Writing Feedback / IELTS writing part 1 - percentage of people aged 65 and over (line graph) [3]

Please ignore the odd structure because of the IELTS marking scheme.
Focusing in grammar and sentence patterns is fine. Thank you!
Below is the essay:

proportion of elder population in some three countries

The line graph illustrates the percentage of people aged 65 and above in three countries (Japan, Sweden and USA) from 1940 to 2040.

Overall, the consumption of all countries rose over the period given. From the period started, the highest proportion of old people was in United States, which was replaced by Sweden between later 1990s and 2030, and following that Japan became the popular spread.

The percentage of old American started at approximately 9% in 1940, then the figure fluctuated and increase to 28% in 2040. Likewise, in the first year, there were 7% of population aged 65 and over in Sweden. It climbed up at just over 25% in the final year after it experienced years of fluctuation.

With regards to the proportion of elderly in Japan, it began at exactly 5% and went up dramatically to reach a high of 27% in the last year.

• 
  Graph market
  

Writing Feedback / Colleges and universities have to enroll the same numbers of students in both genders in all subject [4]

the girl-boy ratio at schools

Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Colleges and universities have to enroll the same numbers of students in both genders in all subjects. In my opinion, I disagree it. However, I believe that men and women have the same opportunities to study.

Firstly, having equal numbers of students in both genders may cause to reverse discrimination. Sexual discrimination and reverse discrimination both are not allowed in the modern cities. The schools should accept students base on their ability, relevant experience or other reasons but not their gender. People should not be benefited or demaged by their gender.

Secondly, people in different gender good at different things. It does not mean the sexual stereotype that how men or women should be, but they are physically different. For example, in biology, men is stronger and more powerful than women. Therefore, there are more male students in school of engineering, and their key of being there was their ability but not their gender.

Last but not the least, having the same quantity of male and female students in all programmes does not work in the reality. Registration of entering colleges or universities is a two way process. Even if the schools set the rule, the gender of the applicants may not be that equal. For example, there have been few male students applied the programme of nursing every year. They are not willing to study nursing because of serval reasons. So, will the university decreases the number of nursing students if they received not enough male student applications? So, it is not a good way to avoid sexual discrimination by controlling the numbers of male and female students.

In conclusion, there is not advantage to the society while enforcing universities to accept the same numbers of male and female students.

Writing Feedback / IELTS test one - why students study and how much support do they get [6]

the reasons for studying and employer support

The bar charts illustrate the percentage of why students study and how much support do they get from employers. The information is divided into age.

Overall, students who studied for career was majority in the younger groups, and the trend was reversed in studying for interest. More students studied as they like in older groups. Also, employers supported the students in middle age the least.

A high of 80% of students' studying reason was for career, compared to just under 20% in students aged over 49. Exactly 10% students studying for interest could be seen in young adult (under 26), while the proportion climbed up to 70% in those were over 49. The percentage of purposes of studying (for career and for interest) were the same in people who were 40-49 years old (approximately 40%).

Under 26 years old students received the most support from employers, while aged 30-39 students received the least (just over 60% and about 35% respectively). The students aged 26-29, 40-49 got 50%, 30% and 45% approximately.

• 
  
  

Writing Feedback / IELTS task two: young people tend to take a gap year before they study in universities [2]

It is thought by some people that teenagers should be fortified to have a gap year before they get in University. They may understand themselves more, but it may affect the freedom of them.

is the gap year waste of time?

Firstly, it is commonly believed that students have to know what they want and how can they received it from colleges. In some countries, especially in Asia, the helicopter parents make all choices for their children. Education is one of the decisions they make. In the children mind, studying in university is an instruction to follow. They do not know what can they learn in universities, and what they really want. Therefore, many people are regret after they saw a bigger world in universities. For example, one of my friend was studying business when I met her. However, she quit her bachelor's degree in year three because she realised that music is what she really want to learn and aim to be a professional musician after she know harp in the college. She is now a year two student of an undergraduate programme of music. It is argued by some that sending teenagers who do not really know what they want is wasting social resources, and giving an opportunity for them to get a job or travel around to see the world is a way to avoid problems.

On the other hand, some people support the opinion that to have a break or not is a personal decision of the teenagers and enforcing them to have it is injuring the freedom of the high school graduates. The students who graduated from secondary school are aged 17-18 years old in most of the countries. After years of education, the students are able to make their own decisions. Also, planning a gap year for the students is a way of spoiling. They should take the responsibility of their own life. It may lead to some negative effects to the students if having a gap year is compulsory.

To conclude, while there are some points to support students having to work or have a trip before they study in universities and avoid resources wasting, it may harm the freedom and development of teenagers.

• 
  
  

Writing Feedback / IELTS task one: the locations choice of the new supermarket [2]

comparing two sites for a future supermarket

The map illustrates the potential places of the new supermarket which are S1 and S2.

Overall, both of the locations are next to the railway, but S2 is closer than S1.S1 is being in countryside while S2 is in the town centre area. The town centre is surrounded by houses and apartments, and part of the housing zone was built with industrial buildings. Countryside is stated outside of the town.

S1 is located in the middle of the highway and a main road which is going to Hindon. There are 10000 citizens living in Hindon.

S2 stay between the starting points of the main roads to Cranston and Brandon, but more near the road to Cranston. There is 25km distances to Cransdon from the beginning place, compared to Only 16km to Branson. The populations are 15000 and 29000 in Branson and Cransdon respectively.

•