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Posts by poisonivy
Joined: Dec 26, 2009
Last Post: Jan 15, 2010
Threads: 14
Posts: 102  


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poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "Music and sport..." - My common application essay... [17]

I agree that the conclusion must be stronger and must emphasize the connection between the 2 subjects.
Just the problem was that if i say I suck at singing then what connection can i do between it and the hard work/volleyball?
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / math, science, or engineering, CalTech Interest Essay [3]

Are you sure about the initial comparison? I don't know if that is appropriate. Anyway, if you want to use it, you should say "love for food" not "love of food"

You look just a bit like bragging, but thats not always bad, you can come across like confident, just be sure that the rest of the essay doesn't feel like that.

Since it is the beginning, I don't have any other things to say. Good luck.
Please check my posts if you can :)
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "attraction towards Mathematics" - MIT admission essay [13]

This is a great piece. Just you can notice yourself that the last sentence is too long. If revised, it could be like this:
With math one knows no restraint: infinite approaches for solving different problems await to be discovered by bright minds. My potential hungers for its full awakening by the many opportunities, especially remarkable research possibilities MIT has to offer. (here you can add examples if you have characters left)
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "Music and sport..." - My common application essay... [17]

Thanks for trying to help me. I really appreciate it :)
The problem is that I apparently have to choose between music and volley and if I choose volley (because I have more to write about) I dont know how I can link it to the first paragraph and to the rest... So you see, my problem is not grammar expressions, but content... I guess I'll try to figure this out - well, I have to! :P
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / 'I didn't get sick' - NYU Supplements- my summer vacation was... [8]

This is a sincere answer but now a particularly impressive one.
This summer, I was the only one in my family who didn't get sick, so I was stuck at home for four weeks. - this doesn't tell anything about you to the admissions officer, plus why would you be stuck at home if you weren't sick yourself?

I would suggest you to expand either in your church's summer camp or in your visit to Northern California, and tell why that experience was important and why did you get away from it. good luck

Help me with my posts, if you can :)
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "Music and sport..." - My common application essay... [17]

Ah if only I could do something about this essay! I do not know how to handle it yet, since I will have to revolutionize its content and I have no idea of how to do that! As soon as I have an idea of what to do with it, I'll post the new version...
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Poverty and lack of education in Kosovo - personal, local, international concern [4]

which can be traded back for thousands of years
i think you mean "traced" instead of "traded"

However, the recent war in 1999 has reflected devastatingly to its economy and population. Even today when 10 years have passed the marks of the destructive war can be seen on the faces of more than 1.4 million unemployed people, a 50% of the whole population . - that make up 50% of the whole population or simply, half of the whole population

Pain does not begin to cover it, agony and misery was what they reflected. There was knowledge of a cruel life, and signs of more experience than even adults have.

Poverty has spread over Kosovo, changing people form the human beings to creatures who strive to survive.

In a place where developing academically country instead of place should sound better

It is a lamentable to see potential instead of "a lamentable" should be "terrible" or some synonym of that

I think that is all about editing. About content, im afraid to say you have overdone it a little bit. I mean, of course you know much better than me, but, seeing as an outer person (as the adcom who will read this essay is) I want to find more hope and optimism. Of course, im not saying that you should portray things as beautiful or in progress. Just dont emphasize too much on black, if you know what i mean. You especially have to cut a lot the second paragraph, i think its too long and emotional.

Hope I helped and ill be happy to read the completed and revised essay.

Could you take a look at my essay titled "music and sports" if you can? :)
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "Generous toward international students" - Swarthmore essay - Why Swarthmore? [3]

However, it was far from the top of my list.Yet somehow it survived all cuts and made the final list, although I still knew very little about it. Frankly, it was not until I started writing this essay, that I realized what a fabulous college Swarthmore is and how much I would like to study there.

Absolutely remove the first line. Do sth about the lines in italic too. You should be very positive about the college you are applying to, you should tell them that you know a lot about them because you are very interested, not the contrary.

Also: Since I could not visit any college in person, I had to rely only on internet. is not so good as a first sentence, pick something stronger for that.

beautiful campus with so many trees, gardens and flowers (especially Amphitheater and Crum woods look awesome on pictures )
when you say beautiful campus you include trees, gardens and flowers. look awesome in pictures-they already know you haven't seen the campus live, so there's no need to say that.

All these wonderful features practically force me
force me is not appropriate. you could say for eg: make it impossible for me not to apply to...

Hope I helped. Could you help me with my posts please (esp. with the "music and sports" one)? :)
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app Activity essay - international event [9]

I used the "would" form in order to tell that what I am describing has happened many days. Putting it all in the past simple would be like I am talking about something that has happened only once, thats why i havent used that.

thanks and im looking forward to read your full essay about Kosovo! :)
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "attraction towards Mathematics" - MIT admission essay [13]

I dont know the math program at MIT but there must be something special about it. Be more concrete: the question is why the department of x major at MIT appeals you, not why math generally appeals you.

Can you help me with mine please? Faleminderit :)
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / SLU: Most Influential person- The Fabled Mrs. Bilinski [8]

If I am not mistaken, I have already commented once on this essay and I see no big changes. Anyway, my idea is that this essay needs to be more essay-like and not simply describing some phases... I dont understand the part of the football coach? Unless you make a useful tie to your idea, you can cut it off. Don't give much details about your classes, your course load etc, detail your feelings and emotions.

and she laughed t me and said "Isn't it a little late to be asking?"
Here you have a "t", so i guess you should improve it before submitting.
good luck, please help me with my posts if you can :)
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app Activity essay - international event [9]

Waking up at 6 AM and, in the midst of a particularly unpleasant December rain, running to catch the bus - all these were repaid when feeling the inviting smell of cappuccino through the halls. I would open the door of the conference room and feel the warmth of smiles; eventually, I would also hear the laughter when trying to reply all the greetings through the choppy Turkish, Czech, Macedonian and Greek I had learnt during those few, memorable days.

The Network Meeting organized by x was unforgettable for me in many ways. During these last months - memories are still fresh - I organized and brought to life an international event. Between leadership trainings and excursions, what I cherish the most is the atmosphere - that kind of atmosphere I always want to be part of - expanding outlooks, sharing culture, languages and dreams, cooperating to envision a bright future.

Any comments, suggestions? Be as harsh as you want :)
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / my funky shoes - COMMON APP ESSAY. thoughts? [7]

I would suggest you to make it a bit more emotional. it should be a small essay after all. including facts is really good, because they want to see something concrete. Though, don't make it like you are simply restating the resume.

Another thing, the common app. asks you to talk about 1 activity, while here you talk about two. Choose one, the one who is most important to you, and elaborate more on it.

Hope I helped. I would appreciate if you gave me some advice in my posts, please? :)
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Grandfather's Influence - Princeton Supplement [5]

Nice essay idea. I just dont understand why the introduction and the second paragraph tell the same thing - that your grandfather sent you a squash and you were angry? What is the meaning of that repetition?

Also, in the ending, I would suggest you:
and I hope that one day I will be able to sow my own garden, and give someone else a squash on their 11th birthday-it was the most meaningful and appreciated gift I have ever received.

You kind of have stated that it was the most meaningful and appreciated gift, so you dont need to repeat that. Or if you want to state that explicitly, state it somewhere in the body of the essay but not in the final sentence.

Hope I helped. I would appreciate if you could help me with my posts :)
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / page 217 - man on the plane [8]

I am curious, what do you intend to major in? You have great writing skills, i have loved reading your posts.
The only thing, i agree with eskape. make the reader understand more about you, its your autobiography after all...
also, i love the fact you have not ended the last sentence. so original :)
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "Alzheimer" QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS - JHU major essay [21]

Hi, thank you for your feedback. :)
Actually the "yet" i have used is in another meaning:
"It is surprising that science with its galloping techniques has got no answer to these questions. Yet."
I have linked the word "Yet" with the previous sentence to say that now there is no answer but there WILL be one. i hope that is not confusing...
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application: My sister [4]

Interesting introduction. Try to keep the same flow in the next paragraphs. To do that, describe more vividly, use more imaginery.
Also, about grammar, there is some fat to be trimmed. For example:
Her birth has been a challenge with many hard times.
I made the decision (decided) to be there for her because I want her to have the best childhood ever.
Also, I dont understand in the last sentence: "These are the qualities that I rely on, this and my love for my sister." what does the "this" in bold mean? I think you should improve that.

Hope I helped. I would appreciate if you could help me in my posts too, if you could :)
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Columbia Engineering short answers [5]

Nice both of them. Regarding to the first, why not be a little more specific about which community service programs that Columbia offers impress you the most?

The second is great, very specific. The only thing: remove the and after the ; in the last sentence.
I would appreciate your feedback to my posts, if you could.
Good luck with you applications :)
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "Alzheimer" QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS - JHU major essay [21]

This is my JHU essay on the topic:

"Alzheimer." I opened the piece of paper where I had secretly scribbled this word.

During those 30 long minutes, that was the only word I could guess was important since it was repeated so often. Unfortunately I could neither catch the meaning of the doctor's analysis, nor translate something useful from the worried expressions of my parents. I was desperate for an answer.

Infinite "why"s did I ask to myself for a long time... I could not understand why my grandmother would sometimes forget my name. - I anxiously typed the word "Alzheimer" in my search engine. - I was not able to explain why she would start a sentence and then suddenly interrupt herself, unable to continue her thoughts. - My insecure finger pressed the "Enter" button in my keyboard. - Nobody could give me a plausible answer, so I was left alone in the midst of fears and assumptions. - I clicked to the first result of the list in my computer screen. - Now I wanted to find out.

At the time I was twelve years old. Now I am seventeen: older, wiser, more mature. Today I understand what Einstein meant when he said that everything is relative. Those 45 minutes practically seem years when I have to solve relativity problems for my Physics class, while they pass as a gentle, brain-refreshing breeze when I am emerged in those truly beautiful class discussions in Biology. During four years of Biology classes throughout high-school, I have experienced the excitement of discovering things that hooked me, the possibility to provide answers to many questions and a natural curiosity to find out even more. I have run through the centuries and millenniums to discover humans' origins; I have discovered what hides within a single drop of blood; I have slipped by the double helix to decode life. It is ironic, however, that even now I am not able to fully answer my childhood question.

What are the neural causes of Alzheimer disease? How can it be treated? Moreover, why do we dream? What are the emotions? How are the memories stored? It is surprising that science, with its galloping techniques, has got no answer to these questions, yet. This simple fact, instead of holding me back, motivates me. My curiosity and thirst for knowledge always recharge me. They lead me into a never-ending series of why-s that form a seemingly vicious circle. With every answer I give, I am a step closer to the depths of life where science hasn't arrived yet...

I am excited about how much there is yet to be discovered, but, truthfully, what I am most excited about is how important these discoveries would be for the people. People. I love people. They are my inspiration: my grandmother, my family, my friends, my world is made out of them. I once thought that I had one foot in sciences and one in humanities and that I would eventually have to make a choice between the two. Today I have realized I have already made my choice - wonderful enough to blend my two inclinations in a perfect direction: Neuroscience. I am thrilled by the possibility to discover and to make a change in people's lives. I am ready to put all myself in this mission, but I know that in order to achieve it, I will have to be mentored by a top University in my chosen field. This is an issue whose answer I have found: Johns Hopkins. Now, I believe that Johns Hopkins will help me find all the other answers I am looking for...

Please edit/cut it mercilessly. Thank you :)
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "Music and sport..." - My common application essay... [17]

Thank you Emily for all the revising, it must have taken a lot of time :)
Actually, my intention was to make the first paragraph a bit funny and self-ironic, that's why i have said the first sentence and continued to mix some achievements with some not-really-achievements but who are part of who i am. The idea of sounding pretentious or giving a resume is the last one I would want to get through. I'll definitely remove the whole sentence "I have once published a book with narrations and I am in love with foreign languages." because I want to make the first paragraph sound more laid-back. What do you think?

The final paragraph is definitely to be improved.
Also, the problem about removing the music part is that I cannot think of a good transition to link the introduction to volleyball only. Any suggestions?

Thank you again a lot. You have been so helpful! :)
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "cooked pig intestines" - Common App Essay [5]

You write so well! During the whole essay it was like I was feeling what you were describing! Your title could be something related to the "taking a chance" idea. Great work :)

I would appreciate if you could help me with mine, please?
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / fetching - my favorite word! [4]

oh this is an interesting essay!! you write pretty well! i dont know how this will work in your application, but this sheds light to your originality. :)

Could you check mine please?
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / best advice - what and why? [7]

This is such a nice essay! My fear is that it isn't much focused in the topic. Don't elaborate so much on the first two paragraphs. The advice is the thing that should spot and the way HOW you dealt with it to have the results you have now.

Good luck :)
poisonivy   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / 'aeronautical engineer' - Common app. main essay: character in fiction! [7]

hi! well, im starting to get frightened, this is the second essay i am reading about "the alchemist" (and believe me, i havent read many essays) and mine is about the alchemist too... i hope that this book isn't so widespread in essays that it looks, otherwise... where are you going to apply?

Anyways, about your essay... Try to review the first paragraphs, they are so short (sometimes just one sentence), so combine them.
Also, trim the fat. For eg. "I was given the book "The alchemist" as a birthday present." isn't something that adds much to your essay.

I like the way you compare Santiago's desire to travel with your desire to study airplanes. DO modify your conclusion. Remove the direct speech and make a strong ending.

Hope I helped. :)
poisonivy   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay: Fictional Character... Dreams Are My Nuts and Bolts!! [15]

omg my essay is about the Alchemist too! Not the main one, but the one of the supplements (Yale, Brown etc.) Where are you going to apply?

And I was wondering, is The Alchemist a widespread topic about essays? I mean would an adcom be like "oh another one of these..."?
poisonivy   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay about Crust Punks [3]

Hi. Overall this essay gets to the point. Though I would suggest some changes
I find this sentence a bit too unexpected: "However, I was not doing these things for myself, but rather to fit in with my new friends. I may have believed in my actions, but it was not for the right reasons." Try to make the transition more subtle.

Also, work a bit with the ending. Reword it into something more powerful.
Good luck :)
poisonivy   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / U Chicago essay (my own prompt) "Are you free?" [7]

It is a nice essay...i just hoped it would be a bit more focused. You spread a lot in the meaning of free or not free. Also, in the conclusion try to state an idea of the essay and not just close the situation about the friend.

Also, the 1st sentence of the 3rd paragraph needs rephrasing. dont make it so bookish.
good luck :)
poisonivy   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "Music and sport..." - My common application essay... [17]

I guess im going to cut that line about foreign languages in the introduction and try to rephrase the ending.
my problem is, does the body of the essay look messy because of the fact that I have mixed volley with singing? I just thought the ideas flowed...should i cut any of them (volley or singing) out or is there any other way i could solve this?...
poisonivy   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "Music and sport..." - My common application essay... [17]

Hey xtremewishes, thanks for reading. Well, it is a common application essay and i have chosen "essay of your choice". I think the key word of this essay is passion but i cannot figure a good title...
poisonivy   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "Music and sport..." - My common application essay... [17]

Hey guys, this is my common application essay. I would be really grateful if you could suggest me any revisions and also a title for this essay (since i think it doesn't fall in any of the given topics) Thank you! :)

Modestly speaking, I am blessed with many good qualities. I can solve Olympiad level math problems and can prepare the best spaghetti alla arrabiata in the world. I can do up to 20 push-ups, and I take care of my grandma when she is alone. I am able to tie my shoelaces in a unique way and I always get to sleep with a book, possibly "The alchemist" or one of Remarque's novels, lying on my chest. I am capable to hold a passionate discussion with my dad about the world's problems. I have once published a book with narrations and I am in love with foreign languages. I am not the tidiest person, but when I do decide to clean up the house, it gets all spotless and sparkly.

For one thing I feel sorry. I can not sing. I would love to be able to produce tender, heart-melting, passionate, powerful sounds from my larynx. I feel music is inside me, just probably too inside to ever be able to pop up. Though, I do not surrender. I have discovered that something becomes really impossible only when you cease trying to make it possible.

My memory doesn't let me down when it comes to evidence. Volleyball. Once I was just a figure to fill up a position, static. First I thought that simply I wasn't cut for volleyball: one can't possibly be good at anything, right?... Though, deep inside I felt passionate for that 270 g ball with white, blue, and yellow stripes that would take off from a wonderful set and beat the center of the field. I would love the smiles, the enthusiasm, the team gathering, the shout "Ace" that would come from their hearts and echo in my ears. I wanted to be a part of it, I really wanted...

"What in the world was I thinking?!" - That's what crossed my mind when I saw myself in the middle of the field, with balls thrown from every direction: a nightmare. The very first day of training I hurt my finger, and the next day it became like a round, violet sausage. My sane, critical thinking was telling me to quit. With all due respect, I decided not to listen to it.

Sweat. Twisted ankle. Aching muscles. Exhausted among pull ups and dips, core stability exercises and power push-ups ... Still strong head. There had to pass a few, not particularly easy months for me to notice some changes. Today, two years later, I still stand there, in the center, under a rain of angry balls. The difference? I know how to handle them. Some will come past me nevertheless: I still have much to learn, much to improve. Still, I am excited at the thought that, day by day, I am pushing the limits of what I once thought I could or couldn't do.

Some may think that music doesn't have much to do with this experience, since it is an innate talent and not something to achieve by hard work. Though, I believe that even this does have a solution, a way. If the vocal chords in my larynx aren't particularly well suited to emit a melodic tune, skilled fingers and a music loving heart will do. I am always thrilled when I hold in my hands a guitar and feel its breathtaking sounds overwhelm me. My melodies are far from perfect, but that doesn't even matter to me. I am happy to have found a way to express my amateurish, yes, but nonetheless deep passion for music.

Music and sport... So different, yet there is one thing that makes them synonyms to me. Love. With it in my heart, I will defy gravity, I will push the envelope, I will find a way.