Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]

Posts by Jeannie
Joined: Sep 13, 2009
Last Post: Jan 10, 2010
Threads: 10
Posts: 214  

From: USA

Displayed posts: 224 / page 6 of 6
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Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Personal Issue - The Language English [5]

if you want me to take a look at any of your paper, please let me know, i'll be glad to help you out :)

I will take you up on that! I begin orientation at my new school next Monday - classes start the 11th. I have issues editing my own writing, ha! I always need someone to read it over for me, and until I found this site, there was no one, so thanks!<for instance, that's a lot of commas for one sentence! teehee!

BTW, I forgot about the ATP thing - tictac is right - what is ATP anyway?? :)

See ya! Jeannie
Dec 23, 2009
Research Papers / The Conflict of Coastal Urbanization and Water Management [7]

OK, thanks! I just noticed another thing (I have read this paper till I practically have it memorized, and I am just now noticing??) I swear it has something to do with the font.

impact of human habitation on other species' habitats

That's a lot of habitation :)

How about, "...impact of human encroachment on other species' habitats..."

I will work the paragraphs as you pointed out. Thank you very much!

For hahas and giggles, can you identify passive constructions - that's a problem in my writing...Thanks, and like I said, there's no hurry at all.

Me, Jeannie
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / My name and it's influences on me: COMMON APP ESSAY: [5]

Though your original is gone, this revision appears to be almost identical, so my earlier comments stand. Sorry I can't help more.

Good luck & Happy Holidays!

Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Why its a good fit + Different points of view - Rochester Supplement [3]

Hi, Mal!
You begin your essay by proclaiming yourself unique for frankly common virtues. It would be best to briefly qualify your "unquenchable curiosity" by giving some example right off the bat such as:

"I can skydive with a book in my hand.(<<a bold statement to catch the reader's interest) My passion for learning coupled with a voracious need to experience life demands that I set lofty goals; I intend to be a pediatrician. The University of Rochester (UR) has just the sort of curriculum to pique and hold my interests - disciplined yet diverse."

The school's curricular flexibility allows me to focus on my intended major, while allowing me to explore other fields of interest with ease. I intend to pursue in the biochemistry major

Instead of making the reader wait 18 words to find out what your main interest and focus will be, why not just tell them? This can also be an opportunity to meld many of your points into one statement. (Look out! I tend to make really long sentences - it's a character flaw...:D

"During my quest to find a college whose philosophy is closely aligned with my aspirations, UR stood out as a school that not only provides excellent research opportunities in my chosen major, Biochemistry, but also offers the curricular flexibility to pursue psychology, another field that sparks my interest."

UR offers endless exploration opportunities, thus allowing me to become a well-rounded pediatrician.

As you might have noticed, I stuck your long-term goal (to become a pediatrician) in the first paragraph. You can use bits and pieces of your first paragraph and the body to conclude your essay.

I don't know what your word limit is, but your draft is 123 and the changes I made come to 101. This leaves room for your personal revisions and enough leeway for the closing paragraph (if it is a 150 word essay...) Hope this helps!

Happy Holidays!

Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Essay for Princeton, Williams, Swarthmore, Bowdoin, and Kenyon-(Personal Essay) [2]

For years this has been my own goal, and I have taken many of the same approaches as Werther in my effort to become a more accomplished artist. Daily sketches, paintings, and journal entries.

"Daily sketches, paintings, and journal entries." You should make this into an independent clause, and tie the two sentences together with a semi-colon. You could also "cut and paste" the second sentence into the first like so:

"For years this has been my own goal, and I have taken many of the same approaches as Werther - daily sketches, paintings, and journal entries - in my effort to become a more accomplished artist.

gave me the chance to see the ravages of letting one's desires grow out of control.

Hmmm, I'm thinking of ravages as more of a symptom of consequence. "...to see the ravaging consequence of letting one's desires grow out of control" ??

Werther invests himself so deeply in others that he becomes dependent on them to grow and flourish.

It sounds like "they" are the ones who are growing and flourishing.:) How about "...in order to grow and flourish."

This is so good, I almost feel as though I am nit-picking!
Great job. Parker!Your essay was a pleasure to read.

Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / "I can't dance." - BU 3 words that describe you - INTRO [11]

Hi, Twizzlestraw! I am really confused. What is your essay suppose to be about - what is the prompt? Also, did you write the poem? The style you are going for is confusing.

I'll check back in a few (what was wrong with your first essay?? Starting over is a risky step if your time is almost up...)

I am supposed to write an essay of my own, and I am blocked. I will be back though!

Jan 4, 2010
Writing Feedback / "Miss Wordy" strikes again. I have to chop oh, about 193 words. [4]

Please write approximately 250-400 words to discuss one to three important influences on your life to date. You may choose people, critical incidents, other more common but still meaningful events, or something else. Describe them and how they have helped shape the person you are today.

My own writing exhausts me...can you help me chop some words out? Also be on the lookout for passive construction (my nemesis). Thanks for any suggestions!

I was a little girl with the first dawning of innocence being slowly broken by years. I wanted so much to feel the Truth. I wanted to be free and untouched by ugliness. I would sway in the tree-tops for hours, bending the branch to the very cusp of its snap. I wanted to know that God was there. I wanted everyone to know that I was not afraid, but I was terrified. Not of the tree or of its branches breaking, but of living a life without hope of ever being good enough.

I have spent my life in a desperate pursuit of unattainable perfection. After abandoning that lofty goal, I finally found peace. Real peace, however, is always hard won, and there are events throughout my life that have tested my character, my strength, my integrity, and my ability to persevere.

After a difficult childhood marked by horrors few would want to know about, I left home. I call this my period of "apathetic emancipation;" I doubt my mother noticed I was gone. I hid at night in various friends' basements, and I continued to attend high school, but in the middle of my senior year, I was expelled due to poor attendance. Watching my classmates graduate was profoundly sad and demoralizing, and I sank into a depression that almost ended my life. I found myself in a very dangerous situation, dependent on a man 20 years my senior who took pleasure in devising clever ways of ensuring my emotional and physical suffering. There was only one way out; to sneak away and join the Army.

The Army literally saved my life. From a terrified, angry, half-starved girl, I was transformed into a healthy, confident, competent woman. They sent me to school, and they instilled values that remain the core of my beliefs: honor, integrity, empathy, teamwork, and will. However, one thing was still missing; faith.

Years passed and I married a wonderful man, we bought our dream home in the country, I was administrator of a large medical practice, and my roses bloomed like foolish fairies; I could not say what was wrong, but I was unfulfilled.

Soon, I found myself alone again - starting over from scratch. I was exhausted with trying so hard all the time. If I could not please anyone, what was the point of living? As I began to sink, once more, into that familiar and somehow sickly-comforting morass of despair, the wind seemed to whisper in my ear, "So don't sit there whining, do something that fills your soul!" So I did. I quit it all. I withdrew $13,874 from my retirement account, and on my 37th birthday I fulfilled the dream born in the tree-tops of my youth; I jumped!

Skydiving literally saved my life. From a terrified, angry, needful, woman, I was transformed into a woman of honor, integrity, and empathy, and I am part of a family who loves me despite my many faults. Most importantly, I have an ever-lasting faith in God that tells me I can sway in the tree-top, I can love with abandon, I can forgive, and I can learn everything there is to know. As long as I just put one foot in front of the other, I will persevere.

I believe I am wiser than most, and what comes with that belief is a realization of my profound ignorance and a giddy truth that all things are possible through faith.

PS. it's a Catholic school, so I am allowed the occasional and judicious use of "God." :D
Jan 4, 2010
Graduate / "Pick and Place ROV system"; STATEMENT OF PURPOSE for MSc in VLSI Digital Design [7]

My decision to take up Instrumentation Engineering was a logical culmination to my fascination for Electrical and Electronics which started as mere curiosity but soon developed into an obsession.

I realize your intention is to use "culmination" to describe many parts coming together into an end result or whole, but you went off on a tangent before explaining the parts...and I am still confused about the whole.

"My fascination for electronics and all things electrical culminated in my decision to study Instrumentation Engineering." See? The end result of your fascination was to study IE. I still think the thought needs more expression and detail, though. It is just too puny to stand in your thesis. That doesn't mean you can't use it elsewhere by the way.

This spurred me towards a good performance at the Higher Secondary Certificate Exams on the basis of which I gained admission to the prestigious Bachelor's Technology program in <college name>.

This is yawn-provoking. How about leaving this entire second paragraph out for now and working on the thesis.

which coupled with my intrigue.

< did they have fun?

I am sorry for being snarky, Harkiart, but the first 2/3 of the paper is spent telling what you have done when the whole point of a SOP is to state your purpose in applying to the graduate program at a particular school. This opens up a plethora of opportunity to make grammatical errors for no real good reason, you see? Only in the short ending do you really begin to state your reasons for wanting to attend this program. >>

[quote=harkirat777]I believe that the broad overview gained during undergraduate studies can be consummated only by the in-depth study that a Graduate degree will entail. My field of interest being highly application <this is awkward..."Because [field of interest] is highly application and user-oriented, it offers tremendous potential for development."and user oriented offers tremendous scope for development. Graduate study wouldwill give me front-line exposure to the technological advances (that will be) made in this field and allow me to contribute to its immensefuture development.

I am aware universities in the UK offer great scope<what do you mean by "scope?" and encouragement for intellectual & academic development and the qualifications from UK have been recognized and respected throughout the world.

OK, don't go overboard with the praise, however deserving, of "UK schools." Focus on one school's contributions to your chosen field of study lest you sound like you are just desperately wanting to go to England for generic reasons. There is competition among individual schools in the UK just like everywhere else, I suspect, so make your essay more about why you want to study at a particular school and what your purpose of studying there will be.

Your qualifications are numerous and praiseworthy, but you should save it for a CV and make it more concise for this application.

Good luck! I look forward to reading the revision!
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / CU - Boulder Essay about diversity and winter survival (500 words) [4]

... have to have some amazingly unique quality to ...

... positive attitude and an open mind, andI hope to deepen my understanding ...

Looks practically perfect to me. I read the whole thing through and completely forgot I was reading to edit until that last tiny bit. My eyes never skipped once!

I wanna go next time!:O
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Tufts - It's Not Easy Being Green! (Or Is It?) - Optional Essay [9]

Brilliant! ClapClapClap! YAY! That was a blast to read and so clever! I wouldn't change a word of it! except...

I'm sure he was relatively ambiguous to the idea of being green, viewing it as a necessary step to bigger things.

Did you mean to say "ambivalent?"

Excellent, Matilda! Good luck!


Oops, I also wanted to point out that the comma before "for good measure" is unnecessary...punctuation goes before a quote - outside the quotation marks, or after the quote but inside the mark.

Billy said, "why do I always have to do it?" See?
Jan 5, 2010
Undergraduate / Tufts - It's Not Easy Being Green! (Or Is It?) - Optional Essay [9]

Ha! I hear ya, sister! I only noticed it because I do it all the time too - that and there vs their. I laughed out loud at your reaction because I am mortified by the slightest error! I just have to forgive myself (and hope they will too) and move on...it is a horse, after all, and horses are allowed to imagine ambiguity where they see fit. :)

Good luck! It really was excellent!

Blue skies!

Jan 5, 2010
Undergraduate / CU - Boulder Essay about diversity and winter survival (500 words) [4]

It had been drizzling all day, but the sky finally opened up maybe i'm just not familiar with this expression ...

I thought the same thing and then I remembered that the sun sets regardless of cloud cover, and it gets even freaking colder! Perhaps KC has a point if two readers caught that. Maybe a tiny revision there is in order??

's up to you...

Blue skies!

Jan 6, 2010
Writing Feedback / "Miss Wordy" strikes again. I have to chop oh, about 193 words. [4]

Thanks Jennifer! I don't know why I can't see the words that need to go in my own writing...it's a phenomenon. Thank you! I cut out what you suggested and then some and handed it in still a bit over the limit, but I got an A! Yay!

:) jeannie
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "my experiences with Kelsey" - Villanova- Lesson I've Learned [6]

Hi, Stephani!

Time management is something I struggle with too, but I try to find at least some significant time to help someone else here. You have to manage your time better.






took < remember to keep your tenses straight throughout the essay or make a clear distinction of a shift in time.

I didn't care if I was unfit to help or if I even wanted

to help ,...


"I was...Iwould stay< or 'remain'"

This looks good, Stephanie! Just do another read-through for tense issues; there are many of them.

If you manage your time better, you won't be so stressed out, and you can use your obvious writing talents to help some of us out. yeah, I'm nagging...

Blue skies!


Those are only a few things I could think of right now. If I come up with any other ideas/suggestions, I will let you know.

Good suggestions! We were "suggesting" at the exact same time - weird, haha!
Jan 7, 2010
Writing Feedback / Are Juveniles Responsible for Their Crimes [4]

In light of the egregious lack of justice in the Jordan Valdez case, are juveniles responsible for their crimes? Most say they should be reasonably accountable, and the Supreme Court has recently agreed, but circuit court Judge Chet Tharpe said otherwise. He believes that it is OK to kill a woman who is vulnerable, tired, and homeless. He believes, in fact, that it is OK to drive over a living human being - crushing his or her bones beneath your tires - as long as the one who did it shows appropriately remorseful behavior in the courtroom. Regardless of the fact that this teen acted with a willful disregard for humanity, it is OK. Lack of conscience is not at issue here, after all, is it? A lack of conscience can be taught by parents and peers alike, so you can not hold a youngster accountable for their willful action.

What if an adolescent who lived with extreme stress and abuse and neglect all their life decided one day that it was just too much? What if he or she tried to burn the house down with the mother inside? You can have pity on the youngster, like Judge Tharpe had pity on Jordan Valdez, or you can see them as "creatures," like Judge Tharpe saw the homeless woman as a creature, but what if I was God and gave him or her a different family and a different socioeconomic background and a different truth and a different standard and a well-connected lawyer? Should juveniles be held reasonably accountable for their crimes? Or should they be made to make speeches.

What are your thoughts? >>on the topic or the essay
PS. there is neither a prompt nor an agenda other than editorializing current events and practicing the fine art of rhetoric. If you want more info, google key words. I only want feedback on topic and essay writing...thanks!
Jan 9, 2010
Writing Feedback / Are Juveniles Responsible for Their Crimes [4]

Kevin, your inciteful and thought-provoking critiques are always appreciated! I will have to right another paper about justice vs deterrent - that's a good one!

I agree that punishing children is difficult, but the disparities in sentencing between poor vs wealthy are so frigging blatant, and that's what yanks my chain.

Yes, I do get irritated at the prejudice that some poor people show toward the rich (poor/rich is being used to simplify...). I can't begrudge anyone for having more than me - they got it, I didn't, so what. They struggle in their own way. <<I just wish I could go for a boat ride 8)

Thanks again!
Jan 9, 2010
Scholarship / Obstacles in my life (no father, sick mother, and diseases consuming my family) [3]

Hi, home-boy! (I am in Tampa;)

There are many grammatical errors, I'm afraid, but before we address them, I would like to see you remove some of the personal details of your mom's medical history - as horrible as they may be - and talk more about how you overcame your many obstacles to success. Many young people might have become so overwhelmed that their grades would suffer; they might even have given up on school altogether.

Talk more about how you handled all the bad things that happened - how you persevered. Did you keep your grades up? If so, how did you manage not to let your home life and family troubles interfere with your goals.

If you think of the scholarship board as an entity that is tasked with finding not only the most needful and deserving student, but also the student who is most likely to succeed and benefit and persevere - no matter what happens, then you will get an idea of how to convince them that you are the right choice.

Let me know if you have any questions, meanwhile, I look forward to your revisions!

Blue skies, Jose!
Jan 10, 2010
Undergraduate / University of Western - Ivey - university admission essay - Leadership Potential [3]


OK, if you insist :)

Actually, this is quite good! If I help you, will you help some others with their essays? Please?

I believe there is no such thing as a great "natural leader." (I beg to differ. While I agree there are those who learn to be effective leaders, there are also those who are practically born taking charge. To say there is no such thing as a natural leader begs the question, "why not?" In my opinion, you fail to prove your assertion in this next bit...> Leadership qualities are nurtured ... I joined my school's Volunteers in Power (VIP) <<perfect club only to finish my ...

However, the experience and pleasure inI gained from participating in and organizing ...

... club has set a platform forfrom where I am able to ...
This year, VIP has closely worked with the Toronto Foundation for Student Success (TFSS)<<perfect in events such as the TTC missed a spot :) what is TTC?? coin challenge, an event geared towardsnot incorrect, just too many words with S's in a row - use toward here raising funds to decrease student poverty. This event tested me in terms of humanpersonnel management, time management ...

I was responsible for contacting and informing the TTC, TFSS and school adminspell out the whole word about dates, required resources and paperwork, advertising this events via morning announcements, (...) the 113 students in the eventwho participated or you could say "113 participating students..." . VIP raised $1,869.64.

In a short time, I have unexpectingly<<spelling/typo developed a devotion to VIP.

Excellent! Don't let the red marks scare you, it's the only color I have to work with. :D

Good luck, Gary! I know you'll do well! >Psst Don't forget to help someone else with their essay! It will be much appreciated.

Blue skies!
Jan 10, 2010
Essays / Essay topic: Climate change - global warming / thesis statement [11]


First, what do you know about global warming? --"carbon footprint" (I am beginning to hate reading and saying that:) please don't use those words in your paper...) "vapor trails and global warming," just anything your know about it...write it all down - scribble if your must. Does anything jump out at you? Good! Write about that as your thesis, and make it an argument for or against.

all made up, so do not use this>> "Over one million aircraft take to the skies each day, each of which causes 13oo pounds of noxious gas to be carried into the atmosphere. With over 200 million passengers seeking air travel, it is impractical to suggest shutting down the entire operation, but more consideration toward lessening the impact of aviation on the planet must become a top priority in the war against global warming."

This is not at all a strong enough statement for your paper - it is merely an example of a thesis.

I look forward to your essay submission!