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Posts by freezard7734
Joined: Aug 4, 2010
Last Post: Dec 8, 2010
Threads: 17
Posts: 209  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 226 / page 4 of 6
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freezard7734   
Aug 25, 2010
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplements-Guinea Pig & Thought process essays. [6]

Relish doesn't seem flow very well in this context for some reason, but it may just be me

I also agree. I think rewording it would be better:
"At first I was slightly annoyed, but I began to enjoy the challenge."

With this new perspective of learning, I am certain that my mind can explore possibilities never imagined. I could conduct ground-breaking research on the transformation of undifferentiated stem cells or unearth why multiple sclerosis is more predominant in the Northwest. There is promise toin any endeavor to which I commit toBy doing this, it sounds smoother... to me at least :] at Stanford University, as long as I keep asking questions.

I find that this conclusion is a little lacking in that you so suddenly introduce these specific research topics. I think you should try to add a sentence explaining why you chose these specific topics.

I see that you've also revised you're conclusion:
"On that day I learned a new way to think. Rather than seeking out an answer, I began investigating the many corridors and staircases infiltrating my mind. As a result, I unearthed small fossils of knowledge overlooked by my peers. After much thought I began to grasp that these overlooked clues can guide me to infinite discoveries. With this gift, I will to enter the laboratories of Stanford University on the mission to make great strides in stem cell research by examining the voyage from undifferentiated cell to specialized cell. During this inspection I'll be on the hunt for trace amounts of new data. Someday I will reveal the answer to this mystery, as long as I endlessly scour the passages of my brain, and always, always ask questions."

In my opinion, I like the original better. You just have to improve the transition into the research topics. This conclusion makes it sound like you are kind of straining to deliver your message. For example, I'm not sure what you are saying by "investigating the many corridors and staircases infiltrating my mind" and "fossils of knowledge overlooked by my peers."

You may not know this, but being the oldest child in a family is somewhat like being a guinea pig. On May 17, 1993, by whichever mystic force selects birth order, I became that guinea pig. I'm always the first to try a new experience, and once complete, to offer my brothers advice. I've been the one to ease their transition into high school, a first date, and the act of shaving. I've always cherished this position in the family, but as my move-out day quickly approaches, I now look for the counsel I have so often supplied.

I totally agree! :) I sometimes hate it too - how all my brothers reap the benefits from me.
freezard7734   
Aug 25, 2010
Undergraduate / Mae Jemison; historical figure influenced you and explain that influence [24]

XXXX became your idol because your commitment to the field in which XXXX is an authority.

Oh - one thing though. I forgot to mention this earlier. I didn't look up to this person necessarily because she was an authority in the field I am pursuing (computer science and electrical engineering as opposed to aeronautics, etc). I idolized this person because of her virtues: intelligence, determination, philanthropy and because she showed that the successful scientist often demonstrates these values. So I was trying to generalize this observation from aeronautics to scientist, since the computer and electrical engineer is a scientist too. Do you know what I mean?...
freezard7734   
Aug 25, 2010
Undergraduate / Listening to classical music: something I do for the pleasure of it (short answer) [12]

The morning sun dimmed, and the atmosphere grayed. As I was whisked away to my rural childhood, and my chair transformed into a lonely stone in the midst of lush pastures. As the ...

I made this change so that you would not start 2 consecutive sentences with "as the"

Yeah. I now see that. :] Thanks.

My sister wants me to buy her an electric violin. Recommend any particular type or brand?

Hmm... Well, I'm not a violin player, so I wouldn't really know what to say. I just like watching or hearing people play the violin. I actually play the flute and piano.
freezard7734   
Aug 24, 2010
Undergraduate / Mae Jemison; historical figure influenced you and explain that influence [24]

Yeah, it can be like this: XXXX became your idol because your commitment to the field in which XXXX is an authority.

Wow. Now that you put it that way, I understand what you mean. :)

I would not want to change anything. I see not errors.

Thanks for the encouragement! I'll be sure to help (and, perhaps, inspire :) as many of the others I can.
freezard7734   
Aug 24, 2010
Undergraduate / Change in academics- a responsibility I'm willing to take and conquer. [5]

It's getting better.

For another chance to boost my GPA and to gain the intellectual knowledge for college, I took the opportunity to participate in a few AP classes and the greater chance for learning.

This sentence is a bit long and convoluted. Try to split it up.

In my particular class of AP Language and Composition

Here, the reader will know that you are talking about a class :]

You seem to talk about your teacher. To strengthen your essay, you should add a specific experience with him that will support your essay. Maybe, in one or two sentences, tell us a specific incident with you teacher that revolutionized your view of academics.
freezard7734   
Aug 22, 2010
Book Reports / How should i start... my essay on Romeo and Juliet? [3]

35 out of 50

Don't be discouraged! :] Romeo and Juliet - *sigh... I remember those (rather boring) days! :)

Romeo and Juliet are star-cross'd lovers'; they are not in control of their own destinies

I would say that the best way to go about this essay is to look specifically for facts and evidence in the story itself that will support that it was fate that caused their death. One example would be the plague - in the play, the plague forces the priest (was he called the priest?) to detour around the city to inform Romeo about the plan to elope him with Juliet. However, Romeo was hasty and unfortunately the priest could not deliver the message in time. That might be one example. You could find plenty more :]

Once you do this, try to write a killer introduction for your essay, with the thesis saying that Romeo and Juliet were indeed star-crossed lovers.
freezard7734   
Aug 22, 2010
Undergraduate / Mae Jemison; historical figure influenced you and explain that influence [24]

Hey, Kevin. Do you think this essay suffices? I mean, compared to my other ones, I think this is one of my worse ones -.- Furthermore, this is the Common App essay? I was thinking about completely rewriting it. Could I get some advice? Thanks.

For now, I revised a few parts of the essay to try and improve it. I would be ever so grateful if anyone could comment and criticize it. Thanks!
freezard7734   
Aug 22, 2010
Undergraduate / Listening to classical music: something I do for the pleasure of it (short answer) [12]

Here is a new version. I tried to follow much of the advice given above. Thanks to everyone who has helped me!

My throat clicked as I watched the bow dolefully stroke the rosined hair; my eyes glimmered with nostalgic tears as my ears absorbed the violin's tender melodies. As I was whisked away to my rural childhood, my chair transformed into a lonely stone in the midst of lush pastures. As the dulcet tones subsided, I calmly reminisced my past and forgot the present. In this world, I had no burdens or worries. Classical music so intensely inspires and relaxes me that I regard it as the ultimate form of indulgence.
freezard7734   
Aug 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]

A long sentence helps communicate how involved you were in the process, and how fast the internet runs, but I'd consider breaking off the YouTube fragment. Make a new sentence... to the tired eyes of a Stanford reader, this is a run-on.

Well... technically, it isn't a run-on. I purposely made this sentence longer than the next one to build up suspense. The next, shorter one would release it all... Maybe it's not working -.-
freezard7734   
Aug 22, 2010
Undergraduate / Listening to classical music: something I do for the pleasure of it (short answer) [12]

I agree. The preceding text is too descriptive to end do abruptly. Write a more deserving conclusion. Perhaps something along the lines of: Classical music so intensely evokes feelings of inspiration and gratification in me that I regard it as the ultimate form of indulgence. Just a suggestion.

Thanks for the suggestion. I changed it a little bit to accommodate the word limit:
"Classical music so intensely moves and inspires me that I regard it as the ultimate form of indulgence."

Sidebar: On top of competing with me for a spot in Stanford, you are also competing with me for 1 in MIT???? I do not like you. :)

I looked at your other threads and saw that you are also applying to Cornell and Princeton. A LOT of competition :]
freezard7734   
Aug 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "the recollection of our time together" - stanford supplement roomate essay [10]

Huh? I thought the prompt read:
"Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your roommate-and us-know you better." - I got this from the Stanford Website:
freezard7734   
Aug 21, 2010
Undergraduate / Listening to classical music: something I do for the pleasure of it (short answer) [12]

We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it.

I adapted an excerpt from one of my other essays for this prompt. Do any of you think it effectively answers the question?

My throat clicked as I watched the bow dolefully stroke the rosined hair; my eyes glimmered with nostalgic tears as my ears absorbed the violin's tender melodies. The morning sun dimmed and the atmosphere grayed. As I was whisked away to my rural childhood, my chair transformed into a lonely stone in the midst of lush pastures. As the dulcet tones subsided, I calmly reminisced my past. This contemplation is just a daily dose of classical music. For this reason, I purely indulge in listening to classical music.
freezard7734   
Aug 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "Scientist In Action" -- UIUC Academic Essay [3]

Unfortunately, I didn't spend too much time

I strongly suggest spending a little more time on this. The last thing you could want is getting reject from a backup because you didn't put enough effort into its application.

As I paused at the window, watching her gaze at a computer screen that was harvesting the energy of powerful x-rays to observe molecules at the atomic level, questions inundated my mind.

Who is here referring to? The wording here is a little awkward too. I suggest splitting the sentence up into two.

A physicist of Argonne National Laboratory was conducting a tour of the Advanced Photon Source, and s he

Maybe a typo? If it is, disregard the first question on the second note above. :]

I want to see differentiation, stoichiometry, phospholipids, Newton's laws, and other textbook concepts manifest themselves practicallyreal life .

I want to apply what I know by creating something with raw materials that is cost effective and that also unravels problems, fights diseases, and benefits others.

You don't need commas here since you're describing with the object immediately with the words "with" and "that."

One more suggestion: Try to add smoother transitions between the paragraphs. It is a bit jumpy to me.
freezard7734   
Aug 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "the recollection of our time together" - stanford supplement roomate essay [10]

Like Thodd Rumman, I beli

Add to comma for the pause between the phrases.

Like Thodd Rumman I believe that it's the common things that make relationships enjoyable but the different things that make them interesting."

Where does the quote begin? Just a slight error :]

A rabid extrovert, I a

Again, use the commas.

A fun person, I also love trying out new things and meeting new people.

You seem to make a habit of not using commas. When you begin with a description of the subject and then immediately talk about the subject, you need a comma to separate the two phrases so that the sentence doesn't run on.

Always ready for a laugh, I can guarantee

At the end of our tenure of togetherness, I hope we will remain in touch and always smile at the recollection of our time together.

I believe that, here, you are misusing the hyphen. Generally, you use the hyphen to add a usually digressing thought to the sentence. For example:

I'm going to pack sandwiches for the picnic - Oh! It's raining!
Something like that.

Overall, the essay is nice. (Does it have to be a letter? I don't believe that Stanford required a "letter" for this year. For me, I just wrote an essay. :/ ) However, I think you should add transitions between each paragraph. The essay seems to jump around with different thoughts. I would suggest sticking to one special personality and elaborating on it.
freezard7734   
Aug 20, 2010
Book Reports / Huckleberry Finn Symbolism Essay [7]

Having a theme is not only crucial, but will also make the essay much easier to read and write. A thesis of "Huck Finn has many symbols," to be frank, is not very interesting. Instead, you can incorporate these symbols with an overall, more specific message. You are still discussing the symbols and their representations; you are just going further by using them to support your thesis. Do you get what I'm saying?
freezard7734   
Aug 19, 2010
Undergraduate / Change in academics- a responsibility I'm willing to take and conquer. [5]

When I had first entered my freshman year, my priorities were in making friends and in enjoying myself, but in the end, many of those friends had been distrustful as, and the enjoyment had deeply affected my academics.

Don't overdo your commas. It can convolute your sentence and sometimes give your sentence a different meaning.

When the summer had arrived, it occurred to me that I'd be leaving tofor college in less than two years, and. T o make my family and friends proud, I would have to work with determination, assinceit is my future is in my hands.

Looking back at my junior yearnow , it was worth the those long nights of endless works and caffeine to keep me awake, it was all worth the work as; I had almost gotten straight A's and moved up in classes to challenge myself.

You seem to have trouble with commas. Remember, if your listing only two things, don't pull out the commas. Only use them when you're listing more than two things. Also, if you're combining two sentences with a conjuction, you need a comma before the "and" or the "but", etc.

I acknowledge the fact that change is inevitable, but making that change to benefit myself and my future is a responsibility I'm willing to take and conquer.

freezard7734   
Aug 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "the beauty of the universe" - my first college admission essay [3]

I had always just ignored people when listening to music

When I read this, I feel that it has a negative connotation. Instead, may I suggest:
When listening to music, I was oblivious to people around me.

It felt as if I was in a completely different world, one with peace and tranquility a world I could easily identify with

This sounds a little awkward, especially at the end. Are you trying to say:
"I felt as if I was in a completely different world, a tranquil one that I could easily identify with."

As I looked to see what it was I observedbeheld the most extraordinary sight that I had ever laid my eyes upon.

Sounds more dramatic to me ^^

It was not the planes or the helicopters. It was, but the beauty and serenity of the starry night sky.

Here, to me, "but" more fully neutralizes the suspense built up by the word "not."

Illuminating the dimness and bringing forth radiance.

Whoa! This is an incomplete sentence. Be sure to fix this:
"The stars glistened like shiny diamonds scattered all throughout the dark sky, illuminating the dimness and bringing forth radiance."

Suddenly thoughts came rushing to my head one by one: How were these shimmering stars created? How was the universe created? What was the purpose of these many stars? Is there intelligent life elsewhere in our vast universe?

I was compelled to discover the answers to these questionsand many more .

It seems unnecessary here...

I needed to discover the secrets of the universe and everything in its seemingly infinite quarters.

I'm confused by that part... Could you explain what you mean?

However this appeared as blasphemy tome; I refused to accept that our perfect orderly world, our sophisticated existence, and our entire universe was created by simply one big bang. There had to be a more plausible answer, and my stubborn mind would not let me ignore it.

I don't know... to me, it seems a little awkward. Ignore what? :/

Was it fate that I happened to observe the beauty of the universe that night, o r was it just a coincidence?

the ultimate truth.

I'm a little troubled by this statement. What do you mean by "ultimate truth"?
freezard7734   
Aug 19, 2010
Undergraduate / committed to achieving success / my family: MY FIRST UCF COLLEGE ESSAY [5]

Oh I see. For 2), definitely try following the advice I gave above.

For 3, try to do the same. Be specific. What about UCF distinguishes it from others in your eyes. Don't plainly say, "it is beautiful." Try to look into the programs they offer. What do you want to major in? How will UCF help you achieve your future goals? Try to answer these questions specifically, and you should be fine.
freezard7734   
Aug 19, 2010
Book Reports / Huckleberry Finn Symbolism Essay [7]

One problem I see here is that you are pretty much saying the same thing throughout the paragraph.
For me, I would make the "general statement" the theme of the essay. What is the main idea of your essay? Surely, it is not just "Huck Finn has many symbols." Try to find a thesis that will utilize these symbols to substantiate itself. Surely, there is more than one theme in Huck Finn besides the one I mentioned above. If you are really stuck, take a look at Sparknotes. (Don't be afraid to use it. Even though many teachers disapprove of the website, I think it is extremely useful, although by no means comprehensive.)
freezard7734   
Aug 19, 2010
Undergraduate / committed to achieving success / my family: MY FIRST UCF COLLEGE ESSAY [5]

Ever since I was little we moved around quite a bit. I have lived in eight houses in two different states and attended seven schools in my sixteen years.

Sounds like me :]

One thing you can definitely work on is adding specific experiences and relating to them. Think up of a main idea - how did your family influence you? Give a specific example and relate it to your thesis.

Just a question, are these short answers or full essays?
freezard7734   
Aug 19, 2010
Undergraduate / An obstinate learner, Personal quality/Experience that is important to you. [9]

Thanks a lot for the advice!

2009 was the first year I lead led a team of four of my...

Woops! Mistake on my part :]

I myself love

I wanted the myself in there in order to show the contrast. Before, I said I didn't like teachers, but right after, I said that I love teaching. I wanted to emphasize this contrast. :]
freezard7734   
Aug 19, 2010
Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]

No. By pure math, I meant the math where you assume the world is perfect. When you start getting into the knitty-gritty details of the environment, you would use "applied" math, where you apply the pure concepts to the real world, and statistics. Like geometry is considered a pure branch of math, but you can expand on that to accommodate the structure of spaceships and buildings, etc.
freezard7734   
Aug 18, 2010
Book Reports / Huckleberry Finn Symbolism Essay [7]

Could you first tell us what the inverse triangle method is? I'm curious now :]

I think the best way to go about this task is to determine your main idea. Usually, it would be a theme of the book. For Huck Finn, one theme can be "society and its standards constrains one's freedom." Then you would search for symbols; you would use the interpretations of the symbols to support your thesis. For example, you could say that the Mississippi River represents freedom for both Huck and Jim; Huck can live his life freely with nature and Jim can escape the treacheries of slavery. For me, this is the sure way to go :]

Good luck!
freezard7734   
Aug 18, 2010
Undergraduate / Common Application-First Aid: making a difference by joining the medical industry. [10]

first aider

I'm not sure if that is a proper word. I tried looking it up on Merriam Webster and received no results. Maybe "life saver" might sound legitimate and more dramatic :]

Well... after reading your essay, you seem to refer to "first aider" a lot. Could you tell us specifically what job you held? Maybe a lifeguard or a nurse? I think that using a specific job instead of first aider would make your essay better. Or were you just a passerby?

By helping her to breathe, I learned that I helped her survive.

That part is redundant. Just state that you were the hero. Sounds better than you learned that you were the hero. :)

Overall, I think this short answer is nicely written and well structured. It's not the most flamboyant or beautiful piece I've read, but it definitely gets the job done. :) You've included a specific example and used it to develop the main idea, that you want to help others and save lives.
freezard7734   
Aug 18, 2010
Graduate / "Career vision" vs. "most passionate about" - what is the difference? [10]

Also, all of these insights in this thread made me think of the DIFFERENCE between what you want to 'be' and what you want to DO every day.

I completely agree! This reminds me of what my physics teacher always told the class :] He was a wise guy.
freezard7734   
Aug 18, 2010
Undergraduate / UC prompt1: describe your world and how it shaped your aspirations... [14]

Yeah... I had trouble with the first two paragraphs. I felt like I was splitting the introduction into two. Instead, I'm going to try changing that sentence and merging the first two paragraphs, since the last sentence of the second one actually encapsulates the whole idea of the essay. Here is the revised introduction:

The glow from the screen reflected off the whites of my anxious eyes. My fingers twitched on the mouse as I ...

How does this look?
freezard7734   
Aug 18, 2010
Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]

Yes. But the way I worded it, I made it say that math is necessary for studying electricity. I didn't intend it to be the other way around, because, as you notice, it would be quite ridiculous :]

I'm still tweaking this essay a little... I'll let you know if I have more questions. *Whew!... applying to colleges is just like a course by itself.
freezard7734   
Aug 17, 2010
Undergraduate / An obstinate learner, Personal quality/Experience that is important to you. [9]

Here is the prompt:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate the person you are?

This is a rough rough rough draft -.- . I still feel that things are lacking and hope that you guys can help point out my weakness. Thanks a lot!

I am an obstinate learner. Ever since I began schooling, I would bombard teachers with a myriad of questions in hope of unveiling the world around me; however, my inquiries often culminated in a disillusioning admission to ignorance. Because they could not always offer answers, I despised teachers when I was a small child; however, as I matured, I found that I myself loved to teach, whether it be history riddles or science conundrums. Through my endeavors, I learned that teaching is an audacious profession. While training his apprentices, the teacher hones his own pen (of erudition) to fend off the armies of enigma. No other venture offers the gifts of experience and the gratification of bestowing priceless knowledge. Teaching is the noblest deed a person can partake of in his lifetime.

When I received my first Great Book of Math Puzzles, I was delighted by the challenge. For several days, I drudged through hidden messages and logic maps; I was extremely excited when the puzzles were finally deciphered and urgently gathered my family to share my findings. Although my brothers and parents replied with an indifferent nod, I could not contain my discovery. I felt compelled to share my knowledge with others; I had discovered my love for teaching.

Eventually, I established teaching as a minor hobby. I would tutor my brothers and friends in homework and prepare younger students for tests. All this time, because I was familiar with my pupils' curriculums, I was prepared for any attack. Confident of my capabilities, I decided to volunteer at Hopkins Junior High's math circle; however, to my surprise and shame, I often could not immediately answer every question thrown upon me. There, I understood the reactions of my former teachers to my enigmatic questions.

Through the club, I learned that the great teacher learns with his own students. Although initially embarrassed, I gradually grew comfortable admitting my ignorance and enjoyed struggling with my students to unearth the mathematic mysteries. By cooperating and conversing about the potential solutions to various problems, I not only expanded my expertise in algebra, geometry, and combinatorics but also discovered the rewarding satisfaction of having toiled and accomplished together.

2009 was the first year I lead a team of four of my top students to the states round of MathCounts; furthermore, it was the first year that the Hopkins math circle had ever sent a member to compete nationally, a prestigious feat which only four middle school students from each state can achieve. I was extremely honored to have coached this team. Through this experience, I overcame my fear of ignorance and learned to be proud of my passion to teach. I had tasted the grandeur and pride of the teacher.
freezard7734   
Aug 17, 2010
Essays / ''Money create happiness'' people get satisfaction when they can do what they want [7]

'' money create happiness''

I strongly disagree. I suggest that "money does not necessarily create happiness." I know many instances where wealthy people are not happy with their lives. For example, take the classic story about the Christmas Carol. Sure, money can make achieving happiness easier, but it definitely does not create it.

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