragraphs flow smoothly, and the vast majority of your sentences were very clear. All in all, a good read! I am not fluent in the topic, but I did find a couple of things that I wanted to bring to your attention:


This sentence is so long, I lost track of what's going on! :) Also, this confused me, "...latter had greater activity for preferred sexual stimuli than the former,..."


Revealed that having older brothers...


This is fascinating!


...Left-handed males?


Is this a typo, or is it just how y'all spell fetus? It seems I have seen it spelled that way...Oh, ok, you used it several more times, so it must be the acceptable spelling. Why is it spelled different here, I wonder? anyway...



True! I always wondered how they could even begin to understand or study the vagaries of homosexuality vs. bisexuality (and everything in between...) when we don't really have a significant understanding of human sexuality to begin with. Interesting.


This is a great final statement.

If you change nothing, it is still very well written!

Poetry / The Barber (a very short poem that I wrote). [8]


Well...yes, now that you gave me that lengthy explanation! Haha! Perhaps it is just me. Do most of the people you show this to understand without asking? If the answer is "yes," then erase everything I say. teehee. But I think you can come up with something a little clearer without losing the morsel part (I love that).

Poetry should have a certain amount of ambiguity and mystery, I think, while steering clear of perplexity or incomprehension (she says while writing yet another nonsensical haiku). :)

I don't mean to nit-pick, I'm just giving one opinion.

Blue skies!

Jeannie

Writing Feedback / Personality: A Trait Interactionist Perspective [10]


Hi, Justin!

I know what you mean about finals...l<8O I was just being cheeky.

If you want our help tightening-up the copy you submitted for class, just post it here; no need to start a new thread. I hope you get an "A!" :) It is really interesting (all new material for me...).

Thanks for the clarification on the secondary sources (I was worried for you :D).

Blue skies!

Jeannie

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay, People with different interests and personalities cannot be friends [12]


I know! "Crimany", a perfectly awesome word that I have been using all my life, isn't in there, but "ain't" got a spot? Crimany!

I know your intention, btw, I was just kiddin' around. I know what you mean, and fresh eye-balls are a very good thing!

Thanks!

Writing Feedback / Personality: A Trait Interactionist Perspective [10]

I was going to help some more, but it seems Justin has left this like random seed; making sure his thoughts go forth...

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay, People with different interests and personalities cannot be friends [12]


...you kickin' me out, Kevin?? :D You would be breaking my heart; I like helping with TOEFL essays! I get to calm down a bit and think about how to explain things...valuable learning for me. :)

K. Any way...I ain't goin' nowhere, teehee!< bad bad grammar!


"Furthermore" seems snobbish here; it would be better if you said it plainly.

"People can expand their horizons by developing different interests..


"...A narrow-minded focus can impede (??) both social and professional growth, especially in today's high-tempo environment."

new paragraph...
(...the way I think of paragraphs is like a pathway through the forest with pieces of candied fruit leading my way and the tinkle of a waterfall in the distance; I want to walk some more...

lead your reader with pieces of word candy - information - that will compel them to read what comes next. :)
This is a good essay,Wang! I believe in the message you bring and the arguments you make! Outstanding! I hope I am helping to clean it up a bit. If my explanations are unclear, please let me know.

Blue skies! Jeannie

Grammar, Usage / Was vs. Were for some sentences [19]


That's what I was hoping you would do! Haha! Actually, I wrote the first and it didn't look right, so I tried it again, and that didn't look right either...I am trying to help this person out >>

https://essayforum.com/writing-3/flower-grief-fairy-tale-11764/

Scroll to the last post...

Thanks! Yer a peach!

Graduate / 'May Fate reward your diligence' - do me a favor to check my diversity essy [7]

Look up the word "diversity" first, this might give you some inspiration. I also suggest cruising this site for other essays for the same prompt (there are many), and that may give you an idea about where to start.

The Statement of Purpose is a different thing altogether, but your essay here comes very close, so I would work on this essay to that end.

Look around the site for a little bit so you get a better idea what is being asked of you.


It makes sense considering University life is fraught with different cultures, personalities, programs, courses of study, courses you hate, and classes you love. Your ability to adapt to diverse environments will be sorely tested in college, so I imagine they would like to know if you can hack it. ;)