Undergraduate / "It's just a matter of time and intelligence." - Ethical Dilemma [15]


It was sophomore year actually.

Oh... I should be clearer. The teacher saw me looking at her, so he thought I was cheating. -.- Th irony.

Essays / Extended essay on sustainable vs. green design ideas [9]

This article will definitely help you understand the differences:

qualifiedremodeler.com/print/Qualified-Remodeler/Green-vs-S ustainable--Discerning-the-Difference-/1$922

Sustainable designs just last long even if it is bad for the environment.
Green is self explanatory (but not necessarily sustainable)
Sustainable AND green is THE way to go. :)

Undergraduate / UC prompt1: describe your world and how it shaped your aspirations... [14]

Thanks everyone for your help!

I was wondering if I would recycle this essay for the following prompt:
"In a world where technology continually adapts and progresses, Harvey Mudd College expects that our students will be aware of the impact of their work on society. How would you use new advances to improve your life and/or the lives of those around you? Describe your idea and its potential impact. Feel free to be as creative or as practical as you like."

Would it work? From these apps, I learned that it's best to right a "universal" essay that will help answer several college prompts at once so that you won't have to write over and over again. :)

Undergraduate / "The soloist" - Something important that didn't go according to plan [11]


Yeah, but the prompt box I'm supposed to answer in only allows normal text: no bold, no underline, not italics. :( Yeah.. pretty lame.

Kevin, I tried revising as you advised. Does this sound better?

The beat of my restless heart reverberated throughout my head.

I'm not supposed to be here!

My sweaty hands gleamed from the fluorescent lights as my fingers nervously twitched on the silver.

Of all days, why did she become sick today?

The soloist had contracted the flu last night. Although as first chair I was told to prepare for the piece also for good measure, I thought it wouldn't happen. I was hardly prepared for such an exhibition and hated performing in front of staring eyes; my stage fright and the pressure were excessively nauseating. What if I make terrible mistakes? What if - the lights dimmed.

Oh, no!

Thunderous applause greeted conductor as he majestically marched toward podium and motioned my presence. Reluctantly, I stepped forward and bowed to my doom. My mouth trembled as I slowly held my flute to my lips.

Okay. Take a deep breath. Forget about the audience. Just make the right embouchure, and let the music flow - You can do this!

I began the Meditations. Fortunately, I recalled by heart its mellifluence when the original soloist had rehearsed with us. The euphony of the accompanying harmony soothed me. I closed my eyes and immersed myself into the familiar melodies; I soon forgot my tension and worries...

As I concluded with a smorzando, the audience let out a sigh of contemplative relief. Their heartfelt applause filled me with self-confidence and pride. Since then, through meditation and self-encouragement, I conquered my fear of the stage.

Oh my god! I read that article you linked, Kevin, and it explains that dilemma I've been feeling so well and concisely. I commend that article! :)

Essays / Extended essay on sustainable vs. green design ideas [9]

Well, I would think this one would be an easy one. Take a side. Is going green better than simply going for the sustainable, more efficient devices? Take a stance and argue for your side. Try this - it should give you some ideas how to start.

Undergraduate / Subsonic Delight, something that you find fun or humorous (Caltech) [8]


This is merely an exaggeration emphasizing my childish ways when I was young.


Must it reflect on who I am? I'm sure many of the pranks other people pull of do NOT reveal their true characteristics...

But thanks for the advice anyways... I definitely don't want to seem truly "evil." :] Maybe just in a playful way.

Essays / Extended essay on sustainable vs. green design ideas [9]

I would suggest researching these topics on google first. Then find several examples of each kinds of design and talk about them. Talk about which ones is more economical ore environmental-friendly or easy to implement or profitable. Talk about these things.

Undergraduate / "What makes us fathers and sons" - UF (Meaningful Event) [7]


I think this better incorporates your real legal :] name into the sentence.


The second phrase is a fragment. You could combine it with the first one:
"My parents told me that the government had mixed up my name when we moved from China to the US."


I hear many people say this, but I don't understand why it's "wrong." Its grammatically correct and, when used correctly, can yield powerful sentences... But if you insist:



Hmm... I'm not quite sure when you say "to escape clarifications" ... Are you saying "to escape the hassle of explaining the origin of your legal name"? I'm sorry.. :] This sentence isn't clear.


You can simply combine the two quotes.


Now this I advise against: Don't start your sentences with "but". If you really need a contrast, you should use "however" or "nevertheless." In this case, I don't think you need that contrast.


I think splitting up that sentence like this will make it flow smoothly.


Wow. :) Nice job startling the reader with that surprising fact.


You might want to explicitly state what those characteristics are. The reader might not know what you are exactly saying by "Chinese characteristics." I'm Korean (Ok. Not exactly Chinese) and I don't know what you mean by that.


I think you are doing alright with this. You can improve though. You can continue and explain what those differences mean.
In the paragraph after, you do a nice job explaining how you managed the shocking information and the "moral" you learned.


What do you mean by the italic phrase? Besides the confusion, I think this will be a great concluding sentence for the previous sentence.


I don't think every essay has to relate to the college experience. Just as long as you adequately explain the experience's influence on you, you should be fine. Unless, of course, the prompt (which I just realized you haven't supplied) tells you to specifically do so.

Undergraduate / Mae Jemison; historical figure influenced you and explain that influence [24]


Well... I was wondering if you guys could almost pinpoint what I am going to say about this person. I was wondering if you guys could tell that I admire this person not just because she's an influential scientist but because she's an influential scientist with venerable qualities...

Thanks for your thoughts, anyways! I really appreciate your help! :]

Essays / Fall is the season that causes people to feel low - how to write introduction? [3]


I don't really agree, personally. Too me, it is one of the best seasons. Right between summer and winter, the weather is almost always "just right."

For your thesis, don't state "most feel low..." because many of the readers may find otherwise. Simply just say "while some like fall ... others think that fall makes them feel low... etc"

Do you see what I mean?

For the body paragraphs, think of reasons why fall would make someone feel low and enervated. You could even use scientific facts if you can find them. Experience with others can also help.

Essays / Essay Topic : Hope. (What does that mean?A final exam essay topic! Just Hope.) [3]

Woah!... First off, let's keep the profanity down. Swearing won't get you answers.

Personally, I find the more vague, the better because you have a wider range of options. I see that you wanted to write about "Hope." Just reflect on your past and think of the experiences that gave you hope. It could be doing well on your first test or winning a small game of chess. It doesn't have to be epic. Just find out the small things that give you hope, pull out an experience from the back of your head, and write about it. Write about what happened, how the experience gave you hope, and what you learned from it.

For "Lessons," think of something foolish you did.. or even something stupid someone else did. How did your/their actions affect others? What did you learn from you/their actions?

For "Open your Eyes," you should take this metaphorically. When you open your eyes, you see things you didn't see before. When was the last time you had that feeling? Maybe its a stereotype you always believed until an experience showed you that stereotypes are, in fact, almost never true.

Hope this helps.

Writing Feedback / No matter if it's original, more important is how useful is this idea for the people in a new way? [5]


I totally agree :]


Here, you don't specify what the "it" is. I think you should word it like:
"But, most importantly, what does "novel" mean?"


Saying both statements is a bit redundant. Also, its often best not to have the reader refer back to a previous statement.

somethingone that was never thought before or something old put together in a new way?[/quote]
Hmmm...what are you trying to say here? I'm a little confused...

... Overall, I think you have some good arguments, but I feel that you should stick more to the side that originality is simply re-inventing old ideas. In the end, the way you put it, you say the originality should be based on its "usefulness," but I have to disagree... I think you should still somehow incorporate into your idea that originality still includes some aspect of "new."

... Do you understand what I mean?

Undergraduate / "edit our profile" essay explaining why you don't wish to complete this assignment [8]

I think the best way to go about this essay is by creating your thesis about stalking and its effect on you. You shouldn't necessarily think that you have to directly address the question your teacher gave you. You can talk about your experience like how you told us and elaborate on how it impacted you. Then you can explain why you are afraid of posting pictures of yourself, etc. This way you will actually be answering the teacher's question while telling a story about yourself. This all is just a suggestion though. :)

Undergraduate / Best advice essay on "Hakuna matata" (from The Lion King) [4]

I was going to have some sentences rephrased as I read along... but I think I have a better idea to lower your word count. As I read your first paragraph, I thought your essay would have to do with finding rewards or some alternative to rewards. However, right after you talk about your advice. To me, the first paragraph seems to be out of context in regards to the essay as a whole. If you don't mind, I suggest that you cut the first paragraph out of the essay...

Undergraduate / "It's just a matter of time and intelligence." - Ethical Dilemma [15]

Thanks for the comments. I tried following your advise while cutting down on characters to get my second draft:

Undergraduate / Explanation on which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why [17]

I tried rewriting this essay. Here is the draft:

Given that I have only 100 words, I tried to fit my initial inspiration here... but I don't think I included references to MIT well enough...

Undergraduate / "College In My Thirties" - the positive or negative aspects of coming to college [3]


Hmm... This is not exactly a complete sentence. Also, it seems a little abruptly introduced into the paragraph. How about:
"Through college, I can pursue the jobs that I truly enjoy."

Undergraduate / "The soloist" - Something important that didn't go according to plan [11]


I'm still not sure about the first one, but do you think my new version adequately addresses what I learned from the experience?

The beat of my restless heart reverberated throughout my head.

I'm not supposed to be here!

My sweaty hands gleamed from the fluorescent lights as my fingers nervously twitched on the silver flute.

Of all days, why did she become sick today?

The soloist had contracted the flu last night. Although, as first chair, I was told to prepare for the piece also for good measure, I thought it couldn't happen. I was hardly prepared for such an exhibition and hated performing in front of staring eyes; my stage fright and the pressure were excessively nauseating. What if I make terrible mistakes? What if - the lights dimmed.

Oh no!

Thunderous applause greeted conductor as he majestically marched toward podium and motioned my presence. Reluctantly, I stepped forward and bowed to my doom. My mouth trembled as I slowly held my flute to my lips.

Okay. Take a deep breath and forget about the audience. Just make the right embouchure, and let the music flow. You can do this!

I began the Meditations. Fortunately, I recalled by heart its mellifluence of the piece when the original soloist had rehearsed with us. I closed my eyes and immersed myself into the familiar melodies. The euphony of the accompanying harmony soothed me. I forgot my worries...

As I concluded with a smorzando, the audience let out a sigh of contemplative relief. Their heartfelt applause filled me with self-confidence and pride. Since then, through meditation and self-encouragement, I conquered my fear of the stage.

Writing Feedback / Learning from books or from experience ? What is your opinion? [9]

Oh! I should have given some examples... Thank for filling in, Kevin! :)

Undergraduate / UC prompt1: describe your world and how it shaped your aspirations... [14]

Here is my newest version of the essay.
I split of the introduction and tried to make things a little clearer.

The glow from the screen reflected off the whites of my anxious eyes. My fingers twitched on the mouse as I uneasily scanned the code I had meticulously engineered the past hour, and my head jerked from side to side as I nervously reviewed the textbook. The cursor hovered over the icon, and I covered my eyes as I made the fateful click. What seemed like years had passed when the computer finally screeched its shrill beep. I peered through my hands, afraid that my painstaking efforts would yield a mere "Compilation error." But to my utmost relief, I read that fateful phrase: "Hello World!" At age eight, I discovered my passion for programming.

Since that revolutionary incident, countless people and factors have molded my personality and perceptions of the world. My parents selflessly partook of my rigorous education and academic integrity; they offered the roof under which I worked, struggled, and accomplished for the past sixteen years. My swim coach infused in me determination and perseverance; she provided the friendly pool where I developed my talents and self-esteem. My music tutors taught me the poignant harmony between mind and soul; through my flute and piano, from lush lullabies to magnificent symphonies, I was imbued with emotional wholeness. All of these people taught me that the successful person always helps others and undoubtedly fashioned my aspirations. However, it was my helpful friends who most shaped my life dream to help others while pursuing something I love to do.

During the current Information Age, my friends and I indulged in engineering and computer programming. Initially, our similar interests were conducive to details and ideas that would improve homework efficiency and experimental safety. For example, many of our classmates struggled when balancing chemical equations; because disproportionate ratios of chemicals can lead to disastrous explosions, my friends and I set off to develop an interactive program that would graphically guide the users through step-wise calculations to the correct solutions. Although the endeavor was extremely challenging and required weeks of planning and compiling, my friends helped me drudge through difficult code until we yielded the final result. Through our software, our classmates avoided chemical accidents and performed better on homework and tests.

This success inspired my friends and me to sophisticate and utilize our expertise to assist others in productive and safe education. Together, we decided to market our talents. Computers are indispensable to current education, so we addressed users afflicted with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, a serious illness of aching wrists due to excessive computer use. While my friends designed the appearance and structure of a comfortable forearm rest for typing, I crafted a user-friendly program that adjusted the height and positions of the device. Such a gargantuan task was impossible to complete solo; when I needed assistance, my friends would pause their labor to help find bugs in my software and condense my code. Our finished product received Semifinalist standing in the National Engineering Design Challenge, a competition geared towards the development educational technology for handicapped people.

Without my friends, it would have been impossible to acquire the satisfaction of helping others achieve the full potential of education. My friends' selfless assistance and our accomplishments inspired me to continue, through computer programming, to develop effective and productive technology.

Undergraduate / "The soloist" - Something important that didn't go according to plan [11]

Thanks for the comments and advice. I'm going to need to revise it; I also thought it was lacking somewhere..

Oh, not that Meditation. The one by Massanet (originally for violin)

Undergraduate / "outstanding abroad program" - Short answer to BU application. [3]

I first became interested in Boston University my junior year of high school. I started researching the university because of its reputation for outstanding abroad programs. I also adore the exciting city of Boston; there is always something to do there, including enriching internships. Another reason I became interested in Boston University is because of the school's reputation for an exceptional intellectual atmosphere. But one of the most appealing characterizesqualities that interested me about Boston University, is its sheer size, which allows for outstanding diversity and a wide range of courses.

Hmmm... You have a lot of reasons for going to BU. I agree with every one of them ^^ (I went to BU for an internship. I loved how the campus was dispersed throughout the city.) However, I think you should stick to one and develop it. By sticking with one and elaborating on the steps you took to find out more about BU, your short answer will become much stronger and substantial.

Undergraduate / "to major in the Medical field" - Application essay (the Ohio State) [3]

This essay is ok... However, I feel that it needs a little more substance. Instead of naming many reasons why you want to join, I think its better to just name a few and fully elaborate on them. Here, you say that this college will make you more individual, make you a leader, fit your personality. You also say that this college is close to your home, but far enough away, and that it is famous for its medical programs. You have so many reasons that you don't have enough room to develop them. Instead, you should pick a few and expound them. You say that you are a leader. How are you a leader? What do you do that makes you a leader? How do you act that shows that you are a leader? How will this college make you a better leader? You say that it fits your personality... But what is your personality? How does it fit? How will this make you a better, independent, and well-rounded individual? Keep these questions in mind when writing these essays. :] Overall, its a nice try though. Don't be discouraged.

Undergraduate / Listening to classical music: something I do for the pleasure of it (short answer) [12]

Oh! The guitar is very nice. I especially love the Gentleman's Concerto for Guitar by Rodrigo - it's a masterpiece!

Undergraduate / "My mathematical expertise" - part of my nature I am most proud of [6]

Thanks for the comments. I also think that the best way to go about the problem is to somehow fuse the two ideas together. I'm going to work on that now. :]

Undergraduate / Mae Jemison; historical figure influenced you and explain that influence [24]

I considered all of your advice and tried to revise my revision of my intro... If you don't mind, could you critique this one also? Thanks!

From this introduction, can you tell me what you think the main idea of the essay will be?

Undergraduate / "My mathematical expertise" - part of my nature I am most proud of [6]

Hmmm... I think you are misunderstanding my main idea...My main point was that I love to teach... not that I'm an obstinate learner. That sentence was just an introduction to a small anecdote that would lead to my main point... Am I not doing this right? -.- ... If you don't mind, could you take a look at the actual essay I took this from? The prompts were similar, so I tried to recycle it so that I wouldn't have to write a new one: https://essayforum.com/undergraduate/obstinate-learner-quality-experience-18146/

Oh - and another question:
Is "a love for teaching" considered a personality?

Essays / personality type essay (stress on thesis statement) [3]


Well... I agree that an essay is not exactly like a story, but it should definitely incorporate one to support your thesis.

As for your thesis itself, it is very generic. Rather than saying that they are the worst kind of friends to have, think about what it is about them that makes them unfavorable. Try to come up with a more specific theme. Maybe fair weather friends are disloyal at times. Or maybe they live in greed or selfishness. An example of a more specific thesis would be: "Fair weather friends are often not friends at all; they are leeches that bask in greed and prey on the good will of others." Something like that could work. I would say that the more specific the thesis, the better. But don't get so specific that you can't even write a paragraph about it.

Writing Feedback / Learning from books or from experience ? What is your opinion? [9]


Let's clear a few things up. :]
First, when you're using commas, you only put a space after it: "life, "
You don't need one before the comma.
Second, I think that you can better word the last three sentences. When you say "But which way is better?", the reader has to read forward to see what you are talking about. Instead, you should combine the sentence with the next ones: "Some people believe that learning from books is better, but I maintain that learning from experience is more effective." or something like that.

Overall, very nice. You added a nice example here to support your thesis. I would say that once you improve your grammatical skills even more, you will able to write very well.

Undergraduate / "say curiosity and determination" - Stanford essay: Note to Roommate [8]


Not you, but "me," right? :]


... Or am I misunderstanding the sentence?



I'm a little uneasy about the conclusion though... I don't think you explained very well who you want to be. Overall, the letter is nice, but you can improve it by adding a specific experience or two to support your virtues rather than saying how you view things... Do you sort of understand what I mean? :]

Also, I think you can scratch the last sentence... to me, it feels a little out of place and tone... Maybe you can continue your voice: "I hope to discover the words that describe you." or something like that.

Undergraduate / Explanation on which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why [17]

Thanks for the comments.
Here is my second attempt at this prompt... Do you think it answers the question effectively, or does it seem more like a distraction? Just in case, I'm also working on another version and will post that also soon...

"Hello, world!" The journey through unchartered pages of unfamiliar language left me a weary programmer; I warmly welcomed the realm of Computer Science and Engineering. In this utopia, boredom is cured and...

Undergraduate / Explanation on which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why [17]

Alright. Here is my attempt at this prompt. Do you guys think this suffices?

"Hello, world!" The journey through unchartered pages of unfamiliar language left me a weary wanderer; my tired yet inquisitive mind warmly welcomed a whole new world. I was forever intrigued by its boundless frontiers; it houses a plethora of applications to entertainment and productive technology. In this Utopia, boredom is cured and idleness eradicated; there is no darkness but only the enlightenment of the mind. Within the fingertips, I can dissect the neuronal algorithms that give life to the glowing black box before me. My manifest destiny lies in the realm Computer Science and Engineering.

I'm not sure if this does the job...

Undergraduate / "dedicated to the arts" -A significant experience: New College Admission essay [4]

Hidden out of sight, nestled among a collection of shady oaks on the outskirts of Gainesville Florida, resides a small elementary school. For one who is unaware of the school's existence, that persononeWhen using "one" in a sentence, you must stick with it throughout the sentence would barely notice it as theyoneIf you don't like the way this sounds (I don't either :), I suggest replacing the first "one" with "the person" and changing "they" to "he" (It's okay to stick to a gender, as long as it's constant) drove by, for its generic outwardThis word seems a little redundant appearance looks as everyday and ordinary as any other building. However, in the eyes of one who knows bettermy eyesYou do know better, right? Otherwise, you wouldn't be writing this. :) Then, it's more succinct to use "my eyes", this small school is so much greater than it seems.

Expressions Learning Arts Academy holds a special place in the hearts of all who ever attended the schoolof the student , for its special character helps cultivate and reveal the student'shis personality. The curriculum is unique, blending the traditional courses of math, language arts, and science with art, dance, drama, and music. Its miniscule <-- To me, this word doesn't sound right... Try a different one.class size (only about fifty to seventy five kids during my time)creates a family and allows the teachers there to be approachableaccessibleand create a family . I am exceedinglyforever grateful for the intimate and personal school experience Expressions provided, for it helped me discover not only a love offor art, but alsoWhen using "not only," "but also" always accompanies ti. the importance of a community.

At this point in my life, I am dedicated to the arts. I have taken anIn order to leave room for art classesof some sort every year of my school career, even taking myI postponed required electives duringto the summer, online, to leave room for additional art classes in my schedule . Beyond the world of pencils, pottery, and paint, I have also been dancing for fourteen years and have auditioned for and participated in plays. (Perhaps I would have found this passion for art on my own, but) <-- I'm a little confused here... you're saying that you could have discovered your passion without Expressions, then saying that Expressions helped you explore your passion... I think it's better to leave that part out... Expressions certainly helped unlock that door and provided guidance in exploring those areas. Ms. Sarah, the art teacher, encouraged her studentsme(I know what you are saying, but I think its better to keep the relations more personal. It will make the essay a little more powerful) to see the world in new ways, and to create and express ourselves. I learned there, that, while words may fail, art can offer a novel way to portray our feelings and ideas in ways before thought impossible . One can adequately show the beauty and the chaos of one's mind, when trying to explain that same idea with words can fall short.Art can often achieve what the word cannot: reveal the beauty of the mind.This is just a suggestion. The previous one was worded awkwardly... However, I'm not sure if you should keep it at all; you're pretty much repeating what you said the previous sentence :]

More than just instilling in me thatthe source of wonder and enthusiasm for art, Expressions was a family, teaching us studentsme to see and accept our peers for who they truly are. When I happen uponcome across my old classmates now, it is sometimes surprising to see how far we all have come,and how different we all are. An outsider looking in sees that we all run with different crowds and would assume that we have nothing in common besides our familiar school history. B, b ut I know better. Expressions allowed me to become comfortable with who I am, for I encountered no ostracism for being different or unique, and learnedto learn the value of connecting with people who can accept you for who you areothers . Expressions has helped me learn to make my friendships based on someone's true valuevirtues , not on what others think or say about a person. Expressions also taught me loyalty. My friends that I made in grade school are still some of my closest friends today, despite time and distance<-- What does that mean? I'm a little confused by "time.", and I hope that this remains true with my high-school friends.

While some may wonder if a grade school can have such an impact on a child, I assure you that if you were to ask any other alumni from that marvelous school if they feel roughly the same, they most likely would agree. The experience of growing and learning in such an accepting environment, with people who are eager to support you on your quest to explore opportunities that the world holdsthe world is a special thing. Because I went to Expressions Learning Arts Academy, I am now a confident individual, and artist, with the ability to accept others, because I have learned to accept myself.

I think you can work on your conclusion to make it stronger. You should especially try to fix the first sentence of the conclusion; you should try not to use the word "you" in your essay, because the reader might not feel that way. :] Overall, nice job though. You do well on elaborating on an idea. Might I suggest that you also add a specific experience or two to support your main idea? Maybe a lecture or an experience with schoolmate... This would make your essay even stronger.

Undergraduate / "I'm a salsa student" - Stanford supplement commonapp- Roommate note [4]


When I see this, I see many sentences crushed together. Don't be afraid to make shorter sentences! Sometimes, by dividing long sentences into shorter ones, ideas can flow much more smoothly.

So, here, I would rephrase the sentence:
"I love to meet people around the world; I'm member of a community world called CouchSurging.org, where I guide the travelers that visit our city. I've accommodated foreign people in my house, sharing foods, languages, cultures, and dances. Through the variety of people, I learned about their tastes; for example, people from Europe don't enjoy chocolate with cheese while my countrymen savor it as breakfast."

I took a few unnecessary ideas and words out. Remember to focus on your main idea.

Undergraduate / "a career in the science field" - Admission for Biology/Pharmacy [2]


I was at loss with words when I was trying to find the right word, but now I remembered! Such a simple one too -.-

Undergraduate / interest in and knowledge of solar energy: what you find intellectually engaging [4]


Nice beginning. :] At first, I thought you were talking to me... then I realized that I'm a guy. :)



Overall, the essay is ok... but I feel that you are just saying this... For example, you might add specific examples of your research experience and maybe explain how you plan on going about your endeavor.