Vulpix
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / I have taken many journeys devoid ; Carnegie Mellon- Why?/ Major [8]
"Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision."
This, to me, is a red flag. The prompt is asking you to be very specific about your future major and career, with less emphasis on why you developed that interest and more emphasis on the direction you plan on going in the future. There are certainly parts of your essay that address that, but I think you should do so in more detail. For example, you talk about finding energy alternatives- be more specific! Do you mean alternative means of generating energy, or greater efficiency in transportation or packaging, or what? And how do you want to incorporate science into business, for example? And what sort of business? This is the chance for you to elaborate more on your passions and interests, and you should definitely take advantage of that.
Also, if you want to talk about its location in Pittsburgh, you should probably relate that to your interests by talking about internship or research opportunities.
"the ability to receive an ivy league education and at the same time experience ."
From what I know, the Ivy League consists of Brown, Columbia, Cornell, Dartmouth, Harvard, Princeton, the University of Pennsylvania, and Yale. In other words, Carnegie Mellon is a great school but not an Ivy, so you might want to say "Ivy League level education" instead.
This essay is a good start, but it needs more work to fully address the prompt. I look forward to seeing a revised version, and I wish you the best of luck with your application!
"Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision."
This, to me, is a red flag. The prompt is asking you to be very specific about your future major and career, with less emphasis on why you developed that interest and more emphasis on the direction you plan on going in the future. There are certainly parts of your essay that address that, but I think you should do so in more detail. For example, you talk about finding energy alternatives- be more specific! Do you mean alternative means of generating energy, or greater efficiency in transportation or packaging, or what? And how do you want to incorporate science into business, for example? And what sort of business? This is the chance for you to elaborate more on your passions and interests, and you should definitely take advantage of that.
Also, if you want to talk about its location in Pittsburgh, you should probably relate that to your interests by talking about internship or research opportunities.
"the ability to receive an ivy league education and at the same time experience ."
From what I know, the Ivy League consists of Brown, Columbia, Cornell, Dartmouth, Harvard, Princeton, the University of Pennsylvania, and Yale. In other words, Carnegie Mellon is a great school but not an Ivy, so you might want to say "Ivy League level education" instead.
This essay is a good start, but it needs more work to fully address the prompt. I look forward to seeing a revised version, and I wish you the best of luck with your application!