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Posts by srandhawa
Joined: Oct 28, 2009
Last Post: Jun 7, 2010
Threads: 10
Posts: 157  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 167 / page 3 of 5
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srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Don't know how to start sop -- applying for an engineering course at UG level [2]

wow, well, say something about yourself, ask who are you? What type of person you are, what is interesting about you, what can you convey to the adcoms that will ignite their interest? Who are you, what do you want to do, those are the two things you have to ask yourself, at least come up w/ an outline and sit on these thoughts for a while, it will make everything easier.

It's hard for me to give you any advice w/o you showign anything? The number question is what makes you click? After that ask, what is unique about you? It should all start to come together after that, you can pay closer attention to some of hte things I mentioned above once you start to get into the flow of the writing. Your topic isnt that important, its best if it talks about one of your accomplishments or highlights it in someway, but most important is getting a flow when you write, words should come naturally to you and also do not forget about the reflective part in these essays, so important. Thats what separates good essays from trite, medicore ones, even if you dont have alot of content to write about, do your best to tell a story, and then if you spend more time on the reflective level you might be able to answer alot of your own questions and add to the story you told above. Good luck man, i dont know how much that helped, but overall, just keep it simple, really ask reflective questions about yourself and dont just settle for saying, oh i have nothing, write it, make a note of it somewhere, however vague and useless it might seem, im sure you've heard this a million times before, but really you can come up w/ a rough draft, its just about being committed and saying im not leaving until i have something on paper. Good luck

btw, what is specific about a statemnet of purpose, is it just what you want to do, or is it also why you are a good fit for where you are applying?
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

hey thanks alot batmankiller, i needed that, i was getting down on my essay really fast. Were you an adcom before, sounded like it in your last sentence? Anything in particular you think i could delete or anything that sounds vague? It's really hard for me to judge how good my own writing is and i've gotten mixed reviews.

Also, how do we change titles because i know the essayforum moderators do not like vague titles. Also, can i start a new thread w/ this essay or is that not allowed because this is now on page 2 and i feel like that will turn off a lot of pepole from wanting to turn the page and read this. Thanks alot
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "education is useless because it dulls our personalities." required supplement [15]

hey my bad, if the PIBV is an academic thing, then your right, i didn't research it, i still dont know though if the whole business idea ties into your essay, but your call, if you feel its important, id think about expanding it, specifically the academic portion of it, if it really is important to you you should def. make it more of a focus. good luck
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "I can have a sense of security" - JHU Supplement Help [6]

thanks alot for the advice, i will try making para 1 less vague, what kind of clarifying sentences would be needed though, i know theyre needed, just what kind? Also, in the prompt at the end of line 1 it says that you would want to pursue here. It isn't a bland what do you want to pursue, its what do you want to pursue here. I feel like that makes some diff, there are different things someone might want to pursue at different places. I feel like mentioning why you want to pursue what you want at johns hopkins and j-hop specifically enhances the answer to the question. An answer w/o regard to j-hop and what if offers seems very vague, your just saying what you want to pursue, again, you might want to pursue diff things at diff places. For ex, you might apply to penns business school because it so good but j-hops arts and science school because it is so good as well even though penn has a great arts and sciences school as well. Know what i mean? Thanks alot, any other comments greatly appreciated, i will read yours christopher.
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "education is useless because it dulls our personalities." required supplement [15]

auditory sensors?? what? Where did that come from? i know your talking about music, but thats just awkward phrasing, no need for it.
Your worrying too much, first your like this is def better now your saying your essay is def. the worst yet. My best advice would be realize how little impact essays play in the role of admissions. There are far greater factors, GPA, Test Scores, EC's, Teacher Rec's, amongst other things that play a bigger role than essays, realize you can write a great essay and it still might not have any influence on their decision w/ you. You'll be fine, even if your essay is medicore and you have top grades and test scores, you still will have a shot.

Anyway, as for the essay, this is better, more focused, but i would still try to add a thing about academics. You might find that it detracts from your essay, that it loses its focus as a result of adding the academics in, but i would still try it, again, PENN is an academic instiution, there decision to take you will be based on your academics first before your ec's so i wouldn't just ignore how penn is an academic fit for you. I would take your whole thing out about business also, it doesnt add much about you, just the purpose of hte clubs your in which wont help your essay at all. I still say you would be better off talking more about UPENN music and how you could contribute to it, i know you talk about how you contribute, but what you say seems kind of vague, saying i can contribute with my speical music talents and unique such and such isn't enough, show don't tell.
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "I can have a sense of security" - JHU Supplement Help [6]

Hey, i wrote my supplement for J-Hop, but im a little worried about three things: 1. Is it too long, where can i shorten it. 2. Is it too vague and abstract at the beginning, if you read my essay or would like to, is it too much like my essay and not add anything new. 3. Does it show a real passion with real unique reasons for wanting to go to Johns Hopkins.

Thanks alot any comments greatly appreciated.

There was something that wasn't right about the blue gashes on the kidney. It was the shape, the form, the vibrant color, the patch that formed and seemingly awkwardly. The red line in the middle was almost made to gnaw at my mind. It wasn't an artery, it wasn't a cut, according to my lab assistants, it was nothing of significance, and we would be cutting around it when investigating the organ which had been near the source of a cancer in a deceased patient, but nobody could convince me it wasn't how fate had designed it to be. It was bulging awkwardly, but it looked right at me, the center of my pupils was the target. I'll never forget that initial encounter. I didn't know what to think, I just stared.

There are numerous examples of these experiences, that have come across me in the lab, I offer you this one because of how vibrant it was and how seamlessly it struck a nerve. This is the beauty of lab work, be it through biology, chemistry or whatever field I choose to pursue. It's that stare, that haplessness that comes from why and how something is like it is that makes biology and chemistry so unique. Only in this field of work is it possible to just stare at something and cherish it for the unknown. It's that unknown, which I've worked so hard to realize, that I've begun to appreciate, that is so appealing. Even though I have stopped looking for relationships and sharply limited what I look for, what I see is just so profound. With lab work there is always an opportunity to sense and feel you through not being in control of the determining factors that make up the success of an experiment. It's this freedom to appreciate you and to uncover things without any pressure or direction that has allowed biology and chemistry to have such a profound impact on me. How can their be a career more appealing than one where you can just stare at something and appreciate it for its form? How can there be a career more appealing than one where you can allow answers to come to you, where having to seek for something particular often leads to far greater ideas?

Johns Hopkins University is in many ways the paragon of scientific excellence in the United States. What distinguishes Johns Hopkins from so many other elite scientific universities in the country? The dedication to research; it's simply unmatched. The incredible opportunities at even the undergraduate level allow for such a great understanding of science that plays a huge role in success after undergraduate school. This dedication towards life after graduate school is of paramount importance. So many elite schools in the country never give students the opportunity to understand or experience chemistry in bio engineering or pre-medicine. As a result, they are bewildered and at a loss of words to the emphasis that is placed on chemistry. Many look at this chemistry as the "dirty work" en route to more glamorous work. But at Johns Hopkins, the resources are there, from the ease with which it is to gain a research position (an absolutely huge positive), to the fact that there is a advisor assigned to every biology major, to prevent this from happening. There is no superficial view of bio engineering and medicine, the opportunity to understand its essence, both through lab work and through chemistry, are evident in Johns Hopkins.

For the first time in my life I can have a sense of security: I know that my future well beyond undergraduate school is in the hands of the school with the oldest biology department in the United States and a scientific culture developed unlike any other.
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "Oh... sometimes things happen." Something that didn't go as planned - MIT essay [8]

i acutally think your original conclusion was better, stronger, strange as that might seem. The new ending doesn't really leave me thinking, it just kind of ends flat, know what i mean? I thought the last line in particular of the last para was particularly strong, you have a good message there. However, my suggestion to add a line or two about the tangible diff. what it was and its true meaning remains, i think its important for the reader to see that. That would really add to the essay, and again, if you need some space, i think you can cut a little of your intro. Still, this is very good for a short prompt.

btw, i think this is great for an MIT prompt, i think you should show more about the tangible change, but as long as you relate the rest to of your application to a more science oriented base, this is great. Think of how many essays MIT will get about science, how an experiment for example didnt go according to plan, heres something unique and as long as you still stay science oriented, i think MIT will appreciate this kind of essay. Good luck, btw, do you think you have an answer about how i could avoid the abstract for my essay because the topic kind of invites it? Thanks alot
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

i will def read your essay, sorry for not finding it earlier:)

I think my main problem is that it is hard to spell out the kind of improvement im trying to show, know what i mean? You can't really measure how you were at ease, you can only show it which i think i tried, its just hard to avoid the vauge ideas? Any suggestions on how to avoid those vague ideas because the topic kind of invites them?
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / University of Michigan - Diversity - Short Answer Question [2]

you did look at the wrong essay for mine, the updated one was down below, i know its confusing, sorry, if you get a chance could you take a look at the edited one w/o any hapless words in it? Thanks

Anyway, about your essay, the first two paras dont add anything, you dont make any points of significance till the third para and you ahve to tie this third para to diversity. This third para should be the focus of your essay, the quote is unecessary as are the first two paras, and this third para is really what makes you unique, your not reallying saying singificant in the first two. Also, what you say are your contributions wont stand out to the admissions committee, any foreigner applying to UMich could say the same thing you did, how does that make you unique/ diff than the rest? Thats where your experience in Cairo comes in, make that hte focus from the start and go into the diversity problem more in depth, you seem to take a superficial approach, oh im from a diff country so im automatically diverse from the rest, no way, you have to tell the reader something that they couldn't guess from you being in a diff country in terms of diversity, this is far too predictable.

Good luck, sorry for being so harsh, i think if you really focus on your cairo experiences and add something in terms of diversity that a reader couldnt automatically guess, you could have something, just make that the focus and your essay will really improve.
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

thanks rdz123, appreciate the advice, but im a little confused, it seems like you completley changed your mind which is fine im just wondering, earlier you said the revision was a def improvement but now you seem to be saying your really confused by it. You said you liked the earlier one, so i dont know. IS it really still confusing? It might be, but i tried to take out those abstract words and cut out some of those awkward phrases. that para that confused you espec. is not good, because thats the para i try to show how i changed, i think i have the same problem i had before, you cant really measure how i changed w/ the tranquility and everything, you kind of need phrases and descriptions and when that happens things get confusing. Any thoughts on what i should edit or do? Basiaclly im saying that the calmness i had allowed me to just realize that there was nothing wrong with not knowing anything and being paralyzed is not a bad thing. I am also saying that i was getting away from the idea that i had power before, i didnt want to be forcing myself to look for something and become something, i just wanted to be who i am. That would be the basic cliffnotes type summary of that para.

i dont know, i think your confusion isnt just you, i think it goes w/ others are saying and is a legit reason to change things up, i just dont know where, i was confused how you basically changed from a stance of this is much better to i am very confused. Maybe its just me mis interpreting things but i dont know man. Maybe its just this topic thats confusing, any thoughts on what i can do, anybody?

Thanks alot

btw, rzj123, i dont see your updated essay, theres still only the same essay i commented on when i see your thread, where is your new essay you want me to look at? Thanks
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "education is useless because it dulls our personalities." required supplement [15]

First off, never say in conclusion, big no-no, your basically sending hte message i don't know what to say but if i were to say something here it is, im sure thats not what you mean, but thats a big turnoff. This essay is too long first off, too many ideas for a supplement, your trying to do too much. I would focus more on the music than the UN which doesn't really add to your essay, you just rehash the obvious in the end about UN and don't show anything special, basically i went to a UPENN conference and i could contribute to Penn UN if i came here. Your music para is better but add more towards penn music, you talk about your music communities, do a better job of relating it to penns social communities and whatever ones are relevant to music. Make a more direct connection.

Your quote is also awkward at the beginning, its generally just a better idea to make do w/o quotes at beginning of essays unless they are very provocative and profound(and this one isnt), and the theme of the quote is never related for hte body of the essay except for a little of a conclusion which seems more forced than anything as a i said earlier. You have a passion for music, make that the true focus of your essay from the intro throughout the body and how you'll contribute to penn, and talk a little about the academics (I know i said focus on one thing like music, but relate it in someway to academics, this is after all an academic instittuion), and i think you'll have a much better essay.

Good luck, think you could read my updated version of my essay COMMON APP FOR DARTMOUTH AND OTHER SCHOOLS thanks alot
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

thanks iruntheshow, i agree w/ your idea of cutting stuff down, but that was the older version, did you get a chance to look at my new updated version where i did cut that out? i know it is kind of confusing w/ all these posts. Thanks alot
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

thanks alot, i see what your saying, but im just having a hard time transitioning in the progression phase. Any suggestions, because i tried and i still seem to be lacking in that regard? Is the transition confusing or is just not really existent? Thanks alot
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "the department stores on Fifth Avenue" - Williams Essay [6]

this isn't a bad essay, it solid, but it doesn't have the profound impact it could. Unfortunately, I'm kind of stuck on what to say to help you out, it doesn't really seem like this is an essay you can do alot to change w/ only 300 words unless you completely blow it up. The best thing I'd say is jump right into this heterogeneous theme and say why as a Jew that you feel right at home more. You seem to tell why, but you don't show why, thats what i think you need to do otherwise your just making an empty statement here w/ liking diversity. And the only way you can elaborate more is if you have more space and i dont think think I would include so much about the Santa experience. I thought the Santa experience was solid writing and a solid introduction, but since you don't have enough space to elaborate on the heterogeneous idea which is far more important,i would jump straight into the heterogeneous idea. This would probably require you shaking your essay up a good bit, but it also would give it a lot more potential.

However, this is still solid as it is and you might find if you completely redo it becomes worse, your call, my biggest advice is to come up w/ way to elaborate or show your desire for diversity or being accustom to diff religions rather than just stating it, however you do it, it will strengthen your essay.

Good luck, if you get a chance could you read my essay COMMONN APP for Dartmouth and other schools Thanks alot
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / my father, Who has Influenced me. Princeton's Essay. [5]

your conclusion seems rather weak, doesn't do the job i think you want of capping off your essay. Also, don't focus so much on the characteristics of your father as much as he changed you. That whole introduction about him wasn't needed and really it loses the readers interest and doesn't relate to what you say later. Anyway, if I were you I would focus my essay around two things 1. How he was earlier with his strict beliefs on grades and much more importnatly 2 This new found indepndence he has given you and the question he asks is this leading you to where you really want. Those are the two things that can make your essay stick out and have an impact on the reader, if you focus on those two things from the beginning and develop your essay through that instead of your dads characteristics i think youll have something much stronger.

Your intro has to be very strong if your going to write about something like your father influencing you, because many many people are going to choose this route, you need something that jumps off the page, i think you might have it w/ this new found independence if you can expand on it significantly and show changes in your father. That would show a unique, but true and profound influence on you.

Good luck sorry if was a little harsh, but its Princeton:)
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "Why don't you try something your own league?" Brown best advice essay. [4]

i dont really buy your story of how just the advice of do something in your league suddenly made you wnat to be the best at everything you did and gave you more motivation. It just doesn't flow and im just trying to give you a perpsective of what like an adcom might think, im sure it did motivate you, but you got to do more to show this. This is the key to your advice, how the advice changed you, just saying it made you want to be the best and made you practice harder isn't cutting it. Also, keep in mind how many thousands of essays Brown's going to get on how a little advice convinced them to try their best and want to be the best, i know its kind of hard, but try to expand on this advice in a diff. unique, memorable way to the adcom. Good luck, mind reading my common app essay if you get a chance. thanks alot
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "Oh... sometimes things happen." Something that didn't go as planned - MIT essay [8]

wow, this is pretty good, i like it, but i didn't really get the idea of where's brian question and how that influenced you. Maybe thats just me(i've never been great at reading comprehension) but it was a little confusing, and i dont think the oh things happen quote fits well w/ the seriousness of the next sentence. Also, it would be beneficial if you expanded a little, maybe only a line or two, but a little on how there are better ways of making a tangible diff. and why what you did wasn't the best. It would improve the focus of your essay.

Good luck, could you read mine when i rewrite it, thanks alot good luck
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

thanks rzj123, i think when i rewrite ill do two drafts, one w/ the light idea to a lesser extent and one w/o it at all. i will take a look at yours, i was a little confused by what you meant about the transitions? I'm not criticizing your feedback, but if you get a chance could you elaborate a little on what you mean by mechanical transitions and how to improve them to improve the co hesiveness of the essay.
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / 'the university needs to fit you' - [Supp. Essay] - Why Chicago? [7]

i feel your pain, being confused and not having anybody to help you out w/ the content, its happened to me so many times before w/ writing essays:)

Seems like you have reasons for attending the school, which is half the battle, but your counselor is right, you just seem to plug in those reasons and say i want to go here because they have this without really showing how those things you like relate to you and what you can add to them( don't forget about this, even though its not asked for, colleges want to know what you can add to the school, thats one of the big things that makes admission such a crapshoot, most people don't do this and it hurts them). I don't know the word limit to the UChicago essay, but i would say you can develop this out a little more even beyond the reasons you want to go there, perhaps give one more example that shows another side of you.

For ex, i don't really buy your first example that U Chicago is made for knowledge thirsty people like you, its too easy a comparison, develop it out more on both sides, both in terms of what U Chicago is and what you are as a person. In the last para, talk more about your passion for art, and most importantly, share how you will enhane the school because of your persian culture and what effect it will have. Lots of kids from diff countries applying to the US schools say there unique culture and background will enhance the college, SHOW IT

Good luck sorry if i came across as harsh but your essay can have a lot of potential with your uniqueness both through taste in art and your culture and your apparaent legit interest in the school, now work with it.
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "My Reasons for DUKE and Engineering" - Duke Supplement [6]

your sentinments about duke seem rathar empty, nothing specific, in general its always better to avoid phrases like "The Pratt school will give me knowledge that will, one day allow me to give back to society". I know its hard to do this, and its impossible to avoid some of this to an extent when try to write positive things about the school, but these things don't really enhance your essay, just too clique esque.

The other thing is your theme on buildign things. Without being an adcom and looking at your application and accomplishments, i cant tell if this is a sincere sentiment and you have legitamately tried to big things up and speculate on the affect of technology or if your more just saying that and theres no direct proof of that on your resume or teacher recs. So its hard for me to say what, but if you do have significant awards/accomplishments with regard to technology, i would list one here. Also, i know this is my intepretation, but i would leave out the quote "during lunch breaks, i ask my teachers to set up challenging labs for me." Just seems a little controversial, maybe im taking it a little out of context, but it just came across as unecessary and an artificial way to come across as curious, if you really do this, let your teachers write about in their rec letters, it doesn't really mean anything when you mention it.

All in all though, if you can target the school more here and what specifically about duke engineering you like, i think you'll be in good shape, could you take a look at mine if you get a chance once i post my edited essay later today, thanks alot

btw: i applied ED to Duke, didn't get in so thats why im wriitng all my other essays:) but good luck, they do things a little diff. in the admission process so hopefully it works out for you, Duke really is a great, great place.
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Activity Essay : Splash or Mozart Vs Beethoven? [7]

i really like this essay, but thats not the point, we have to look at this from an adcoms perspective and what i think the adcom will see is that your really jumping the gun a little too much here. Your first three lines are excellent, focused and everything but i dont know if this whole idea of transitioning to music is a good idea, especially not as it is now. It is confusing, the last line and chant three cheers for bethooven especially and since this is a short essay, you don't really have the space to develop the idea of beethoven and how its important to you. AS a result, your leaving the adcoms guessing, even if you mention beethoven and music in other parts of your application, theres still a good chance they won't know what to think. LIke you said, this is just too abstract, too philsophical, since im a victim of this myself i can understand and like it to an extent, but im doing the best to put my bias aside because i know that adcoms won't have the time to think to hard about this philosiphical sentiment. Your best bet, and you probably know this, but i say keep this simple, not simple writing, but the first three lines esque. Not only will this be easier than writing philosphically, it will create a stronger, direct impression in the writers mind. It's hard to describe the effects the dive has on you when you jump in the pool, but experiment w/ it a little, and try getting away from something so abstract as beethoven and the harmony of his music or whatever your theme was. just remember, there's a reason this is a 150 word essay, it's not suppose to get too in-depth. I've always said never look at htis 150 word response as an essay, just look at it as another chance to provide a unique but succinct response to one of your activities, don't worry too much about typical essay stuff like focus and all that. Good luck, can you take a look at mine when i revise it? Thanks
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

thanks akshat, i'll take a look at your essay now, i'll have my updated version by the end of the day, could you take a look at that, i know your busy so you don't have to give an in-depth analysis, just general impressions if there is a significant improvement? I am dropping the light idea for good. any comments by anybody greatly appreciated.
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

thanks wanderer, don't worry about being too harsh, appreciate the real advice. Interesting quote by the UPENN adcom, i know it sounds kind of obvious, but i yeah, i definitely and revamping this essay. My idea was to get rid of this whole light idea, but i was wondering what should my intro be, how should i introduce this topic? Should I just get rid of the reference to two and a half years ago? Where specifically does anybody have any suggestions as to what i can shorten/cut out? Thanks alot
srandhawa   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "WHY JHU and WHY Biomedical Engineering" - JHU Supplement [4]

I'll be honest, this just seems to clique esque. I could honestly pick up what the essay would be about and your conlcusion just be reading about the death. Way to predictable, and to be honest, thats what one of the things that happens w/ stories about a death, i remember once reading a duke adcom saying that stories about death of a close one are usually a terrible idea because of how they all say the same thing: in his case it was just oh now i am so much more grateful of life and appreciate it, but with you, its now i want to investigate how this happened.

Also, another honest opinion, sorry if im coming across as harsh, but the last three paragraphs have the potential to be intriguing, but as they are right now, they're not. Just asking questions and mulling observations that have been repeated so many times, nothing unique there.

Also, i know j-hop doesn't specifically ask why you want to come to teh school, but other than that last line reference to J-Hop bioengineering you make no reference to the school. Bad idea. and speaking of the reference, never in the essay do you actually give any evidence or reason to wanting to come to J-hop, its vague, doesn't show you've done any research, and doesn't really add anything. This just seems like the thousands of other j-hop supplements that they will read, really is nothing to distinguish this at all. Sorry, i really dont mean to be a jerk, this is just honestly what i see and my best advice would be consider completely changing the topic because it is hard to write about a death or something that big w/o repeating what everybody else would. Hope that helps, good luck, im also applying to J-Hop actually working on the supplmeent right now!
srandhawa   
Dec 23, 2009
Student Talk / What is more important? Common application essays or supplement essays? [9]

i agree but keep in mind that its hard to get to a reflective level and tell a story without at least 500 words, at least thats how i see it. People forget the reflective level part in their essays, thats why there often so short. But at the same time, you don't want to get over 750 and yes there are great essays shorter than 500. There was someone who once got into Yale w/ a 73 word supplement. But overall, i wouldn't say length doesn't matter, you just have to know your writing style and do so accordingly, for some people and some essays, there are such things as essays being too short.

AS for your actual question, the common app is almost always more important. Keep in mind lots of execllent schools like Dartmouth and Wash U St.Louis don't even have supp essays and alot like Duke and Penn have optional ones, and really those questions asking you why you want to come to a school aren't as important as you might think, i have given people advice to be very specific on this website dealing w/ those essays but in reality, it plays very little role unless your truely a borderline candidate, fact is, for 99% of you it won't be a deciding factor at all in determining whether or not you get into a school. That's why Early Decision is also overrated, those stats they show of higher acceptance rates ED are due to a much more competitve applicant pool.

But that's just my two cents, i don't want to pretend like im any kind of expert, thats just the sense ive gotten from resarching schools i like and seeing hte type of kids who get in and dont, for some schools like brown, i could be completely wrong.
srandhawa   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "marching band camp" An essay of how I spent my summers [4]

considering the time you spent reading my essay, i had to read this one for you. thanks. anyway, my advice to you is focus on one activity from each summer, by listing so many you never get to the reflective level which is what you need. Focus on one activity you like, reflect, and make it the focus of your essay and show how it changed you if thats applicable. You have some ideas to work with, and also i'd leave a little more room for a concluding paragraph so you could write more if space is an issue. Try to come up with a more profound, stronger conclusion, it just seems to be stating the obvious. Good luck.
srandhawa   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "I love all things physics" - Stanford-Intellectual Vitality Essay [3]

first off, mentioning something as cliche esque is never a good idea, you know its a cliche and it really doesn't enhance your essay by adding it, i'd just scratch that. but as for the rest of the essay, i dont get your idea of religoius significance, hows the differences in physics religious? I dont really get that, what i think the best part of your essay is the last couple of lines, thats really something i like, and i think perhaps if you focus your thesis around that and build around that, then you might have a really, really powerful essay. This is def. a good start, but i think you can focus your essay more on the ending and less on the examples you cite in part 2, they don't really tie in with the paragraph that follows. If you get a chance, you think you could read my essay? Thanks good luck.
srandhawa   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / MIT Pleasure Essay - Rubik's Cube [7]

i dont know if this is a particuarly unique topic, but i cant really downgrade you on that, only an adcom will determine how interesting it is. I'm not applying to MIT but i have a question, why not do something not math related? Thousands and thousands are going to talk about math related activities such as these and really since there's no way of talking about math intracies in 100 words, i don't know if that's such a great idea. But if you can get across your math passions in other parts of your essays, this would be an interesting time to get across something not math related, that would be a unique type of well balanced thing for you to have. Just my 2 cents, i could be completely wrong, maybe thats a bad idea for MIT, but i will say don't leave this cliffhanger of math intracy, either don't mention it or focus more of your brief 100 words your alloted on it because it just seems like an empty statement that seems like a failed attempt to impress ad coms. Good luck.
srandhawa   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "a homeless woman" - Common App Short Answer :) [9]

hmmmm this is too long first off, the common app says 150 words or less, thats what you should stick with, all you do is risk irking ad coms by not following a clear guidline. The question i have though is whats unqiue about this story? it seems like you gave money to a needy women and hopefully that money will help her survive the winter. Ok, that happens alot, hows that really unique? If your going to use a story like that, then at least come up w/ some strong, powerful closing lines to make this seem like a truely significant and special event, you don't do that, but more than that, is this really the siginifcant event you want yo show colleges? Did it really have a profound impact on you and does it really make you stand out in anyway? If you think the answers to both those questions are yes, i would say make the profound impact it had on you and the impact of hte story come across because i don't really see it and emphasize why this was so unique and not like any other stories like this that happen all the time as far as you are concerned. Good luck.
srandhawa   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Any environment that is particularly significant to you my Willliams supplement! [17]

this is creative, but as a reader, i dont know what to make of it. Your last like is the first one where you jump to any real kind of conclusions, if i were you i would try relating myself as i am right now to those kids, and what that relationship and the significance of the meaning of being like those kids was. Also, if you are looking for more space i would get rid of the paragraph about adults, i think you do a good enough job of getting your point across w/ the prevous para, i dont think the adult one does alot to enhance the essay. Still, your on the right track, this is a unique prompt so it is harder to make judgement on what an answer should say like for ex. school supplements should say why you want to go to that school w/ specific characteristics of the school, there isn't really any preedent like that, but i still think it has to be about you and how this story relates to you and possibly your development. IF you get a chance, could you look at my essay? Thanks alot, good luck.
srandhawa   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

thanks the consensus i've been getting amongst my english teachers who read this was that the light idea was confusing, the intro was very confusing especially and it made the overall essay far more confusing. I don't want to spend too much text w/ describing the light itself, i want the reader to kind of witness it, and yeah i do see the problem i have, i have abstract words but in my case they may be necessary, even those who said my essay was confusing admitted that, but it still gives off a confusing, awkward vibe. Any other thoughts? Thanks alot everybody.
srandhawa   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / to study journalism - Northwestern Supplement [7]

i like the last line in your essay but other than that you leave something to be desired, this could be a much more powerful essay, as it is right now, its passive, it doesn't really engage, it doesn't grab my interest at the beginning and thorughout the essay im not particuarly intriguied. This isn't bad, but its like most of the other essays that northwestern will get for supplments. What you have as an advantage is the desire to go to nw, you know your stuff, you know what the school is about, and that's half the battle w/ these supplements, so what you gotta do now is focus those interests on the school, make it specific, and make it powerful, make it really seem like you are a fit for the school and use something to grab their attention at the beginning.
srandhawa   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "the Global Citizens Project" - describe extracurricular or personal activities [4]

you don't need to spend the second half of the essay talking about the goal of your club, talk about you, how it changed you, your thought process, thats what colleges want and your taking up valuable space in a 150 word essay doing this. AS it is right now, there isn't a lot an adcom can see about you and while this isn't bad, you want to show more about you and possibly devleop this as much as possible for a 150 word essay.
srandhawa   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

i dont know if i felt a sense of power in step 3, more i just realized what i truely had and what science was and that helped me get significant findings? Make sense, or is that part of what power is? Any ideas for suggesting how science doesn't have light, i was thinking in my intro just being like; i always saw light in all my subjects, so i started to look for it in science when i did my research, and not make it seem like a mystery as to why it wasn't there, rather finding out where it was. Sound like a good plan? I think that might simplify things.

so im sensing that the idea of how this changes me and how i felt power really needs to be hammered out. The only problem as i mentioned above it is its hard to describe concretely, thats prob why i used so much abstract and empty langague. Tranquilty itself isnt some like measurable thing, you kind of have to describe it and when you do that you tend to come up w/ empty statements. so is there a way of getting around this, showing this tranquility more concretely? know what i mean?

Also i want to clarify this; do you understand what my idea of light was in the last sentence in para 7 which you highlighted, the one about prosperity and staring at it and seeing it? Or is that just too vague and do you have any ideas how i can use that in my essay for this development we want?

i do see what you said, i didn't really go too hard in checking hte strucutre vocab and grammar type stuff, so thats part of the reason why the word choice here is awful and really makes it harder for you to understand what im saying. sorry about that.

zenith vs. apex: i basically trying to say the same thing, that your reaching science at its peak, your subject or whatever your studying and doing at its peak. subject just means science or what im investigating in the lab, usually the later but it depends on the context in this essay.

one more thing when you say you like my evolution and thought does that just mean the idea that being passive and paralyzed is what i gained from this ex after trying to seek relationships? Because my development obviously needs work, so im just a little confused, whats good, what can we work w/ here because i dont want to complelely scratch whats good and what makes this essay when i redevelop things.

ps; never worry about being too harsh, after all your probably never going to meet me, we're just two people talking on the internet so i really dont take any of this personally. Even if somebody says your being too hard, that should just want you to be even harder, a person like me gains nothing from somebody just padding hteir essay with complements. that's what happened for my early decision essay and it was just god awful, probably the reason i got rejected. It was a hundred times worse than this one if thats even possible. so thats why i really appreciate this kind of insight, thanks a lot
srandhawa   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app short answer - research internship at a hospital [3]

this is definitely not descriptive enough, i don't really see the need for creativity. in other words, why was this your short essay for hte common app activity if you already mentioned in other parts of your resume in detail? I know i did lots of research as well and some of the schools i applied to like Duke and Northwestern give the choice to describe your research. When I did that i just stuck the facts, they don't know anything about what you did and they def. will not give you the benefit of hte doubt, you have to clearly describe what you did, all you did, who you did it with, your purpose, what you found, etc. And also give something about what the future holds and where you think you might go next. This is the one type of essay where you can be as bland as possible, not the common app describing your activites, but describing research separatlely which i would recommend you just submit in the extra info session as part of your resume. It can't hurt you. AS your essay is right now, they're going to have way more questions than answers and this won't really enhance your application, even if you did some really significant work.
srandhawa   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

thanks i see what you mean, lots of empty statements, so you think the whole idea of light just isn't a good idea, or could that be just because you said you generally don't like these philosophical type discussions and maybe the people who read this won't think anywhere close to that? But are you saying i should structure my essay about knowledge from ignorance and power from submission and use my examples to build around those themes? Sounds like a decent idea, just don't know what kind of examples i'm going to use to help prove that. Part of hte idea of gaining is thorugh tranquility, allowing science to come to you, part of it isn't i didn't do anything special, it was just accepting the unknown which was diff. yes, but that's one of those things where i dont see how you can really use examples to convey that. Those empty statements you metnioned, and i do agree many of them are empty, were my examples, because frankly i dont know how you portray tranquility in real life? Any thoughts or suggestsions? thanks alot for this advice though monkey66 really apppreciate this real, constructive criticism, means alot.
srandhawa   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

thanks alot, but what do you really mean by pseudo deep? i understand what the phrase means, but i dont really get what your applying it to here? Also, my point was that by allowing myself to be paralyzed i gained the most, in essence that was naievety, not knowing and allowing the unknown to control, but do you think i should expand on that because obviously it doesn't seem very clear?
srandhawa   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "Carnegie Mellon? What? Mellon like a watermelon?"; MAJOR & WHY CMU? [6]

i can see you tried to catch the readers attention w/ an anecdote, but unfortunately, i dont think its going to work to well on adcoms. They've probably heard of that one alot, don't mean to be mean and it is diff. becaue you are from canada and its much harder to get a grasp on american colleges and whos who and whats what, but i'd stray away from that anecdote. But in general, your essay is far too vague, you say the schools you apply to are unlike any other. How? You mention the phrase carnegie mellons strengths? What are they? This is a must, you have to talk about the schools strengths at a specific level, not just oh its good, nationally ranked, provides opportunities, will help me understand technology, none of that. Give ex. of specific programs in the teppard school of business for ex. That would be a start. Also, you talk about your love for technology but you gotta give something specific. This is something you could use in your intro instead of the anecdote. I also don't feel the conclusion adds anything too the essay, its too broad and it just doesnt seem to have a purpose. and one last thing, its pittsburgh not pittsburg and im from pittsburgh and it hardly what you'd classify as a big city. Small detail yes, but its the type of thing that doesn't come across well in an essay or make you look like you did your research. Again, i dont want to come across as a jerk, you just need to focus and ask yourself why you really want to come to cmu, not just because of how great a school it is, and let that passion flow thorugh the essay.
srandhawa   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Brown: comparison with heaven; I need inspirations [5]

i really like how you avoided the general cliches people use in supplemental essays about a school and how you openly acknowledge them. This is good but i dont think you need the last two sentences of the third para and the last setnence should relate to brown and its characteristics in some way. In a way, you could just say this about any school, in the short space, put a thing or two about how this ideal image can be satisfied by brown and what it has to offer, not something that can be universally applied anywhere.

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