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Posts by freezard7734
Joined: Aug 4, 2010
Last Post: Dec 8, 2010
Threads: 17
Posts: 209  

From: United States of America

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freezard7734   
Aug 16, 2010
Undergraduate / Essay for my father, who influences me a lot. [8]

For my father, education is a means to a higher quality of life, not a richer life.

Whoa :] Here, someone might interpret this, because, "richer" can also mean "higher in quality." Instead of richer, you should use "wealthier."

Though it might have been possible for my father to venture into the world of business, in the hope of staying close to his family, he instead chose the career that he really enjoyed and could be pursued close to his loved ones.

Try to make it sound like it was difficult for your father to choose the "right" decision:
"Although my father wanted to venture into the world of business, he decided to stay close to home and chose a career that he enjoys." Would this be alright?

The way he does and thinks make me want to be a person like he is.

Perhaps, a better way to say this is:
"My father inspired me to imitate his personality and leadership."

I feel confused too. I want to focus on"the way he does and thinks make me want to be a person like he is", and I became part of Student Union is a way to build relationships with others. However, I think my father's character occupys a large part. But I don't know how to shorten it, because I think these information are important...

That is a small problem that can be fixed easily. You talk a lot about your father, about what he is like. Then you say that you dream to become like him. I think you should add how you became like your dad, what you did to imitate his honorable ways, how you worked to achieve a reputation like your fathers. This could help your essay out. :]
freezard7734   
Aug 16, 2010
Undergraduate / I have tried to be the best son in the world (applying to some IVY schools) [11]

Saying is one thing and doing another.

Very true ^^. I want to comment on this quote though. I think it should be catchier, since you are using an aphorism to kick off your essay. Imagine you are Benjamin Franklin and how he would say this. In other words, try to be wittier :]

I left for Australia to travel and to learn English when I was 10 years old with my agents.

This sentence is suffering a misplaced modifier. This happens when you take a prepositional phrase and put it the wrong place, making the sentence have a slightly different (or sometimes, hilariously different ;) meaning. I think what you are saying is:

"I left with my agents for Australia to travel and to learn English when I was 10 years old."

I was really happy to get out ofescape my parents' eyes and I played Halo, which was the bestmost popularX-Box game at that time, every day.

Some corrections. I also noted that you have a habit of starting a lot of your sentences with "I." Not to be offensive, but many find that boring. You should vary your sentences, using simple, compound, and complex ones throughout your essay. This will liven your essay up.

When I heard my mother's voice say, " Son, are you fine? How about food?,"

This is the first time I ever felt really family love because the love is hard to recognize important people when they are around, but it is easily recognized when they are not around.

Here, I'm not sure what you are talking about here. This sentence is very convoluted. Try to divide this sentence into two and to make them clearer.

Some parts feel very cliche-y.

I think so too. But don't fear. Even if this kind of story sounds familiar, the best way to personalize it is to elaborate on it, as Quynh said. Elaborate on how you made them unhappy at times and why you felt love at that point in time. Remember, only you know all your experiences and the reader doesn't, so you will have to fill us in on that.
freezard7734   
Aug 16, 2010
Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]

I see what you mean now... I always thought that quality and quantity were sort of opposing ideas because so many teachers demand "quality over quantity," so I was confused :] I think what I should say then, instead of yin and yang, is that one discipline is indispensable without the other:

"... mathematics is indispensable to the study of electricity. Only through the conciliation..."
Is this (metaphorically) more sound?

Thanks a lot for your help!
freezard7734   
Aug 16, 2010
Undergraduate / UC prompt1: describe your world and how it shaped your aspirations... [14]

Thanks for the advice and comments. I was just back from vacation and now completed this essay. Please criticize its weakness and help improve the essay. Thanks :]

The glow from the screen reflected off the whites of my anxious eyes. My fingers twitched on the mouse as I uneasily scanned the code I had meticulously engineered the past hour, and my head jerked from side to side as I nervously reviewed the textbook. The cursor hovered over the icon, and I covered my eyes as I made the fateful click. What seemed like days passed when the computer finally screeched its shrill beep. I peered through my hands, afraid that my painstaking efforts would yield a mere "Compilation error." But to my utmost relief, I read that fateful phrase: "Hello World!" Then, I was only eight.

...
freezard7734   
Aug 10, 2010
Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]

I'm a little tight on space right now. But I thought the body and conclusions paragraphs might have cleared that up:
"I found that the qualitative electrical knowledge I had amassed did not suffice"
"thorough study of electricity is impossible without the quantitative analysis only mathematics provides."
Should I be more direct?
Thanks.
freezard7734   
Aug 10, 2010
Undergraduate / RISD essay- if you can eliminate one thing from the world what would it be? [4]

First, the technical stuff:

ItGasoline was called black gold when people actually made stable incomes from gasolineit .

cipe for a BP oil spill.

Not everyone knows what BP is, so spell it out the first time.

Now the Real Deal:
I would say you would be great at rhetoric. But I also have to say that this essay is sometimes a little vulgar. Remember, college admins are going to read your essay, so you don't want to use "God" in vain and freely vituperate the US government and corporate businesses, and you especially don't want to give a first impression of a vituperating maniac. :) Tone it down a bit. Otherwise, I applaud your rhetoric. Oh, one thing though - when you list out the reasons why gasoline is bad, be sure to give specific examples to support your reasons.
freezard7734   
Aug 10, 2010
Undergraduate / "me giving back to the community" - UC Prompt #1 Help [9]

I know I need to include a thesis and maybe m...

I was going to say, "Where is the thesis," and I read this :)

Ever since I was a kid, (<-seems "child like" and doesnt fully flow) my life has been changed through numerous experiences ,obstacles, and people.

It's not childlike. If used correctly, it can be a life-saver. In my opinion, a strong introductory sentence should always be in the active voice. So instead, you can write:

"Ever since I was young, countless experiences, obstacles, and people molded my life."

While some kids had life easy,(I'm not clear how this relates with the following statement. Instead, what do you think about my suggestion) My life was not easy; My parents carriedenforced and embedded the "Earn it" mentality of "If you want something, then you must earn it" into me.

This is the other suggestion: How about "Earn it" instead of 'If you want something, you must earn it." To me, it is much more concise, and I think it is self-explanatory. Just a suggestion though :]

Although growing up was far from effortless, often filled with tears of my dreams being shattered, and I was constantly engulfed in the fear of failing to live up to my parents expectations and wants, I knew that there were always people that were suffering more than me.

This sentences is very wordy. I think it would be better if you split them up into two sentences.
freezard7734   
Aug 9, 2010
Poetry / 1 sense poem 'When I'm at the beach I hear... [9]

Besides, 6th and 7th lines are too long for a poem.

Whoa! Lines too long for a poem? Ha :) That's the first time I've ever heard someone say that, no offense. :]
In my opinion, if the lines fit with the rhythm and flows smoothly (Although I'm not a poet, to me, a good poem has rhythm and flow - that's why I don't really like Whitman :), then it works, regardless of its length. But right now, I have to agree with Azeri. You could develop your lyricalness. Imagine that you are actually there at the beach, and imagine that you are describing it to a person who has never seen a beach before. Describe it so well that the reader himself can imagine that he is there with you at the beach. Make it sound like you are singing, so be sure to keep the flow and rhythm in mind.

btw, I don't want any rhyme.

Aww... I like poems that rhyme. :)

what should I write next?

That's for you to decide. Think of every, single possible minute details of the beach, write them down, and arrange them into your poem. That could give you a good start :]

And, most importantly:

What is your goal? What you want to say by simply describing beaches? I see only beautiful words joined togehter, but as a reader, I would like to sense something unique that belongs to you, that demonstrates your attitude. Everything that you wrote is quite obvious and does not require broad imagination or deep thinking to understand. I don't know if I managed to convey my thoughts, but this is what I got from your poem.

Every poem has a "thesis," even if it is as simple as "life is beautiful." From this poem, what overall message do you want to convey? If you are simply describing the beach, without certain reason, then this poem is not a poem, but as Azeri said, descriptive verse.

I have one suggestion though. You could take out "When I think of the beach" and simply start describing the beach. It will sound more lyrical and the reader will know, if you add more specific descriptions, that you are referring to the beach. :]
freezard7734   
Aug 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "me giving back to the community" - UC Prompt #1 Help [9]

Ha :) Yeah, I'm still working on my recent essay, which is actually the same prompt you are working on right now. I had the same trouble, but fortunately, I'm out of the mire now :). But I assure you that the method I explained to you works almost all the time. Once you have your thesis and main infrastructure, how you want to architect your essay - that's entirely up to you :)
freezard7734   
Aug 9, 2010
Writing Feedback / Children may be stimulated by some new subjects and enjoy a more colorful and meaningful childhood [4]

I agree that subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of every child's basic education. The reasons are that children might be stimulated by some new subjects, can enjoy a more colorful and meaningful childhood, and may have more opportunities in the future.

Assert your opinion more forcefully:
"Art, music, and drama should be a part of every child's education"
Although you might be saying the same thing, the latter is much stronger and will better entice the reader.

The reasons are that children might be stimulated by some new subjects, can enjoy a more colorful and meaningful childhood, may have more opportunities in the future.

In my opinion, but this seems a little bland. You can take out "The reasons are" and instead write, "By extending education as so,". Both are saying the same thing, but, to me, the latter sounds less clichéd... (Whoa!! I just realized that this text editor had a spell checker! Awesome! Just corrected my Woah to a Whoa. :)

They have the possibilitiesopportunities to show the distinct talent in some fields, which may have not been discovered before.

Second, though some people say it may exhaust children under the burden of subjects or even ruins their precious childhood,

This sounds a little awkward to me. Let me try to rephrase it:
"Second, although some argue that the burden of extra subjects exhausts children or even ruins their precious childhood,..."
How about that? :)

You know, more and more adults feel kind of boring and meaningless when they look back on their childhood, just with toys and comics.

No, I don't know. :) When writing formal essays, you should never write "as you know" or "you know" or "you may know" because the reader may not know. :) Instead, you can just take out that phrase, which will leave you with a more agreeable and stronger statement:

"Nowadays, more and more adults regret frittering away their childhood with toys and comics instead of engaging in art or music" (I rephrased it a bit too. I think it's more succinct and effective.)

NowTherefore, (This gives a smoother transition from the previous sentence) if subjects aboveart, music, and drama (One thing a lot of readers don't like is having to read back :) are involvedincluded in the children's basic education, theychildren (Here is an ambiguous pronoun. It could refer to the subjects art, music, and drama. So you want to clarify that and use 'children' instead) can have more choices to enjoy a colorful childhood.

Third, starting to learnlearning these subjects at an early age provides more future opportunities.

Again, it sounds more succinct :). Once you've learned, you already started to learn. So if you can say the same thing with less words, why not chose the phrase with less? :)

he gotearned an extra grade in the entrance exam of university. What a lucky dog!He was very fortunate to have been exposed to music at such an early age.

Remember that this is a formal essay. Try to avoid using casual expressions.

ConsequentlyFurthermore , children will be more competitive in the future when they educateddevelopsome distinct skills early.

You would generally use "consequently" if there is a cause-effect scenario going on. But I don't see one; instead, you are adding to the fact that children will receive more future opportunities. So "Furthermore" will work better in this case.

For both short-term and long-term benefits as I discuss above, subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of children's basic education.

Again, try to avoid the "as above" part, and develop your conclusion more. Add more to the final paragraph, maybe something about what the future of children education would be like with art, music, and drama. Then at the end, write the decisive statement, "Undoubtedly, art, music, and drama must be included in children's basic education."

Hope I helped :] I'm sorry if it seems like I ripped your essay apart -.-
freezard7734   
Aug 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "me giving back to the community" - UC Prompt #1 Help [9]

First thing is first: What will your thesis be? Find the main idea and purpose for your essay. What is the ONE statement that you want your reader to get from this essay? An example might be, "From these experiences, I learned that I want to serve the community for the rest of my life" (Don't use this though! You can definitely come up with a much stronger thesis). You get the idea.

From there, just list all the details of your experience and what you learned, and then arrange the details appropriately into separate body paragraphs...

I recommend that you actually take one or both these experiences and simply elaborate on them. For example, you can talk about your experience coaching the soccer team, what you did, how you felt, what you learned, etc... and tie them in to your thesis. And ... well, for now, you can get started on your intro :) To be safe, from the intro, the reader should be able to know your thesis and have an idea of what you'll be talking about in the rest of the essay.
freezard7734   
Aug 9, 2010
Essays / Plagiarism is a form of academic dishonesty - can't come up with a thesis/argument [5]

Let me try to reword it for you:

DespiteAlthough universities tryingattempt to prevent plagiarism by implementing an anti-plagiarism website called (not everyone knows what TurnItIn is :) TurnItIn and by offering teacher help, open discussions, and paraphrasing and citation skill practice, students, with their lazyindifferent (that might be the word :) attitude towards plagiarism,isare showing minimum effort to cooperatecooperation to stop the problem.

I think this is a very valid thesis! Just as long as you have specific details and examples to support it, any thesis is valid.
freezard7734   
Aug 9, 2010
Essays / Plagiarism is a form of academic dishonesty - can't come up with a thesis/argument [5]

Maybe you can take it personally, like:
"Plagiarism is not only dishonest, but maims one's self-esteem and self-respect"
Or perhaps, you can talk about the consequences:
"Plagiarism, when discovered, can lead to dire consequences that can soil one's academic history"

Do these examples give you a good idea of how specific thesis statements can be? But don't make them so specific that its impossible to amass enough arguments and details to support it.
freezard7734   
Aug 9, 2010
Undergraduate / UC prompt1: describe your world and how it shaped your aspirations... [14]

Ha. I see a lot of misinterpretation... I think I should finish it up first.

The prompt is asking how a goal or aspiration has been changed by the world around you. You seem to pick several goals: education, swimming, music and then back to education. Personally, I would just focus on you education goal, which is what your essay seems to be about.

This was only an introduction. I'm saying that, "yes, these people did help define my goal, but I think that my school influenced me the most", which is what the prompt is partly asking for.

Second, briefly discuss why its important to you, i.e. first family member to go to college or your dream to pursue a MD, JD, scientist, etc. Also stating that you went to a top rank school H.S. (didn't know they were ranked) seems a bit pretentious and might be setting you up for an attack by the admission people (i.e. if you went to a top ranked, then they would assume you would have really high testing scores etc.)

I don't think so at all... I'm using this to justify the competitive atmosphere at my school. Well, since this is only my introduction, there's some misunderstandings. I'll try to finish it up as soon as I can, and then we'll see how this turns out..
freezard7734   
Aug 9, 2010
Undergraduate / My mother - UT admission essay - person important to you. [9]

Well... When you say "rarely, something happens"... I get the feeling that that is the abnormal... But, remember, this is only my opinion. If you feel otherwise, feel free to write what you feel is true :)
freezard7734   
Aug 9, 2010
Undergraduate / UC prompt1: describe your world and how it shaped your aspirations... [14]

Here is the prompt:
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community, or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations

So far I only have an intro. But could anyone critique it? Do any of you feel that you know what I will be talking about in the following paragraphs?

(One question I had in mind was whether the last sentence (or rather contrasting statement) was too abrupt)

Countless people and numerous factors have molded my perception and aspirations. My parents selflessly partook of my rigorous education and academic integrity; they offered the roof under which I worked, struggled, and accomplished for the past sixteen years. My swim coach infused in me determination and perseverance; she provided the friendly pool where I developed my talents and self-esteem. My music tutors taught me the poignant beauty of melody and harmony; through my flute and piano, from lush lullabies to magnificent symphonies, I was imbued with emotional wholeness. Undoubtedly, all these environments have shaped and nurtured my goals; however, my dream was most influenced my school and classmates.

As a student of one of the top public schools, I vigorously competed ...
freezard7734   
Aug 9, 2010
Undergraduate / My mother - UT admission essay - person important to you. [9]

If a typical day to day life was made into a novel, the book would be detailed and unpredictable. There would be many unique characters, and most of their names would never be known.

A suggestion to liven this up :)
"If a typical day to day life was woven into a novel, its chapters would be intricate and unpredictable. There would be many unique characters, most of whose names would never be threaded into the fabrics of time..."

At work, school, restaurants or passing through the streets; people are everywhere.

You should fix the fragment here.

Most of these people come and go, quickly breezing though our lives like the passing wind on a spring day.

I think you get get rid a that phrase, to make this statement succinct, because we know from the previous sentence that you are talking about people.

A quick wave or head nod, and they are gone forever

Then out of all these relationships, rarely there is that special person thanthat has a dynamic impact on every choice made in life.

I think you are giving the feeling that it is not supposed to happen. Maybe switching a few words around can help clear the confusion:

"... there is that rare, special person that influences every choice I make in life."

I look forward to your body and conclusion :)
freezard7734   
Aug 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Something about me that will help my roommate know me better [11]

So you would support him by not helping him do evil things... do you know what I mean? ---- yep, I see! You can support a friend sometimes by withdrawing support.

Yep. Don't you love the paradoxes of life? XD

Don't mess too much with a good thing unless you get some more inspiration.

Right. :) Thanks a lot for your help!
freezard7734   
Aug 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "my school's orchestra" - elaborate on activities paragraph [6]

In 2005, I finally joined my school's famous orchestra.which I had heard so much about.

It seems a bit wordy. I think this could cut some words out and still retain the same meaning - correct me if I'm wrong though...

Initially a third violin, my conductor, recognizing my dedication to practice, assisted me in honing my talent.

No, no, no :) That is incorrect use of hyphens. You generally use hyphens to express a (completely) different thought:
And you spread butter on the - Oh my god! The toast is burning!
Like that. :)

assisted me in honing my talent

Seems a little wordy here too... how about just simply: "helped me hone my talents"

In less than a year I was handed sheet music for first violin.

Very nice! :)

and doingtaking solo exams

To me, "do" is an over-used and generic word. When writing essays, try to find specific (perhaps even specialized) words that describe what you want to describe. :)

very enjoyable, stimulating, and critical

learnt

This should be "learned"

which have also developed a great sense of commitment within me

A little awkward to me... how about:
"through which I developed a great sense of commitment" ?

It is the orchestra that exposed me to many people, places, and ideas I now appreciate.

It seems like you make a habit of this. :) Remember that if you are listing more than two things, you need a comma before the "and" also.

This essay is ok. From what I've learned, though, I believe you should focus more on a specific experience and elaborate how, specifically, it affected and changed you. Right now, you are saying that the orchestra was stimulating and critical to you character development, but I don't see specific details that support that. From the above suggestions, I've cut a few words out, so I think you can add the details while still maintaining the 150-word limit. :)
freezard7734   
Aug 9, 2010
Essays / Effects of having a baby..(Cause & Effect paper) [3]

Having a baby effected me in many ways by spiritually, financially and psychologically

To me, this sounds like your thesis statement. One thing I would recommend is for you to elaborate on your introduction. Perhaps describe how the doctor's news that you could not conceive affected you.

On the day I turned twenty-seven

Really? :) A nice birthday present

Well, your thesis arranges your essay for you.
Try to list out the different ways (specific examples) that your conception affected you. Then categorize them as 'spiritually', 'financially, etc...
There, you should have three paragraphs. This could give you a good start.
freezard7734   
Aug 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "Light is unable to shine without darkness." - Common App Short Answer [4]

Your essay is very strong grammatically. Although I'm not an expert, I think adding specific details to the essay describing your experience would help a lot.

Fifty Subway sandwiches hushed growling stomachs, bridged differences in age and race, and blessed conversations.

Do you mean something like evoke or start? What do you mean when sandwiches bless a conversation? Just wondering :) I found this part a little confusing.

However, the need to serve and evangelize in the community still remained.

I don't know... to me, I think this could sound more urgent with some rewording... like simply adding the word "compelling" before "need" could give the effect... This is just a minor suggestion though...

Despite the sudden absence of leadership

Some might get caught up here. I think you can clear the small confusion up by changing the earlier sentence: "but the departure of our youth pastor and leader dashed my hopes"

... Actually scratch that x.x Never mind what I said here... now that I think of it, a pastor should be a leader :)

At times, I feel like I provide more narration than reflection on how this experience allowed me to grow as a person. What do you guys think?

I think you've done a pretty nice job balancing both. Since the prompt asks you to elaborate on an activity, undoubtedly, you will need some sort of narration. However, one thing I am not clear about is how the quote relates to what you do. To me the quote "Light is unable to shine without darkness." means, in simplified terms, that life is not easy. I think you should better tie that meaning in to your essay, or perhaps choose a more fitting term...

But this is only an opinion. Wait for the more experience contr/moderators to advise you on this :)
freezard7734   
Aug 9, 2010
Writing Feedback / Topic:My father.It's a preparation of speaking section for toefl. [5]

I have a few suggestions:

He is a no-nonsensestern man

He rarely jokes with others jokingly , even with me,who is his daughter.

He is an excellent leader in his company and a strict father for me.

I think this statement would be stronger if you gave a specific experience or example that shows his excellent leadership. :)

He always requires me to do every thing wholeheartedly and never allows me givingto give (do you see why?) up until to the last.

Stern as he is, (Remember to put a space after your commas) father is full of affection to me

The above italicized phrase seems a little awkward to me. I'm not sure - you may be right - but I'd recommend "father shows affection towards me" or "father is affectionate toward me"

Not only does he encourage me to insistpursue my dream but he (You need a subject here because you put "Not only" before the subject) also lets me learn to enjoy the process of striving for it.

I benefit from the communication with my father very much.

What communication are you talking about? Be sure to expand and give examples. This will make your essay much stronger.

With his worthy advices I could increase myself gradually.

What do you mean by "increase myself?" Could you explain this? Then maybe I can find the right phrase. :]
freezard7734   
Aug 8, 2010
Scholarship / Fellowship Essay for PhD program-how do you plan to help Egypt? [20]

This experience made me realize that if I can compete national, can I do it international?

Oh! I can help with this one:
"This experience made me wonder: If I can compete nationally, can I do it internationally?"
How about that? :)
freezard7734   
Aug 8, 2010
Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]

After this, write a paragraph about what you have discovered in your research.

:/ I'm afraid I can't do that. I have a 1800 char limit here also. I hate these limits.

Oh, I know what to do! Add another sentence to the end of the first paragraph. It is a weak thesis to say, "I became engrossed in the study." It is better to give a sentence that tries to capture the meaningful lesson that is represented by your study. What did it amount to?

I added it to my newer version below. Do you think its an effective thesis? Thanks a million for your help!

Ever since I was young, I found electrons magically fascinating and intellectually captivating. Their awesome ability to deliver power and to secure information over thousands of miles, despite their infinitesimal size, baffled my imagination. When I began to dissect the black box of matter, I discovered electrons' ubiquitous intricacy and helplessly surrendered to their intriguing allure; I quickly became engrossed with independent research on electricity and discovered that electricity and mathematics were the yin and yang of science.

Recently, I became immersed ...
freezard7734   
Aug 8, 2010
Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]

Actually, the one I've posted here is not for any specific university. It's just a template of sorts which I mold according to the university I apply.

*Oh~ ha, I knew that -.-

I think I get what you mean. So I have to mold both these disciplines together in a way that will help each other out and in a way that only Stanford can offer assistance... am I right?
freezard7734   
Aug 8, 2010
Undergraduate / Something about me that will help my roommate know me better [11]

"Their perfidy cursed me with paranoia."---- I may be wrong, but I think it is redundant to say destroyed my trust AND cursed me with paranoia.

I agree... I was a little unsatisfied with that statement. Thanks for clearing that up!

Here is one more idea:
...is not a petty trinket to be traded for superficial qualities (replace this with something else... trading friendship for 'qualities' does not make sense.

Oh yeah... I had trouble thinking up a different word than qualities... would simply "superficiality" work? or how about "superficial approval" ? I actually think this would make more sense.

Friends should unconditionally support each other, and true friendship should last a lifetime. --- sometimes this is not true... friendship can be fleeting even when true, and sometimes it requires that support be withdrawn as a way of expressing disapproval. I think this sentence might be a weak one. It is a little bit cliche, and sort of untrue.

Well... this is only an opinion. I mean, if a friend is trying to take over the world, of course you can't help him do that. By support, I meant to lead a friend the "right" way. So you would support him by not helping him do evil things... do you know what I mean? I think I'll have to find a better word then... For now, until I can figure out how to change it, I think I'll leave it as it is :/
freezard7734   
Aug 8, 2010
Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]

mention very specific reasons for attending a particular university

I perused yours and a few others grad essays, and had a question: By specific reasons, do you mean specific details of the school itself, or specific things I do?

Thanks again ^^
freezard7734   
Aug 8, 2010
Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]

My throat clicked as I watched the bow dolefully stroke its hair; my eyes glimmered with nostalgic tears as I absorbed the violin's tender melodies. Ever since I witnessed the simple beauty of the second movement of Dvorak's Violin Concerto, I sought to re-create the wistful longing that accompanied the dulcet tone.

How is this for a start? My plan now is to introduce the reader to both my passions, state my passion to reconcile these passions, and to state what I can do at Stanford to fulfill my passion.
freezard7734   
Aug 8, 2010
Scholarship / Fellowship Essay for PhD program-how do you plan to help Egypt? [20]

I will make sure to use spell checker

:D

No problem. I learned a lot from your essay, though what I learned was not necessarily English writing. But I was still fascinated with your content. It is truly inspiring. :)
freezard7734   
Aug 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]

No, no. Passive and Active voices are quite different. Usually, I would use the passive voice when I am reflecting on something or if the narrator is speaking of the past. In this case, I like the use the active voice. The active voice lends a more forceful and, as the name implies, "active."

From my experience, all of the English teachers I have prefer active over passive voice. True, when used properly, the passive voice can create a beautiful tone, but I'm not trying to write a novel here :) I hope you understand. Thanks for your comments, too!
freezard7734   
Aug 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "about fishes" - Common App essay- significant experience [4]

when i was visited a friend's house

I'm sorry, but the original was is actually correct ... :]

2.but back away immediately when i I tapped the glass

Both ways are grammatically correct.

all were interacting like they were a family in the 160 gallon aquarium

Here is my correction: "... were interacting as if they were family in the 160-gallon aquarium'

4. That the same night I returned home with a million millions of questions related toabout (This sounds less awkward) fish but no idea where I could find the answers

There were times when the water would turn dark shades of green, but that didn't stop me from being lazy.

I'm a bit confused here. What are you trying to say? I think think sentence is in the wrong place, or you should add more details earlier leading up to this sentence, like: "When received my first fish tank, the water would ... " Do you understand?

When I hit the peak of my interest in ichthyology, I was starting 7th grade.

Another suggestion:
"By the time I started 7th grade, I was fervently interested in ichthyology"

In fact, I became more excited to read those books then I was about reading stories in my English class.

How about this: "In fact, those books were more interesting that the stories read in English class"

The books gave me specific tips on how to clean the tank, enhance the color of my fish, and which foods are best forfeed each type of fish.

@Nanncy22: You were kind to help this fellow out in this essay. Although you made a few mistakes yourself, don't worry. We can learn from each other's mistakes. :)
freezard7734   
Aug 7, 2010
Undergraduate / Education is the best gift, "Greatest personal achievement\accomplishment" [7]

Even though I couldn't help them physically or financially, but I know to myself that I can help themI acknowledged their plight by studying hard and giving importance to thecherishing things I have now. That's whyTherefore, I try my best in everything I do. This way, I canto be able to have a good future and to be able to reach out to others in every way I can.

I think this will get rid of the slight awkwardness here.

Because I believe and have faith(Having both here is a little redundant.) that through good education and theaperseverancedesire (I think this word will be a better choice) to help, everythinganything is possible. Not only will would (Remember to keep the tenses the same) I be fulfilled, but (Remember, "not only" always accompanies "but also" I would also make other people happy through the things (Again be more specific) I could do for them. I honestly admit that I did not receive any awards throughout my grade school and high school years. But for me, the awards received in school are nothing compared to the joy of being able to helphelping our brothers and sisters (Maybe instead of brother and sisters, you can say "our people"... but I completely understand what you mean :) . Although a wards such as Academics , conduct, or the recognition given in participating anby an event is a big help in being able to enter a good collegecan help you succeed (If this essay is for college, I recommend that you don't write something like that.) ., if our only purpose is for self- greed (generally, greed is for the self) , then these awards are nothingmeaningless . Education is not only the best gift we could keep that can never be taken away from uscan keep and cherish. It isbut also the best gift we couldcan share with others. That's what I've learned, and that is why I will do everything I can to be able to enter this school and be the best I can be for others and myself.

The last sentence needs serious revision. If your main purpose of writing this essay is to "enter this school," I believe you have misunderstood your prompt. Try to elaborate on a specific experience and show what you can do for the school. The application reviewers already know you want to go to that school (that's why you're applying, right?), so you don't have to write that in the essay itself. That said, you did alright; but you can improve some things too :)
freezard7734   
Aug 7, 2010
Undergraduate / Mae Jemison; historical figure influenced you and explain that influence [24]

Oh... Ha - I thought that would be a little too casual... But now that I think about it, I could work well...
How about this?
"Even before I began schooling, my parents beat knowledge into me and infused me academic diligence and excellence."

About the qualities you would like to have: it is just not very meaningful to name the qualities.

I tried to save the explanations for the body paragraphs. Did I do that poorly?

It is better not to explain why you sought an idol. You don't need to justify having had an idol. :-)

Ok.. I see...
"As I grew older, I sought an idol who could exemplify my goals."
Could that simply replace the sentence?

Again, thanks a million! I don't know what I would have done without you guys. :)
freezard7734   
Aug 7, 2010
Undergraduate / Mae Jemison; historical figure influenced you and explain that influence [24]

Oh really?! Argh, I hate that sort of thing. When pasting from Word causes all kinds of glitches in a forum or blog or whatever, it helps to paste it first into a notepad program like wordpad. Then, copy it from the notepad and paste it into the post or blog. Know what I mean? That takes away all the html code; I use that trick all the time.

Hmm.. I'll keep that tip in mind :] Thanks!

Long before I was old enough to attend school, my parents infused me with gave me experiences of academic diligence and excellence.--- an idea for you

Hmmm... I think I like the original better. It sounds more active :] Kind of like, my parents beat the knowledge into me :) By the way, I'm Asian, if you didn't know, so I'm just playing with the stereotypes.

Over time, I broadened the list of qualities, unconditional kindness and steadfast perseverance. Don't name good qualities about yourself. Just get focused on talking about the subject you are passionate about... your plan for the future.

Oops. Firstly, there was a typo on my part -.-. It was supposed to be: "Over time, I broadened the list of qualities, including unconditional kindness and steadfast perseverance." I thought this sentence would be important because it introduces the reader to the type of qualities I would like to have; these are the qualities I admire Mae Jemison for:

academic diligence and excellence --> intellectual breadth
steadfast perseverance --> determination
kindness --> munificence
If you still think that it's unnecessary, please tell me :)

As I grew more independent and mature, conflicting peer pressure and temptation made it increasingly difficult to fulfill my ideals; therefore, I sought an idol who could exemplify my goals. This seems sort of fake. It raises questions that get left unresolved. I think it is better to simply state that this person became your idol without saying it was because you were trying to mitigate peer pressure.

I also thought it was a bit awkward... I didn't necessarily want to mitigate peer pressure... What I'm trying to say is that as I grew older, peer pressure made it more difficult for me to focus on my goals, so I wanted a idol to look up to and keep me in shape... Taking your idea, do you think this is better worded:

"As I grew older, peer pressure made it increasingly difficult to focus on my ideals; therefore, I sought an idol who could exemplify my goals."

Because she was an African American women, Jemison's former ( I think it is better not to specify 'former' here because of the way the sentence is structured. They were not former when they mocked her.

Thanks for that tip!

Wait... now that I reread my introduction, I think I know what you mean... I think I need a better way to tie the admirable qualities in with my dream... Am I right?

Even before I began schooling, my parents infused me with academic diligence and excellence. Over time, I believed that unconditional kindness and steadfast perseverance were also necessary to fulfill my aspirations of becoming a world-renown electrical engineer. As I grew older, peer pressure made it increasingly difficult to focus on my ideals; therefore, I sought an idol who could exemplify my goals. During freshman year, I sought my parents' and friends' guidance, but I was no better off than I was before. After two years of futile searching, I grew despondent and pessimistic; however, in my junior year, a fortuitous impromptu physics lecture on space and aeronautics revived my prospects. I discovered an exemplar of my ideals who championed every imaginable obstacle in order to achieve her life dream of becoming a scientist; Mae Jemison, with her intellectual breadth, determination, and munificence, inspired me to persistently pursue my dream.
freezard7734   
Aug 7, 2010
Scholarship / Fellowship Essay for PhD program-how do you plan to help Egypt? [20]

Some grammatical errors :)

During my high school years I was the president of the student union of my school,a public local school in Tanta Town. (Here, don't you want to actually put the name of your school?) We didcompleted a project about "Green School" for a national competition. TheOur project tookwonthe first place.and this It was the first time for a local school to winwon this competition. The Governor held award ceremony on our behalf and we got showed uppresented on the local TV channel. We inspired a lot ofmany (The reason I changed this is because "a lot" tends to be overused and is also weak) local schools, and the next year, two schools from my town took the second and the third place in the same competition. This experience made me realize that if I can compete national, can I do it international?inspired me to compete internationally.

Next year, I applied ofto the ThinkQuest African competition. I assembled a team, including girl from Cairo and a boy from The Republic of Ghana. I wanted to have different perspectives in my teama diverse team . We didprepared a project about wars that happened in Africa and how it affected the economy, people and everything in Africaand people in Africa (Here, you should be specific, rather than saying "everything" . We callednamed the project "Live or Die!" and appliedwith a black/whiteblack and white theme to show the contrarinessemphasize the conflict of war (Is this what you were trying to say? If not, please let me know) . This project inspired many people, es pecially Mrs. Susan Mobarak, the first lady of Egypt. We were awarded withthe Star Award for best project and best content. We also got an article onThe Al-Ahram newspapertalkingwrote an article about our initiative. This experience changed my way of thinkingperspectives and how effective I can be to the world around metaught me that I can influence the world .

I got into volunteeringvolunteered in activities via my English schools teacher. I joined International Education and Resource Network (iEARN), Egypt section as IT committee member. We did a lotvarious projects, including the "Voice of America competition" and "Access Alumni Network." (Remember that punctuations go before the quotes, even if the phrase is a name or title) Later I joined Egypt-ERA and became a core member and responsible for the IT infrastructure. This experience maturedadvanced my IT skills. (I think its better to end the sentence here)and bB y the time when I had to admit for the collageI applied for college , I decided to goapply for Computer Science Faculty, Menufia University. Unfortunately, this was against my family will.

My family has itsa passion for the medical field.as mM y father has a small pharmacy, and my sister is studying medicine. For myselfUnlike them, however , I had other plans. They argued meWe argueda lotfrequently but I insisted to study what I desirepursue my passion . I was extremely happy when I got accepted to the Faculty of Computer Science, but the "ungraceful" look I saw in my parents' eyes wasmy parents' disgraceful expressions were unbearable.

The collagecollege (collage is actually a type of art, if you were wondering :), the faculty was recently established and, so it didn't have room for student activities. Therefore, I formed a student community with my colleagues and we called it MUFIX. MUFIX gotreceived the attention it needed and it began to enrich college experience and be part ofinfluence students' daily lifelives . We started an infrastructural project to automate paper work. We also hosted national and international speakers from various IT fields. SharingThrough my vision and responsibility made, MUFIX lasted longer than I had anticipated. After 6 years, I am still remembered and recognized as theits founder. This was my gateway to International Organizations.

I gotreceived a call from a IEEE Egypt, Gold Section representative where he, who encouraged me to bebecome a member and represent them in two remote universities. This was a challenge because these universities where totally isolated of suchlacked student activities. Year after year, more students get moregrew interested in our activities and events speciallysuch as "Egyptian Engineering Day" (EED), where graduated students get a chance to present their graduation projects to the industry people. I got involvedparticipated in "Arab Science and Technology Foundation" (ASTF), which aims fortargets people with ideas who lack fund and marketing skills. ASTF hashosted two famous projects I'm proud to be part of: "Your Project is Reality" and "Technology business plan competition". InThrough these projects, I met a lot ofcountless enthusiastic youth with great ideas that aim mostly forabout the development of Egypt. This experience was the main source of inspiration formost inspired my graduation project.

At my final year at collagecollege , I and my colleagues and I (This is one of those weird rules in English that says that you should always put yourself last when listing people. They say it's for manners -.-) decided to develop a hardware device that would secure campus network cheaply and autonomously. However, we lacked funds to buypurchase the necessary hardware components that we needed. W, so w e had to researched and fund-raised the project ourselves. We managed to getreceive a 70% fund from the Egyptian governomentgovernment, (You need to work on spelling. To help, you can always use the spell checker that comes with Microsoft Office :) and this was the head start for us. (Try to add a transition here, such as: "When we finally completed and submitted our projects, to our surprise, we won ..." or something similar. Right now, the way you talk about how a fund started and move into how you won an award is too abrupt. Maybe describe the project progress.) We won "Best Software Project" Award in EED 2007. We got Interviewed by TVwere interviewed and gotreceived an article on the first page of Algomhoria Newspaper. ThereTo my relief , my parents were extremely proud of me and believed that I was indeed on the right path. I got the third rank on my class and soAs third of my class, I was nominated to join teaching staff. However, unfortunately, I had to refuse the nomination.

Although w orking as a faculty instructor is very prestigious but, I had to refuse that opportunity because my family had some serious financial problems. Because I was the only available variable of the problem equationsource of income,and working as instructor wasn't right at that moment. Although m y professors had a plan to guide potentials, but they respected my decision and encouraged me to continue my education when the time is right. Thereafter, I gave myself a 5-year plan to fix everythingthe situation and getearn decent independent life. Soon, I married my beautiful girlfriend. Get, attained more and more experience from my work and then get, and returned back to my faculty andto contribute my findings. SurpriselySurprisingly , I was able to do my 5 yearscomplete plans in just 3 years.

I worked as a software developer at ASSET Technology Group and I was outsourced to Vodafone Egypt the biggest telecom company in Egypt and the world. During my work, I got in touch with latest technology and I was able to seesaw the gap between the academia and theacademics and industry in Egypt. This encouraged me to pursuitpursue my PhD, to fill that gap, and be part ofto assist my country's development process.

The fact I learned fromFrom the projects and communities,I was part of isI learned that a lot of people hashave the potential for public service. They allAll they need a pushis encouragement . Through my student community , I created a student community to pushedthe students to serve the society,I used that to push the teaching staff to encourage and award students I used that to push, and the administration staff to make students' lives easier and fun. A lot ofAlthough many people were disappointed when I refused the faculty nomination but , they arewere confident that I'll do my best to serve the bigger community. I'm willing to work harder and travel the world to grab what I can to better developimprove my culture, my society and my country.

Whew! :) That was a long one! I commend your essay and your accomplishments. They were very inspiring indeed!
freezard7734   
Aug 7, 2010
Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]

I edited the conclusion paragraph because I thought the last sentence was a little weak -.- :

Through this research, I exposed myself to intellectual challenges. Although this experience did not satiate my intellectual hunger, it intensified my fervor for electrical and mathematical knowledge.

I still feel like something is missing... could someone help me out? Thanks.
freezard7734   
Aug 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]

I would suggest you to include something that only Stanford students know, and not something you can easily find out on the web. Did you contact any current or ex-students?

Well... I'm not sure how much more I can research. I don't really know anyone at Stanford, and my high school counselors, to tell the truth, are pretty useless. So the only way I could research is

through the Internet. Nevertheless, I'm sure Stanford will appreciate the information I've dug up from the web.

wherein both intensive education and an unparalleled blend of music and computer science are offered.

I prefer not to use the passive voice, because often it tends to be weak. I think this would be better:
"During my high school, I sought a college that offers both intensive education and an unparalleled blend of (my passions:) In my opinions, I think the phrase in parenthesis will more clearly introduce the reader to my passions. If I just stated this without the phrase, the reader might be confused as to how and what these disciplines mean to me. music and computer science.

Yet so many prestigious universities as there are, the blend of the two subjects is lacked.

I think this is awkwardly worded, and it is also in passive voice. I'm grateful for your help, but I think my original statement was slightly better.

Just as I began to suspect the existence of the compromise of two seemingly contrastive/incompatible disciplines,

I'm sorry if I wasn't clear, but this isn't what I meant. I was trying to say that I was about to give up hope. But the word choice you offered sounds better than my measly "contrary". Thanks!

I rummaged through Stanford. To my utmost amazement, Stanford delivered not only a dignified study but also the novel fusion of music and computer science, for that I was looking.

This is a good suggestion. Thanks. I just tweaked it a little to accommodate my taste. :]

Well, here is a revised version of my introduction:

During my high school career, I sought a college that offers both an intensive study and a unique blend of my passions: music and computer science. Although many prestigious universities such as Princeton and Harvard provide rigorous scientific education and musical training, they lack the unique fusion of the two subjects. Over time, my college research grew futile, for I could not find the perfect school that combined my passions. However, just as I began to doubt the existence of the compromise of two seemingly incompatible disciplines, good fortune led me to investigate Stanford. To my utmost relief, I discovered that Stanford offered not only rigorous schooling but also the remarkable and novel fusion of music and computer science that I had been long seeking.

What do you think? Does is sound better and more fluid?

research grew fruitless

Although fruitless can fit in here, it doesn't give me the effect I'm seeking. I want a word that will show that I almost gave up, that the task seemed like a Sisyphean task.

The lines in bold I carved prove contradictory at read. You refer to Stanford, then state that "however", you are seeking more than a mere nearby, unrivaled campus. This, I notice, is rather odd, for it links directly to Stanford, and the description is not matching. Also, the following of the line states that at Stanford you can take advantage of its diverse computer science resources and musical programs thus to excel in your passions, which I find queer. Please rephrase your sentences in a way that it doesn't seem like you view Stanford as a nearby, unrivaled campus, then again esteem it as a diverse source of computer science. It may not occur to you, but I, as a non-native, find it quite misleading.

Hmm... I think I know what you mean. How about this:

"Before high school, I believed that Stanford was simply a beautiful neighbor. Although even now, I am still impressed with the lush mosaic of Stanford's environment and pleased with its proximity, Stanford is more than a nearby, unrivaled campus. At Stanford, I can take advantage its diverse computer science resources and musical programs to excel in my passions."

Is this clearer?

Your case is one that I find quite interesting, and frankly mesmerizing. The one who is able to confine music into the labor of computer science must be a one whose knowledge and ideas are endless. Yet I seek more of writing uniqueness from such a person, and your composition doesn't appear to be a refined piece of drawn passions for the admissions to the school.

No, no, no... I'm not confining anything to anything. Rather, I want to expand both fields by merging them together.
I do admit that this is not my best piece -.- I found it hard to emotionally give concrete examples of what I can to at Stanford that I cannot do at other universities.

I have edited my final paragraph to give it a stronger, more decisive touch. Please tell me what you think:

Through the Stanford Computer Forum, I can advance my technological expertise and pursue my passion for computers through algorithmic research. Through its Symphonic Orchestra, my flute and I can inspire others with captivating music. Most importantly, through the Stanford Laptop Orchestra, which offers a unique opportunity to compose and produce music with computers and algorithms, I can achieve the long-sought fusion of computers and music. Undoubtedly, I have discovered my ideal college; at Stanford, by contributing to its computer and musical programs, I can achieve my grand aspiration to unify my passions.

If you can again revise my essay, I would be forever grateful. Thanks!

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