Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by jolapham
Joined: Nov 2, 2009
Last Post: Jan 8, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 11  

From: Vietnam

Displayed posts: 13
sort: Oldest first   Latest first  | 
jolapham   
Nov 2, 2009
Undergraduate / 'experience in Venice' - An experience that has changed your life [7]

Nicely written; however, I personally would like to read more about how this experience affected you. You wrote: "It is reflected in my personality, my art, and my goals.", but the essay doesn't really show that. I can't find anywhere in the essay how you actually changed.

Nevertheless, it's undeniable that your description is very good. :)

GOOD LUCK!
jolapham   
Nov 2, 2009
Undergraduate / "Do you want to pull the plug?" Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality or experience [9]

I think it can be called an experience. My friend wrote about smt similar on a similar topic and it was OK.
I guess you should write some more about how you changed "since that time", more about your determination to "always look on the future", etc. End your essay with a positive note. Hope it helped.

GOOD LUCK!
jolapham   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Bentley's supplement (personal approach to students) [6]

Please help me with grammar and content. I really don't know if this is good enough. Any advise and suggestions greatly appreciated!

Please discuss your interest in Bentley and the aspects of our community that will help you reach your academic and personal goals. (1000 characters - I've got 5 left)

One of the prime factors that compelled me to apply to Bentley University is its personal approach to students. As I live in Hanoi, thousands of miles from Waltham, I was thrilled when Bentley offered me what I thought was an impossible - an interview with an admission officer. What I derive from this fact is that the school attaches great attention to individuals and is willing to spend more time and efforts to get to know each applicant.

The university composes of highly competitive, resolute students who are willing to take the opportunity of excellent education the school provides. Bentley's graduates are, thus, intelligent, well-rounded, inquiring minds, who benefited all advantages of an advanced business curriculum, exceptional liberal arts schooling and the emphasis on technical skills. Moreover, Bentley's heterogeneous community would help me gain knowledge about different cultures and perspectives - an essential if I want to use my business skills in a global context.
jolapham   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Bentley's supplement (personal approach to students) [6]

Thank you very very much! :)
I've been thinking about how to change the 2nd sentence (As I live in Hanoi...admission officer), but couldn't find a solution. Do you have any suggestions? And what do you think about this short answer in general?

I'd appreciate any kind of help. Thank you! :)
jolapham   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Bentley's supplement (personal approach to students) [6]

Could you help me rephrase the 2nd sentence? It just doesn't read well. I've been trying and trying, but I can't think of anything. My brain cells are just frozen. :(

Thank you in advance!
jolapham   
Jan 6, 2010
Undergraduate / "my never-give-up attitude" - Villanova: Lesson you have learned in your life [8]

Please, help me. My old essay so..."unimprovable" that I wrote a new one from scratch. I will have to send it in a few hours, so I am quite despaired. ANY comment/criticism/suggestion will help.

There are probably problems with:
- grammar
- "the"/"a"
- flow

Thank you all in advance!

Question: One of the core values of Villanova, as an Augustinian university founded on the teachings of St. Augustine, is that students and faculty learn from each other. As you imagine yourself as a member of the Villanova community, what is one lesson that you have learned in your life that you will want to share with others?

My essay:

The teacher entered the classroom and told us to sit down. Silence immediately filled the room as the teacher turned towards the blackboard. Words "Tu Ay - one of the most inspiring Vietnamese poems of our times" appeared in front of my eyes.

"Please, spare me." - I groaned before switching to my "snooze off" mode.

It was one of those boring-to-death Literature lessons, and I was trying with all my might not to fall asleep. The teacher in the front of me started interpreting the poem. Five minutes did not pass when the tears were threatening to spill from my tired-looking eyes; I was doing my best to suppress yet another yawn.

Taking notes and trying to stay awake, I pondered over a question. How can a subject possibly be so uninteresting? On every lesson, the teacher would go on forever about how ingenious the poet's use of verbs was, and how wonderfully he or she described the situation while using only a few words. She also never seemed to miss an opportunity to praise the author's brilliance while creating the characters. "How could it be possible for a literary work to be flawless?" - I asked myself waiting for my classmates' reaction; however, nobody seemed to dare to oppose the teacher's viewpoint. I decided to become the "pioneer".

My chance came when we were learning about "The Miserable Ones" by Victor Hugo. My teacher immediately divided the characters into two separate compartments labeled "good" and "bad". I could not comprehend the teacher's notion that Javert, one of the characters, was a complete essence of evil and malevolence. She did not even consider any of his admirable traits such as his devotion to work or self-discipline. I personally considered him misguided rather than evil, but when I shared my view with the teacher, I was ignored. Days passed, and after numerous criticized and even ridiculed attempts to speak up my mind, my lack of interest in the subject transformed into strong dislike. I became allergic to Literature.

Nevertheless, I knew I could not possibly continue learning by hating a subject. I was aware that the writing skills that the Literature was supposed to equip me with were vital, especially if I wanted to pursue a career in business. Moreover, my competitive nature could not let an "A" slip from my hands just because I found the lessons soporific and hateful! I had to find a way to overcome my antipathy.

Everybody knows that if someone is passionate about a subject, he or she will easily excel at it. I, however, realized that this worked on me the other way too; if I earned some good grades from a subject, I would unconsciously grow liking towards it. Therefore, to conquer my "Literature allergy" I started working on my grades. Every day, I would challenge myself with some writing tasks. I planned to write essays based on the lectures and tried to subtly inject some of my own thoughts in them. Nevertheless, I found it extremely hard to defeat my dislike towards the subject; I could only bear 45 minutes of the training daily. Weeks passed and there was not any progress. Every time I sat down with the Literature textbook in my hand, I would sit there looking at it, trying to learn the poems by heart and then write a short essay about them. However, it was always after 45 minutes that I gave up. I would eagerly do anything but study Literature. The next day was the same, and the next day, and the day after that... When I was nearly hopeless, a miracle happened; I studied the subject for more than an hour without even noticing. It motivated me. If that day I could study an hour, the next day I would do it for 10 minutes longer. Paragraph by paragraph, the essays were created, and my grades improved noticeably. I was getting used to studying Literature every day, and after some time, my allergy to it vanished.

I cannot say that I love that subject now, and that I am extremely fond of my teacher's lectures, but there is a lesson I learned from this experience. I learned that by doing something I detest, I measure and challenge my limits. I realized that what seems impossible can be achieved if I try hard enough. Since then, I have never give up on a goal even if I had to sacrifice some "blood, sweat, tears", and time to attain it.

If I have a chance to become a part of Villanova community, I will share this lesson not only by recalling my story, but also by proving it with my never-give-up attitude while facing the challenges lurking on my way to success.
jolapham   
Jan 6, 2010
Undergraduate / "my never-give-up attitude" - Villanova: Lesson you have learned in your life [8]

WOW! Thank you so much for such a quick reply. :)

OK, so from the beginning to

I became allergic to Literature.

is fine, right? Is there anything I should change there?

About the rest of the essay. I guess, I will have to think it over. Oh, and what kind of "interesting altercation" were you thinking of? Your idea might inspire me. :D It would really help.

It's 5:40am here, and I haven't slept yet, so I will check back in a few hours (hopefully with some new ideas).

Thank you again! I really appreciate it.

Anyone else who could help me? :)
jolapham   
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "my never-give-up attitude" - Villanova: Lesson you have learned in your life [8]

I've just submitted the modified essay about 1.5h ago. :P Was it 5 minutes before the deadline? :P

I agree with both of you - it was boring. Thus, I deleted everything from "Nevertheless, I knew I could not possibly continue learning by hating a subject" to the end and rewrote it. I kind of went with Liebe's idea. However, the quarrel I had with the teacher was mild, "Asian style" you can say. :)

I am not fully satisfied with the essay. But well, I wanted it to be perfect so not complaining. :D

Thank you both for the comments, and I will be more than glad to read your paper,
rockonfreak22. Could you please paste the link to the Villanova essay here since I could only find the one for Boston U?

Thanks again!
jolapham   
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "my experiences with Kelsey" - Villanova- Lesson I've Learned [6]

OK, I will try my best to help you with this one. However, please keep in mind that I'm not an extremely good writer, OK? lol

1. What was your friend's problem? What king of huge responsibility did you have to take? What was actually going on? I know that those matters are quite private, but try to clarify the situation at least a bit. I was kinda confused while reading your essay.

2. You start with present tense and then switch back to past tense. I suggest you chose one or the other. In this case, probably past would work just fine.

Those were 2 big ones; time for some details:
3.

irritable, loss of interest in everything, weight gain, and recurring feelings of hopelessness

All of those should be parallel, which means if you started with and adjective (irritable) then stick to the adjectives. Here, I would suggest using nouns. Maybe try: "irritation, loss of interest, weight gain, and feelings of hopelessness" ?

4.

As the signs began to manifest, so-called friends began distancing themselves. Maybe they didn't understand the depth of the situation, but it was evident they didn't want to deal with her.

"They" in the 2nd sentence refer to "so-called friends". OK. But whose friends were those "so-called friends"? You can write: "Kelly's so-called friends began distancing themselves from her." and it all becomes clearer.

5.

I was no longer afraid and unsure.

What made you change your attitude? Elaborate.

Those are only a few things I could think of right now. If I come up with any other ideas/suggestions, I will let you know.

GOOD LUCK WITH THE APPLICATION! ;)

Oh, and here is the link to an AMAZING, in my opinion, essay (also to Villanova). :P
jolapham   
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "my experiences with Kelsey" - Villanova- Lesson I've Learned [6]

I didn't care if I was unfit to help or if I even wanted
to help,...

I think Stephanie meant that she did not care whether her fiend wanted her help or not.
Stephanie, maybe you should rephrase this sentence to avoid confusion. :)
jolapham   
Jan 8, 2010
Undergraduate / "my experiences with Kelsey" - Villanova- Lesson I've Learned [6]

Hey! :)
I think you have submitted the app by now, but anyway here is my opinion:
It is certainly much better from before. You made the situation clear enough to understand what was going on without going too much into your private life. I did not have to reread anything to grasp your point. I would add some information about the responsibility you had to take, though, or about how you felt just after this sentence:

I wasn't ready for such a huge responsibility.

Maybe some rhetorical questions?

About the title, don't worry. They (?) change it to better reflect the content of the thread.

Anyway, nice essay. :) And to be honest, it made me worry about mine! lol
GOOD LUCK!

PS: And sorry for mistaking your friend's name (I wrote "Kelly" instead of "Kelsey" :-/ ).
PPS: And could you give me a feedback? I will post the essays soon. Thanks in advance! :)