Vulpix
Dec 12, 2009
Undergraduate / Commonapp: Jack Sparrow vs Personal Experience [4]
I agree with keilinger- go with the second essay. It's stronger, more recent (few colleges want you to describe an experience you had when you were nine), and says more about you as a person.
Here are some grammar corrections to your second essay:
"I relished the thought of juggling with homeworks, extracurricular activities and increased responsibilities in my everyday life."
I'm not sure if "homeworks" is deliberate, but "homework" is usually singular.
"Although one might believe he is a lying eccentric pariah, he has certain deeply buried qualities which are visible in his small actions."
"Eccentric lying pariah" sounds better to me than "lying eccentric pariah"- just a thought. Also, "small" should be "smallest", since not all of Jack Sparrow's actions are small.
"I no more hesitate to go all-in with nothing in hand, a bluff which has paid off one out of two occasions."
"No more" should be "no longer". And if you've only bluffed that way twice, and only succeeded once, then it's hardly representative of the habitual risk-taking that you seem to imply you are now engaging in, post-Jack Sparrow. Perhaps you could consider using a more drastic example?
"He is can be cupid, selfish and untrue"
Get rid of the word "is". Also, I am mystified by "cupid"- are you trying to compare him to a small, cherubic angel of love? Or was it merely a typo for "stupid"?
I agree with keilinger- go with the second essay. It's stronger, more recent (few colleges want you to describe an experience you had when you were nine), and says more about you as a person.
Here are some grammar corrections to your second essay:
"I relished the thought of juggling with homeworks, extracurricular activities and increased responsibilities in my everyday life."
I'm not sure if "homeworks" is deliberate, but "homework" is usually singular.
"Although one might believe he is a lying eccentric pariah, he has certain deeply buried qualities which are visible in his small actions."
"Eccentric lying pariah" sounds better to me than "lying eccentric pariah"- just a thought. Also, "small" should be "smallest", since not all of Jack Sparrow's actions are small.
"I no more hesitate to go all-in with nothing in hand, a bluff which has paid off one out of two occasions."
"No more" should be "no longer". And if you've only bluffed that way twice, and only succeeded once, then it's hardly representative of the habitual risk-taking that you seem to imply you are now engaging in, post-Jack Sparrow. Perhaps you could consider using a more drastic example?
"He is can be cupid, selfish and untrue"
Get rid of the word "is". Also, I am mystified by "cupid"- are you trying to compare him to a small, cherubic angel of love? Or was it merely a typo for "stupid"?