Posts by srandhawa

srandhawa

Dec 22, 2009

Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

wow twizzlestraw, even though what you said was pretty basic, it made so much sense, you did give me a much better idea of how to cut out ideas, thanks alot, amazing how sometimes you spend so long looking for a way to do things and it takes someone else so much less time yet they come up with a much better answer than you do. Did you specifically like my idea of hte desolation and the fan? I will def. look at yours, just give me a little time. Thanks

srandhawa

Dec 22, 2009

Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

thanks alot for clearing it up, i agree w/ you sportybluei but i do think some of this kind of language is necessary, its the power of words like paralysis and spontaneous and tranquility that kind of give the essay its distinctiveness. I especially feel tranquility is needed and i dont know how else to express paralysis and spontaneous. Would you agree? External forces, latent, apex of, prosperity, thats all easy to remove though. I actually felt the para you highlighted was my best in the essay, are you saying that the sentences are too long or are they too short. You seemed to contradict yourself a little(or i could have misinterpreted), you liked the concise, but said i needed more complex sentences? As a side note, did my idea of light in that last sentence of para 7 make sense?

My number one concern though is that some of this essay kind of requires abstract langauge in my mind because of the theme of relating to something greater and allowing other greater forces to take over. That in itself is kind of abstract, so the main question to you is are you just against the words tranquility, paralyze and spontaneous in general or is it something specific w/ the essay? Because i like those word choices personally.

srandhawa

Dec 22, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: Fictional Character... Dreams Are My Nuts and Bolts!! [15]

sorry if you were waiting on me to reply to your post, but anyway, first off let me say this is a plus that your highlighting your accomplishments in your essay, you are after advertising yourself to admissions officers whether you like it or not. This as a whole is unique, but your conclusion leaves me wanting more. How did this make you join extra clubs, that is significant, it is relating what your doing to something greater in your everday life, i dont know how much you can add, but try something. You talk about santiago and dreams in your introduction, and i agree w/ you that your starting point is interesting, but so much as it could be in comparison to as it is right now, you talk about how santiago and his idea of dreams changed you, but after reading this essay, im still confused on just how it happened. You seem to be leaving gaps in your development w/ regards to this. The first half of hte essay is just talk if you dont back it up w/ how santiago changed you and your idea of dreams keeping people awake is also a cliffhanger, again, thats a good idea, expand on it a little which you might have done w/ the next paragraph, but make it clearer if thats the case.

srandhawa

Dec 22, 2009

Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

thanks what do you mean by more complex sentences? I've never heard anybody say i need more complex sentences, less complex if anything, but that is interesting. Also, what do you mean by abstract vocab being too flowery, you talking about words like paralysis, tranquility, spontaneous, or do you mean phrases like latent external force and framed mindset and apex of science?

srandhawa

Dec 22, 2009

Essays / Secondary School Report or Final Report?/ Preparing for Uni Entrance [4]

agree w/ advice as above, 10th grade recommendations are always a bit iffy because of how long ago they had you, if your going to do it, make sure you have a special relationship w/ your teacher, something that goes beyond the classroom, maybe w/ one of your extra cirriculars, that would be great. And if you do have them write you one, and really theres no harm in doing it, make sure you have reliable soruces for 11th and 12th grade, in others words, dont rely on the 10th grade one to be your best one and do the big work and have the greatest impact, view it more as a supplement, hope that helps.

srandhawa

Dec 22, 2009

Undergraduate / "My second family" - Northwestern Supplement Essay [5]

i agree with DrAculEx, while this is a nicely written essay and i like the theme, this is a supplement asking you why you want to go to the college, if your going to focus alot on your story like you do, you better also give some real concrete, specific reasons that you want to go to northwestern. Use details, make this so this isn't an essay that can just be used for any other school which is the fault of most supplement essays. Target northwestern, target the school of arts and sciences, its huge, theres something specific you have to like. Good luck, im applying there also, if you get a chance, could you read my common app essay. Thanks alot

srandhawa

Dec 22, 2009

Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

i didnt realize i used hapless three times, thanks for pointing it out, it is one of my favorite words though, so yeah its sometimes easy to get stuck w/ it, i will check yours out, any suggestions for making it shorter?

srandhawa

Dec 22, 2009

Undergraduate / UPenn Teacher's Autobiography '...with a loud bang, I toppled a pile of books' [5]

I liked the development of this essay alot until the last paragraph. It is unique, I also wrote something about my future rather than my past which i thought was a unique idea not many would do(guess not), but the essay just ends too quickly, and most importantly you don't take full advantage of the most important part of a college admissions essay: the reflective part. Don't get me wrong, this is still a good essay, but i feel like you can come up with something stronger than your concluding statement about being a teacher who has done something right, my advice would be if you are going to use this line, try elaborating with a couple more lines about how you influenced the kids, about how you the individual not your lesson plan but you the individual influenced them. While this is well written, it doesn't tell much about you the individual, nor does it highlight your accomplishments which is always an added plus in an admissions essay, while adcoms will really appreciate the creativity of this, i feel like they will have a hard time of what to make of it. You can give them more direction in this by reflecting more about yourself, your development, one event in twenty years doesn't suddenly make you a respectable teacher, broaden the essay a little.

That's just my advice, alot of it hinges on how you go when you try it, you may find when you do this it doesn't flow or if it takes away from your creative voice, then don't fiddle too much with it, i just feel like you can do more to help you in terms of relating to an admissions officer by going through your thought process a little more and reflecting a little more on your changes in the limited space you have. If you get a chance, could you check my common app essay out, thanks alot

srandhawa

Dec 22, 2009

Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

hows everybody doing, i know this is kind of late to be asking for common app help, but two things concern me 1. does this essay make sense and is it something unique and lasting or another clique on the light theme 2. length, i know 1000 words is too long for a common app essay, im trying to cut from 1400 to 800, im a litle stuck right now. Thanks so much in advance, all comments of any kind greatly appreciated.

TOPIC OF YOUR CHOICE 1,027 words

When I looked up, I had always seen a light. A sense of hope, spontaneity, an understanding of what you're doing is real. But where was that light in science? More importantly, what was its nature? I had no answers. I was hapless.

The sheer awe immersed my mind when I first saw a BK virus infected kidney. The kind of "yellowish hapless" pale engulfing the kidneys was the type of color that seemed implausible in the real world. The gashing veins and the soft tissue complexes seemed to be telling a story far beyond that of an autopsy. But what? I was simply too intimidated to progress any further.

Fast forward two and a half years to when I did lab work attempting to inhibit growth of BK virus through various drugs. I was now a junior, so much more "mature", "experienced", "eyes much more open to what reality has to offer". Hyperbole? Perhaps, but I was convinced my differences would lead to change. This time, I had a much greater background to work with. I was able to grasp the workings of the ATP-ase domain and I understood the work of the drugs that attempt to destroy them. I was no longer oblivious to the subtleties of the DNA language. I aggressively sought answers to what had gnawed at me.

I now felt a new sense of power. Not only had I become immersed in my subject, I realized the voice each drug provided. I felt the ability to relate biology to reality. I never doubted my control. Not only did I just scrutinize every drug, I was putting things comprehensibly together. I didn't just follow a set of directions when I operated the centrifuge; I was now directing the centrifuge. I learned the intricacies behind those answers. Finally, at the age of 17, it seemed like I was capable of realizing the depth of infinite possibilities. This was science coming together in different elements. When professors talked about scientists such as Albert Einstein or Charles Darwin achieving science at its true "zenith", this is what they meant. Of course I was not tweaking with quantum mechanics or battling religious groups about the presence of evolution, but I was achieving something far greater than a set of results. The lens through which I saw things was clearer. I was curious. I was a scientist. This must have been the light shining.

But how mistaken I was. The abject disappointment soon set in. When I truly analyzed the results, looked for the subtleties in the sought relationships, I became consumed by this very same BK virus. Nothing made sense. The variables, not possibilities, were infinite. How much was too much dilution factor? How many cycles on the centrifuge were too many? Something was seriously lacking. How arrogant I could have been for thinking this "zenith" was so rudimentary when it had gnawed at phenomenal minds before me? I knew better, I was "raised" better than this throughout my experience with lab work, but the allure of science had duped me. I wasn't any kind of scientist. I wasn't just hapless, I was paralyzed.

The aftermath was stark. The next month lacked a fire. I lost the ability to be surprised by anything. My work lacked cohesiveness. It reminded me of when I was in my native land, surrounded by filth with a dreary, timeless fan doing nothing to ease the heat, yet showing some form of elusive promise on top of me. I felt the same desolation.

However, I stuck to form; I was too engrossed to just leave my subject even without the shock. I still stayed in the lab for many hours analyzing through every set of data, the linear regressions, the t-values, the residuals, none of it ever left me. I was still fazed and adapted, but I retained the thought that the light never ceased to exist. However, rather than me trying to find it, I gave it the chance to find me.

As I continued to work, a latent external force seemed to pick up and guide me: tranquility. I was oblivious to it for a while, and its effects were gradual, but this calm that came from my empirical work soon took over. It wasn't a satisfaction but it can't be fully translated. However, in this state, I wasn't seeking relationships between different forms of science; rather I allowed them to engulf me. I was at ease, I was accepting; I was accepted. I let the forms around me dictate what happened. I wasn't waiting. I allowed myself to be paralyzed by the unknown in the results. I still sought to eradicate its existence, but for the first time in my life, I felt the unknown. I didn't just acknowledge it; I felt its harmony, rhythm and ambiguity. This was science. This was the light; it wasn't a form of hope like it had been before, rather a wave of harmony that comes from grimacing right at it and seeing all the rays burst out in all directions and knowing there is a form of prosperity staring at you all the time.

Finally, things changed. Those variables suddenly ceased to exist. Things started co-existing. Finally, my results were tangible and could lead to something really significant. The idea of zenith was superficial, we create the apex in science, not the subject, but the calming presence told me all I needed. The truest bliss was with me this whole time; it just needed its natural environment to be revealed.

It would be a mistake to look at this as a significant moment that changed me. That is creating a limit, destroying the spontaneity. Rather, this spontaneity must begin to now lead me.

In many ways, a framed mindset, even a hypothesis, can be dangerous. It tries to create a message behind curiosity and thought. It tries to limit naivety; perhaps my greatest asset. The ability to concede with this paralysis, to keep the unknown alive in me has been my proudest accomplishment. I have let that light I know keep shining; its presence even when clouded is nature's greatest purity.

srandhawa

Dec 22, 2009

Undergraduate / Brown essay; why drawn to the academic fields you indicated [3]

obviously this is a very hard essay to do w/ 1000 characters(by the way im applying to brown also, are you sure its 1000 characters). I dont like the last sentence in the first para, the beginning to a long journey, too cliche esque and since you cant really elaborate on it in such a short space, i dont think you really need that sentence. What i think you should focus more of your attention on(relatively speaking for a 1000 character essay) is your idea of communicating human emotions through literature, that is the thing that jumped out the most at me when i read this essay, and that something unique and ties to your opening sentence. That also a perfect direct answer to the question, so it allows you to focus much of your space on this. Good luck,

srandhawa

Dec 22, 2009

Undergraduate / Tufts self identity - Ke$ha and Bushido! [12]

i think your trying too hard, it doesnt come off as natural language which is a no-no w/ adcoms. I think your intro is overdoing it also, this is too short of an essay for you to really make such an intro you can later make a reference to, your obviously a talented writer, but i know it sounds weird saying this, your trying too hard to stand out, to be unconventional. The question is rather light hearted, and your response is anything but in the beginning, you move a little towards this as the essay develop but the opening image doesnt send off a particuarly light hearted vibe at all.

srandhawa

Oct 31, 2009

Undergraduate / UMich Setback: Freshman year grades [4]

i dont like the topic of this essay, its usually best to write about something that is relatively recent and colleges can see your transcript and your rebound and understand alot about you, i wouldn't dedicate a whole essay to how you improved, i would rather just write about other personalities and other character traits and these will show themselves in your improved grades. Also, this is very typical essay, lots of kids are going to say they got bad grades but then with focus, passion and hard work improved them and realized something along the lines that today is the last day of their lives, theres nothing that stands out about this essay, and the conclusiosn you make are nothing special either. I know the essay is due very soon so you might not have enough time to completely redo the essay, and in that case I would just redoe the conclusions and stuff i learned off this incident. I do like the first para though, if you decide to stick with this essay, youre not in as bad shape as im making it out to be, but you def. want to change somethings.

srandhawa

Oct 31, 2009

Undergraduate / Infinities of Chess, 150 word common application short answer. [10]

this is better, i like the concluding statement, you can't really tie yourself that much in a 150 word essay, but this is good. IF you could, I would love it if you took a look at my Duke supplemental. Also, dont worry that much about word count, there are great essays that are 200 words, and there are horrible ones that are 1000 words, I even read a book with an essay that was 73 words and that kid was accepted into yale. if you are in the 250-600 word range you should be fine. Ad coms have to more through applications so don't put more than you need, your 750 is prob a bit too much.

srandhawa

Oct 31, 2009

Undergraduate / Duke Supplemental (the stimulants of mind) [4]

Any feedback or critcism of this supplemental essay for Duke is greatly appreciated. Thanks alot in advance.
Prompt: Why do you consider Duke University a good fit for you?

As I sat in the Duke Focus Program Class, the stimulants of mind usually ignored were ignited. This ultimately opened up dynamics of a world through a different lens that allowed for far greater fodder for thought.

As I sat in Dr. Jiyong Yong's organic chemistry class, I was introduced to unique perspectives of problems that extended my thought process to something far greater than I had ever been accustomed to.

As I took my tour around the campus, I saw a school with rare outlets of opportunities for many of my passions from enjoying sports and in particular basketball, to debate, to scientific research. These are areas which Duke is truly unmatched by the rest of the country. But more important is the message conveyed through these possibilities. Duke is a school that allows for me the individual to be created. It is an institution that prospers economic thought which is something I have a life long goal of pursuing to its greatest existence. But at the same time, I saw a culture united under the same divine intervention of a University. This was a culture with tremendous faith in this divinity and faith in a certain divinity is an important principle to me which I adhere to. Ultimately, the combination of everything I was exposed to is something that truly will allow me to reach depths far greater that I can only imagine and the path to comprehending these oppurtunities will be most fruitful through Duke University.

srandhawa

Oct 30, 2009

Undergraduate / U of M: describe your interests and aspirations in engineering. [12]

to be brutally honest, outside of your discussion of nanotech in the last para which doesn't last very long, this isn't that powerful an essay. Still, its not bad by any stretch, its actually pretty solid so I don't want to sound too harsh, but you don't jump to many conclusions, and your ending isn't particuarly moving. I personally think the quoet at the end failed, general rule is if you end or start with quotes, they better be pretty powerful and this isn't a special quote by any means. Your introduction wasn't particularly capitvating either, I know you gave a list of things you did, maybe a particular anecdote would serve you better. One thing I did really like about your essay was the last two lines of the second to last para, thats the type of thing you want to build around which i think you do to some extent. Overall, pretty solid, just take a look at some of the stuff I said and see if you can incorporate it, im applying to umich also, if you get a chance, it would be great if you took a look at my essays and told me which you think i should use for the common app. Thanks alot

srandhawa

Oct 30, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: "Why I Shouldn't Go To College" [10]

this is a good essay, the conclusion is especially capitvating and you make good conclusions and provide insights about yourself and how you think. Thats what you want, my biggest advice; shorten this. Common app, while not explicitly stated, should not exceed 500 words on most occurences, and this isn't just me speaking, councelors have told me and this is what Princeston Review says as well. An 824 word essay is really going to turn off ad coms unless it is truely outstanding and you can never tell what htey think and they are very likely to skim secitons of such a long essay as well. Still, if you are turning this essay in by 11-1, I don't know if theres a whole lot you can change, you don't want to lose your voice or focus by cutting out half your essay, just something to think about next time you write one of these essays.

srandhawa

Oct 30, 2009

Undergraduate / Infinities of Chess, 150 word common application short answer. [10]

the infinities is more overdone than you might think, i know when i first came up with it in one of my essays, i thought it was really unique, but its not, lots of people use it, almost to hte point of cliche. That said, I don't think you necessairly have to remove it, alot of people use it in the wrong purposes which hurts it but I think your context is fine. This is a solid essay the more I read through it, i just think you could use a little more captivating conclusion, but more importantly, tie yourself more into this essay, thats probably the biggest piece of advice i can give you, ad coms have probably heard lots of interpretations of chess before, but as for how chess affects you, thats something only you can provide them. Still, this def. is not a bad essay by any stretch, if you get a chance you could you take a look at my post and tell me which of my essays you like best? thanks alot

srandhawa

Oct 30, 2009

Undergraduate / First Cut / Sister's eating disorder - U of M Essay [13]

You choose a good topic, you have some good descriptions, I just think you could work a little bit more on your conclusions. You definitlely make them, but there is also some passive, weak writing in this essay as well. I'll give you three examples, two of what you don't want to do and one of where you do a good job 1. I can think of no better purpose for my own body than for it to be sent to a human anatomy lab where a nervous medical student, scalpel in hand, will make a life-changing first cut. This is excellent, its vivid and its a diff. perspective on something a lot of kids will talk about in their essays in terms of wanting to pursue medicine. However, the ending "I learned to think outside the box. When things as important as this can be considered from something that appears so scientific, I know that the medical field is the area for me" is not how you want to leave the writing. You don't state anything particuarly meaningful here, and you use hte cliche thinking outside the box. DO NOT USE THESE KIND OF CLICHES. Even if the rest of your essay is strong, this is the kind of sentence that will make up a large part of an ad coms impressio nof you. Here's the third quote, "I know that I could get more out of life by going into a career where I would be taking care of other's lives". Not much wrong with the writing here, but a little more interpretation, reflection, analsyis, whatever you call it would serve you well. This is a big theme of your essay, and not only do you get away from it in your conclusion, as a whole, you don't go as much into this as you probably should. I agree with the moderator that you should look to cut out lots of details up front to shorten this essay, ask yourself is everything truely necessary, but a little bit more in the things i mentioned and a general revision and i think you will be in good shape, much better than you probably think. I have 3 michigan essays im turnign as well tom. if you could get a chance and look at them, it would be great, thanks alot.

srandhawa

Oct 30, 2009

Undergraduate / "trip to the Gurdwara" - University of Michigan Diversity Essay [10]

if im looking to cut something out of the first essay to fit length constraints, what should it be? ONe essay has to be cut down 30-40 words, and I want to use parts of this for teh common app 150 word description essay. Thanks alot

srandhawa

Oct 30, 2009

Undergraduate / My World and Background + My Favorite Personal Quality --- UC Essay! [10]

i agree you are a solid writer, thing i would say is come to better conclusions, you make tehse essays personal and reflect, but your conclusions leave a little to be desired, try to get a message a little deeper and more significant across in this conclusion, leave the reader with a strong impression. Other than that, I agree with the moderator, just refine your stuff and you should be good.

srandhawa

Oct 30, 2009

Undergraduate / Why Columbia? stunning level of involvement around the campus [4]

your last sentence isnt gramatically correct first off, you dont actually finish the sentence correctly. I like the fact that its short, but if you have this kind of short essay you better have a powerful anecdote or message, I don't see that. I see solid writing, I just think you need to elaborate a little more, talk a little about your characteristics and give something more descriptive about Columbia, you could say a lot of schools have a rigorous ciricculum. I'm not applying to Columbia so I don't know much about the school, but for Duke, I'm talking about the culture created there by sports, and teh various clubs and activities duke is famous for and the overall passion and vibe in the community. Give something more specific to Columbia, for ex how its in the middle of Manhattan if that appeals to you, and create something a little moving. Still, this is overall solid writing that just needs a little more pop. I have three essays I'm about to submit, if you get a chance, I would love to hear any feedback from you, whatever you have to say, thanks alot.

srandhawa

Oct 30, 2009

Undergraduate / "trip to the Gurdwara" - University of Michigan Diversity Essay [10]

thanks alot any other comments I'll probably be submitting both these essays and my dorian gray essay tom. I'm going to extend my biology essay little bit and use it for the common app. Any last thoughts? Feel free anybody to mention any comments or critiques you have. Thanks Alot

srandhawa

Oct 30, 2009

Undergraduate / Test Your Memory Survey (UNC Research essay) [4]

I'm going to be honest with you because that's what you want: this really isn't an essay. There is no voice, you're just describing an idea, THE MOST IMPORTANT PART TO THIS QUESTION IS WHY? What you do isn't as important although you should also make this decription more personal, in depth while maintaing a voice as a writer, don't just write down a description. But more importnatly you answer the entire prompt basically in one sentence I believe this idea has a significantly larger potential than what can be delivered through a limited effort school project. This essay basically gives no insight as to whom you are as a person, and how you think even if you mention your experiment in such detail. Again WHY, WHY,WHy! That's the most important thing you absolutly must dedicate this essay to, you can describe your research in other parts of your application. Don't mean to be too harsh, I don't want to sound like a jerk, but remember colleg essay writing like this isn't the conventional writing, you have to reveal some inner qualities and characteristics about you, your voice must come thorugh and the best way to see this is to read good essays that do this, you can tell it when you see it.

srandhawa

Oct 29, 2009

Undergraduate / My Unusual Experience at the Hospital - Univesity of Florida Essay [3]

I don't want to sound harsh, this definitely isn't a bad esssay, but there's nothing about this essay that stands out. Not the story being told, not the conclusions behing told, you got to come with a truer, deeper story with more interesting details and more importantly, you got to make deeper, more in depth conclusions. HEre's your conclusion "This event showed me that the actions of one group of individuals can impact another individual's life immensely. I now seek to be a positive influence on the life's of those around me as the nurses and doctors were to me; and would like to continue this desire in the community of the University of Florida". This is weak, frankly, not only is this generic and could be applied to numerous scenarios, you tie nothing into the University of Florida which is a huge school and has lots of diversity and oppurtunites, you're missing a great oppurtunity by not mentioning much about the school. Again, I'm not trying to go over the top, again its not a bad essay, just not one that will do much to enhance your chances to get in as it stands right now.

srandhawa

Oct 29, 2009

Undergraduate / Biology, "mock trial" - University of Michigan Essay [15]

Here is my updated version of the essay. It isn't that radically different, but I tried to have a more defiend thesis and get rid of that horrible, pompus word choice. I didn't get the comment about the whats wrong with "inhibiting growth of BK virus", that was a phrase used a hundred times by lab assistants and many others associated with the lab. But anyway, see if this is any better, thanks alot.

SEE ABOVE

srandhawa

Oct 29, 2009

Undergraduate / Biology, "mock trial" - University of Michigan Essay [15]

also my idea is that im still lost at what ive seen and am curious to find answers, should this be my thesis? Wouldn't it make the entire opening with reference to how I was earlier irrelevant? Is that a good thing, did this intro have any purpose or did it just almost dilute the essays meaning? Is my attempt to try the opening line to the concluding one with regards to curiosity a successful one, or is just painful for the reader? Also do phrases like "I was immersed in my subject; every drug provided a powerful opportunity, a voice that I refused to ignore." and "My determination was bounded by a suppression to not just learn, but to want" sound artificial or they do a good job showing my voice and what I thought? thanks alot

srandhawa

Oct 29, 2009

Undergraduate / "trip to the Gurdwara" - University of Michigan Diversity Essay [10]

Gazala Raza thanks alot for the advice, that is actually something I did mention in my rough draft, but I took it out due to a lack of space. The problem of space remains, I definitely want to talk about my experiences in the Sikh Youth Symposium, there just isn't the room too do all of this, its suppose to be aprox 250 words. What does everybody think of my intro? Is it powerful, or does it do the exact opposite, turn the reader off and prove to be irrelevant. I absolutely agree with you on the verbose comment, I def. will work on that, thanks alot. My only question is what is considered too verbose, words like prosperity, awe and superficiality? These don't seem like extreme words, I def. didn't look these up in a dictionary and put them, I felt like they did convey the messages I was trying to get across. Any suggestions anybody on what I could use instead, or what type of connotation I might be looking for? I also have a Dorian Gray essay without any comments, any comments are welcome there, I feel like that's my weakest essay. Thank you so much everybody.

srandhawa

Oct 29, 2009

Undergraduate / Biology, "mock trial" - University of Michigan Essay [15]

thanks alot for the advice i agree about the words only question i have is if i change the words to easier words do i still need to redo the entire thing? Some of these words werent my own doing, I def wasnt confident with all of them which is a big no-no thanks alot for pointing this out.

srandhawa

Oct 29, 2009

Book Reports / Michigan Dorian Gray Essay [NEW]

This is the last of the three essays I have to turn in for the Michigan prompt, and I will use one of them for the common app also. Anyway, thanks in advance all comments are greatly appreciated, I know there will be parts of this essay which won't make any sense, but I don't know entirely know which ones are and which ones aren't, so if you could not what doesn't make sense, that would be great. I know this essay is pretty bad, my other two essays got bad feedback and I felt they were far better so I don't have a good feeling about this one.

C] Tell us about a book you have read that you
found especially challenging, stimulating, or
provocative. Explain why it made an impact on
you.

It was staring right in front of me for all these years, yet I remained so oblivious to its presence. To me, aesthetic value was a subjective interpretation full of fallacies and paradoxes. It didn't have any true meaning, it was superficial, and it didn't define character. But the Moving Picture of Dorian Gray by Oliver Wilde revolutionized everything I thought was common sense.

Much of this classic is predicated on this "superficial" nature of beauty, as Dorian Gray pursues depths of freedom and prominence, a certain green light one might call it. In the process, he loses all sense of morals that had defined him for so long. He is the perpetrator of scurrilous offenses; he is a typical tyrant of the power he wields as an upper class member in society. Dorian Gray became embedded within this culture of deceit, superficiality, one guided by instinctive outlooks. Ultimately, the "purity of face" was what transpired him from afterthought to phenomenon, gaining him a spot amongst the aristocrat's elite despite his repugnance.

This purity of face really ignited my interest. Lady Narborough said it best with "You look so good; you are made to be good". Never before had I considered the "purity" of a face. When I thought aesthetics, I thought clothing, hair, even accessories of a face, but purity? Seemed imaginary, quite superficial in its own right. I had always before closed my mind to any thought that a face could carry so much weight; I always assumed aesthetics would lose out to true form of character. My rigid morality never even allowed me to explore the mindset of others. But this book provided me a novel's worth of different interpretations, it was this "purity" that remained so provocative.

Oliver Wilden opened up a whole new world to me, one not bounded by intellectual thought, but by the senses and stimulants controlling our mind. Seeing the story from the eyes of the protagonist, the possessor of the innocent "purity" gave me a far different perspective to analyze its nuances from. Mundane objects became animate; this unknown medium suddenly had meaning through the perspective of this protagonist. To Dorian Gray, the world was governed by laws of ideology, prosperity and harmony, quite the contrary from my views of governance through pragmatism and intellectual thought. The openmindness I was relayed is a virtue of true essence, not necessarily resisting ideas, but attempting to uncover the dynamics of a different world through a different lens is a ideal that allows for far greater fodder for though that I could have ever created.

srandhawa

Oct 28, 2009

Undergraduate / Biology, "mock trial" - University of Michigan Essay [15]

what do you mean by gaps in the piece piece where you were thinking about something but didn't write it down. This sounds like good advice, I'm just having trouble understanding what you mean and how i can improve it. Also, i feel like making step by step would take away from the idea of curioisty due to the word limit, i dont know what to do, i feel like making it step by step would completely change everything? Is it that bad where I should do that? I don't know if everything I'm doing is completely wrong or if I'm on the right track, if its just minor tweaks or if everything is completely wrong and should be started from scratch. Any of the EFs do you think I'm trying to hard, it seems like other people have more basic, more settled down essays and theyre getting good feedback, am i just trying to do too much and making this essay try to do too much or come across as something it cant be? Somebody help me please, I am starting to get a little scared, I put alot into the essays and the deadlines are coming up and its not looking good so far.

srandhawa

Oct 28, 2009

Undergraduate / "Raised in a privileged community" - University of Michigan - Diversity essay [4]

looks like we're applying to the same school, you can check out what i wrote for this prompt with the indian word gurdwara in it. you also trying to get that application out before nov. 1? Anyway, your story is good, I like how you wrote the first half of the story, that's all fine, i just dont think your second half of the essay matched the first. The conclusions you made about your experience and your reflection on them aren't going to stand out in anybodys mind, its pretty average, and while i know you dont mean it like this, it kind of takes away everything you say in the first half in how you were so amazed with what you saw and passionate about volunteering. The last line also isnt going to last in a persons mind, you can do alot better if your first half of the essay is any indication. And you basically ignore the michigan aspect of this, tying the university into the essay, obviously that cant' be the focus of your essay, but you have to at least say something about hte university, its characteristics in terms of what you can bring and why because you could basically replace michigan with any other school in teh country with this essay and michigan is a school that so diverse and with so many oppurtunities that you're missing out when you do that. One final thing, and im not an admissions officer so take this with a grain of salt, probably not the best idea to write about something that happened before high school that truely changed you if possible, three plus yrs is a long time and applications are suppose to be about what you did in high school. Anyway, you got a good story, now you just need to write about how it changed you.

srandhawa

Oct 28, 2009

Undergraduate / Diabetes in my family - Common Application Essay [11]

two things first off, just because there is a 250 word minimum, doens't mean your essay should go well over 500 words, that's generally the consensus, and its not just me, counselors and princeston review have told me your common app essay should not exceed 500 words. I didn't count your words though, maybe your fine, im just pointing it out. Second, when you write about a topic like this, your conclusions that you make are going to make the difference, and the ones you make aren't anything special, pretty average. You got to go more in depth, i know your essay is based off getting people moved by your story, but college essays are all about making conclusions. If this really moved you, teh admisions officers are going to want really moving and significant conlcusions. I also think you could use some better more lively, moving language in your essay but thats not something you can really change in a writer. by the way, anybody please feel free to look at either of my essasy and post comments, i will be turning them in within the next day or two.

srandhawa

Oct 28, 2009

Undergraduate / "trip to the Gurdwara" - University of Michigan Diversity Essay [10]

thanks for the advice i know what your going through right now, lots of deadlines this week, it's hard to really explicity say how i contribute to diversity, i feel like that's something implied by what i mention in the first half. thanks for the advice though appreciate anybody feel free, any kind of advice thanks alot

srandhawa

Oct 28, 2009

Undergraduate / "Winning 2nd Place made me a determined person" - UF Essay [10]

2 things I don't like about this essay: 1. Not enough focus on what you're ultimately trying to tell, too much detail in other things like having a C grade school and you do lose some focus because of it 2. This is kind of a byproduct of the first one but you do not do enough in terms of making conclusions and the ones you do make aren't anything special, they won't grab anybodies attention. Part of it is you don't develop enough of this essay to help show this idea that you state in your concluding paragraphs, but try to go deeper in your analysis of this. I'm not trying to sound obnoxious, you have some good elements to your essay, your very passionate for example, but those are two things I would definitely look at.

srandhawa

Oct 28, 2009

Undergraduate / Crack! I was down! ; COMMON APP/ Significant Experience [4]

i like this essay in general it is a good answer to the prompt, but the one thing I think would make it better is focusing a little bit more on the last paragraph, that relationship you established with the kids. You don't have to spend as much time anticpiating what it would be like, just say what it was like and talk about the relationship you did establish. You're in good shape though overall.

srandhawa

Oct 28, 2009

Undergraduate / "Looking Back" - Common App Essay---Evaluate a significant experience [5]

first off thanks alot soxfan for responding to my post, i edited my essay and there is another essay on another topic i posted and if you get a chance it would be great if you looked at it and provided some feedback. anyway, this is a good essay, no doubt about it, but the main problem is it takes to long to get into the story. Your idea is that you were changed as you matured and came back to the same hospital you went to before, but you took too long to develop that point. Too much talk about what you were like before, i dont think you lose focus, but i think you would be better off if you went into the main point of your essay sooner. I like the concluding paragraph alot, it makes what was an ok essay into a very good one, i think if you just try to get to your point a little quicker so your focus isnt lost to the reader, you'll be set.

srandhawa

Oct 28, 2009

Undergraduate / Biology, "mock trial" - University of Michigan Essay [15]

I have modified my essay take a look to see if it is any better I tried to keep it more focused. I didn't look at your advice until I posted this, so I will consider your advice on big words, thanks alot, I have another essay with the word gurdwara in it which i would like for anybody to look at provide feedback. Thanks Alot you guys really made a differnece

srandhawa

Oct 28, 2009

Undergraduate / Common App (Elaborate on an Activity - Baseball) [4]

i like the details but i feel your final point isn't that powerful through your examples when you say all this has allowed me to persevere through adversity. Well that's kind of an obvious point to make, i know its a short essay but try to reveal something less obvious, more subtle but nonetheless as powerful. Still, most of this response is fine.

srandhawa

Oct 28, 2009

Undergraduate / Biology, "mock trial" - University of Michigan Essay [15]

one more thing EF_Sean, this essay asks what led you to your area of interest, i feel like i do convey this when i talk about how implausible the experiment seemed and how i had no control over the situation which is a challenge i liked and made me passionate about the subject. I felt like the challenge of this transpired my interest, and this is what the prompt asks for. IF i talk a little bit more about my curiosity and get rid of the mock trial and possibly the kidney situation two and a half years ago, would i be answering the question and still revealing something about me? Do i really have to reveal something about me in this essay in terms of quality? Thanks alot for the feedback, really appreciate it

srandhawa

Oct 28, 2009

Undergraduate / Biology, "mock trial" - University of Michigan Essay [15]

thanks for the comments do you think i should just cut the mock trial part out and focus on the bio, any thoughts on the opening and first para, does that seem alright, i was trying to show that i was use to being able to manipulate things how i wanted but in the lab i couldn't, but i guess its not clear. I see what you're saying about going from talking about not handling a situation well to curiosity though, thanks.