Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]

Posts by Jeannie
Joined: Sep 13, 2009
Last Post: Jan 10, 2010
Threads: 10
Posts: 214  

From: USA

Displayed posts: 224 / page 6 of 6
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Oct 10, 2009
Grammar, Usage / whats the difference between somones and someone's ? [17]

Hi, neuromancer!

"Someone's" needs the "e" in the middle to assist the reader with pronunciation. I don't know why, but if it were not there, it would be pronounced differently (even in our head).

"So" is pronounced differently than "sow", and because of the many antonyms and synonyms in the English language (words that sound alike but mean something different or words that are spelled the same but mean something entirely different), we have to put an "e" at the end of some words to differentiate the sound and clarify the meaning.

Yes, I am even confused by this! Does (see...if the "e" were not there, the pronunciation would be a hard "o" as in...groan..."doe" and the plural of "doe" is "does.") anyone have a better answer?

Really good question! Consider me baffled! Teehee!

Oct 10, 2009
Undergraduate / Drugs Are Cool (University of Pittsburgh Undergraduate Application) [8]

Work on the first one. It was much better (plus, I hate the word "cliche"...mostly because it is cliche, but also because I have never learned how to put that syllable emphasis thingy on the word...).

The first one you submitted is nearly perfect!
How do you put that thingy there?

blue skies, jeannie
Oct 10, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Silence in the house' - common app: Topic of choice [19]


Regarding your question about verbs and adverbs and their uses (as Sean pointed out), Yes, it does matter about the adverbs. The suffix ,-ly, describes the action.

In your example of the sentence, "So pleasantly, yet so chillingly.," you are describing nothing because you did not make a complete sentence...there is no verb (action) to describe. It was pleasantly and chillingly...what? Furthermore, chillingly is an adverb that roots in the word "chilling." I believe you were trying to describe how chilly it was in the room - meaning it was cold - and "chilly" is its own description as Sean related in his post. You could use adverbs like "amazingly" or "really" or "very" to further describe chilly, but it is already a perfect adverb. Why spoil it?

Instead, you could make a sentence with just the words "chilly" and "pleasant." A little twist of punctuation helps. Note the semi-colon.

A gentle breeze flows by, swaying the photo of my family on the shelf (was your family on the shelf??). It wafts the scent of pine over my face; pleasant but chilly.

Does that make sense?
Blue skies!
Oct 10, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Silence in the house' - common app: Topic of choice [19]

As funny as it may seam, we have a saying for what you are trying to express; it is "I have butterflies in my belly." I thought of this as an amusing irony after reading Stephen's reply about the literal meaning of "viscera." He will probably write back and say there is no way butterflies can be in ones belly. Haha! (just kidding, Stephen).

You could also say "I had a strange flip-flop sensation in my belly..."

Stephen is right about the word, viscera, though, and it is so weird, when I read an ESL essay, to discover how complicated and contradictory the English language is!

Your essay was so visceral (look that one up, haha!); I wouldn't change a thing past the normal grammar checks. I cried, and I remembered how lonely it felt when I traveled alone throughout my many adventures. I feel ya, bro, great story! P.S. I really appreciate that you are learning the English language so well because I am afraid I will be a while learning Vietnamese! :D

Blue skies!
Sep 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "pushing my legs to run" - Common App - Short Answer [6]

You might be able to get rid of some words (highlighted) and also use a semicolon in a few places top get rid of a couple. This will give you some wiggle room for any additional thoughts.

It was extremely hot and my heart was racing, but I couldn't stop then. The bend was coming and I could see a girl beginning to push ahead {gaining on??} of me through my peripheral view. It was my Junior year and Spring Track had just begun, this practice being my first time ever pushing my legs to run for so long. The marker was up ahead and the girl's feet were suddenly in step with mine. This cannot happen, I thought to myself. Newly inspired, I inhaled deeply and ignored the pain in the arches of my feet. I widened my stride for mere seconds until my foot made contact with the spray-painted line signaling 200 meters. I staggered to a stop and tried to ,circulating as much air as possible into my {through my??} lungs. I loved the feeling of accomplishment;, but next time, I'll stick to the 100 meter sprint.

Now you have a little more room. :) This program won't let me preview, so I have to send "as is". I hope this helps! It's a good essay!
Sep 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Elaborate on ONE of your activities (common application) (basketball) [14]

"I have always been fond of such activities because they give me a chance to free myself from the onerous chores at home, and to indulge myself in what I love to do."

Is the comma in this sentence necessary?

I agree with everyone; the first is better. I also agree that the last sentence sounded more like you like the ball's dirt on your sweaty skin (I know what you meant).

"Next, with my left hand, I slowly caress and wipe the sweat off my glossy arm. I smile at these sights, feeling satisfied and accomplished. I savor every moment of touching that ball."
Sep 25, 2009
Writing Feedback / A paragraph about Dreams [9]

HI, Mermaid!

Sorry, I didn't realize you were asking for help with this, but I remember thinking that if you were, I wouldn't know where to begin. That is why I wrote back in haiku form...haiku that only makes sense to me if you get my drift...

You lost me after "Dreams are just like flowers[...]." The rest of the sentence is a real mess, I'm afraid. :\

How about this:

Dreams are like flowers; both need nurturing to thrive.

I think that is what you tried to say...
Sep 25, 2009
Writing Feedback / A paragraph about Dreams [9]

flower dreams as real
wishing, waiting, slumber grows
in time, sun shines hope
Sep 25, 2009
Poetry / What style is this? Is it even poetry? [12]

Skydiver's Prayer

Write my soul in the clouds
Lay it bare for Truth to see
Find me worthy of the light I've gathered
Left by Angels who've flown with me

And on their wings I'll ride
Till dest iny calls me 'round
A time so short and sweet is done
As I flut ter to the ground

This totally baffles me. It seams as though the first part of my poem is free-verse, but the second is iambic. Am I getting close to "hearing" the rhythm?

I know I am being a bit needy (because I am...), but I do appreciate your teaching!
Sep 25, 2009
Writing Feedback / Reserve Readings - What did I do wrong in this essay? [7]

Hi, Simone!

True. I have only recently discovered this propensity; I believe it all began with the lengthy word count requirements when I started college, haha! Just before then, I was actually practicing brevity through 100 word essays! Ironic, but true.

Thanks for your comment and instruction; rest assured, I am working on it.

Hi, Sean!

That sentence is perfect! See? But now I have to come up with more info to satisfy the word-count, haha!

Thank you so much for pointing me back to the right path; I think I see my problem now.

I am really good at concise sentence structure, but I am kind of lost when searching for more substantive things to say...so I fill the gaps with meaningless words.

Thanks again,

Sep 19, 2009
Undergraduate / "well-rounded person" - FSU entrance essay [8]

Hi, Jodi! You have gotten some excellent advice from the moderators and members here; the fact of the matter is that this essay needs serious revision. I have an idea.

Consider this draft "free-writing." Now you have to read your statements and prove them. What academic and athletic successes have you achieved? How were they achieved? Who do you mentor, what leadership positions do you hold on your teams, and why were you appointed the leader? By the way, if you have already achieved success, why will your life begin at Florida State?

Read your free-writing, and make a list of examples to prove your statements. This will give you the ability to brain-storm a more complex narrative. From there you can work on conciseness.

You also need to eliminate all the contractions.
I hope this helps, Jodi, and I look forward to the rough draft! :)

Sep 18, 2009
Poetry / What style is this? Is it even poetry? [12]

Yes, Sean, thanks for those examples!

Simone, thanks, I will look for that anthology. Does it actually tell you what style the poems are, or is it just a book of differently styled poetry?

Thanks for your help!
Sep 18, 2009
Poetry / What style is this? Is it even poetry? [12]

Wow! OK, let's start slowly. There are stressed and unstressed syllables, hmmm, ok. I highlighted what I meant to be stressed syllables in this example of my writing...this is so involved! It will take me years, but do I have the stressed syllable down?

Blue-eyed Sky

I thought it was a blizzard, but I was wrong.
I didn't know then that they were the teardrops of Angels,
frozen prisms of colorful laughter,
the ultimateexpression of joy for she who had joined them.

Crazy complicated, but cool! 'Ever watch a baby being born? Ha! I will try not to trouble you until I have read some more and have a clue. Thanks.
Sep 18, 2009
Poetry / What style is this? Is it even poetry? [12]

I never heard of "meter," thanks! See? Now I have somewhere to start! Yay! I have to go a'googlin' now; see you in a bit.

I really appreciate your help. I doubt I will ever be "A Poet," but I like to learn, and "what style..." has been a burning question. I am glad I found this site!

By the way, Sean, I called my writing "prose poetry," and I noticed that you call it non-prose, by which I think you mean it is not written in grammatically correct prose??

What was poetry before the non-prose? Can you give me some examples of old poetry before it was corrupted...so to speak? I would like to see.

The only poetry I knew about before getting old enough to write my thoughts down were more rhyming poems (I do write a mean limerick, haha! and I dabble in basic haiku 5-7-5), but I still felt there was something missing...so I added me to it. Like this one; it rhymes but it is not so annoyingly sing-songy, ya know? (yes, I am aware of the corniness, haha!)Thanks again!


Tiny, shiny eyes that speak the Truth
That only Angels and God can hear
That whisper to lovers to come near
That call so softly "if you dare"
That rain in lovely sparkles dear
The stars in the night cannot compare
To the love that shines from thee (I absolutely hate this last line...sounds like a Hallmark card for Pete's sake! :) I'll fix it one day...)


Sep 18, 2009
Undergraduate / From a public school to a private, small, all-girls, Catholic high school - I need a simile [10]

I disagree with almost everything everyone said about this mainly because I loved the story and I found the over-the-top exaggerations to be fitting and funny! A little more serious meat on the subject is in order, but other than that, I am still giggling. What better way to explain a traumatic event (however slight;) than with humor and a good attitude. I would have you tell this story to my 'tweens.

Keep everything you have already written and expound on the subject with a little more gravity. I liked it. I actually felt my legs itching for a second there...

me, Jeannie
Sep 18, 2009
Poetry / What style is this? Is it even poetry? [12]

I write stuff. I have never taken a poetry class in my life, so I have no idea what style it is that I am writing; I just write stuff. Can y'all tell me what this style is called? I just call it prose poetry because I have no idea...is it even poetry?

Thanks for your insight,

Bird School

Today I watched the birds play. I watched them teach, I watched them dive and flutter just above the waves. I watched the babies learn to swoop the crests and point down toward the school. I heard the chatter and the laughter and the joy. I heard them sing and I held back my tears. I saw the prism of the sun as through a marble caught inside my eye, and I laughed with them, remembering.


The cold-white warmth of the Mother
lays its silky breath on me
showing me how to rest for now
I ache as I grow
She heals me
she feeds me
My arms twitch and pitch and fall and rise
in the quakes of Mother
strengthening me
She tells me to rest
I am resting
Her creatures play and romp
they smooth my hair and tickle my skin
they are gentle and kind
I rest


Salty water in my ear
I hear the sound of my own heartbeat
the breeze is amplified ~swoosh~
along with the sound of the waves chasing the birds back
The sound of the wind through the parched sea grass
and turtle eggs hatching the peeping of tiny toads
A summer symphony


Nighttime in my garden of lusty sound
newborn lizards and frogs peeping
tomatoes with growing pains, four new babies
three almost ready to pick!
The moon is so faded and still through the foggy air up there
a luminous rainbow appears around its fat and happy globe
rain again or just new glasses?
Sep 18, 2009
Writing Feedback / Comparison essay with subject on tolerance and power. [11]

Some level of dominion is required byfor a civilization to strivethrive , but as a global community, tolerance must be practiced to its fullest extent. It has been revealed to humanity time and time again that intolerance will surely lead to war and death. As long as peace is inducedembraced?? by the people and for the people, love will eventually fall into place. "We must be the change we wish to see" -Mahatma Gandhi

I really like this ending; I believe it!
Just my thoughts, Daniel! Good luck!
Sep 17, 2009
Undergraduate / "to be a Seminole" - FSU ESSAY [15]

K, I don't know what that was all about, so let's move on, woah amie.

The first paragraph should be re-written, in my opinion. I believe paragraphs should flow with a thesis, body, and conclusion similar to an essay. I really liked your start, i just think you should consider swapping the sentences around a bit.

Consider your main point, "Vires defines my academic achievements and my personal life." This is your thesis statement; your ending sentence (and excellent paragraph tie-in) is, "I have been faced with many academic obstacles, but I kept pushing myself to succeed. The rest is the body. See?

First of all, did Og Medino say what you quoted, or was he quoting someone else? If, as you phrased it, "he quoted...", then you are using a secondary source (much frowned upon in academic writing - kinda like he said she said...). Next, I'm not feeling the word "intellectuality," it is cumbersome. Another thing that jumps out is in the third sentence when you start talking about us and finish talking about you, "Though many of us have failed, strength and perseverance[s], has molded me into the person I am now.

I hope this little bit helps! I only have time right now to advise on the first paragraph before wrecking an essay of my own, ha ha! You really need another eyeball on this essay, though, before turning it in; how long do you have? I can help later, but I have some homework I have to work on myself.

Cielos Azuls, woah amie, and good luck! Jeannie
Sep 13, 2009
Writing Feedback / Comparison essay with subject on tolerance and power. [11]

Hi, again, Daniel! Here is one noun/pronoun problem:

"But when one takes out their anger on someone who did them wrong..."
One can not also be them because "them" is plural. Also, I realize you are using "their" as a possessive, but it is a little awkward when you look at the problem of "them." Does that make sense?

How about this: "But when people take out their anger on someone who did them wrong..." You decide; I only know about as much as you, I suspect, but I always like another eyeball on my writing before I hand it in. I am a little OCD about my own assignments; I drive myself nuts sometimes, haha! Not to mention I have a teacher who took points off an assignment because I checked all the correct answers with "xx" instead of "X" - not kidding. She's going to give me an ulcer!

BTW, you are absolutely right about contractions within quotation marks being acceptable.

Good luck! I bet you will get an A!
Sep 13, 2009
Writing Feedback / Reserve Readings - What did I do wrong in this essay? [7]

Yes, I see now. Plus, it was a really long sentence! How about this:

...HIPPA is a plan that attempts to mitigate problems associated with continuation of coverage, lesson the barriers imposed by many insurance carriers to pre-existing conditions, and eliminate privacy breaches especially associated with the current information technology age. As much as the general intention of HIPAA looks good on vast piles of paper, it does not go far enough in the details to be a viable and effective tool for risk management purposes, and the lack of enforcement is testimony to its short-comings.

Too late for my grade points, but is it better now? I do tend to make really long sentences, and I think my meaning often gets lost in all those words.

Thanks for your help!
Sep 13, 2009
Writing Feedback / Comparison essay with subject on tolerance and power. [11]

Eliminate the contractions. I could pick this essay to shreds, but then I would have to let you see mine and allow you to deliver an equal blow, haha!

I thought this was fabulous! Yes, there were errors (get rid of the contractions...seriously not allowed in academic writing...), but I loved it! Check your noun/pronoun agreements, and take a close look at the ending paragraph...you may have been tired. Have someone read it aloud to you (annoying, but effective), and then fine-tune it.

All in all, I would grade this an 'A' if I were the teacher; it is very well above 11th grade level. Go with yer bad self!

I am now inspired to go see who Forrester and Kenyatta are. Oh, by the way, be aware that when you get into college, profs are picky about what percentage of your assignments are quotes. I felt that you used quotes to effectively and eloquently enhance your argument, but more of your own thoughts will be required. Don't worry, you have great ideas and insight; you'll be brilliant! Good luck, Daniel! Great Job!
Sep 13, 2009
Writing Feedback / When a baby comes to this world, the first man they meet are his/her parents... [3]

HI, Jim! I read your essay, and I did get a general understanding of what you are trying to say. Are you learning English? I mean no disrespect; I got the impression of a language usage/syntax anomaly within your sentences and words. That said, allow me to start with the first sentence, and we can go from there:

"When a baby comes to this world, the first man they live with is his/her parents."
You have to make each part of the sentence agree on pleural or singular. The baby comes (singular), "the first man they" (plural...how many babies do we have now?), "is his/her parents" (plural again. How many parents are there now? The first part of the sentence said there was only a man, and now there are "parents."

Singular: When a baby comes to this world, the first person he or she lives with is his or her parent. (awkward, but singular and correct). Now let's try it using plural: When babies come to this world, the first people they live with are their parents (a little less awkward, but I still imagine babies landing on Earth in giant spacecraft, having flown light years, and finally seeing their parents for the first time);)

Best? "When a baby is born, the first person he or she lives with is a parent." That is a very hopeful statement, by the way. Take care! I hope this helps just a little! Jeannie
Sep 13, 2009
Writing Feedback / Reserve Readings - What did I do wrong in this essay? [7]

The syllabus stated, "Post a 200- to 300-word response to the following: After reading this week's Reserve Readings, make a list of at least three pros and three cons of the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA), including a brief explanation about each. Given the pros and cons you listed and the HIPAA information you read, is HIPAA generally a good thing? What might you change in order to improve HIPAA and eliminate some of the negative aspects?"

What is wrong with the following
essay? My facilitator took points off for not listing three pros and because she did not understand the last sentence in the thesis paragraph; she asked whether it was a pro or a con. I am baffled. The last sentence in the thesis was a segue to the body as well as the point to my argument. Furthermore, I listed three pros in the thesis...I highlighted them here. Please let me know what you think!

The Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) is a well-intentioned plan to mitigate the dilemma of continuation of coverage and the barriers imposed by many insurance agencies to pre-existing conditions in the event of an individual's change in employment status or group insurance coverage. HIPAA also attempts to eliminate privacy breaches especially associated with the current information technology age. As much as the general theory of HIPAA looks good on vast piles of paper, it does not go far enough in the details to be a viable and effective tool for risk management purposes, and the lack of enforcement is testimony to its short-comings.

It is difficult to support the advantages of the pros listed above that are the spirit of HIPAA when considering real-world factors. For instance, the continuation of coverage only applies to those who have a seamless change in employer-sponsored health insurance, but the existence of pre-existing conditions such as diabetes mellitus or hypertension can be excluded for up to 18 months by an insurance company if a patient has gone more than 63 days without health insurance. So, if someone were to begin a new job where the norm is often a 90 day waiting period for insurance benefits, the employee will have been without insurance past the 63 day rule and thereby subject to pre-existing condition clauses. Another consideration is periods of unemployment that frequently last longer than 63 days especially in our present job market. The rules governing pre-existing conditions do not apply in many circumstances so do not offer any real-world protection to the majority of individuals nor do they assist in continuation of coverage for any but the healthiest and most economically secure individuals.

Privacy issues have been a concern for health care providers and other concerned entities (insurance agencies, pharmacy providers, billing services, etcetera) for decades. The practical applications of HIPAA have helped to bolster a re-visiting of how we assure patient confidentiality and address the laxity in protecting sensitive patient data in an information age, but the whole program is cumbersome and no detailed plan was provided in how a company or provider should go about compliance. This lack of support from the federal government in implementing HIPAA at the provider level left most scrambling to figure out how to achieve compliance and spending millions of dollars on a myriad of software programs and consultants. The result is a system run amok and a general burn-out effect. Now, compliance is at an all time low, and HIPAA rules are rarely enforced anyway.

All concerned entities should maintain a common sense approach to protecting patient privacy. Possible mandates associated with across-the-board implementation of Electronic Medical Records will be costly, and other changes that will come from the universal health care package now being argued in the Senate must be considered. HIPPA, though well-intentioned, must take a back seat as our country battles to make our health care system more efficient.