poisonivy
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / why vassar essay - "My canvas" [16]
Wow, thank you so much! :)
Im so glad you enjoyed it
Wow, thank you so much! :)
Im so glad you enjoyed it
poisonivy
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Boston U [Why Boston and Three Words About You]; Needle/ knot/ paper [11]
Hi paranormale! :)
Few suggestions:
a urban setting
a good international relations and political science program - you say above that it is a "perfect fit" so you cannot say simply "good" now. Replace that with great, fantastic or another synonym
also, isn't it supposed to be 5-6 sentences? yours has 8...you may try any sentence combination to reduce that, even though its probably no big deal.
About the second essay:
What can I say? [...] I feel these words can describe me and my characteristics much better than any adjective could. - I feel this is too long and rambles about the same thing, you could reduce that to one single sentence.
Paper has so many uses
I overall liked this essay, very original :)
Could you please help me in my essay?
Hi paranormale! :)
Few suggestions:
a urban setting
a good international relations and political science program - you say above that it is a "perfect fit" so you cannot say simply "good" now. Replace that with great, fantastic or another synonym
also, isn't it supposed to be 5-6 sentences? yours has 8...you may try any sentence combination to reduce that, even though its probably no big deal.
About the second essay:
What can I say? [...] I feel these words can describe me and my characteristics much better than any adjective could. - I feel this is too long and rambles about the same thing, you could reduce that to one single sentence.
Paper has so many uses
I overall liked this essay, very original :)
Could you please help me in my essay?
poisonivy
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / RISD + innovation - "why Brown" response--critique [8]
This is really good! Some advice:
many other interests. - you may want to expand more on this. what are your other interests and how can brown help you in them (courses, clubs etc)
damned - sure you want to use this? a bit too informal, for my taste
Anyway well done!
Please help me with mine? :)
This is really good! Some advice:
many other interests. - you may want to expand more on this. what are your other interests and how can brown help you in them (courses, clubs etc)
damned - sure you want to use this? a bit too informal, for my taste
Anyway well done!
Please help me with mine? :)
poisonivy
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Intellectually engaging idea and what makes stanford a good place for you [5]
Your first response is well-written, though it is not so much Stanford specific. I know its difficult to do sth very specific, though it could help to do some research on the engineering opportunities that Stanford offers and say why you are attracted to them
Your second short essay is nice. Just some suggestions:
The story of how we came to be on this earth is an interesting topic to most everyone, and I am no different. - I dont particularly like the introduction, first because it does not hook me and mostly, the part "I am no different" is not so appealing. If you dont come up with anything more creative, you could try: "I have always been fascinated by..." or "The story of how we came to be on this earth has always fascinated/intrigued me", sth like this.
I find it very difficult to believe the other side. - I suggest you don't say this, because you don't want to look like you are not open-minded. Instead you can say that you still do research about the topic to be further informed.
I hope I helped.
Please have a look at mine, my deadline is tomorrow! thanks in advance :)
Your first response is well-written, though it is not so much Stanford specific. I know its difficult to do sth very specific, though it could help to do some research on the engineering opportunities that Stanford offers and say why you are attracted to them
Your second short essay is nice. Just some suggestions:
The story of how we came to be on this earth is an interesting topic to most everyone, and I am no different. - I dont particularly like the introduction, first because it does not hook me and mostly, the part "I am no different" is not so appealing. If you dont come up with anything more creative, you could try: "I have always been fascinated by..." or "The story of how we came to be on this earth has always fascinated/intrigued me", sth like this.
I find it very difficult to believe the other side. - I suggest you don't say this, because you don't want to look like you are not open-minded. Instead you can say that you still do research about the topic to be further informed.
I hope I helped.
Please have a look at mine, my deadline is tomorrow! thanks in advance :)
poisonivy
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / A song for a spike - my Common app essay - "Volleyball" [9]
Guys could you please help me with my essay? I have to submit it in few hours! Thank you and promise to help you back if you need :)
Guys could you please help me with my essay? I have to submit it in few hours! Thank you and promise to help you back if you need :)
poisonivy
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / NYU movie and poem and Lehigh community and equity [4]
I like your first answer a lot, though maybe you would want to point out what you mean by equity too. I do not agree, for example that community and equity should meet if equity has the sense of communism, but I totally embrace it in the democratic meaning (equity in possibilities, then it depends from the person how he manages them and if he profits from them)
About the second question, I definitely prefer the first poem, though I do not know how much you relate yourself to it... I guess the idea is that you can reveal sth about yourself through your poem, not just that you can write well
About the third, I guess it is an interesting idea. If you want to shorten it, you can take off the part: she leads a happy life, marrying her lovely husband and working for a large research company;, it does not add much to your paragraph.
I hope I helped and please, help me in my essay, if you can :)
I like your first answer a lot, though maybe you would want to point out what you mean by equity too. I do not agree, for example that community and equity should meet if equity has the sense of communism, but I totally embrace it in the democratic meaning (equity in possibilities, then it depends from the person how he manages them and if he profits from them)
About the second question, I definitely prefer the first poem, though I do not know how much you relate yourself to it... I guess the idea is that you can reveal sth about yourself through your poem, not just that you can write well
About the third, I guess it is an interesting idea. If you want to shorten it, you can take off the part: she leads a happy life, marrying her lovely husband and working for a large research company;, it does not add much to your paragraph.
I hope I helped and please, help me in my essay, if you can :)
poisonivy
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Brown University- Ahead of the Stars influence [3]
I agree that the overall idea is nice and apt for the essay.
Though, you could make this more interesting and captivating. For example, why not using a rewording of "The first time I heard this poem was when I was ten years old. Back then it had no meaning to me." as an introduction to make it like a hook, and not to give away immediately what your essay is about?
Also, I realized beyond the stars there is a universe that is full of myriads of possibilities. And in that myriad of possibilities there is one that is just for me. why not elaborate what you think your future or your destiny is? This will make the essay more concrete and tell something about you.
To further the verses of this poem I write: - I don't find this line attractive. You could write sth else, for example "these words have become my anthem" and proceed with them.
I hope I helped and I wish you good luck.
I would appreciate a lottt if you could help me on my essay:
I agree that the overall idea is nice and apt for the essay.
Though, you could make this more interesting and captivating. For example, why not using a rewording of "The first time I heard this poem was when I was ten years old. Back then it had no meaning to me." as an introduction to make it like a hook, and not to give away immediately what your essay is about?
Also, I realized beyond the stars there is a universe that is full of myriads of possibilities. And in that myriad of possibilities there is one that is just for me. why not elaborate what you think your future or your destiny is? This will make the essay more concrete and tell something about you.
I hope I helped and I wish you good luck.
I would appreciate a lottt if you could help me on my essay:
poisonivy
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / A song for a spike - my Common app essay - "Volleyball" [9]
I am hopeless for your help. This is my common app essay, and I am pretty sure I have made a mess. Please advice me. Thank you a lot!
Could you say me if the title is apt:
A song for a spike
Modestly speaking, I am blessed with many good qualities. I can solve Olympiad math problems and can prepare the best spaghetti alla arrabiata in the world. I can do up to 30 push-ups, and I am able to tie my shoelaces in a unique way. I always fall asleep with a book, possibly "The Shadow of the Wind" or one of Remarque's novels, lying on my chest. I am capable of holding a passionate discussion with my dad on fluorescent light bulbs, my environmental heroes. Truthfully, I am not the tidiest person, but when I do decide to clean up the house, I render it perfectly spotless.
There is one thing, though, I do feel sorry about: my singing. I would love to be able to produce tender, heart-melting, powerful sounds from my larynx. I feel music is inside me, just too submerged to ever reach the surface in a serenading manner. But I refuse to surrender. I have discovered that something becomes really impossible only when you cease trying to make it possible.
My memory never lets me down when it comes to evidence: I still can vividly recall my first attempts at volleyball. Once, I felt as though my role on the court was just that of a static, decorative figure to fill up a position. At first, I thought that I was simply not cut for volleyball: one cannot possibly be good at everything, right? However, deep inside I felt a passion for that 270-gram ball with white, blue, and yellow stripes that would take off with a wonderful serve and beat the center of the court. I loved the smiles, the enthusiasm, the team spirit, the shout "Ace" that would come from their hearts and echo in my ears. I wanted to be a part of it, I really did...
That fantasy was annihilated with each progressive ball hurling towards me from every direction as I stood in the middle of the court. "What in the world was I thinking?!" It was a nightmare, worse still, a nightmare that I, myself, had chosen when I joined a volleyball club. The first day of training, I hurt my finger, and the next day it mirrored a round, violet sausage. My sane, critical thinking was telling me to quit. With all due respect, I decided not to listen to it.
Sweat. Twisted ankle. Aching muscles. Exhausted from serves and spikes, pull ups and dips, core stability exercises and power push-ups. Still I was headstrong. A few difficult months had to pass before I noticed changes. Changes - what a beautiful, arduous word! Today, two years later, I still stand there, in the center, under a rain of angry balls. The difference? I know how to handle them. Some will come past me nevertheless; I still have much to learn, much to improve. Yet I am excited at the thought that, day by day, I am pushing the limits of what I once thought I could or could not do.
Some may think that music does not have much to do with this experience, since it is chiefly an innate talent and not something to achieve solely by hard work. However, I believe that the solutions to both matters lie in the very same spot: profound passion. If the vocal chords in my larynx are not particularly well suited to emit a melodic tune, skilled fingers and a music-loving heart will do. I am elated when I cradle a guitar and feel its breathtaking sounds overwhelm me. My melodies are far from perfect, but that does not even matter to me. I am happy to have found a way to express my probably amateurish, but nonetheless deep, passion for music.
I feel I have undergone such a substantial change because of these two experiences. They have made me understand that it is our love for something rather than the existing achievement that defines what we truly are.
Music and sport are so inherently different. Bizarre as it may be, however, there is this one thing that makes them synonymous to me: love. With it in my heart, I can, and yes, I will, find a way.
I am hopeless for your help. This is my common app essay, and I am pretty sure I have made a mess. Please advice me. Thank you a lot!
Could you say me if the title is apt:
A song for a spike
Modestly speaking, I am blessed with many good qualities. I can solve Olympiad math problems and can prepare the best spaghetti alla arrabiata in the world. I can do up to 30 push-ups, and I am able to tie my shoelaces in a unique way. I always fall asleep with a book, possibly "The Shadow of the Wind" or one of Remarque's novels, lying on my chest. I am capable of holding a passionate discussion with my dad on fluorescent light bulbs, my environmental heroes. Truthfully, I am not the tidiest person, but when I do decide to clean up the house, I render it perfectly spotless.
There is one thing, though, I do feel sorry about: my singing. I would love to be able to produce tender, heart-melting, powerful sounds from my larynx. I feel music is inside me, just too submerged to ever reach the surface in a serenading manner. But I refuse to surrender. I have discovered that something becomes really impossible only when you cease trying to make it possible.
My memory never lets me down when it comes to evidence: I still can vividly recall my first attempts at volleyball. Once, I felt as though my role on the court was just that of a static, decorative figure to fill up a position. At first, I thought that I was simply not cut for volleyball: one cannot possibly be good at everything, right? However, deep inside I felt a passion for that 270-gram ball with white, blue, and yellow stripes that would take off with a wonderful serve and beat the center of the court. I loved the smiles, the enthusiasm, the team spirit, the shout "Ace" that would come from their hearts and echo in my ears. I wanted to be a part of it, I really did...
That fantasy was annihilated with each progressive ball hurling towards me from every direction as I stood in the middle of the court. "What in the world was I thinking?!" It was a nightmare, worse still, a nightmare that I, myself, had chosen when I joined a volleyball club. The first day of training, I hurt my finger, and the next day it mirrored a round, violet sausage. My sane, critical thinking was telling me to quit. With all due respect, I decided not to listen to it.
Sweat. Twisted ankle. Aching muscles. Exhausted from serves and spikes, pull ups and dips, core stability exercises and power push-ups. Still I was headstrong. A few difficult months had to pass before I noticed changes. Changes - what a beautiful, arduous word! Today, two years later, I still stand there, in the center, under a rain of angry balls. The difference? I know how to handle them. Some will come past me nevertheless; I still have much to learn, much to improve. Yet I am excited at the thought that, day by day, I am pushing the limits of what I once thought I could or could not do.
Some may think that music does not have much to do with this experience, since it is chiefly an innate talent and not something to achieve solely by hard work. However, I believe that the solutions to both matters lie in the very same spot: profound passion. If the vocal chords in my larynx are not particularly well suited to emit a melodic tune, skilled fingers and a music-loving heart will do. I am elated when I cradle a guitar and feel its breathtaking sounds overwhelm me. My melodies are far from perfect, but that does not even matter to me. I am happy to have found a way to express my probably amateurish, but nonetheless deep, passion for music.
I feel I have undergone such a substantial change because of these two experiences. They have made me understand that it is our love for something rather than the existing achievement that defines what we truly are.
Music and sport are so inherently different. Bizarre as it may be, however, there is this one thing that makes them synonymous to me: love. With it in my heart, I can, and yes, I will, find a way.
poisonivy
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / why vassar essay - "My canvas" [16]
@ KupcakeKim
Thanks for reading and correcting those errors.
Though, I am puzzled. I know I come to conclusions that aren't very befitting of a lady sometimes, and the beginning of your essay is a perfect example of when I do.
What do you exactly mean by that?
AND, no, there is no limit to Vassar's essay (in the supplement of Vassar there is a box where you can write the "why" with a max of 500 char. OR you can upload a document - no word limit!)
@ KupcakeKim
Thanks for reading and correcting those errors.
Though, I am puzzled. I know I come to conclusions that aren't very befitting of a lady sometimes, and the beginning of your essay is a perfect example of when I do.
What do you exactly mean by that?
AND, no, there is no limit to Vassar's essay (in the supplement of Vassar there is a box where you can write the "why" with a max of 500 char. OR you can upload a document - no word limit!)
poisonivy
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / "Learning the Guitar"- My Common Application Essay [5]
I am interested at the subject of this essay (its easier to read than most of the others). Though, I believe it could be much better.
About grammar I didn't notice any mistakes. Though, the most important problem stands in the fact that this essay has not enough feeling as it should. The language you use is correct but too rigid. Why not concentrating more at the guitar itself as inspiration to you, or at the beautiful sounds it emits? This isn't just to make the essay more emotional, but also to show how passionate you are about music.
Also, I would suggest that you remove the whole paragraph about Calculus. It distracts the reader from the main topic, plus if you remove that, your essay will be shorter (now its a bit too long) and more compact.
I hope I helped :)
Please, if you have time give me some advice in my recent posts? Thanks.
I am interested at the subject of this essay (its easier to read than most of the others). Though, I believe it could be much better.
About grammar I didn't notice any mistakes. Though, the most important problem stands in the fact that this essay has not enough feeling as it should. The language you use is correct but too rigid. Why not concentrating more at the guitar itself as inspiration to you, or at the beautiful sounds it emits? This isn't just to make the essay more emotional, but also to show how passionate you are about music.
Also, I would suggest that you remove the whole paragraph about Calculus. It distracts the reader from the main topic, plus if you remove that, your essay will be shorter (now its a bit too long) and more compact.
I hope I helped :)
Please, if you have time give me some advice in my recent posts? Thanks.
poisonivy
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Dangerously High Risk Essay: Yale & Brown [20]
I have read something similar to this. Damn, I cannot recall his name right now... Well, you must have read that essay, since this is very similar. It is a guy that says I have done this and I have done that (among those was "I sleep once a week and when I do, I sleep in my chair"), and he mentions that he has won several prizes (Nobel, if I recall well) then he ends this essay by telling "BUT I have not yet been to university".
I guess you have been influenced by him to write this, though it exists a small chance that you haven't. Anyway, submitting this essay would be too risky.
I am a person who goes for the risks, and normally I would advice you to submit it and praise you for your originality, even though this essay would not tell much besides the fact "i am original and I take risks"
Though, I am NOT advising you to submit this. Why? Because its main supposed strength, originality, is very doubtful. And believe me, since I know this essay, the adcoms must know it for sure.
Hope I cleared your thoughts a bit and hope you will do a great essay :)
Could you take a look at my past post(s) if you can? I would appreciate it. Thanks.
I have read something similar to this. Damn, I cannot recall his name right now... Well, you must have read that essay, since this is very similar. It is a guy that says I have done this and I have done that (among those was "I sleep once a week and when I do, I sleep in my chair"), and he mentions that he has won several prizes (Nobel, if I recall well) then he ends this essay by telling "BUT I have not yet been to university".
I guess you have been influenced by him to write this, though it exists a small chance that you haven't. Anyway, submitting this essay would be too risky.
I am a person who goes for the risks, and normally I would advice you to submit it and praise you for your originality, even though this essay would not tell much besides the fact "i am original and I take risks"
Though, I am NOT advising you to submit this. Why? Because its main supposed strength, originality, is very doubtful. And believe me, since I know this essay, the adcoms must know it for sure.
Hope I cleared your thoughts a bit and hope you will do a great essay :)
Could you take a look at my past post(s) if you can? I would appreciate it. Thanks.
poisonivy
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Yale? short answer - Balance in everything [6]
Thank you for your feedback. Could you help me find any word suitable to replace "architect"?
With architect I actually meant just shaping, because the substance is already there, if you know what i mean.
Thank you for your feedback. Could you help me find any word suitable to replace "architect"?
With architect I actually meant just shaping, because the substance is already there, if you know what i mean.
poisonivy
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Catch. Pass. Catch' - Common Application Short Answer- Lacrosse [4]
This is a very special way to answer the prompt. Not only is it original, but it is also very nice to read, pretty vivid and passionate. Nice work :)
Could you help me with my posts (short answers, they wont steal you a lot of time)? :)
This is a very special way to answer the prompt. Not only is it original, but it is also very nice to read, pretty vivid and passionate. Nice work :)
Could you help me with my posts (short answers, they wont steal you a lot of time)? :)
poisonivy
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Yale? short answer - Balance in everything [6]
This has to be just 500 char. Please give me your opinions!!
To me, Yale epitomizes the golden balance. The combination between specialized knowledge and broad liberal arts background is the most apt for my intended career: Neuroscience, which blends both biology and psychology. Yale will give me the opportunity to gain an excellent education, without having to give up from my passions, as volleyball and theater. I want to embrace life fully, that's why I see Yale as the perfect architect of my future.
(446 char., so if I need to expand on anything a bit, I may)
This has to be just 500 char. Please give me your opinions!!
To me, Yale epitomizes the golden balance. The combination between specialized knowledge and broad liberal arts background is the most apt for my intended career: Neuroscience, which blends both biology and psychology. Yale will give me the opportunity to gain an excellent education, without having to give up from my passions, as volleyball and theater. I want to embrace life fully, that's why I see Yale as the perfect architect of my future.
(446 char., so if I need to expand on anything a bit, I may)
poisonivy
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / why vassar essay - "My canvas" [16]
Thank you a lot Bilal.
Hope to meet you in September! :)
Thank you a lot Bilal.
Hope to meet you in September! :)
poisonivy
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Brown short answer- Neuroscience department and freedom! [6]
Thank you qianmeimei! I deleted that sentence and now the char. count is alright.
Thanks paranormale. I revised the errors you told me.
I will look at your essays asap. :)
Thank you qianmeimei! I deleted that sentence and now the char. count is alright.
Thanks paranormale. I revised the errors you told me.
I will look at your essays asap. :)
poisonivy
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / "the pleasures of exploring" - Interest in Brown Supplement [9]
This is a great work. You tell and show your three main reasons: open curriculum, excellent faculty, community work. You have strong (well, as much as the limit of character allows) support for all the reasons you mention. well done :)
Could you help me on my answer to this question? (I'm applying to Brown too)
This is a great work. You tell and show your three main reasons: open curriculum, excellent faculty, community work. You have strong (well, as much as the limit of character allows) support for all the reasons you mention. well done :)
Could you help me on my answer to this question? (I'm applying to Brown too)
poisonivy
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Brown short answer- Neuroscience department and freedom! [6]
Please tell us more about your interest in Brown: Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply? (1,000 characters available)
Please help me, this is a bit long (1046 char.)
My immutable attraction to Biology makes me consider Neuroscience a great possibility for my future. I see in Brown an excellent architect of medical futures and this is the main reason why Brown is the perfect fit for me. It would be an honor being mentored by the renowned faculty of Brown's Department of Neuroscience. In such a field, where many potentially life-revolutionizing questions are still unanswered, I am thrilled by the possibility to discover and to make a change. Thus, I love the possibilities for independent studies that Brown offers, especially the unique opportunity for Independent Neuroscience Research - one that I would not let slip.
Brown also amazes me with the freedom it radiates: the open curriculum is the epitome of it. I don't want to simply learn, I want to explore and experience my passions, such as theater. I want to share my unusual ideas with unique, diverse people. I want to emerge in the vivacious student life by becoming an emPOWER activist. I want to embrace life fully. I already feel a brunonian.
Please tell us more about your interest in Brown: Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply? (1,000 characters available)
Please help me, this is a bit long (1046 char.)
My immutable attraction to Biology makes me consider Neuroscience a great possibility for my future. I see in Brown an excellent architect of medical futures and this is the main reason why Brown is the perfect fit for me. It would be an honor being mentored by the renowned faculty of Brown's Department of Neuroscience. In such a field, where many potentially life-revolutionizing questions are still unanswered, I am thrilled by the possibility to discover and to make a change. Thus, I love the possibilities for independent studies that Brown offers, especially the unique opportunity for Independent Neuroscience Research - one that I would not let slip.
Brown also amazes me with the freedom it radiates: the open curriculum is the epitome of it. I don't want to simply learn, I want to explore and experience my passions, such as theater. I want to share my unusual ideas with unique, diverse people. I want to emerge in the vivacious student life by becoming an emPOWER activist. I want to embrace life fully. I already feel a brunonian.
poisonivy
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / why vassar essay - "My canvas" [16]
I see your point. I'll try to fix those things asap.
Thank you for reading and for the compliments :)
I see your point. I'll try to fix those things asap.
Thank you for reading and for the compliments :)
poisonivy
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / why vassar essay - "My canvas" [16]
Any other opinion? please help me.
@ Daila: Thank you! You are right about the "its". I find Genetics interesting too. I wish you good luck :)
Any other opinion? please help me.
@ Daila: Thank you! You are right about the "its". I find Genetics interesting too. I wish you good luck :)
poisonivy
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / why vassar essay - "My canvas" [16]
Here's my response to the prompt "How did you learn about Vassar and what aspects do you find appealing?"
Show no mercy. I appreciate your help a lot.
The whiteness challenges me. It penetrates to my thoughts, down my throat. Ironic... It looks so fragile, yet it holds an enormous power in my eyes. It is so thin, almost transparent, and in the same time it doesn't allow me to see what hides behind it. I should be the one to tell that. The question is: Am I ready?
I stare at the empty canvas, depicted in the very first page of Vassar's handbook. I look at the red letters "What are you going to put on the canvas?" Yes, it is my canvas. I have never been a great painter, but this is not the usual canvas anyway. Yet, in this very moment, painting seems easier than doing what I am supposed to do: choose for my future, determine my path. Reluctantly, my fingers touch the side of the paper to advance to the next page.
Pictures. Unique. I try to find what is so special about them: probably the fact they are so different from each other, probably the feeling that the smiling faces portrayed in those pictures seem so happy and real. I can imagine my picture there, among those trees, using the pile of books beside me as a pillow to rest my head and enjoy the stunning scenery of Hudson Valley. I catch myself smiling, as I would smile if I were there, inside that imaginary picture.
Next page. Numbers. A "50" catches my sight: "Vassar students come from 50 states and 50 foreign countries." Those simple words, typed in small letters, made my heart pump and my smile widen. I loved the opportunity to emerge in an incredibly globalized environment and foster that unique diversity: may it be simply through a bit of my native language or the traditional curd pie, as well as through my dreams and my windows to the world. Though, in my eyes that number expresses not only rich diversity. It also sheds light to a college that encourages international students and gives them the opportunity to receive an excellent education, even though they might not be able to financially support it. Vassar immediately won my respect for this.
The next pages kept me throughout hooked. From the senses the initial pictures gave me, I passed into experiencing what it means to be a Vassar student. I met Luke and ran eagerly through the lines that described his summer on an archeological dig in Greece, just to realize how many incredible opportunities Vassar has to offer to his students. One of my biggest passions has always been traveling and meeting new cultures and environments, and Vassar's summer internship programs seem like an exciting and very rewarding way to fulfill my passion. I also encountered Allyson, and I was amazed at discovering an element of Vassar's long and renowned history: the tradition of the "Founder's Day". Rebecca gave me an insight to the vibrant student life, and, after further research on Vassar's site, I could easily picture myself as a "Habitat for Humanity" activist. Every person I met, with his unique dreams and passions, helped me understand that Vassar is a wonderful architect of bright presents and futures.
I come closer to the handbook's back cover, with every word impressed in my mind. I skim through Vassar's Curriculum, to stop where my passion lies. Neuroscience and Behavior - the perfect blend between my immutable attraction to Biology and my desire to understand and help people. In this field, where many potentially life-revolutionizing questions are still unanswered, I am thrilled by the possibility to discover and to make a change. Vassar's excellent Neuroscience and Behavior program, combining a renowned faculty with seminars, field works, independent works and not only, epitomizes to me a chance which I cannot let slip.
I have finished reading. I smile outside, I smile inside. Yet, I do not close the book. I slip back to page one. The canvas. Now, I am sure. I have the answer.
Here's my response to the prompt "How did you learn about Vassar and what aspects do you find appealing?"
Show no mercy. I appreciate your help a lot.
The whiteness challenges me. It penetrates to my thoughts, down my throat. Ironic... It looks so fragile, yet it holds an enormous power in my eyes. It is so thin, almost transparent, and in the same time it doesn't allow me to see what hides behind it. I should be the one to tell that. The question is: Am I ready?
I stare at the empty canvas, depicted in the very first page of Vassar's handbook. I look at the red letters "What are you going to put on the canvas?" Yes, it is my canvas. I have never been a great painter, but this is not the usual canvas anyway. Yet, in this very moment, painting seems easier than doing what I am supposed to do: choose for my future, determine my path. Reluctantly, my fingers touch the side of the paper to advance to the next page.
Pictures. Unique. I try to find what is so special about them: probably the fact they are so different from each other, probably the feeling that the smiling faces portrayed in those pictures seem so happy and real. I can imagine my picture there, among those trees, using the pile of books beside me as a pillow to rest my head and enjoy the stunning scenery of Hudson Valley. I catch myself smiling, as I would smile if I were there, inside that imaginary picture.
Next page. Numbers. A "50" catches my sight: "Vassar students come from 50 states and 50 foreign countries." Those simple words, typed in small letters, made my heart pump and my smile widen. I loved the opportunity to emerge in an incredibly globalized environment and foster that unique diversity: may it be simply through a bit of my native language or the traditional curd pie, as well as through my dreams and my windows to the world. Though, in my eyes that number expresses not only rich diversity. It also sheds light to a college that encourages international students and gives them the opportunity to receive an excellent education, even though they might not be able to financially support it. Vassar immediately won my respect for this.
The next pages kept me throughout hooked. From the senses the initial pictures gave me, I passed into experiencing what it means to be a Vassar student. I met Luke and ran eagerly through the lines that described his summer on an archeological dig in Greece, just to realize how many incredible opportunities Vassar has to offer to his students. One of my biggest passions has always been traveling and meeting new cultures and environments, and Vassar's summer internship programs seem like an exciting and very rewarding way to fulfill my passion. I also encountered Allyson, and I was amazed at discovering an element of Vassar's long and renowned history: the tradition of the "Founder's Day". Rebecca gave me an insight to the vibrant student life, and, after further research on Vassar's site, I could easily picture myself as a "Habitat for Humanity" activist. Every person I met, with his unique dreams and passions, helped me understand that Vassar is a wonderful architect of bright presents and futures.
I come closer to the handbook's back cover, with every word impressed in my mind. I skim through Vassar's Curriculum, to stop where my passion lies. Neuroscience and Behavior - the perfect blend between my immutable attraction to Biology and my desire to understand and help people. In this field, where many potentially life-revolutionizing questions are still unanswered, I am thrilled by the possibility to discover and to make a change. Vassar's excellent Neuroscience and Behavior program, combining a renowned faculty with seminars, field works, independent works and not only, epitomizes to me a chance which I cannot let slip.
I have finished reading. I smile outside, I smile inside. Yet, I do not close the book. I slip back to page one. The canvas. Now, I am sure. I have the answer.
poisonivy
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "a resident of Taiwan" - rice short supplement. why the school of study? [6]
Just an idea:
What if you start saying 2 (or more) general statements: one about the overpopulation in Taiwan and one about badminton, and then introduce nanotechnology as the link between them? If you write it well, I think it can be a really good hook to start off the essay.
Anyway, I like that the essay is focused and detailed. You seem to know what you are talking about. Good work!
I would appreciate your help in my posts, if you can :)
Just an idea:
What if you start saying 2 (or more) general statements: one about the overpopulation in Taiwan and one about badminton, and then introduce nanotechnology as the link between them? If you write it well, I think it can be a really good hook to start off the essay.
Anyway, I like that the essay is focused and detailed. You seem to know what you are talking about. Good work!
I would appreciate your help in my posts, if you can :)
poisonivy
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / My beloved laptop just decided that its very last day has come;Self-Description Essay [12]
Well, im not a native speaker either :)
Anyways, the error is that the part "that was already declared canceled" stands right after "happen", while it should stand next to "a camp for kids in India".
"or walking forty kilometer to make a camp for kids in India (that was already declared canceled) happen." - that could be a way to solve this, maybe you can find a better one
Well, im not a native speaker either :)
Anyways, the error is that the part "that was already declared canceled" stands right after "happen", while it should stand next to "a camp for kids in India".
"or walking forty kilometer to make a camp for kids in India (that was already declared canceled) happen." - that could be a way to solve this, maybe you can find a better one
poisonivy
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "responsibilities and opportunities" - Why Brown? [8]
This is a good writing but doesnt stand out. Why? Because you are telling them why Brown is a good university, not why it is a good university for you.
If the open curriculum is what you are most attracted to, then say why it is so for you. (You could say specifically what courses do you intend to take, that the open curriculum allows you that the curriculum of another uni. doesnt)
On the other hand, you could always talk about sth else: related to your intended major, giving reasons and details why Brown is excellent in X department.
I would appreciate your help in my posts, if you can :)
(check my profile)
This is a good writing but doesnt stand out. Why? Because you are telling them why Brown is a good university, not why it is a good university for you.
If the open curriculum is what you are most attracted to, then say why it is so for you. (You could say specifically what courses do you intend to take, that the open curriculum allows you that the curriculum of another uni. doesnt)
On the other hand, you could always talk about sth else: related to your intended major, giving reasons and details why Brown is excellent in X department.
I would appreciate your help in my posts, if you can :)
(check my profile)
poisonivy
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / What don't you know?- Brown Supplement! [8]
Oh you're welcome :) I'd be happy to read the edited version to, when you have it.
About my essays, you can find them by clicking on my name and looking at my posts, hope you will have time for it :)
Oh you're welcome :) I'd be happy to read the edited version to, when you have it.
About my essays, you can find them by clicking on my name and looking at my posts, hope you will have time for it :)
poisonivy
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Bu essay. 3 words that describe you! comments are welcome! [4]
Yes, it is a bit long... Shorten the descriptions of the events you talk about, maybe you could do that by picking strong adjectives and removing some whole sentences (you have to cut, there's no other way).
Also, the conclusion is a bit unnecessarily long too. Try something short and more specific about the university you're applying to.
Generally, this essay is well-structured, has a nice flow, and its pleasant to read. Good job Mjellma :)
PS: I dont want to sound bothering, but I'd always appreciate your help in my posts :)
Yes, it is a bit long... Shorten the descriptions of the events you talk about, maybe you could do that by picking strong adjectives and removing some whole sentences (you have to cut, there's no other way).
Also, the conclusion is a bit unnecessarily long too. Try something short and more specific about the university you're applying to.
Generally, this essay is well-structured, has a nice flow, and its pleasant to read. Good job Mjellma :)
PS: I dont want to sound bothering, but I'd always appreciate your help in my posts :)
poisonivy
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / My beloved laptop just decided that its very last day has come;Self-Description Essay [12]
"or walking forty kilometer to make a camp for kids in India happen that was already declared canceled." - the modifyer "that was already declared canceled" is placed at the wrong place and causes the sentence to be awkward. Also, isn't it "40 kilometers"? That was the only big error I caught.
An advice about the essay in general - it is too long. Almost 900 words is definitely too much, so you must shorten it a bit, at least make it around 700 words. I liked the essay because it was easy and fun to read (not that heavy like some others), though, pay attention that not all colleges may unquestionably accept that you lost your essays and hadn't saved them nowhere... the odds for this to happen are a bit...well, you know.
anyway, i hope i helped. could you help me with my posts as well (JHU essay and carleton supplement)? Thanks in advance :)
"or walking forty kilometer to make a camp for kids in India happen that was already declared canceled." - the modifyer "that was already declared canceled" is placed at the wrong place and causes the sentence to be awkward. Also, isn't it "40 kilometers"? That was the only big error I caught.
An advice about the essay in general - it is too long. Almost 900 words is definitely too much, so you must shorten it a bit, at least make it around 700 words. I liked the essay because it was easy and fun to read (not that heavy like some others), though, pay attention that not all colleges may unquestionably accept that you lost your essays and hadn't saved them nowhere... the odds for this to happen are a bit...well, you know.
anyway, i hope i helped. could you help me with my posts as well (JHU essay and carleton supplement)? Thanks in advance :)
poisonivy
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / What don't you know?- Brown Supplement! [8]
With the world's population at 6,792,958,625 , I am but a mere speck, so infinitely small-almost invisible. Once again, I am humbled at the vastness of what I don't know. What the human race has brought us, what our advanced technology has discovered cannot be compared to the immeasurable amount of knowledge that has yet to be grasped. - the sentences of the intro say more or less the same thing, why not reducing them?
Even if I did fulfill my dream, how would I, a little girl who knows nothing, be able to change the world? Would I even make the smallest difference in this world. - I seriously doubt that modesty is very praised by adcoms. So, you'd better replace that "a little girl who knows nothing" with something not that strong, but that still conveys the meaning.
I am merely a small, but sturdy pencil. All I can do is make sure that I'm freshly sharpened and prepared for Him to grab onto and write. - love this part, very original
Hope I helped a bit. I would appreciate if you could help me with my JHU essay and my Carleton supplement, if you have time? :)
Good luck in your applications!
With the world's population at 6,792,958,625 , I am but a mere speck, so infinitely small-almost invisible. Once again, I am humbled at the vastness of what I don't know. What the human race has brought us, what our advanced technology has discovered cannot be compared to the immeasurable amount of knowledge that has yet to be grasped. - the sentences of the intro say more or less the same thing, why not reducing them?
Even if I did fulfill my dream, how would I, a little girl who knows nothing, be able to change the world? Would I even make the smallest difference in this world. - I seriously doubt that modesty is very praised by adcoms. So, you'd better replace that "a little girl who knows nothing" with something not that strong, but that still conveys the meaning.
I am merely a small, but sturdy pencil. All I can do is make sure that I'm freshly sharpened and prepared for Him to grab onto and write. - love this part, very original
Hope I helped a bit. I would appreciate if you could help me with my JHU essay and my Carleton supplement, if you have time? :)
Good luck in your applications!
poisonivy
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / JHU Supplement Essay (50 majors across the Art and Sciences schools) [8]
(In a real world setting of course.) - I don't know how useful this is, considering that the ones who read your essay already know that. If you have written it just to sound relaxed and laid-back, its ok, otherwise it doesn't have any function.
Apart from that...Interesting essay and fun to read! Well done!
Could you help me on my JHU essay too? Thanks :)
(In a real world setting of course.) - I don't know how useful this is, considering that the ones who read your essay already know that. If you have written it just to sound relaxed and laid-back, its ok, otherwise it doesn't have any function.
Apart from that...Interesting essay and fun to read! Well done!
Could you help me on my JHU essay too? Thanks :)
poisonivy
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / why tufts - strong psychology department [6]
The Tufts Department of Psychology's dedication to undergraduate research and its emphasis on interdisciplinary learning and practical knowledge - this part is a bit tiring, or maybe it slows down a bit the rhythm. I would suggest you to make it a bit shorter and less like you have copy-pasted it from tuft's webpage (i know you haven't - just to give the idea of what i mean)
apart form that, this piece of writing is great! well done
I wish you could help me a bit with my carleton supplement. those character limits are killing me. thanks in advance :)
The Tufts Department of Psychology's dedication to undergraduate research and its emphasis on interdisciplinary learning and practical knowledge - this part is a bit tiring, or maybe it slows down a bit the rhythm. I would suggest you to make it a bit shorter and less like you have copy-pasted it from tuft's webpage (i know you haven't - just to give the idea of what i mean)
apart form that, this piece of writing is great! well done
I wish you could help me a bit with my carleton supplement. those character limits are killing me. thanks in advance :)
poisonivy
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Carleton short answers - literature teacher, biology, books. [5]
@ letsgetfroyo:
Thank you for your input. :)
1- Yes, with drove I meant push. Does push convey the meaning more? (sorry im international :S)
2- I guess I could replace everlasting with immutable?
3- Could I say "Carleton amazes me with its inherent freedom?"?
@ letsgetfroyo:
Thank you for your input. :)
1- Yes, with drove I meant push. Does push convey the meaning more? (sorry im international :S)
2- I guess I could replace everlasting with immutable?
3- Could I say "Carleton amazes me with its inherent freedom?"?
poisonivy
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Carleton short answers - literature teacher, biology, books. [5]
This is my work on Carleton Supplement- short answers. The character limit has been deadly, so please tell me whether my few sentences are focused enough or too general? Also grammar corrections would always be useful.
Thank you for your help and looking forward to help you back, if you need :)
- Name the secondary school teacher who has most influenced you and briefly explain why. (200)
NAME (Literature)
Mrs X fostered me with an amazing passion. She drove me into deeper layers; she helped me open new doors to my horizon and inspired me to fully emerge in the beauty of Arts.
- What subjects most interest you and why? (Note: This is not a commitment to major in this area.) Characters available 400
Nature and life perfection have always been objects of observation and amazement to me. In Biology, my imagination found freedom and my innate curiosity led me into infinite series of "why"s, which I couldn't always answer. Yet, this has not held me back, on the contrary, it has motivated me to go the deepest I can, maybe to the depths of life where people haven't arrived yet. I have thirst for knowledge.
- Do you have a tentative (or firm) career plan (or dream)? Please describe it. (400)
My everlasting attraction to Biology makes me consider Neuroscience a great possibility for my future. Neuroscience is compatible with my passions, since it blends both humanity and science, both brains and emotions. In a field as Neuroscience, where many potentially life-revolutionizing questions are still unanswered, I am thrilled by the possibility to discover and to make a change.
- Why are you interested in Carleton College and how did this interest develop? (300)
Carleton amazes me with the freedom it radiates. I don't want to simply learn, I want to experience. I want to explore. I want to share my unusual ideas with unique, diverse people. I want to stroll down the Carleton Arb and lay down in the green of the Lyman Lakes, admiring the nature. As Carletonians say "I want to embrace life fully".
- From your reading, whether children's books or classics, what books or authors have particularly impressed you and why? (500)
The place of honor in my bookshelf and in my art-loving heart belongs to Remarque. As I walk through his lines, I feel the innermost importance that humanity has in shaping a person. I love the sensitivity, passion, and philosophies of life of his characters. They all live under the pressure of war and in this atmosphere of anxiety, insecurity, impotence to change the present and to predict the future, they taught me that the only way to live is by loving and being loved.
This is my work on Carleton Supplement- short answers. The character limit has been deadly, so please tell me whether my few sentences are focused enough or too general? Also grammar corrections would always be useful.
Thank you for your help and looking forward to help you back, if you need :)
- Name the secondary school teacher who has most influenced you and briefly explain why. (200)
NAME (Literature)
Mrs X fostered me with an amazing passion. She drove me into deeper layers; she helped me open new doors to my horizon and inspired me to fully emerge in the beauty of Arts.
- What subjects most interest you and why? (Note: This is not a commitment to major in this area.) Characters available 400
Nature and life perfection have always been objects of observation and amazement to me. In Biology, my imagination found freedom and my innate curiosity led me into infinite series of "why"s, which I couldn't always answer. Yet, this has not held me back, on the contrary, it has motivated me to go the deepest I can, maybe to the depths of life where people haven't arrived yet. I have thirst for knowledge.
- Do you have a tentative (or firm) career plan (or dream)? Please describe it. (400)
My everlasting attraction to Biology makes me consider Neuroscience a great possibility for my future. Neuroscience is compatible with my passions, since it blends both humanity and science, both brains and emotions. In a field as Neuroscience, where many potentially life-revolutionizing questions are still unanswered, I am thrilled by the possibility to discover and to make a change.
- Why are you interested in Carleton College and how did this interest develop? (300)
Carleton amazes me with the freedom it radiates. I don't want to simply learn, I want to experience. I want to explore. I want to share my unusual ideas with unique, diverse people. I want to stroll down the Carleton Arb and lay down in the green of the Lyman Lakes, admiring the nature. As Carletonians say "I want to embrace life fully".
- From your reading, whether children's books or classics, what books or authors have particularly impressed you and why? (500)
The place of honor in my bookshelf and in my art-loving heart belongs to Remarque. As I walk through his lines, I feel the innermost importance that humanity has in shaping a person. I love the sensitivity, passion, and philosophies of life of his characters. They all live under the pressure of war and in this atmosphere of anxiety, insecurity, impotence to change the present and to predict the future, they taught me that the only way to live is by loving and being loved.
poisonivy
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "Alzheimer" QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS - JHU major essay [21]
Oh, I get what you mean...I guess i have used the word "humanities" in the meaning human professions - dealing a lot with people.
This may be not correct, just my point of view :)
Oh, I get what you mean...I guess i have used the word "humanities" in the meaning human professions - dealing a lot with people.
This may be not correct, just my point of view :)
poisonivy
Dec 28, 2009
Speeches / What don't you know - a speech to God [25]
It's always a pleasure reading your posts. I liked this essay a lot. Just, as I said above, since I have read many essays of yours, I have noticed in 3 of them (hope I'm not mistaken) this same style of developing your essay - the conversation form. I guess I have seen it in the essay about fetching and in the one about great Gatsby. My simple advice would be not to send to the same university 2 of these kind of essays, because I guess you would want to express that you can write really well (that you do) in diverse writing styles. If these essays go to different universities, then ignore the lines above.
Great work! I would love if you could advice me on my essays (the JHU supplement and the Carleton answers) if you have time :)
It's always a pleasure reading your posts. I liked this essay a lot. Just, as I said above, since I have read many essays of yours, I have noticed in 3 of them (hope I'm not mistaken) this same style of developing your essay - the conversation form. I guess I have seen it in the essay about fetching and in the one about great Gatsby. My simple advice would be not to send to the same university 2 of these kind of essays, because I guess you would want to express that you can write really well (that you do) in diverse writing styles. If these essays go to different universities, then ignore the lines above.
Great work! I would love if you could advice me on my essays (the JHU supplement and the Carleton answers) if you have time :)
poisonivy
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Intellectual Vitality Supplement Essay-String Theory [5]
Ahh the famous Brian Greene! I'm applying to Columbia :)
The essay is flawless. Just one thing, if I were in your place, I would mention something about Stanford too, since that is the school you are applying, not Columbia. This is just a suggestion anyways. nice job!
I would be happy if you could read few of my posts, if you have time :)
Ahh the famous Brian Greene! I'm applying to Columbia :)
The essay is flawless. Just one thing, if I were in your place, I would mention something about Stanford too, since that is the school you are applying, not Columbia. This is just a suggestion anyways. nice job!
I would be happy if you could read few of my posts, if you have time :)
poisonivy
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "Alzheimer" QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS - JHU major essay [21]
@ekfoong
With "all the other answers I'm looking for", what I am doing is practically refer back to the fact I mentioned before:"It is ironic, however, that even now I am not able to fully answer my childhood question." and to all the other questions I list afterward.
About the part: "I once thought that I had one foot in sciences and one in humanities and that I would eventually have to make a choice between the two. Today I have realized I have already made my choice - wonderful enough to blend my two inclinations in a perfect direction: Neuroscience." I have said that because earlier in the paragraph I mentioned that I do all that because I love people - which has to do with humanities. So the mix of science (that i talked about during all the previous paragraphs - biology) and humanities (love for people), lead me to Neuroscience. I hope its clear now (otherwise I guess I have made a mess)
Thank you very much for your feedback. Hope we both get admitted! :)
@ekfoong
With "all the other answers I'm looking for", what I am doing is practically refer back to the fact I mentioned before:"It is ironic, however, that even now I am not able to fully answer my childhood question." and to all the other questions I list afterward.
About the part: "I once thought that I had one foot in sciences and one in humanities and that I would eventually have to make a choice between the two. Today I have realized I have already made my choice - wonderful enough to blend my two inclinations in a perfect direction: Neuroscience." I have said that because earlier in the paragraph I mentioned that I do all that because I love people - which has to do with humanities. So the mix of science (that i talked about during all the previous paragraphs - biology) and humanities (love for people), lead me to Neuroscience. I hope its clear now (otherwise I guess I have made a mess)
Thank you very much for your feedback. Hope we both get admitted! :)
poisonivy
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "Alzheimer" QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS - JHU major essay [21]
I want to submit this essay asap so please help me with a final overview? Thank you!
I want to submit this essay asap so please help me with a final overview? Thank you!
poisonivy
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / My passion for learning and science - Cornell Engineering [15]
A small correction:
Unfortunately, due to pancreatic cancer, hehas passed on.
Also, the paragraph:
As a student of science I can identify the health problems that distress society. As a student of art I see the opportunity to use my creativity to solve these medical quandaries.
I believe this is out of place where you have put it. It does not naturally flow at this point, so I would suggest removing it or implementing it somewhere else (not as a single paragraph)
Overall, i think this is a great essay. well done!
i would appreciate if you could read my essay on this same topic too :)
A small correction:
Unfortunately, due to pancreatic cancer, he
Also, the paragraph:
As a student of science I can identify the health problems that distress society. As a student of art I see the opportunity to use my creativity to solve these medical quandaries.
I believe this is out of place where you have put it. It does not naturally flow at this point, so I would suggest removing it or implementing it somewhere else (not as a single paragraph)
Overall, i think this is a great essay. well done!
i would appreciate if you could read my essay on this same topic too :)
poisonivy
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay on Mount Kinabalu, Sabah [9]
This is 929 words long! That won't be viewed positively by the adcoms. Try to shorten it, make it about 700 at least (for me the best range is 500-700). Then, repost it and ill be happy to read :)
This is 929 words long! That won't be viewed positively by the adcoms. Try to shorten it, make it about 700 at least (for me the best range is 500-700). Then, repost it and ill be happy to read :)
poisonivy
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Kosovo, MIT world you come from? [6]
This is a good piece, however I feel as though it should be more specific. Make it about you, not just about your country.
A motivation that has pushed me to my limits has been the need to contribute to my country's educational system.
How are you going to contribute?
So, basically, mix what you have here with your specific dreams and aspirations for the future. Hope I helped a bit :)
This is a good piece, however I feel as though it should be more specific. Make it about you, not just about your country.
A motivation that has pushed me to my limits has been the need to contribute to my country's educational system.
How are you going to contribute?
So, basically, mix what you have here with your specific dreams and aspirations for the future. Hope I helped a bit :)
