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Posts by shuynh4
Joined: Feb 4, 2010
Last Post: Apr 17, 2013
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Posts: 4  
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From: United States of America

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shuynh4   
Apr 17, 2013
Scholarship / More than one career choice/ Social worker+My own business; Career Goals(SCHOLARSHIP) [3]

"Throughout my life I have always had a passion for helping others and I believe I can accomplish that by majoring in a field like social work and a minor in health management. See usually people focus on one career but me I have two that I could see myself doing excellent work in. "

Instead, you should word your intro like this:
"Throughout my life, I have always had a passion for helping others. I believe I can accomplish that by majoring in a field such as social work, and a minor in health management. Typically, people focus on one career. I have two that I could see myself doing excellent work in."

I understand what you are trying to talk about throughout your essay, although you need some work on sentence structure as well as fixing a few grammatical errors. Other than that, your essay is really good!
shuynh4   
Apr 17, 2013
Scholarship / I have a plan to major in advertising or journalism; Scholarship/ Personal Statement [3]

Your intro paragraph, especially for a paper that is key in receiving a Scholarship, should NEVER begin with "First of all". When using a transition like this, you want to start it off in your second body paragraph. Here is what i suggest:

I have a plan to major in advertising or journalism. For two years, I plan to learn the basic knowledge of communication,and graduate with an Associate of Art degree from Seattle Central Community College. In addition to that, I intend to transfer to a for year University to greatly focus on my major, and hopefully earn (Insert whatever degree you wish you earn). My short term plan is participating in various club activities. as well as volunteering outside of school, and earning good grades to transfer successfully. Furthermore, if it is possible to gain more knowledge in the University I plan to attend, I participate in any internships that are offered in my course work of study. Therefore, my ultimate goal is to work in the domain of broadcasting, so that I can communicate with the public through mass media.

Things you need to work on
- Sentence structure
- Grammar
shuynh4   
Apr 17, 2013
Undergraduate / Challenge to prove myself; statement of motivation for information engineering [5]

Your essay is written very well and sounds very convincing. However, I would suggest that start off your fourth paragraph differently. Starting with "all of these" sounds unprofessional. Instead, you can start off with something like this: Being paraplegic has never stood in the way of me reaching my goals.